I'm NOT doing well

[LApak]

I read the posts- try to myself I'm good - even contemplated hello g HIM! WHY? To stay in his world?  Idk?  What I do know is I don't get why I'm not well... .I thought I would-   Some up crying ... .At work and really grumpy! I really don't know how to be ok-  I love this man- a lot! He's abusive ... .But I miss him-  I don't know HOW to not be his girl-  I feel sick! HOW do I really accept this? HOW do I go no contact? I feel like a teen with how wacky my thoughts are... .WHO would want someone so dark- ?  The song "blue eyes" is him- yet, I keep listening to it... .Keep saying he can change- if only I make him happy!  Grrrrr... .And Idk what I expect anyone to say... .But I know you all get it; thus, I'm just venting I suppose.  So far, I'm not liking 2015 either! 

[Deeno02]

Im almost 5 months out and still feel like crap. It does get better, it really does. Nothing wrong with venting. Just remember the bad, like I do. It helps get you back on focus a little. Hang in there. 2015 will be better... .

[Tim300]

I'm a few months out.  I feel your pain.  It has gradually gotten better.  But I still have moments and even days when I just feel like death. 

If I were you I would not want him back.  Not wanting the pwBPD makes it slightly easier to deal with the pain of moving forward.  I honestly feel like my pwBPD could kill me or otherwise completely destroy my life (e.g., get me fired) -- so this helps me embrace not wanting her back.  Also, I would be terrified about even risking procreating with her, now that I've had time to fully understand the seriousness of the illness. 

Returning to a BPD after a complete split is really a deadly proposition.  The pwBPD loves to have power and control.  And this power and control is very easy to gain when the pwBPD does not form a love attachment and the Non does.     

[Perdita]

I read the posts- try to myself I'm good - even contemplated hello g HIM! WHY? To stay in his world?  Idk?  What I do know is I don't get why I'm not well... .I thought I would-   Some up crying ... .At work and really grumpy!

LApak    How fresh out of it are you?  For me it's not even a week yet.  I get it.  Sometimes I feel OK and then suddenly I get teary eyed (for some reason this happens mostly in the shower). I know it's hard, but what to we expect considering how much we loved them?  At least we know we can love!

I really don't know how to be ok-  I love this man- a lot! He's abusive ... .But I miss him-  I don't know HOW to not be his girl-  I feel sick! HOW do I really accept this? HOW do I go no contact?

Keep reminding yourself of what your breaking point was.  I know how much it hurts, but it will only hurt more if you go back.  People often say on here "it doesn't get better" and I've come to agree with that.  It is horrible to suddenly have the life you had yanked away from you.  It is so weird for me too.  I lost myself in him and now I am just lost and alone.  People on here are right to keep encouraging us to find ourselves again.  I keep working at it even though it is still so very raw for me too. What choice do we really have?  Stay in bed all day?  I'm scared that if I start doing that it might be weeks or months before I get up again.

I feel like a teen with how wacky my thoughts are... .WHO would want someone so dark- ?  The song "blue eyes" is him- yet, I keep listening to it... .Keep saying he can change- if only I make him happy!  Grrrrr... .And Idk what I expect anyone to say... .But I know you all get it; thus, I'm just venting I suppose.  So far, I'm not liking 2015 either!

2015 hasn't been kind to me either so far.  It's been horrible.  Yet 2015 is still a newborn.  Let's hope it gets better.  Please stop listening to that song!  We should all have a rule: no sad songs!  It makes it so much harder when we are still this emotional.  You can't change him.  :)idn't you do everything in your power to make him happy?  I did EVERYTHING I could think for with mine to the point that I started obsessing about every little thing.  Maybe if I just ironed his shirt better, cooked better, compliment him more.  ARGH!  Nothing worked, I tell you.  Nothing.  It's not us, it's them.  I know if I had stayed even one minute longer I would have lost my sanity completely.  There is actually very little left of it right now, but I will keep working at it.    

[Perdita]

Returning to a BPD after a complete split is really a deadly proposition.  The pwBPD loves to have power and control.  And this power and control is very easy to gain when the pwBPD does not form a love attachment and the Non does.

