Do BPDs ever leave a serious relationship without feeling abused?

[Tim300]

I find it interesting that so many BPDs who write on the Internet describe how they were in abusive relationships with exes.  Also, here on bpdfamily.com it seems like a lot of Nons talk about how their BPD partner allegedly dated or is now dating an abusive partner.  I'm very skeptical about the abuse claimed by the BPDs.  It seems like, because of the disorder, almost 100% of serious relationships with a BPDs would result in the pwBPD feeling abused.  First, BPDs tend to find normal 50-50 compromises to be abusive towards them.  Second, BPDs mentally torture themselves with perceived fears that their partners are leaving or cheating on them.  And third, BPDs behave in such outrageous ways that their partners are in fact likely to yell back at them and maybe even say mean things or break something.  I guess my point here is that we shouldn't enable BPDs by blindly giving pity for their allegedly abusive significant others (I am not buying it).  I am suspect that there are so many abusive Nons lurking out there.  My question is: Do BPDs ever leave a serious relationship without having felt abused?


 

[Blimblam]

I don't think my ex left my rs feeling abused.  It was strange it was like she would make up complaints about me to people then they would bring up those complaints and she would try and defend me. Then she would tell me the story as if she was defending me against them.

[hope2727]

Mine point blank told me I was abusive to him. Mind you he also projected all his other bad acts onto me so I guess it was to be expected.

So I don't know if they ALL leave relationships feeling abused but some certainly do.

[WhyMe?]

Mine had 2 serious relationships before me. He said one abused him physically and they both abused him mentally.

He often told me he wasn't taking my abuse anymore. Later he'd flat out say I was abusing him.

I heard months after he stopped talking to me that he claimed we were abusive to each other.

Yet what he put me through was nothing short of mental abuse

[Ripped Heart]

"Your the nicest guy on the planet"

"I'd hate for you to hate me"

"I know you would do anything for me"

"Your such a great person"

"You've done nothing wrong"

"I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you any hurt or malice"

"I will always be thankful for all the things you have done for me"

"I'm sorry, it's over, I don't feel the same way anymore"

Then after a day NC

"This is so difficult, I don't know if this is the end"

"Please don't leave me"

All of those things said one day, but I know to her friend

"Why can I never find a nice guy, they are all violent and abusive"

I read somewhere yesterday that because of a pwBPD self-worth, they can abuse themselves and project it outwards. It's like they expect to be punished for being bad and I know in the case of mine, the more I treated her with kindness, the more she would throw nasty comments to get me to bite. It's kind of like they want that abuse because it justifies their feelings at that point. If you do react, then that's what they remember. It might only be one time but it sticks in their minds.

I can honestly say, I've never been verbally, mentally or physically abusive which is why I think my exBPDgf suffers with a lot of the pain. She tries to find which button to press and then tortures herself when it doesn't work. I have no doubt though, if she does move on, I will just become another abusive ex-boyfriend in her mind.

[Infern0]

"Your the nicest guy on the planet"

"I'd hate for you to hate me"

"I know you would do anything for me"

"Your such a great person"

"You've done nothing wrong"

"I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you any hurt or malice"

"I will always be thankful for all the things you have done for me"

"I'm sorry, it's over, I don't feel the same way anymore"

Then after a day NC

"This is so difficult, I don't know if this is the end"

"Please don't leave me"

All of those things said one day, but I know to her friend

"Why can I never find a nice guy, they are all violent and abusive"

I read somewhere yesterday that because of a pwBPD self-worth, they can abuse themselves and project it outwards. It's like they expect to be punished for being bad and I know in the case of mine, the more I treated her with kindness, the more she would throw nasty comments to get me to bite. It's kind of like they want that abuse because it justifies their feelings at that point. If you do react, then that's what they remember. It might only be one time but it sticks in their minds.

I can honestly say, I've never been verbally, mentally or physically abusive which is why I think my exBPDgf suffers with a lot of the pain. She tries to find which button to press and then tortures herself when it doesn't work. I have no doubt though, if she does move on, I will just become another abusive ex-boyfriend in her mind.

One of the last conversations I had with mine was her baiting me and accusing me of nonsense.  She asked me about 3 times "why don't you get angry at me". I told her because that's what you want, you want abuse. 

