In Love with someone that Hates me, does she have BPD ?

[ReneS]

Hi there,

I'm new to this board, i have been reading a lot of stories from different people, the experiences they had with dating someone who has,or might suspect to have BPD. I can relate to a lot of these stories, and im here to write down my own. Feel free to share your thoughts, advise or tips are welcome 2, please stay respectful.

My Story: In June i started working at a new place , and there was this 1 girl i thought was very handsome. the first month i pretty much didnt do anything , so to the end of June i started chatting with her, and i've noticed she had a daughter, but i never saw the father of that child. So i asked around and she was a single mother, and everybody spoke fondly of her. So early in July we started dating, at our 2nd date we kissed for the first time. things were great, we were alone because her daughter was back at her home country to visit family for the summer. She would follow later. Things hit off quickly, there was a great chemistry between us, and everything was wonderfull. She would text me a lot, and we hang out a lot. She wasnt ashamed of walking outside with me, holding hands. We were also physical and i've slept over at her place, but we never ended up having sex. We did some dry humping, and i wanted to have sex with her , but at the same time i respected her for not doing so. In my mind, it ment she wouldnt go to bed with everyone, so a great plus to me. So she left 1th of august to go to visit her family, friends and join her daughter. She texted me a lot, sended me pics of her dressed nicely before going to party, of her and her daughter, a cake she has baked... .but after that night out, she wrote me lesser and lesser. occiasonaly a heart or so but that was it. so she stayed a total for 18 days, and i couldnt wait for her to come back.

the day she came back i got a text, i was shocked, she texted me'' sorry, i like you but we can't be together''. No explanation, nothing, at work she would act very indifferent , and started to play the hot and cold game with me, for 7 weeks. Every time i tried to aproach her, she would step back & ignore me. She openly flirted with me, and every time i tried to aproach her, she would ignore me again. So one day at work she was very friendly , and flirty with me, and i told her after work, here is my new adress come visit me. She said she didnt wanted it, i was like , OK ? so after work i went to town, and i crossed her path, suddenly she called my name, because i acted like i didnt see her, she was walking there with her daughter. She told me , she does want my new adress. Gave it to her, went for a walk, with her and her kid, and her kid showed some very hostile, disturbing behavior. ( there are patterns ). Kid called me names, started crying, threw sticks at me. I told her, its better i leave, she says, it's normall. ok, to me its not, than the kid told me her mom had a new guy, yes, and he was going to stay permantly, just in 2 weeks time she has a full blown relationship, they way she talked about him however, and not mentioning him first, told me she wasnt really in love.

So i stepped back a bit but at work she kept playing the hot and cold game, till one day after work, i waited outside, waited 15 minutes after she got home, so she can do her stuff, smoke a cigaret, drink a coffee etc... and rang her doorbell. She let me in, and pretty much got to the point. I told her, listen i know you still like me, so stop these games, i like you 2... .well she started leaning towards me, and we ended up having sex first time. the next days we had sex 3 more times. Only after the first or 2nd time she actually told me she stopped taking BC pills. Well ofc, i didnt have any condoms with me, si partially im at blame 2, but i thought she still took BC pills, and i didnt go to her place to have sex, i went there to get answers.

So we kept it our secret, . do notice we had sex 2 times on one evening, in between her wonderfull BF called and she acted like all was ok. smirking at me, and ive listened to the conversation and more or less sounded like she was on the phone with her dad. she hung up , hour later had sex again. She would also laugh during the sex, which i thought was weird, like she was in a shock or something, but liked a great deal and told me she liked it. and she wanted to keep having sex with me, after those 4 times till now, we had some oral sex, and touching here and there but no real sex, like it became a tool to her, a tool to controll and bully me with.

lets continue... .

So 2 weeks after having sex, She missed her period and ignored me for 3 days, so later she texted me , that we need to talk and i told, i think i know what this is about. I bought her a test , and brought it by, she tested next day, showed me a picture, not pregnant, thats what she claimed. i went by, and checked myself. I saw a 2nd thin line, so i went back to pharmacist, and they confirmed. I bought another, more expensive digital test, she refused, told me i should stop treating her as a child, and that she wasnt pregnant... .almost like she was angry with me but i dont know for what. She ignored me again for 1 day, than yes, confirmed , she was pregnant indeed.

