Zig zag

[Mie]

Phew.

Rollecoaster since some time. I realize that I'm often thinking 'when this is over' I can relax. When WHAT is over? The moment when we will tackle our current problem, which is financial, what will happen next?

For example yesterday. I woke up at 5 am realizing that he is in the kitchen talking to himself and drinking. I tried to sleep a while but couldn't. He came to bed smelling and wanted to hug and kiss, said I am an amazing woman, and fell asleep. I woke up, went to do shopping, opened the cafe. He came to the cafe around noon, looking like having been drinking, but on good mood. I asked if he wants a coffee or something, but he said he needs something stronger = gin tonic, which he made for himself. It was a quiet day, and he said: well, no money coming in, f... .the whole business. I had my computer and he asked me why do I have it at the cafe, and I said I'm working on other things while there are no clients. What other things? Well, web page and emails. Mumbling 'sh... .'.

Thank god he got a phone call from a friend wanting him to go fishing. He came back a few hours later and told how good it was for him to get out and be in the open air. He hugged me and told me how great I am and went on about how healthy it is to go fishing, he should do that more often... .(I encouraged), instead of sitting inside and working in thi s... .hole, f... .place! 'This country with all the suckers is killing me! I want to live normal life!'

Then luckily his fishing buddies came for a soup and it was all sunshine again!

He went away for a while but came back to the cafe near closing time. I was serving beer to the last customer, who asked me about our ex employee. My SO, who does not speak the language, heard him mentioning the name. He spent all evening interrogating me about what was discussed. I told the client that he does not work for us any more, that's it. He thought there was much more to it and because I don't want to talk about it I must have 'still' something going on with the ex employee... .(very nasty accusations). Suddenly He said I wanted to see a movie (?), and told me to choose a movie which we would watch in the bedroom. I did and fell asleep as soon as it started.

And I am afraid this is a typical day nowadays.

I'm trying to keep sane by keeping in touch with my friends, learning piano, not drinking... .

And visiting this forum, thank you guys.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sounds like life would be much easier if he didn't come to the cafe. Is that possible?

[Mie]

Sounds like life would be much easier if he didn't come to the cafe. Is that possible?

Absolutely would be easier. 

However, we are owners together and he makes it very clear that he has invested more money, so he thinks he can set the rules. He got a job offer, that would be really great combination with him 'being only the owner' and doing other work which he would be good at. But as I suggested he should think about that option, he went angry and said 'who would take care of the cafe, you? Haha.'   

I'm now trying to figure out how to make the suggestion come from somewhere else... .(also the guy who offered him the job has several restaurants and he is certainly not involved in them on daily basis... .).

[Crumbling]

   

It sounds like you walk on eggshells all the time!   

I hope he takes the job, and you find someone to talk him into it!      Good plan!

You're in my prayers,

c.

[ColdEthyl]

Phew.

Rollecoaster since some time. I realize that I'm often thinking 'when this is over' I can relax. When WHAT is over? The moment when we will tackle our current problem, which is financial, what will happen next?

For example yesterday. I woke up at 5 am realizing that he is in the kitchen talking to himself and drinking. I tried to sleep a while but couldn't. He came to bed smelling and wanted to hug and kiss, said I am an amazing woman, and fell asleep. I woke up, went to do shopping, opened the cafe. He came to the cafe around noon, looking like having been drinking, but on good mood. I asked if he wants a coffee or something, but he said he needs something stronger = gin tonic, which he made for himself. It was a quiet day, and he said: well, no money coming in, f... .the whole business. I had my computer and he asked me why do I have it at the cafe, and I said I'm working on other things while there are no clients. What other things? Well, web page and emails. Mumbling 'sh... .'.

Thank god he got a phone call from a friend wanting him to go fishing. He came back a few hours later and told how good it was for him to get out and be in the open air. He hugged me and told me how great I am and went on about how healthy it is to go fishing, he should do that more often... .(I encouraged), instead of sitting inside and working in thi s... .hole, f... .place! 'This country with all the suckers is killing me! I want to live normal life!'

Then luckily his fishing buddies came for a soup and it was all sunshine again!

He went away for a while but came back to the cafe near closing time. I was serving beer to the last customer, who asked me about our ex employee. My SO, who does not speak the language, heard him mentioning the name. He spent all evening interrogating me about what was discussed. I told the client that he does not work for us any more, that's it. He thought there was much more to it and because I don't want to talk about it I must have 'still' something going on with the ex employee... .(very nasty accusations). Suddenly He said I wanted to see a movie (?), and told me to choose a movie which we would watch in the bedroom. I did and fell asleep as soon as it started.

And I am afraid this is a typical day nowadays.

I'm trying to keep sane by keeping in touch with my friends, learning piano, not drinking... .

And visiting this forum, thank you guys.  

Sorry you are struggling, Mie. My SO is the same way about going outside... .he says the fresh open air really helps him. To me it does sound like the cafe and finances are at the core of what's tearing him up. He's feeling insecure about that, so it usually bleeds over into something else, like the ex employee situation.

Is there something productive he can do for the business while he is there? It would be nice if he wasn't there but it doesn't sound like that's really an option.