She didn't deny it and later on admitted that the whole conversation was because she couldn't keep all the pain and anger in and "had to put it on someone else"

I told her it was good that she recognized that and she apologized but of course there was no willingness to change

[peiper]

I told my exBPD several times she was a professional victim. It didn't go over very well. I think that's when she realized I was putting two and two together and seeing behind her mask.

[cosmonaut]

I am not sure.  My ex didn't blame me when she left me.  She said that there was nothing I had done or hadn't done to cause her to leave.  She said she still loved me.  She even thanked me for always making her feel loved and safe and said she'd never felt safe with a man before.  Regardless, there was nothing I could say or do to change her mind.   The only thing she was certain about was she was leaving and she couldn't even really explain why other than that she was "really messed up".  I haven't heard from her since despite her telling me to stay in touch and that she wanted to be friends.  I have no idea if I've been split black or if she just can't deal with the shame of having destroyed our relationship.  My gut tells me it's the later, but I'm not sure since we've had no contact.

She was very down about most of her exes, but there was a very old girlfriend of hers that she spoke of in never reverent terms.  I never heard her say a bad word about her.

[Blimblam]

I told my exBPD several times she was a professional victim. It didn't go over very well. I think that's when she realized I was putting two and two together and seeing behind her mask.

Pieper I don't see how them being a victim is behind their "mask". They always present themselves as victims I'm fact it's how they present themselves from the very begining.

[peiper]

I told my exBPD several times she was a professional victim. It didn't go over very well. I think that's when she realized I was putting two and two together and seeing behind her mask.

Pieper I don't see how them being a victim is behind their "mask". They always present themselves as victims I'm fact it's how they present themselves from the very begining.

Exactly my point

[peiper]

The mask was her being the victim. Then I saw otherwise and she didn't like it. Kind of like in The Wizard of Oz. Look behind the curtain and see who they really are and it scares them.

[Infern0]

I told my exBPD several times she was a professional victim. It didn't go over very well. I think that's when she realized I was putting two and two together and seeing behind her mask.

It's weird because I at this point have pretty much completely exposed her and she knows it. I know how she thinks and I know what she's doing.

The one thing I can't quite put my finger on is that even though she knows that I "figured her out" she still desperately tries to keep communication with me.

Lines have included "you know me better than anyone,  better than I know myself sometimes". "I have spent so long trying to find someone who actually gets me,  I don't want to lose you"

I dunno it's odd.

Blimblam you are pretty good with this stuff,  any thoughts?

[terranova79]

I think it probably is the case that many BPDs claim or think they are the abused ones in a relationship.  My uBPDw recently told me that she thinks I've treated her like a second class citizen for the last 8 years, even though I bend over backwards to make her happy.  And after I recently told her that she has at times been emotionally abusive towards me (calling me "certifiably crazy," a "sh@@@y partner," etc.), she now claims that *she* is the one who is being abused.  That is ridiculous because I don't namecall or yell and I apologize any time I even raise my voice.  I think my uBPDw's sense of being abused is just the result of a toxic mixture of insecurity, paranoia, thin skin, and narcissism. How did I not see this before I had two kids with her? :'(

[Blimblam]

I told my exBPD several times she was a professional victim. It didn't go over very well. I think that's when she realized I was putting two and two together and seeing behind her mask.

It's weird because I at this point have pretty much completely exposed her and she knows it. I know how she thinks and I know what she's doing.

The one thing I can't quite put my finger on is that even though she knows that I "figured her out" she still desperately tries to keep communication with me.

Lines have included "you know me better than anyone,  better than I know myself sometimes". "I have spent so long trying to find someone who actually gets me,  I don't want to lose you"

I dunno it's odd.

Blimblam you are pretty good with this stuff,  any thoughts?

She wants a stable attachment one that accepts when the little birdie flies away that she has you to fly back to holding down the fort of her safety nest "net" as she falls.

[mitchell16]

according to mine.