The weeks that followed were terrible, i wanted the child, i told her so, and told her also if she didnt wanted it, she could talk to me about it, and we take that decission together. She kept talking about this pill, that would terminate the pregnancy, but she never took it, she kept delaying it. I tried my very best, to let her see the joy of having another child, this times, my child. bought baby stuff, copied pictures of a mother with 2 children, or 2 children holding hands. i tried talking about it with her, but it never seemed to be possible to have an open conversation. She always got angry, and when i told her that my parents want to help, she told me, it was her child, she would live together with her 2 children, give it a name, etc... .and would be left out of it all. She really hurted my feelings, my parents are good people, and i tried to give her another option. i left her place, quietly, and next day, she texted me , sorry. We talked and she cooled off a bit, but i still didnt know if she wanted our child or not.

after some time she texted me early in the monring, that she was bleeding and miscarried. She came to work but shortly after left. She went to the hospital, with her uncle, who at that time didnt know she was pregnant, she never told her uncle or aunt that she was pregnant and forbid me to do so as well. morally i realized this was wrong, but i wanted to keep her on good terms. stupid mistake by me. so her aunt came to me at work, and asked me angry, what have you done to my niece, well i explained her everything, and the next day went by to have a conversation with them. they think fondly of me, and are often worried about her niece, she hangs around with weird people, that guy she got into a relationship with, well he is 29 , has no job and lives with his mom. seriously , how is that even remotely possible in her world. ok doesnt matter, we had a good convo and they forgave me.

shortly after the miscarriage, i went to her place, and she and her daughter were watching baby videos and crying. i felt really bad , and i was crying from the inside.

so we talked, and well things went a bit better. Asked her to be my gf, she agreed, and it lasted for 1 week. She told her kid, kid got angry, started to cuss and cry. So well there was my chance, and i was so patient with her kid, played with her, bought her stuff, talked with her etc... .the kid hates me ever since, and than her mom starts to hang around with someone from the past. she tells me he is coming over, and that they are just friends. but with me she is different, she never drinks, she never cooks for me ( not that i want her to do that ), and seems more responsible. He slept over, she told me that to, and nothing happened she says, well i dont want my girl to have other guys over, im sorry but to me thats not accepatable. to her it is apperantly. than she told me she made an appointment with a psychotherapist because she has problems and called herself crazy as well. i respected her a lot and ive seen many red flags, i think she has BPD. so i told her i would support her. But 2 weeks after the miscarriage, she got some friends over at her place, and drank 3 bottles of whiskey with them, with a 7 yo in the house . i told her that i think its very irresponsible. she told me, so what, and that 3 bottles isnt much and that i called her a bad mother, which i never did. She loves her daughter to death and i trusted her with my child as well, but this wasnt normall in my behavior.

She raged through text, called me a psycho, stupid,a selfish ass, and that everything that went wrong in her life, is my fault. even the miscarriage is blamed on me. ... she told me also i should stop stalking and herrassing her or she would call the police on me... ., i never did her any wrong. She blocked me from social media, and later that evening added me on fb again.

ive tried to reason with her but she shuts down, gets angry over trivial stuff, its never good enough, when i intend to something nice and considerate, i hardly get a thank you or she gets angry about it. when i try to talk, she cusses at me, blocks me from social media, or when i ask her face to face if she is still angry, she screams that she isnt angry, she has thrown doors in my face, called me all kinds of horrible stuff, and now ever since she has been ignoring me, im trying to fix things but nothing works. i will go to her place once more and tell her, that if she isnt willing to work on her problems and just blames everyhing on someone she really used to like, that she could lose a great lover and a friend.

i really dont deserve the way she treats me, and my trust in her has sunken to depts were i can not go. she even canceled the psychotherapist and tells me im crazy, and that i need to go see one. well im doing that because i feel depressed and im actually on anti depressants. She is very cruel , calls herself a bad person but i also notice her good sides, helping me out when i needed help, or being worried about me... .but she is pushing me away, and saying things she shouldnt be saying. Just a moment ago her little girl, started cussing at me , and told me she threw the small gift i ve made, into the garbage bin. i made a baby card drawing, to show her that i havent forgotten about the miscarriage and that it means a lot to me... .

tomorrow or somewere this week im planning to drop by, with the christmas present i had, and not as a reward but out of pure kindess from my heart. and give her a piece of my mind, telling her that im no longer going to take responsibility for her behavior, and that she pushes away the people that she cares about and that care about her... .there is a difference between being nice, and caring about someone, too bad she doesnt see it in her black and white fantasy world. so does this girl have BPD, how can i even remotely fix the bad views she has of me. Should i communicate with her uncle and aunt through a letter, about the concerns i have.

sorry for the long read, this is me being short, in those 6 months a lot has happened.

[Mutt]

 

Hi ReneS,

I would like to welcome you, I'm so sorry for what you have been through  We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at behaviors and traits. I'm glad you have found us.

Did you stop by and give her the present and tell her what you think?

[Matt8888]

You're in a similar situation as me.  Even the part about bringing a friend over for a sleepover.  That is totally unacceptable behavior.  The fact that we accept this behavior shows how weak and codependent we are.

If the girl really has BPD she will not like being told what to do.  Once you're painted black, the more you contact her, the more she will push you away.  I know it's difficult, but the best chance you have of getting her to want you is by simply living your life and ignore her.  She will start to wonder what you're up to.  If you kiss her butt and tell her how wonderful she is, she won't respect you.  Fact is, she isn't all that wonderful.  Mine is really a bad person and terrible mother.

