Conferance hearing soon

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Looks like the division of assets  pretrial conferance hearing is what is going to happen. A date is set soon.

H's entitlement in the assets and support is there very strong.

This conferance will take place with the divorce master.   I will be in the same room as h this time. Different from custodial hearings in which I was in a separate room from h, except at the end before the judge.   The master will listen to both sides and make his recommendation , he has a month to do so.

If the actual law is followed then it should be short but yet to be seen.

My L has all the documents  but I spent some hours putting them in an order in my own notebook that I myself can refer to.  And to show proof.  I have the pattern of stonewalling. 

The hearing for modification for support , from h , will still be in the future.

[whirlpoollife]

Looks like the division of assets  pretrial conferance hearing is what is going to happen. A date is set soon.

H's entitlement in the assets and support is there very strong.

This conferance will take place with the divorce master.   I will be in the same room as h this time. Different from custodial hearings in which I was in a separate room from h, except at the end before the judge.   The master will listen to both sides and make his recommendation , he has a month to do so.

If the actual law is followed then it should be short but yet to be seen.

My L has all the documents  but I spent some hours putting them in an order in my own notebook that I myself can refer to.  And to show proof.  I have the pattern of stonewalling. 

The hearing for modification for support , from h , will still be in the future.

[david]

I went through equitable distribution and found that much easier than the other parts of the divorce. Ex's atty did what ex told her to do. She claimed I stole a bunch of things, blah, blah, blah... .It was a broken record. I had all the evidence to disprove what she was saying. When it came time for me to speak my atty handed ex's atty a few photos of the things ex claimed I had stolen. They were pictures inside her new apartment with the exact things she claimed I stole. My atty had 40 to 50 pictures and the pile was in clear view. Once ex's atty realized her client lied she took ex out of the room. We settled in about 10 minutes after that. Splitting assets was the one thing that was straightforward. Good luck.

[livednlearned]

How are you feeling about being in the same room? Being organized like you've described will help you feel more confident.

Before my deposition, in which I was also in the same room with N/BPDx, I did a power pose in the women's bathroom. I think it's called the "Wonder Woman"    It's apparently based in scientific research that doing a power pose can transform how you feel.

Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are: www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

I also did it before one of my custody hearings. A whole 2 minutes doing the Wonder Woman in a bathroom stall. Almost cracked me up while I was doing it. The day before, all my coworkers stood up in our staff meeting and we did en masse. It brought tears to my eyes to have that kind of support from them. And then when I left at the end of the day, they say good bye while doing the Wonder Woman. Makes me smile every time I think about it.

I'll be doing the Wonder Woman for you, whirlpool.    Too bad there isn't an emoticon for it on here. I would send you a whole bunch of them.

This is all I've got for now:

[whirlpoollife]

Thank you LnL, david, for the support. I posted to just follow up on the happenings but realize I need support.

At a school event , h came in, stood in the middle looking around , saw me and then starred. His stars are intimediating. In the past if I looked back I would get would get a, "what!" from him, or if I said please stop staring at me, he would say he could do whatever he wants to. These were not normal everyday looking  So if he stares , I have to keep my cool. Focus on the divorce master and my L.

If the divorce master follows the laws then it should be clear cut, but as we have seen on h's license being suspended , sometimes they don't follow them. 

david I do have pictures and a list of  what h took when he moved out. I didn't think of them but will now bring them just in case.

I am much stronger now than a couple years ago,   yea kinda like Wonder Woman    thanks

[david]

If my ex started to stare at me I would turn my video camera on and point it right at her. I would love her to have a staring contest with my video camera. Everyone in court would find it as crazy as you do. The only downside is that is engagement and I try to minimize my engagement with my ex as much as possible.

[livednlearned]

In court, I chose to not have eye contact with N/BPDx. I didn't have eye contact with him in the deposition either. It was how I kept myself grounded.

My L said ex was trying to intimate me non-verbally, using body language and smirks -- he's a big smirker -- and she was relieved that I had the strategy I did. She didn't want to see me bullied by him, and noticed that I was more confident when I looked at her and not N/BPDx. So I continued doing that throughout the last 4 years and it made a difference.

If it helps you stay centered, avoid having eye contact with him. Look at the documents, or at the lawyers, or have something that you look at that gives you comfort. My T gave me a funny saying that I kept in my pocket during mediation. It's so stressful dealing with these things -- and you've come a long way. But you were bullied for a long time, so it's understandable if you regress a little in these meetings and find yourself a bit shaken. Don't let it get to you! You're doing great, and these are really difficult sessions to get through.

[whirlpoollife]

 I was prepared as much as I could. I felt strength from Wonder Women, spirituality , yoga breathing. All my papers in order. I felt anger from having this drawn out for so long and h 's entitlement. Excitement that this might finally draw to a close.

We all go into the room with the divorce master. First thing he says is for husband and wife to leave the room.  I wasn't prepared for that.

H kept his back turned to me while we we waited, so no eye contact there.  Being in the courthouse, lawyers are walking by. First I see my first L, she recognized me, we said hello. Then the kids GAL walked by, he says hi, ok. He walks by h , give him a hey how's it going , good luck today for all this!

I wasn't prepared for that either.

After 45 min we get called back to the room. I get showed by L what the settlment is, h wants alimony from the sale of my families business plus use at as marital property plus have it retroactive to a year and half ago when he first filled for a modification of support.  ( yes it can be retroactive even though h did nothing ) They , h and his L, had no calculations to show how they came up with their figures.  My L was pressuring me to accept it, I was prepared for that, but the more I asked questions on it the more he did not want me to accept their offer.  H offered to keep the child support the same... .huumm... he doesn't do

anything nice without a benefit to himself, besides he hasn't been paying the child support anyhow.

