If I email her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

[jammo1989]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

[CloseToFreedom]

You have to ask yourself what you want. Do you want to get her back? If so, this isn't the way to go. BPD will contact you when they want you back.

[EaglesJuju]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

It is the nature of BPD thinking, although she dumped you, she feels abandoned by you. Her fear abandonment has nothing to do with you or your actions. 

Do you think you can be friends with her?  What are your expectations when you contact her? What do you want? 

[jammo1989]

You have to ask yourself what you want. Do you want to get her back? If so, this isn't the way to go. BPD will contact you when they want you back.

A part of feels as if I lost a best friend yes I have other best friends, but apart of me feels like Id just be happy with having any kind of communication.  Ive recently been watching videos on You Tube of BPD woman talking about what their like in relationships, and It seems that they work in the complete opposite to a normal person.  For example, If they push you away its because they love you and want you to reassure them you wont leave them.  Where as when a Non pushes us away its because they have lost interest in us.  Apart of me feels like she still wants me in her life but she doesn't know how to handle it, or she thinks I hate her, I don't know :/    

[Deeno02]

Dont do it. Just dont. Its not worth it. I simply wished mine well and caught all sorts of hell from her. Dont go down this road.

[JRT]

I have the same internal emotional struggles as Jammo. After 2 years, she dumped me but I sense that she wants me to come and rescue her (or demonstrate that I will not abandon her) despite SIGNIFICANT impediments to even contacting her. Afterall, I DID know the woman for 2 years... .

[jammo1989]

I have the same internal emotional struggles as Jammo. After 2 years, she dumped me but I sense that she wants me to come and rescue her (or demonstrate that I will not abandon her) despite SIGNIFICANT impediments to even contacting her. Afterall, I DID know the woman for 2 years... .

JRT im not a therapist, but I think this is the only obstacle we face, My ex has a new guy, im guessing yours does to.  This is what I think would happen If we opened up to them

We put our deep understanding and emotions into an email, for example, " I never abandonment you, in fact I still miss you dearly,  I don't expect you to reply to this email, I just wanted you to know that I still care very much about you, and that, Ill always be there for you k?

A: She will post it on FB for everyone to see (attention) with a be belittling comment like " Ha ha"  this in turn will just stroke her ego and flatter her to the point where she will just see us as the needy ones.

B: Show the new guy our emails towards them (causing drama) and might even do it to test their reaction (if he loves me he will get all angry and protective over me) we will then get a threatening email from the new guy.

C: We get no reply and its simply discarded

D: She reply's saying something like "good to hear from you*   

My worry is, I know shes BPD, but what im still hung up on is whether her personality shows NPD traits, personally I think she has NPD as well (false image) for example she always used to say to me " You know you want me but you cant have me, just before being intimate, to the point where she wanted me to just force it on her in a submissive kind of way.

But yeah, there the reasons why Im fighting the urge, this is so hard  

[Perdita]

Personally I wouldn't do it.  I get the impression that this is often met with disdain or you are ignored. It will tell her that you are still attached to her which is pretty much what they like to know.  She will probably contact you eventually.  I would not make the first move. 

[JRT]

I can see where this is classic... .however:

In past recycles, mine insisted and I believed her that there was no one else... .I have reason to believe the same this time... .in past relationships, she has stayed away from men for long periods.

In our case, she has blocked me on FB (she also unfriended all of my friends and successfully compelled all of her friends to do the same) so I cannot see her posts at all. I know that she created a dummy account and has been stalking me. either way, I sent her a letter via snail mail that I put a LOT of time and effort into. I also sent it via an alternate email account that she didn't know that I had (all of my email accounts are blocked). The paper mail was returned 'refused'. What happened to the email, who knows.

I tell ya; I would have driven me crazy not to read that email!

What the... .

[Deeno02]

Again, let it go. I sent a 6 word comment on Instagram photo of her and new guy. Glad your happy... goodbye my love. That's it. Got back" why did you post on my Instagram photo? Please remove the comment. Your being passive agressive. If you have something to say, say it to me, not on Instagram". That's it. That's what I got. Mean. That's it.

[jammo1989]

I can see where this is classic... .however:

In past recycles, mine insisted and I believed her that there was no one else... .I have reason to believe the same this time... .in past relationships, she has stayed away from men for long periods.

In our case, she has blocked me on FB (she also unfriended all of my friends and successfully compelled all of her friends to do the same) so I cannot see her posts at all. I know that she created a dummy account and has been stalking me. either way, I sent her a letter via snail mail that I put a LOT of time and effort into. I also sent it via an alternate email account that she didn't know that I had (all of my email accounts are blocked). The paper mail was returned 'refused'. What happened to the email, who knows.

I tell ya; I would have driven me crazy not to read that email!

What the... .

