Guys please help me im freaking out here

[jammo1989]

I just received a missed Face time call of her, i havent spoken to her in 4 months complete NC and she blocked me from FB, and she blocked my number I feel so anxious please help !

[Alberto]

Do you really want to go back to the crazyness?

[Tim300]

What is your concern?  You are afraid that she'll try to come after you and cause you physical harm, make up lies, get you fired?  Or are you afraid of the possibility of getting charmed?  

[jammo1989]

Do you really want to go back to the crazyness?

No but i havent heard from her in 5 months she even blocked my number and now this What the heck!

[jammo1989]

What is your concern?  You are afraid that she'll try to come after you and cause your physical harm, make up lies, get you fired?  Or are you afraid of the possibility of getting charmed?   

That I still have feelings for her, and this has now put me back to square one

[Confused?]

Calm down. If she wanted to talk she would call you again. It's the game they play. Mine sent me something on Christmas Eve saying must be nice having people in your life. How she was so alone. Haven't heard from her since. Checked her Facebook an bam right in the face a picture of her and my replacements whole family celebrating New Years. It's just temporary it will pass. Ignored texts from her for 2 months straight that came about once a week and all they said was how sorry she was. They really do not care about anyone but themselves. I really believed mine was different as do many people on this site but the truth is they are all the same.

[1989]

"So just my 2 cents, when they reach out to us after NC, I don't think its because they want to re renter the past in a relationship status, but simply to know whether or not we are still emotionally involved with them.  They are in a constant need for validation, and by simply letting them no you are still available via contact she then gets to kill 2 birds with one stone, be with our replacements while communicating with us, its almost like a double layer of protection in case one of them doesn't work out.  Like I said just my opinion."  



It's easy to lose sight of things when we hear from them.  You were fairly clear earlier today what contact from her is really about.

[Tim300]

I mean this to be helpful, but I have to tell you that I have a hard time understanding what her appeal is for you.  What is it?  This is someone who you are aware has BPD.  You have had all the time in the world to become an expert on BPD.  What's in it for you to re-connect with her in any way, let alone a serious way?  I don't get it.  You can't have a child with her (knowing what you know) and have a clear conscious.  You can't believe that she won't try to hook up with your friends at some point, just to see you squirm.  What am I missing?  You are so much better than her!  She's broken man.

[Perdita]

That I still have feelings for her, and this has now put me back to square one

You are not back to square one.  If you break NC you will be.  So what are you going to do?

[downwhim]

Honestly, just don't want to see you get hurt again . I agree that they keep us around in case replacement does one thing wrong they don't like, then they have us to hook on again.

[bunnyrabit]

I understand that it caught you off guard after so long time but this really isn't back to square one, just a minor setback. Try to chill out and take your mind of it, within a few days you'll have forgotten about this. If you're serious about detaching and moving on you'll ignore this and make sure you block her on this app also. If we keep some line of communications open with BPD we know this is bound to happen, they will not respect our boundaries. Was it by accident that you left this open or are you not ready to cut all ties yet?

[Recooperating]

Hi Jammo,

So sorry to hear you disstress! If you do not wish to recycle or be in contact with her... .This may be the time to decide to block her number so she cant text, call or facetime you? This will prevent you from getting triggered like this.

I agree that you are NOT back at square one! Look at what you did! You remained NC! You did not answer, you're so much further along then square one! Be proud of yourself.

[myself]

That I still have feelings for her, and this has now put me back to square one

You already knew you still have feelings for her, and also that they can not fix the problems were you to return. This is more of a bump in the road than anywhere close to being back to square one. You didn't break NC. You're still heading in the right direction. When my ex last contacted me, I jumped a little, too. But I landed in my own skin where I've been taking many steps forward, just like you have been. These are her old patterns at play here, and your new ones. Deep breaths/something relaxing, and continue on.

[Tim300]

You are the catch, not her.  She should be the one freaking out about how you feel and whether you'll respond, etc.  You can just not respond.  This is not square one. 

[Deeno02]

Leave it be, man. She's not worth it...

[jammo1989]

I mean this to be helpful, but I have to tell you that I have a hard time understanding what her appeal is for you.  What is it?  This is someone who you are aware has BPD.  You have had all the time in the world to become an expert on BPD.  What's in it for you to re-connect with her in any way, let alone a serious way?  I don't get it.  You can't have a child with her (knowing what you know) and have a clear conscious.  You can't believe that she won't try to hook up with your friends at some point, just to see you squirm.  What am I missing?  You are so much better than her!  She's broken man.

I know you do man, and i very much appreciate it, nothing is in it for me, I dont want her in my life now, she had her cake and now she can eat it, the reason why im so confused by this is because, if she would have said when e broke up "Im blocking you because im hurting and when i feel ready to be friends ill reach out to you" (closure) but instead, when we broke up she gave me that provoker smirk while saying ":)ont you dare try and contact me again, im bored of this conversation now piss off!" All that while smiling at me, blocked from everything and now this. 

