Difficulty Breaking Up with BPD SO

[mrwigand]

Hey, my name is Alex. I've been in a relationship with for 4-5 months with a woman named M, who was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

What I've learned in researching BPD is like a Rosetta Stone to understanding all of the whirlwind emotions and inexplicable behavior in our relationship. (the initial idealization and then the switch to devaluation... .Ignoring facts and instead relying on irrational, cognitively distorted perceptions of the relationship). Things got very intense between us very quickly, and we fell hard for each other. I had never been with someone so loving, willingly vulnerable, and yet strong. There were a lot of problems though. She had just gotten out of a serious, long-term relationship with an emotionally and, at times, physically abusive boyfriend named J. They had a 2 1/2 year relationship that, to me, seemed profoundly toxic and perhaps predicated on unhealthy boundaries and co-dependent tendencies (obviously the abuse, etc.) M maintained a relationship with this J as friends that was unhealthy (in my opinion), and I told her this but I never pushed her on it. It's not really my personality. I just tried to be there for her whenever he was emotionally abusing her via text, acting possessive, paranoid, etc. I certainly told her that she should cut this person out of her life, but I never made it an ultimatum.

This J was in town to pay off some debts and then return home when he and M were caught shoplifting at a local mall with over 1000$ in stolen items, and now they're awaiting their trial date in a week. M told me that she was just there to go t the mall, but that she did know he was going to steal. This was a pretty crazy incident, but I was in love with M - and probably much too comfortable being the one who had to "protect her", etc., to see how this wasn't healthy and there were major problems that I should have steered away from. But like in abusive relationships, Marie recognized the abuse and yet couldn't quite shake herself of J.

As we went on, we continued to go down the rabbit hole of her BPD. She constantly questioned my feelings for her, if I ever did anything mildly out of character it became a huge, trust-redefining argument. In particular, sometime after her arrest I asked M to stop texting her ex-boyfriend J in front of me so much and she became apoplectic. Claimed she didn't know if I really loved her, that I "didn't give a" about her struggles. All manner of emotional warfare. Since then, we've been alternating between not being together, then being lonely and reaching back for that intimacy. It's fine for a while but the problems inevitably come up again. Her constant frustration with the way I "communicate", her insistence that I can't take criticism, her at times very painful ignorance of my feelings, the fact that she doesn't really seem interested in my life, the details of my work, creativity, etc.

I understand that much if not all of this behavior is representative of BPD, but I don't know if it's healthy for me being in this relationship any more. That hurts to say because I care for her so much, and I want her to be well.

We were supposed to talk today and I was going to tell her that the relationship wasn't the right thing for me but that I care about her and want the best for her. Then when I called her to see if we could talk she said she wasn't doing well mentally, that the stress of the impending court date was getting to her. I understand of course. I'm just trying to figure out what's appropriate here. The last thing I want to do is unnecessarily hurt her as she has this court date, but I also think that perhaps things should be clarified and boundaries set if there's any chance we can maintain a friendship going forward. In order to do that, I need some real space because if I don't get it I'm going to continue in this cycle.

I don't know. Is any of this making sense? Ha, I hope so. Anyway, any advice would be great.

[Heldfast]

Does she want help, does she acknowlede any wrongdoing? My response to my now BPDex fiancee, who told me she was leaving me one month ago today was framed as this: If you want to be friends? No, if you want to be back in the relationship, no. If you want to be with my while getting help and support, YES. but she refuses to acknowledge anything she's done is wrong, and I am still in the black, so it has fallen on deaf ears.

[mrwigand]

Does she want help, does she acknowlede any wrongdoing? My response to my now BPDex fiancee, who told me she was leaving me one month ago today was framed as this: If you want to be friends? No, if you want to be back in the relationship, no. If you want to be with my while getting help and support, YES. but she refuses to acknowledge anything she's done is wrong, and I am still in the black, so it has fallen on deaf ears.

First of all, thanks for your response. She does want my help and support, and thankfully I don't think I'm completely in her black right now. She doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing, and that's partially my fault. By the time I got to the point where I wanted out of the relationship, I didn't want to confront her on anything because I didn't want to say anything unnecessarily hurtful.

I'm trying to navigate a very complex situation where I want to support her, but I also need to maintain certain boundaries. It's difficult to thread this needle. I can't be her sole support anymore, and yet I do want her to have all the support she needs.

[Heldfast]

At this point, I engaged family, who hate and detest the former, and new boyfriend, a sleazeball of the first order. They realized something was truly wrong when without notice she flew across country to be with him. They thought she was still staying with a friend about a mile from them. So they have finally broken the boundary she set, of not to speak to me, as they realized her behavior is off. I unfortunately am still very much in the black. And because this guy has some incredible hold on her, she's totally idealized him, and I think she'll try extra hard on this one as she tries to show everyone she's not BPD as we've all pretty much come out on.