We are in exactly the same boat I had a 2 year relationship with her, she dumped me for accusing her for sending flirty messages to my now replacement, she then tried to push/pull me for 2 weeks (Telling me she was horny over me, her kids missed me, that she loved me) then the hey texts with no reply for 2 days, I then said I cant do this anymore, I, like you, was then blocked on FB, phone and Whats App.  I red that the further they push us away the more we meant to them.

[Rise]

Apart of me feels like she still wants me in her life but she doesn't know how to handle it, or she thinks I hate her, I don't know :/    

It's possible you're right jammo. She may want you in her life, but just doesn't know how to handle it. So what does that mean? If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. You can't change that. You can't change her. So if that's the case, what's likely to happen if try to be in her life again?

[JRT]

I can see where this is classic... .however:

In past recycles, mine insisted and I believed her that there was no one else... .I have reason to believe the same this time... .in past relationships, she has stayed away from men for long periods.

In our case, she has blocked me on FB (she also unfriended all of my friends and successfully compelled all of her friends to do the same) so I cannot see her posts at all. I know that she created a dummy account and has been stalking me. either way, I sent her a letter via snail mail that I put a LOT of time and effort into. I also sent it via an alternate email account that she didn't know that I had (all of my email accounts are blocked). The paper mail was returned 'refused'. What happened to the email, who knows.

I tell ya; I would have driven me crazy not to read that email!

What the... .

We are in exactly the same boat I had a 2 year relationship with her, she dumped me for accusing her for sending flirty messages to my now replacement, she then tried to push/pull me for 2 weeks (Telling me she was horny over me, her kids missed me, that she loved me) then the hey texts with no reply for 2 days, I then said I cant do this anymore, I, like you, was then blocked on FB, phone and Whats App.  I red that the further they push us away the more we meant to them.

It makes me crazy in a 'what should I do?' kind of way and I am the MOST resolute person that I know. All of this communication that really says something entirely different than what  is on its face being communicated. I feel like I need a full time interpreter. At least yours is still communicating so that you have a card to play. Mine will call the cops if I so much as ring her line.

[Deeno02]

"We are in exactly the same boat I had a 2 year relationship with her, she dumped me for accusing her for sending flirty messages to my now replacement, she then tried to push/pull me for 2 weeks (Telling me she was horny over me, her kids missed me, that she loved me) then the hey texts with no reply for 2 days, I then said I cant do this anymore, I, like you, was then blocked on FB, phone and Whats App.  I red that the further they push us away the more we meant to them."

Boy she must really love the ___ out of me then... .sheesh

[JRT]

"We are in exactly the same boat I had a 2 year relationship with her, she dumped me for accusing her for sending flirty messages to my now replacement, she then tried to push/pull me for 2 weeks (Telling me she was horny over me, her kids missed me, that she loved me) then the hey texts with no reply for 2 days, I then said I cant do this anymore, I, like you, was then blocked on FB, phone and Whats App.  I red that the further they push us away the more we meant to them."

Boy she must really love the ___ out of me then... .sheesh

Yeah, mine as well!

[jammo1989]

Apart of me feels like she still wants me in her life but she doesn't know how to handle it, or she thinks I hate her, I don't know :/    

It's possible you're right jammo. She may want you in her life, but just doesn't know how to handle it. So what does that mean? If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. You can't change that. You can't change her. So if that's the case, what's likely to happen if try to be in her life again?

The thing is Rise, is this, I was really close with her back in high school, I had a massive crush on her, spent every lunch break with her just hanging out with her and her friends back when i was 15.  All my friends used to be like "Why do you always hang out with her?  Well im 25 now, and 2 and a half years ago she randomly started messaging me again and liking my FB pictures, this was after her marriage and 2 kids to her still husband (not divorced) So after 8 years she remembered me and add me on FB.  As you can imagine I freaked out because this was a very close friend who I fancied in High school, and now this blocked from FB and everything else.  She reached out to me after 8 years which then led to a 2 year relationship and now this.  

[jammo1989]

"We are in exactly the same boat I had a 2 year relationship with her, she dumped me for accusing her for sending flirty messages to my now replacement, she then tried to push/pull me for 2 weeks (Telling me she was horny over me, her kids missed me, that she loved me) then the hey texts with no reply for 2 days, I then said I cant do this anymore, I, like you, was then blocked on FB, phone and Whats App.  I red that the further they push us away the more we meant to them."

Boy she must really love the ___ out of me then... .sheesh

Yeah, mine as well!

JRT, its a very confusing situation we are in because, my ex told me that she didnt love her ex before me (husband) for the last 6 months they were together then kissed another guy to see if she felt guilty or not, and she didn't feel guilty.  Where as, towards me she told me that, She loved me more than her ex before me and at times those thoughts were overwhelming.  She was also physically abusive towards him, and ended up in anger management taught to draw circles to calm her intense rages.  Not once did she physically lash out at me because she said i made her feel so calm because I was so laid back and calm towards her, she also told she loved me untill the final discard, even though at this point she had been with the new guy for 2 weeks, 4 months NC and still blocked, Its ___ isnt it?   