[jammo1989]

Thank you all for your kind responses! If I remain NC, what is typical of a BPD, do they step up the communication, or just simply do it as a one off as bait? I  now know you all feel with the wow shes back!  

[1989]

Think of it as "checking the line." It's very likely she will attempt to make contact again through sweet, kind messages, acting like nothing ever happened.  If you respond in a kind manner, you likely won't hear from her again until she feels that she should check the line again.  If you don't respond  (NC), she will probably try a number of times, starting off sweet then getting more and more desperate, alternating between kind messages and angry, hurtful ones. 

You might want to read Willy45's history and/or Mitchell16's history to get a feel for what can/does happen. 

[sdyakca]

Please hold on, remember how difficult it was to get 4 months of No Contact. You are almost out of the muck, suggest you practice some self-love and know this too shall pass.

[jammo1989]

I understand that it caught you off guard after so long time but this really isn't back to square one, just a minor setback. Try to chill out and take your mind of it, within a few days you'll have forgotten about this. If you're serious about detaching and moving on you'll ignore this and make sure you block her on this app also. If we keep some line of communications open with BPD we know this is bound to happen, they will not respect our boundaries. Was it by accident that you left this open or are you not ready to cut all ties yet?

Nothing was by accident on my behalf because she had already blocked all forms of communication, so she obviously made the effort to unblock me off her iphone and try to Face Time me, so it was defintly a concious decision by her to try amd contact me.  She has a bf of 5 months as well, so what the hell is she thinking?  I know i write a lot on here about my understanding of BPD, but when im actually in the situation my brain automatically becomes confused with everything.

[TheDude]

... .so what the hell is she thinking?

Nobody here can answer that beyond speculation.

This is an opportunity to test yourself - to test your focus. Step back, take a deep breath, and concentrate on your progress and stability. Your own strength and resolve will determine what happens more than trying to decipher her intentions... .

[PaintedBlack28]

Stay NC, don't play the game.

[mitchell16]

its funny someone said they really dont want us back its just contact for validation. Mine told our therapist on one of our many, many recycles that whne she had contacted me she didnt really want back with me. I asked her then why was i getting those calls in the middle of teh night telling me how I was the one she wanted and she couldnt live with out me etc... .if she didnt want us back togther. Her answer, she just missed me.  and I beleive that was true. I was nc with her and her text message got more and more desperate to I finally gave in and answered her calls. She didnt want me at all she just wanted to know that I was still there for her just in case.

I have been nc now for 4 months and i still get a weekly message from her in some form and I still ignore her. but I know if I ever answer just one call or one message i will be right back where i came from and That I dont want. So I stay NC and my best advice I can give you is to hold strong to NC it will pass.

[oletimefeelin]

its funny someone said they really dont want us back its just contact for validation. Mine told our therapist on one of our many, many recycles that whne she had contacted me she didnt really want back with me. I asked her then why was i getting those calls in the middle of teh night telling me how I was the one she wanted and she couldnt live with out me etc... .if she didnt want us back togther. Her answer, she just missed me.  and I beleive that was true. I was nc with her and her text message got more and more desperate to I finally gave in and answered her calls. She didnt want me at all she just wanted to know that I was still there for her just in case.

I have been nc now for 4 months and i still get a weekly message from her in some form and I still ignore her. but I know if I ever answer just one call or one message i will be right back where i came from and That I dont want. So I stay NC and my best advice I can give you is to hold strong to NC it will pass.

Nice, man.  I remember your saga well.   

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, jammo.   I know it can be distressing when our exes contact us. When they reach out like that, it stirs up all those complicated feelings and memories we have.

It sounds like she's putting out "feelers" to see where you stand emotionally on her. pwBPD tend to keep a personal Rolodex of possible sources of emotional supply, and rotate through as needed. If you prove not to be a source (i.e., by remaining NC), they will eventually take you out of the rotation, or at least extend the time between check-ins.

That I still have feelings for her, and this has now put me back to square one

You already knew you still have feelings for her, and also that they can not fix the problems were you to return. This is more of a bump in the road than anywhere close to being back to square one. You didn't break NC. You're still heading in the right direction. When my ex last contacted me, I jumped a little, too. But I landed in my own skin where I've been taking many steps forward, just like you have been. These are her old patterns at play here, and your new ones. Deep breaths/something relaxing, and continue on.

Having feelings for your ex is in no way a setback or something you should be ashamed about. It's human. Detaching from someone does not require you to stop loving them. You're a caring person, and this is someone you had a relationship with - it's only natural that you have feelings for her. Don't hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. 

Use this as an opportunity to really process and think about how she made/makes you feel. Remind yourself of what you need and want in life and in a relationship. Focus on you. 

[JRT]

This really plays into your hands if you really want to talk to her. Ignore the next few. DO the same with her texts or voice mails. part of her splitting you in the first place was about power. Her having the confidence that you would take her back is what enabled her to do it in the first place... .if you want the relationship back and would like to establish a healthy sense of power within its framework, you need to take the power from her. Making yourself readily available will make that not possible. Let it go a while... .call her back on your time table.