Motives

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I looked at her social media, and her friend died. I started to go to church tonight, only to realize I was going in hopes of running into her to be a shoulder for her to cry on, so I decided my motives were not pure. In my mind, she NEEDS me. I'm hoping she needs me. I want her to need me. I want to show up for her like I did in the past. I just don't understand this pull... .oh yeah... .you all told me it's an addiction. The satisfaction I feel is like a drug.

[KeepOnGoing]

I looked at her social media, and her friend died. I started to go to church tonight, only to realize I was going in hopes of running into her to be a shoulder for her to cry on, so I decided my motives were not pure. In my mind, she NEEDS me. I'm hoping she needs me. I want her to need me. I want to show up for her like I did in the past. I just don't understand this pull... .oh yeah... .you all told me it's an addiction. The satisfaction I feel is like a drug.

[fromheeltoheal]

In her mind she needs you too; borderlines are need-driven and use other people to meet those needs.  So that can work, in a dysfunctional way, when someone who needs to be needed gets together with someone who needs, it's called codependency, and it does feel like an addiction.  What it's not is a healthy relationship, sure, it's fine to meet someone's needs as long as they're just as focused on meeting yours, it's the imbalance that is unhealthy.

I started out giving, but after it while it became clear I would be doing nothing but giving, and eventually givers ask the question where's mine?  Or am I getting my needs met by giving alone?  At this point the best course is to dig deeply into the motivation for that need to be needed and that need to give, see where it comes from, what needs is it meeting, and how can we get those needs met more healthfully; that's where all the growth is, so we don't end up with another taker.

[KeepOnGoing]

It's finally becoming clearer in therapy now. Thank you for this. I just re-read it, and it now makes for sense, and helps a lot.