You speak the truth!

[JRT]

I have turned the corner... .I am 3 months after the breakup... .i was not doing well until I tried to call her on Christmas Eve (she did a disappearing act on me, blocked me from communicating after breaking up via text) ... .I said hello and she hung up... .that was it... .I then received a call from the local cops... .they were hardly professional and it was clear that they bought into whatever distortion campaign/painting me black story she is successfully selling to people. Its exactly what I needed as I became angry at the action: to attempt to besmirch me legally of her lunacy drove me to the point of anger after months of hope and sympathy and it is rightfully directed.

I too had what I thought was a great relationship until this had happened. It was difficult to be angry even though I had perfectly reasonable grounds for being that way. I am glad that I finally was able to exercise this right... .I feel like the person that I was again.

[LApak]

I just left him week before Xmas! Together a year and a half and flawless really... .AND THEN... .We moved in together and it was never good from that moment on. My guy definately did soo much to make things difficult , he got physical a few times with me... .Yea! It hurts!  So thankful to have all of U!  And good song... .Deep really-  " behind blue eyes". Check it out!

[Tim300]

Together a year and a half and flawless really... .AND THEN... .We moved in together and it was never good from that moment on. My guy definately did soo much to make things difficult , he got physical a few times with me... .Yea! It hurts! 

Same experience here.  She kept it together for a month or so when we moved in, but then she just got out of control.  I guess if I had moved in with her sooner I would have discovered this sooner.  Oh well.  Glad that our BPDs lost it as a result of living together, as opposed to losing it later on (like waiting to have a kid first).

[downwhim]

Lapak,

I feel you pain. Please go easy on yourself. Really your in love with a fantasy of what could be. Isn't it ironic that you move in together and he becomes abusive and makes life more difficult? Actually, no. It took mine getting engaged. He was completely different after he asked me. They get too close and they freak out!

Once your painted black and move out, I believe it is true. They look at you as out of site out of mind and you never get the full idealized value as a gf or bf again.

Hang in there. Stay N/C. I am three months out and honestly the first 6 weeks are very hard but after that you begin to start to heal slowly... .

[LApak]

I am going for no contact-   I've also made an appt for therapy...   Going to my few friends nuts If I dont-  today is good... .Okay good U kno?  Had horrible dreams about him-  it really is like a drug addiction... .All of everyones words do help!  I do miss him !  So much! But the man prior to living with him. He is so dark- yet I'm addicted to him.  Damn, drugs would be easier! Lol-  I believe he's run to his ex... .It hurts but, knowing they were toxic prior, kinda makes me smile!   Love to all! 

[JRT]

I was with mine for 2 years... .although we had recycled several times, it was after she had moved in and was here for 3 weeks that she moved out. I went out of town on business and that was the trigger that caused her disappearing act. Since BPD's do not feel and love like non's do, I agree that we were in love with an ideal: upon much reflection, I recognize that to her, I was only a prop, a placeholder or a tool - something that fulfilled a need and was easily replaceable.

Sorry to hear all of these stories. Stay strong.

[Deeno02]

I am going for no contact-   I've also made an appt for therapy...   Going to my few friends nuts If I dont-  today is good... .Okay good U kno?  Had horrible dreams about him-  it really is like a drug addiction... .All of everyones words do help!  I do miss him !  So much! But the man prior to living with him. He is so dark- yet I'm addicted to him.  Damn, drugs would be easier! Lol-  I believe he's run to his ex... .It hurts but, knowing they were toxic prior, kinda makes me smile!   Love to all! 

Good for you! Just stay the course. Im almost 5 months in B/U, broke NC once(mistake!) and I have my moments. You will too, but you will get better, maybe slowly, maybe quicker than others, but you will. It just takes time.

[JRT]

Deeno... .would you care to share what had happened when you broke NC?