[Mie]

Is there something productive he can do for the business while he is there? It would be nice if he wasn't there but it doesn't sound like that's really an option.

That would help. I can't imagine him making cup cakes 

He does clean and arrange and entertain (?) clients, empty garbage, etc. But only when he wants! He has been there also alone, but there's always something in which he needs my help.

Also, you never know when he's happy to do something. Sometimes he is whistling and sometimes cursing when he is working.

[ColdEthyl]

Is there something productive he can do for the business while he is there? It would be nice if he wasn't there but it doesn't sound like that's really an option.

That would help. I can't imagine him making cup cakes 

He does clean and arrange and entertain (?) clients, empty garbage, etc. But only when he wants! He has been there also alone, but there's always something in which he needs my help.

Also, you never know when he's happy to do something. Sometimes he is whistling and sometimes cursing when he is working.

I wish I had a better idea for you, but it's the same cycles I see over and over in pwBPD. My dBPDh hasn't worked in a year, and he's always talking about how he should work and how much he hates himself, yet he doesn't go do anything about it >.>

[waverider]

Taking credit without accepting responsibility is at the core of this. Reward without effort. He likes the idea of "owning and running a business', but he doesn't actually want to do it.

This is a common BPD issue it shows in many ways. If employed they can brag about how important their job is, how good they are at it. Then one day they get sacked for not putting in and having to be carried by others. Their response is to claim  "work place bullying'.  By working with their partner, they can't get sacked and can blame their partner at will for anything that goes wrong.

At the end of the day running a business with a pwBPD will always be a struggle, even more so if they are your partner. You will get no "safe place" to forget about dramas and recharge as drama can come through the door at anytime.

I think this will continue to irritate you., with resentment building, and if the business does go through a rough patch rather than be supported it will "all be your fault".

If there is anyway to work towards him having an alternative job/interest and for you to take over sole ownership/responsibility for your own business, even if that means downsizing, that would be a long term goal

[Mie]

Waverider, sounds like you know what you are talking about.

My goal is to either take over the business with a sane business partner, or get out myself (but the whole idea was to create jobs and income to ourselves... .)

We have 'discussed' different scenarios. Or rather, he has told me , in anger, that (scen. 1): he wants to sell the whole business, or I have suggested (scen 2): we get a third partner. Also he has told me he wants to (scen 3): outsource the business and just collect ( totally overestimated) rent for the fully equipped cafe.

Meanwhile he is talking about future as if nothing would change except for he needs to take it more easy (work over load), I need to be more organized and stop the 'hobby club attitude', and we need to be careful with recruitment so that as... .s like the previous employee cannot sneak in (talking about tah he goes berserk always).

In his scenarios is no place for me. When I point that out,  he starts making fun of me and says: 'don't worry, I'll take care of you, I will be your nanny. You can't take care of yourself, I know... .'.

It's a small business, but if we play it right it will give us reasonable income. Still, I have hard time understanding his grandiose thinking... .oh BPD of course!

[Grey Kitty]

My goal is to either take over the business with a sane business partner, or get out myself (but the whole idea was to create jobs and income to ourselves... .)

... .

It's a small business, but if we play it right it will give us reasonable income. Still, I have hard time understanding his grandiose thinking... .oh BPD of course!

How high is the bar for "play it right"? If he continues to be an obstacle to actual work when he's there, and you continue to work hard... .like this typical day... .will that generate the reasonable income you are speaking of?

[waverider]

This how I see the options

~continue as is, conflict will grow, business will suffer and you will see potential going out the door

~3rd party partner. There will be triangulation and finger pointing, 3rd party will pull out cos you are all nuts.

~He outsources the business, and he will forever complain whoever is running it is not making as much profit as he could. You have fall out with tenent.

~ You invest in a business of your own and have a boundary about him not coming to your work place, he cracks it, you stick to the boundary, he cracks it some more, you stick to it. He eventually gives up, you have a safe haven to get a break and your say in what happens. Business potential is then your full responsibility. If it succeeds he will still take credit for teaching you everything you know.

You will never be able to negotiate what you want, you will have to impose it.

[jedimaster]

This how I see the options

~continue as is, conflict will grow, business will suffer and you will see potential going out the door

~3rd party partner. There will be triangulation and finger pointing, 3rd party will pull out cos you are all nuts.

~He outsources the business, and he will forever complain whoever is running it is not making as much profit as he could. You have fall out with tenent.

~ You invest in a business of your own and have a boundary about him not coming to your work place, he cracks it, you stick to the boundary, he cracks it some more, you stick to it. He eventually gives up, you have a safe haven to get a break and your say in what happens. Business potential is then your full responsibility. If it succeeds he will still take credit for teaching you everything you know.

You will never be able to negotiate what you want, you will have to impose it.

Substitute the word "farm" for "cafe," and I have been through pretty much everything posted on this thread, except for the drinking.  Their inner person who is never good enough wants the prestige of "running a business" but they are clueless as to the level of effort and consistency of dedication it requires. 

At least your cafe has customers.  The only income the farm ever generated was when I started selling off the livestock on Craigslist.

Waverider is right; you cannot negotiate, you will have to impose.  Good luck.