[fred6]

Apart of me feels like she still wants me in her life but she doesn't know how to handle it, or she thinks I hate her, I don't know :/    

It's possible you're right jammo. She may want you in her life, but just doesn't know how to handle it. So what does that mean? If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. You can't change that. You can't change her. So if that's the case, what's likely to happen if try to be in her life again?

The thing is Rise, is this, I was really close with her back in high school, I had a massive crush on her, spent every lunch break with her just hanging out with her and her friends back when i was 15.  All my friends used to be like "Why do you always hang out with her?  Well im 25 now, and 2 and a half years ago she randomly started messaging me again and liking my FB pictures, this was after her marriage and 2 kids to her still husband (not divorced) So after 8 years she remembered me and add me on FB.  As you can imagine I freaked out because this was a very close friend who I fancied in High school, and now this blocked from FB and everything else.  She reached out to me after 8 years which then led to a 2 year relationship and now this.  

I heard through the grapevine that my buddy jammo was in here talking about going back in for another round of abuse. If you need abuse, let me abuse you. Then send your credit card for services rendered. I think in the end you'll come out ahead this way.

All joking aside. I too knew my ex in school. I met her in 1984 in the 4th grade. I had the biggest crush on her. She left and went to a different school in 1989 in the 9th grade. I didn't see or talk to her again until 2011 on FB. Then began a 36-38 month relationship that ended in the worst experience that I have ever dealt with in my life. In fact, if I hadn't known her from school, I don't think that she would have made it more than a month or two with me. But the fact that I knew her from way back, somehow she slipped under my radar. Somehow, there was some automatic trust I gave to her that she didn't earn. And while her idealization wasn't too over the top, it was just enough to reinforce the trust that I have already gifted her. In the end, she has some issues that I cannot fix. Her issues, plus some of my own are the root cause of my painful journey. It's amazing how "my issues" aren't really a problem until they are mixed with "her issues".

Jammo, if you need to wish her well, have something you need to say to her, or just want to reach out. Fine, do it and get it out of your system for a while. However, I would advise that you don't engage in any prolonged dialog with her. Say what you have to say with no expectations and resume NC. That's my 2 cents and that's exactly what it's worth. Now send your credit card for services rendered, ... .

[JRT]

Mine has no where to retreat; she has only had four relationships in her life: #1 is MIA... .#2 is engaged... .#3 a thousand miles away and #4 is me... .its not consistent with BPD's but she tends to sit on the bench in between relationships.

[jammo1989]

Apart of me feels like she still wants me in her life but she doesn't know how to handle it, or she thinks I hate her, I don't know :/    

It's possible you're right jammo. She may want you in her life, but just doesn't know how to handle it. So what does that mean? If she can't handle it, she can't handle it. You can't change that. You can't change her. So if that's the case, what's likely to happen if try to be in her life again?

The thing is Rise, is this, I was really close with her back in high school, I had a massive crush on her, spent every lunch break with her just hanging out with her and her friends back when i was 15.  All my friends used to be like "Why do you always hang out with her?  Well im 25 now, and 2 and a half years ago she randomly started messaging me again and liking my FB pictures, this was after her marriage and 2 kids to her still husband (not divorced) So after 8 years she remembered me and add me on FB.  As you can imagine I freaked out because this was a very close friend who I fancied in High school, and now this blocked from FB and everything else.  She reached out to me after 8 years which then led to a 2 year relationship and now this.  

I heard through the grapevine that my buddy jammo was in here talking about going back in for another round of abuse. If you need abuse, let me abuse you. Then send your credit card for services rendered. I think in the end you'll come out ahead this way.

All joking aside. I too knew my ex in school. I met her in 1984 in the 4th grade. I had the biggest crush on her. She left and went to a different school in 1989 in the 9th grade. I didn't see or talk to her again until 2011 on FB. Then began a 36-38 month relationship that ended in the worst experience that I have ever dealt with in my life. In fact, if I hadn't known her from school, I don't think that she would have made it more than a month or two with me. But the fact that I knew her from way back, somehow she slipped under my radar. Somehow, there was some automatic trust I gave to her that she didn't earn. And while her idealization wasn't too over the top, it was just enough to reinforce the trust that I have already gifted her. In the end, she has some issues that I cannot fix. Her issues, plus some of my own are the root cause of my painful journey. It's amazing how "my issues" aren't really a problem until they are mixed with "her issues".