That might be  left to the support dept to figure out .

Because I was not accepting their offer, h said he should get the marital house then. I said to divorce master without thinking I should shut up, that I have a paper trail on who paid the down payment , the improvements , and I have been paying the mortgage. The divorce master looked at me and said yes that would taken into consideration.  That was the end , no settlement.

H is wearing me out like he did in our marriage. He is relentless in the entitlement . The more I have to protect the money I have the more money is spent on litigation.

After all this,h texts me that this weekend if I am at work he gets the kids as he is not working.  Aha, here we go again on this... he stopped for a few months of this so I thought he gave up on it. Every weekend I would have kids he would text this. Then on his weekends with kids he would text me to say he is working,

I could have kids. But he knew I wasn't able to because I was at work.

I did not respond but I will , to say please send this in email. That does give me  anxiety because that's engament with him that I know will lead to more "stuff " from him.

[livednlearned]

You did great, whirlpool. If this had happened a year ago, do you think you would've accepted the offer? You pushed back on your L and he listened to you because you were taking care of yourself. Also, these are intense and stressful meetings and you didn't buckle.

I know it's awful to have to spend all this money on litigation. It's the curse of a high-conflict divorce. But you are spending that money on getting something for yourself, and you're worth it. I look back at the $$$$$ I spent on custody, and realize it's the best investment I've ever made. It bought me peace and quiet and a stable, safe home for S13.

When your H gets the kids on your time, how does it go? Are the kids back at your place when you get home from work?

[Aussie JJ]

After all this,h texts me that this weekend if I am at work he gets the kids as he is not working.  Aha, here we go again on this... he stopped for a few months of this so I thought he gave up on it. Every weekend I would have kids he would text this. Then on his weekends with kids he would text me to say he is working,

I could have kids. But he knew I wasn't able to because I was at work.

I did not respond but I will , to say please send this in email. That does give me  anxiety because that's engament with him that I know will lead to more "stuff " from him.

If I may here,

I dont respond to texts anymore.  I have a program that send them to my gmail as a email attachment.  I reply to all text's via e-mail.  Havent stated a boundary on this one I'm just doing it. 

This might be somethign you want to do? 

Dont ask for it.  Just respond to his text in e-mail format with the text conversion to e-mail in the below part so he knows its a reply to his text. 

Boundarys are for you to uphold.  Eventually He will understand he wont get a response in a text format. 

BTW, I am proud of you.  From the sounds of it you did an amazing job.   


AJJ. 

[whirlpoollife]

Your posts are appreciated

If this had happened a year ago, do you think you would've accepted the offer?

Yes because when h was court ordered to move out of the house , I gave in to many stipulations.

That was with my first L. Custody was tied into that as well.

Following custody hearing  I spoke up for the first time. But I didn't have the voice ,that I do now , to really have spoken up for what was needed.

There was very little time I was face to face with the divorce master, so I am glad what I said about the marital home and my families business... .that my mom and dad bought when I was a toddler. I think I was emotional about that because h feels it's his too. I guess it was though, I received money from it and he spent it.

I know it's awful to have to spend all this money on litigation.

It is, yet I am thankful I don't have to go into the debt that many of the members here have to.

If more custody issues come up in the future I will spend it there to protect what I have.

When your H gets the kids on your time, how does it go? Are the kids back at your place when you get home from work?

H never had the kids on my time. I conformed my work schedule around custody times.  It has been that way for some time. When I would be at work, h would text, that I could come get kids as he is at work. Well obviously I couldn't get kids but it makes him look good to tell me.

Then it gets flipped,

When kids are with me, he texts, that he is not working so he wants kids if I am not home for whatever reason.  We have a three hour ROFR. 

He stopped this for a couple months , as I just didn't respond, but I feel the current engagement is tied into the hearing . Extinction burst. After shock.

I have many times , before I left to work , and kids at his house, given kids their rides to their place they had to go.  For the record I document it each time.  Not to go back to court on it, but to protect myself if I am forced to.

I dont respond to texts anymore.  I have a program that send them to my gmail as a email attachment.  I reply to all text's via e-mail.  Havent stated a boundary on this one I'm just doing it. 

This might be somethign you want to do? 

What is the program? I fwd his texts to my email as I don't have h's email.

We are on OFW, our family wizard , but h rarely looks at it and it is not good for instant communication such as this .

[Aussie JJ]

What is the program? I fwd his texts to my email as I don't have h's email.

We are on OFW, our family wizard , but h rarely looks at it and it is not good for instant communication such as this .

It was one I DL'ed from the google play store, cant remember the name.  with OFW, Just tell him, send a letter form the L. 

Dear H,

Due to the continued texts that are sent at all hours I will no longer be using this as a form of comunication with you.  It is becoming an invasion of my private time now that we are seperated.  I will reply via e-mail to all enquiries about child or failing this via OFW, I will also provide all information as per seperation agreement via e-mail and failing this via OFW.  With modern communications you are able to e-mail from your phone.  If your unflexible in this regard I will place all communications in OFW and I will reply only to your enquirties that are logged in OFW. 

For emergencies I will text you to let you know of an emergency situation where I have placed an entry into OFW if you are unwilling to provide me with your e-mail address. 

Regards,


Your EX wife. 

This actually suits you in many regards.  3 hour notification with ROFR, place it in OFW, he doesnt check it he cant complain. 

Just be polite and firm about it. 


AJJ.