I broke a week of NC yesterday and it has really set me back.  Why do you want this pain?  I know I don't want any more.

[ReneS]

You're in a similar situation as me.  Even the part about bringing a friend over for a sleepover.  That is totally unacceptable behavior.  The fact that we accept this behavior shows how weak and codependent we are.

If the girl really has BPD she will not like being told what to do.  Once you're painted black, the more you contact her, the more she will push you away.  I know it's difficult, but the best chance you have of getting her to want you is by simply living your life and ignore her.  She will start to wonder what you're up to.  If you kiss her butt and tell her how wonderful she is, she won't respect you.  Fact is, she isn't all that wonderful.  Mine is really a bad person and terrible mother.

I broke a week of NC yesterday and it has really set me back.  Why do you want this pain?  I know I don't want any more.

I dont think we are weak, some of us try to look for the best in others while there is nothing good in them, and if there is, its well hidden. They hide behind a false sense of happiness , but deep inside they are insecure, sad, empty and angry individuals. Someone who would love and respect herself, wouldnt go sleeping around with others.

like me, you really care about this girl, but i finally realized there is nothing i can do to help her, she even ignores her own uncle and aunt, people that truly valued me and care about her. she hangs around with 18 yo kids, while she is 24 and single mother. or she hangs around with way older guys. im happy i didnt have any stds left over from this stupid mistake i made. im also happy she isnt the mother to my child, because i would probably get arrested for murder, because i would get my kid away from there and kill everyone that hurts my kid. i would do anything for my kid, im sad she miscarried but i have gained another angel watching over me. in the end it was just my child , and not hers, i dont care how much she cries or blames the miscarriage on me, i did everything for my child, bought baby stuff, vitamins, stayed longer at work to help her out a bit so she could relax a bit, but she kept smoking, drinking cafeine a lot, creating stress situations... .going from i want our child, i dont want it, i want it... .etc... im on anti depressants right now, tomorrow i go speak to a psychothereapist, im thinking aboout going back to the army and regain myself, i was in the army before, i want back my respect and sanity, i need structure, and yes somewhere i will always care about her, but its her life as she said, if she gets a STD, or develops long cancer from her excessive smoking, or what ever, and she contacts me, i tell her give me one good reason why i should even remotely care about your problems... .

i really didnt deserve any of this crap and im also thinking about contacting the family of the father of her 7 yo daughter who himself is in jail. her kid shows signs of patholigical behavior, no matter how much she loves her kid, she is a horrible mother!

[ReneS]

Hi ReneS,

I would like to welcome you, I'm so sorry for what you have been through  We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at behaviors and traits. I'm glad you have found us.

Did you stop by and give her the present and tell her what you think?

well never got the chance, i went to her place, her kid let me in and than her kid lied to me that she wants home, i went outside, saw her uncle and aunt wating in their car. to came pick their child up, who was there as well. i asked her if she was at her place, but they told me she was home. so she just lied. i asked her aunt if she could call her to come down, she came down, walked by me, ignored me, ran back to her front door, i called her name, she gave me the finger, called her name again, and told me NO, get lost. yesterday i talked to her aunt again and apperantly she is seeing a 18 yo kid. seriously , she is 24 , and a single mother, she is truly BPD and deeply disturbed. she just wants people to tell her how beautfill she is, and thats it. so i went yesterday evening to her , she opened the outside door, i went up the stairs and she saw it was me and quickly shut the door , like im some sort of psycho or what. i told her i wanted to talk because im worried, and that i wouldnt leave before she opens the door and talks to me normally. she used her kid to communicate with me, and the kid told me to leave, i said no, i stay here and i ll only leave after i had a normall adult conversation with your mother. she treathened to call the police ( i wasnt agressive or doing anything out of line ) , i said fine you call the police, im not doing anything and im allowed to be here, the stairhall isnt your property. i kept waiting, sometimes they checked if i was still there, ofcourse knowing her disturbing behavior she wouldnt talk to me. something nice did happen, i got surprised by the kindness of some people. her neighbour left his appartment and greated me friendly, he came back with his child and wife a hour later, and said, you are still waiting here, i said yes, problems related with love, i told them, dont worry ill leave soon, im trying to talk to her but she doesnt talk. they asked me if i wanted something to drink, i told them no thank you, but that is really kind of you. sometimes people are just amazing well now she texted me again that im not normal, for waiting there almost 3 hours but when you care about someone you go far lengths. she is selfish, and childish. she is no longer my problem, she is a product of her enviroment, and her daughter will be no difference. she will get eventually what she deserves. im the only decent guy she ever dated , im not a criminal i work, have my own place, my own car, pay my own bills, and were she has been seeing criminals, she wanted to call the police on me and call me a psycho. btw i wish more people would respond to my story. im sure she has borderline but i havet experienced something like this before