Her cousins abused her sexually growing up.

her stepmother abused her emotionally growing up

her sister bullied her.

her first ex husband was great according to her but he abused her emotinally and sexually.

her second ex husband was crazy, alcoholic and drug addict who cheated on her.

her boyfriend after the second ex was violent

the boyfriend before me was a good man but was to jealous and controlling.

then with me, when I first went nc. The first contact she made was a letter praising me how i was the best thing she ever met and how wonderful I was. I was man of integrity etc... .I stayed nc. The next one was begging me to please repsond to her she missed me and loved me so much. I stayed NC. Then next one  she was a liitle more insulting and started making fun of my family. I stayed NC. The next contact was nothing but vile, hateful things which end with her saying I was emotionally abusive to her and she was happy I was out of her life cause I cause all her problems. I stayed NC

But what I have figured out  was all her other exs she was the one who decided she was going to walk away and none of them went NC. they all stayed availble for a recycle which once she was able to figure out that she could recycle them at any point she lost interest and moved on. She didnt feel the need to insult them as bad as she did me cause she was always in the one up position. I on the other hand ended it this time, I told her to never contact me again and hung up on her and I havent responded to anything since.  But her typical scenerio is everyone has abused her from her mother to her sister to all her exs.

[guitargrl]

Every relationship my ex was in he claimed abuse.  He now says I was abusive too…and while I am not perfect, through all the hatred and rants and straight up idolization and then utter hatred I never went to any level that was anywhere close to what could ever ever ever be considered abusive. I always tried to model kindness and caring behavior…didn't work.  always backfired.  I felt like he would make situations so that they matched his dysfunction - self fulfilling prophecy of sorts... I don't know… weird weird stuff. Now I see on his Facebook... (shouldn't be looking I know) a video for his "theme song" which is about how he's been lied to cheated on etc… none of those things have ever been true.  Just 4 years of walking on eggshells and trying to be in a relationship with someone that is just absolutely not capable. ugh

[clydegriffith]

In my case, i do not believe the BPDx truly believes she was abused. She may play the part when she's lying to others trying to get sympathy but i think she knows full well she's responsible for the things that have happened to her. That being said, she could care less because what's important is that other people believe that she was abused and that's all that matters.

[TheDude]

Lines have included "you know me better than anyone,  better than I know myself sometimes". "I have spent so long trying to find someone who actually gets me,  I don't want to lose you"

I've heard these same things, verbatim. It's a balancing act they can't resolve ("I hate you, don't leave me". The fact is, they're absolutely terrified of anyone venturing past their false self into the harsh realities of their real self.

[Tim300]

The fact is, they're absolutely terrified of anyone venturing past their false self into the harsh realities of their real self.

I agree, but what is it that they're trying to hide?  I mean, what could be so ugly inside that they don't want anyone to know?  That they get pleasure out of hurting people?  I guess this must be it, because if they opened up about that, others would likely run ASAP.   

[Linda Maria]

Wow what an interesting thread!  I have wondered about this - the pwBPD in my life is my sister, who I have been virtually NC with for around 18 months, following her spectacularly turning on me after my Mum died, and she seems hell bent on telling everyone terrible lies about me, stopping the winding up of my Mum's estate etc.  She has been single a long time, but had 2 long term relationships years ago.  The first started when she was about 17 - 18 and was on and off for years.  She would constantly tell me that he was cheating on her, she would check the mileage clock on his motorbike and try to work out where he had been in his lunchtimes etc.  None of it ever made sense to me.  Then a long time later, she lived with someone else for 5 years.  Almost from the word go she was constantly telling me that she thought he was cheating, that he was mean with money, made her pay for everything etc. etc.  Again I couldn't understand why - if she was sure she didn't just leave him.  I had no idea about BPD then.  With both relationships - when they ended - she told me that they owed her a lot of money and she was trying to get it back.  Again - it never quite made sense.  With the first one, she also said that he was making creepy nuisance calls.  I had known this guy as long as she had, he'd sort of treated me like a younger sister when he was with uBPDsis, and I just couldn't quite believe he was doing this - he just wasn't that kind of guy. And then just 18 months ago - before she really turned on me - she said out of the blue that he had got someone to go into the building society and fraudulently withdraw £60,000 from her account just before they split up! This would have happened over 10 years ago - was never mentioned before - and for some reason she never reported it to the police!  This was when I started to realise that so much of what she said just wasn't true.  But since I have understood - or at least suspect that she has BPD, her versions of these relationships make more sense, and now I understand why she stayed - although she was telling me how terrible they were - clearly they weren't - god only knows what they must have gone through.  So thanks to whoever started this thread - I have found it really helpful.  My uBPDsis certainly seems to have been a victim all her life - all her employers, neighbours, utility companies and boyfriends have treated her terribly - it's  only now I'm starting to see things so much more clearly now I'm on the receiving end.  I had never realised - but I think my Mum was a sort of barrier preventing her from attacking me so openly, although there had been isolated incidents when we were younger, and a lot of passive aggression over the years.  But once my Mum died, it was just a matter of time - the very first time I didn't completely agree with doing something her way - that was it - all hell broke loose, and I was suddenly being accused of all sorts.  So no doubt I am now painted as yet another abuser.  