Jammo, if you need to wish her well, have something you need to say to her, or just want to reach out. Fine, do it and get it out of your system for a while. However, I would advise that you don't engage in any prolonged dialog with her. Say what you have to say with no expectations and resume NC. That's my 2 cents and that's exactly what it's worth. Now send your credit card for services rendered, ... .

ha ha thanks Fred, on the subject of credit cards she started throwing baby tantrums when i stopped paying for everything, then went onto say " I dont want your money James I just want your time, good luck to the next girl you meet when she uses you for your money, I can say I told you so"  Another interesting point id like to bring up here is, my ex seemed to always date people that she had a past with for example, I had my past with her in high school, my replacement went to college with her years ago, so why do you think like your ex they date people from their pasts?   

[lm911]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

I have done this thing. The result is that you reopen her wound and all negative emotions are again toward you. This will also make her act impulsively resulting going more steady with her replacement or some other kind of sick thing.

[jammo1989]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

I have done this thing. The result is that you reopen her wound and all negative emotions are again toward you. This will also make her act impulsively resulting going more steady with her replacement or some other kind of sick thing.

Thank you for this, it was really insightful, I think based on your experience im not going to go down that route.

[Deeno02]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

I have done this thing. The result is that you reopen her wound and all negative emotions are again toward you. This will also make her act impulsively resulting going more steady with her replacement or some other kind of sick thing.

Thank you for this, it was really insightful, I think based on your experience im not going to go down that route.

Jammo, I broke NC to make a simple six word comment on a photo of her and the new guy just saying I was glad she was happy. Holy crap, the text I got from her was nasty. Please dont do it.

[jammo1989]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

I have done this thing. The result is that you reopen her wound and all negative emotions are again toward you. This will also make her act impulsively resulting going more steady with her replacement or some other kind of sick thing.

Thank you for this, it was really insightful, I think based on your experience im not going to go down that route.

Jammo, I broke NC to make a simple six word comment on a photo of her and the new guy just saying I was glad she was happy. Holy crap, the text I got from her was nasty. Please dont do it.

I wont mate dont worry, I wonder why they lash out like that though, like you wish them well and they take offence, is it because you trigger their episodes?

[myself]

I wonder why they lash out like that though, like you wish them well and they take offence, is it because you trigger their episodes?

Yes, partly because we're holding up a mirror that's usually avoided.

Partly because we're using our own push and pull behaviors on them.

It's confusing on both sides. We're all extra sensitive going through this.

[Deeno02]

If I email my ex after 5 months of NC, what will happen from experience? shes been with my replacement for 4 months now, but because I was blocked off FB in her eyes I probably don't know.  She was the one that dumped me, but after that she started the push/ pull behavior which led me to the point of telling her Im done, I cant do this anymore, but I want to be friends, 2 days later shes in a Facebook official relationship.  So was I the one that abandoned her?   

I have done this thing. The result is that you reopen her wound and all negative emotions are again toward you. This will also make her act impulsively resulting going more steady with her replacement or some other kind of sick thing.

Thank you for this, it was really insightful, I think based on your experience im not going to go down that route.

Jammo, I broke NC to make a simple six word comment on a photo of her and the new guy just saying I was glad she was happy. Holy crap, the text I got from her was nasty. Please dont do it.

I wont mate dont worry, I wonder why they lash out like that though, like you wish them well and they take offence, is it because you trigger their episodes?

I really honestly dont know why if they are so happy now, why they act like that. She was mean,calling me passive /aggressive. I responded with "Im genuinely happy for you" and I have no animosity towards you. I sent the text and blocked her number immediately as I knew this was a waste of effort. I just cant understand why she couldnt just say thank you and move on.

[Crayfog]

There's something to be said for writing it out (on paper) to get it off your chest. But before you send it, write a long list of everytime your intentions were good but she not only misunderstood but abused you for your feelings.

Then burn both.

And figure out where you might have been conditioned to think BPD love was actually love. Now that I'm dealing with my spouse's upbdew I'm having to face work I thought I'd done from my uPBD mom. And... .My ex boyfriend likely had it. Knew each other in high school... .He was my first crush... .Facebook. And it the worst worst worst year of my life (and I was in a physically abusive relationship for a short time.

Reading these boards I'm understanding why we got back together and broke up so very many painfully awful times. But I wish you guys could be spared the additional cycles. As I read I'm trying to will you not to get involved. Everyone has their own journey and their own threshold for pain. But. My spouse is INCREDIBLE and and my uBPDex doesn't hold a candle to him. I count my lucky stars that I finally walked away. It sucked. It was hard. But it was right.

After our umpteenth breakup, once I had started dating my spouse, my ex (who id been NC for almost six months) sent flowers with a strange poem no one else could decipher. I translated it to a friend and suddenly realized the massive amount of his "affections" that I had had to translate over the course of our relationship. And I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship where I constantly had to read between the lines. I wanted someone who would say and show me they loved me the same way I said and showed them.

I wish you (anyone trying to stay or leave) the same.