[borderpatrol]

I read the posts- try to myself I'm good - even contemplated hello g HIM! WHY? To stay in his world?  Idk?  What I do know is I don't get why I'm not well... .I thought I would-   Some up crying ... .At work and really grumpy! I really don't know how to be ok-  I love this man- a lot! He's abusive ... .But I miss him-  I don't know HOW to not be his girl-  I feel sick! HOW do I really accept this? HOW do I go no contact? I feel like a teen with how wacky my thoughts are... .WHO would want someone so dark- ?  The song "blue eyes" is him- yet, I keep listening to it... .Keep saying he can change- if only I make him happy!  Grrrrr... .And Idk what I expect anyone to say... .But I know you all get it; thus, I'm just venting I suppose.  So far, I'm not liking 2015 either! 

Hang in there, it's a long tough road. Embracing change is always tough, do whats right for you.

[Deeno02]

JRT et al,

Totally my blunder. When me and my ex were together, her FB and instagram were private. You had to ask permission and she had to except. We we broke up, I deleted and blocked her on everything I could think of to blocke her on, but we had a mutual friend on Instagram and I would see her user name pop up on it. I'd half assed click on it and it would be private, couldnt see anything. I didnt do it all the time, actually very rarely. Well, one day I again clicked on it and there she was, in all her glory with a picture of her and the new guy(old college buddy) smiling on her superfical vacay with the new guy. She looked happy, I was sad to see it and so I commented " Glad your happy... .good bye my love". Thats all I wrote. 20 mins later, I get a text from her saying" You need to remove your comment. I dont know why you did that. Your being passive aggressive. If you have anything to say, say it to me instead of commenting on Instagram". I replied" I was genuine in my comment. I have no animosity, so drop the ego. I was merely saying that Im glad your happy and in a good place. Talk to you later". And I was. She killed my soul but I was happy for her. Not so much anymore after her total mean spirited text. These are the people we deal with. No empathy, No remorse, no sympathy, no love, no sorry it didnt work out, no thank you, just mean. Glad Im rid of her, even though it hurts to say that. So now Im totally blocked. Cant see a thing. Im cool with it.

[Aussie JJ]

No empathy, No remorse, no sympathy, no love, no sorry it didnt work out, no thank you, just mean. Glad Im rid of her, even though it hurts to say that. So now Im totally blocked. Cant see a thing. Im cool with it.

Thing is here Deeno & others, their is acknowledgement of that pain.  Something that will end in growth personally for all of us.  

For a pwBPD, life is a never ending series of Cinderella stories.  

* Oh my darling, save me.  You are my hero.  

* How dare you... .have an opinion.

* GoodBye.  

**** RINSE & REPEAT ****

GAWD it is awful.  That realisation hurt me immensely.  

Knowing that in hindsight, we were just a transient object, like a stick floating down the river.  passing by.  

You can sit on the banks your whole life watching sticks floating by and being engrossed by each and every one and repeating the process as more sticks come past.  (pwBPD).  

Or at some stage you can take the jump, go around the bends, explore everything else that the river has to offer, the white water rapids and the water falls.  That is a lot more emotionally challenging and a frightening thing to decide to do, also a hell of a lot more for-filling in the long run.  

Welcome to the hard road not often travelled everyone, your around the bend and that person sitting on the bank is looking at a new stick floating past.  Now you get to experience the river in its entirety without those restrictions of being tied down in one spot on the river bank.  

At some time it's going to start to become a lot more enjoyable without those restrictions in your life.  


AJJ.  

[Fluff]

* How dare you... .have an opinion.

AJJ, from where did you get "have an opinion"? Except for push-pull and possibly cheating, my ex lashing out on me for "never having any opinions" was the beginning of the end.

Edit: Oh, you meant "how dare you have an opinion", not "how dare you? have an opinion!" :D

[Aussie JJ]

* How dare you... .have an opinion.

AJJ, from where did you get "have an opinion"? Except for push-pull and possibly cheating, my ex lashing out on me for "never having any opinions" was the beginning of the end.

Edit: Oh, you meant "how dare you have an opinion", not "how dare you? have an opinion!" :D

Fluff,

I think the painful thing for us in these relationships, it jumps between these two rapidly.  Provide guidance for everything them BOOM how dare you tell me what to do.  Either way, you sort of get it i think. 

End of the day.  That pain that they carry is no longer ours to carry, it is someone else's responsibility. 


AJJ.