[paperlung]

I would love to know what kind of crap my ex said about me to her replacements as I was pretty much a saint the entire relationship. Only thing I can think of is that I still live with my parents at 25 and go to college. My parent's often cook meals for me and my ex hated it. She thought I was a child still. Later she came out and told me she was just secretly jealous she didn't have a family like that.

[TheDude]

I agree, but what is it that they're trying to hide?  I mean, what could be so ugly inside that they don't want anyone to know?  That they get pleasure out of hurting people?  I guess this must be it, because if they opened up about that, others would likely run ASAP.

I honestly don't think there's a 'pleasure' component involved at all. In fact, it has more to do with shame and guilt than malicious intent.

[myself]

Do pwBPD even go a single day without feeling 'abused'? It's like the opposite of wearing rose-colored glasses. Or believing in yourself. Their whole lives seem filled with pains and perspectives like these. My ex accused me of many things I didn't do, so who knows how many of her other stories are true about the others who 'abused' her. It wasn't just in intimate relationships, it was also that the mailman didn't show up on time on purpose, the lady at the store looked at her funny, it's raining so the clouds must be against her... .Constantly feeling persecuted, and then acting out/disappearing as a way to process the feelings instead of REALLY dealing with the roots of where they're coming from. Pretty much keeping herself in the role of victim at all times. You'd think being with someone who day in and day out proved their love for her would help, but it didn't. It was just something else to resist and feel 'abused' by. Such a strange disorder.

[notdownyet]

I think that there's some truth in Borderline's finding themselves in abusive relationships.

BPD's are often preyed on by sociopaths/psychopaths/NPD's, which are some of society’s most notorious manipulators and abusers.

Though BPD's are often abusive in relationships themselves, they’re also at the same time vulnerable.

Sociopaths/psychopaths/NPD's have an uncanny ability in being able to identify their victims, and will go for the easiest target.  A BPD will definitely fall into this bracket.

I imagine that a BPD may well stand-out in particular to a sociopath/psychopath/NPD  because of their flirtatious, thrill seeking, reckless and impulsive nature, which are traits that all these disorders have in common.  More telling though will be their lack of self-esteem, which is key to their vulnerability.

I not sure how the dynamic works from a psychological point of view, but BPD's are likely to be attracted to the danger, lack of intimacy, and love bombing/grooming that a sociopath/psychopath/NPD has to offer.

My wife has been involved with a number of relationships with people with strong psychopathic traits.  In all cases, the relationship has been abusive in nature, from a psychological, emotional, sexual and physical point of view.

I won’t go into detail, but having heard how the relationship dynamic worked; the sociopath/psychopath used her own abandonment fears against her, in order to have complete control.

Having heard the long list of previous relationships that she’s been involved in, the running theme is that she’s been attracted to doomed/bad relationships, and is very much a willing victim.

[notdownyet]

I would agree that there's is a victim mentality that dog's there day to day lives.

Be it at work, at home or out shopping, anything said in a way that could be seen as a rejection or distorted into a rejection will trigger of some level of anger/hostility followed by self pity.

As mentioned in my previous post, I sometimes wonder whether she wants to feel like the victim, as some kind of very negative self validation.

[PaintedBlack28]

Yes the cast blame so they don't have to feel shame.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes they often feel the victim, in such a way that whenever you are the victim (and you often are), there's no way to communicate that to them because they instantly go into victim mode.

I remember we had made professional photographs of us as a couple, and we went to pick the right photos and the right canvas. It was expensive but I agreed to pay. When we got out the shop, I asked her if she was sure it was the right canvas. She got very sad and angry at the same time, telling me I didn't care about any of the stuff. I said calmly: I don't care that much about the pictures as you, correct, but I know it is important for you and me being here and agreeing to pay for it should prove that Im invested?

