Just left with such sadness

[Pingo]

Almost 7 months since our BU and it has been such a roller coaster.  Periods of pure survival where I just tried to get through it hour by hour.  Then times where I really felt myself detaching, seeing the r/s without any rose coloured glasses, understanding that what I was involved in was terribly toxic.  It fluctuates. 

Recently I had an epiphany where I could see the entire r/s for what it was.  It was like a light bulb turned on.  I saw my ex as a frightened child.  Everything about his life was based in fear.  Every opinion, every behaviour.  And I could see that in many ways I was the parent figure.  Forever trying to nurture and validate, like I would do with my own child. 

My ex spent most of his free time reading survival blogs and websites for gun enthusiasts.  He also spent many hours reading books on survival, self-defense and conspiracies.  He watched you-tube videos on how to prep for Armageddon.  He had tons of supplies for such an occasion.  He was always pressuring me to go along with all of this, wanting me to buy more food for storage, read his books, pack a bug out bag.  I really resisted.  I agreed with some of it but always expressed that I didn't want to live my life in fear of what might happen.  I wanted to enjoy the 'now'.  He was always adamant he was not fearful.   

This mentality really wore on me over 4 yrs.  I tried to just allow him to do his thing without getting wrapped up in it but it's all he ever talked about.  It was hard to not get depressed at the possibility that the world as we know it was going to end.  He called me and other people who just wanted to go about their lives as 'sheeple'. 

I can look back at many of the incidences where he would rage at me or give me ST and I can see that somehow in his distorted mind he was defending himself.  I don't think it was much of a conscious choice.  Yes, he had an 'entitled' viewpoint which leads to the world revolving around him and abusing those who resist.  But I don't think it was arrogance so much as survival.  The tracking of my whereabouts, the invasions of my privacy, was all about survival to him.  I think he felt his life really depended on keeping me under 'control'.

When we split up I was really scared of him.  Because he seemed so unstable and had that 'eye for an eye' mentality I didn't know if he would seek revenge for me leaving him.  Soon after, I read Lundy Bancroft's book about abuse and it was shocking to me how much I had been abused and didn't realise it or was in denial about it.  I got really mad! So fear and anger fuelled me for a while.

Now, I'm somewhat less scared as I've threatened him with an RO if he contacts me again.  He's kept his distance since.  And I'm not so angry anymore as I am seeing him as the disordered person he is and I feel more sorry for him than anything.  So what am I left with?  This overwhelming sadness.  It has hit me like a ton of bricks!  I cannot believe that after describing to my T how I sometimes wonder if this man will kill me I can still find myself wondering if I made the right decision in ending our marriage!  How can I have those two thoughts simultaneously?  How can I feel so sad about this man who tortured me emotionally?  It was so much easier seeing him as a monster or a master manipulator.  I used to find the long list of crazy-a$$ things he did helpful to keep me from only remembering the good times.  But even that list looks different to me now.  As I step out of my own 'survival mode' my view of it all is changing.  I see the disorder.  I see the frightened child.  I have compassion. 

I don't know if his fear-based survival mechanisms are BPD or PPD or a result of his brain injury.  I do know that his survival mechanisms often triggered mine.  He was my trigger, I was his.  Such a sad realisation.

[Mutt]

“It’s hard to hate someone once you understand them." -Lucy Christopher

It sounds like your ex was the hermit type. Fearful of the world around him. The more I kept reading about BPD and the core of abandonment and much of the behavior is driven by the disorder. I understood.

[Pingo]

“It’s hard to hate someone once you understand them." -Lucy Christopher

This is very true.  Yes, Mutt, he was definitely the hermit type.  And so am I so I suppose that is why we were also each other's trigger.  I was painfully shy as a child but really push myself constantly to face the world and talk to people and enjoy being around people.  I've worked hard all my life to find a positive spin for everything.  I want to learn from mistakes and heartache.  I want to forgive.  I want to find purpose.  My natural tendency is to be a terrible worrier, just like my mother.  I have worked hard to stop this pattern.  He really pushed my buttons.  He wanted me to be as fearful as he was (although he wouldn't admit to it being 'fear'.