But she wouldn't have any of it. She got incredibly angry in the middle of the street and I just said ___ this and went home. That's when we split up half a year ago. We got back together a few weeks later but seem to be split up for good now since 5 weeks.

[Infared]

I Believe my pwBPD must always be the victim to the next suitor ... .so therefore no matter what the reality was of the previous relationship... .it will always be portrayed as abusive and wrong... .They have to portray this to set-up maximum rescue scenario. Time and time again... .she portrayed this to everyone, her parents, therapist, etc for maximum sympathy and manipulation.

Do they outright lie about this abuse or do they actually believe what they are saying... .who knows?

[Infared]

^

[notdownyet]

I Believe my pwBPD must always be the victim to the next suitor ... .so therefore no matter what the reality was of the previous relationship... .it will always be portrayed as abusive and wrong... .They have to portray this to set-up maximum rescue scenario. Time and time again... .she portrayed this to everyone, her parents, therapist, etc for maximum sympathy and manipulation.

Do they outright lie about this abuse or do they actually believe what they are saying... .who knows?

In all honesty, I think that they re-write their own internal history, and then believe that that's the truth, with fact being replaced by a distortion that fit in with their feelings.

Going slightly off topic here - In the recent past, I’ve recorded one of our many arguments on my phone (without her knowledge), just to prove to myself that I’m not going insane, and remembering things wrong.

When this argument came up in another argument at a later date; her take on what she said, was a complete reversal of what actually happened.

Not sure if this qualifies as her wanting to look like the victim, but she sure didn’t want my hogging this title.

[Infared]

I Believe my pwBPD must always be the victim to the next suitor ... .so therefore no matter what the reality was of the previous relationship... .it will always be portrayed as abusive and wrong... .They have to portray this to set-up maximum rescue scenario. Time and time again... .she portrayed this to everyone, her parents, therapist, etc for maximum sympathy and manipulation.

Do they outright lie about this abuse or do they actually believe what they are saying... .who knows?

In all honesty, I think that they re-write their own internal history, and then believe that that's the truth, with fact being replaced by a distortion that fit in with their feelings.

Going slightly off topic here - In the recent past, I’ve recorded one of our many arguments on my phone (without her knowledge), just to prove to myself that I’m not going insane, and remembering things wrong.

When this argument came up in another argument at a later date; her take on what she said, was a complete reversal of what actually happened.

Not sure if this qualifies as her wanting to look like the victim, but she sure didn’t want my hogging this title.

I agree that they may rewrite their internal history and believe that lie as the truth...

Also, I cannot tell you how many times (at the end of our relationship), that my ex completely reversed what she said (exactly as you say), and then later she would even change it back to what she originally said. I almost think that she knew what she was doing as unknown to me she was with someone else and was possibly purposefully making arguments to damage or relationship?

... she admitted just once to me that she did this.

[peiper]

I Believe my pwBPD must always be the victim to the next suitor ... .so therefore no matter what the reality was of the previous relationship... .it will always be portrayed as abusive and wrong... .They have to portray this to set-up maximum rescue scenario. Time and time again... .she portrayed this to everyone, her parents, therapist, etc for maximum sympathy and manipulation.

Do they outright lie about this abuse or do they actually believe what they are saying... .who knows?

In all honesty, I think that they re-write their own internal history, and then believe that that's the truth, with fact being replaced by a distortion that fit in with their feelings.

Going slightly off topic here - In the recent past, I’ve recorded one of our many arguments on my phone (without her knowledge), just to prove to myself that I’m not going insane, and remembering things wrong.

When this argument came up in another argument at a later date; her take on what she said, was a complete reversal of what actually happened.

Not sure if this qualifies as her wanting to look like the victim, but she sure didn’t want my hogging this title.

I agree that they may rewrite their internal history and believe that lie as the truth...

Also, I cannot tell you how many times (at the end of our relationship), that my ex completely reversed what she said (exactly as you say), and then later she would even change it back to what she originally said. I almost think that she knew what she was doing as unknown to me she was with someone else and was possibly purposefully making arguments to damage or relationship?

... she admitted just once to me that she did this.

Ditto,  very same thing here