Please help, I need advice.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been in a disfunctional relationship with uBPDexgf for 5 years. We have had several recycles. I have chosen to recycle twice in the last 2 years even after she replaced me both times. She was dishonest to a degree both times. We have very little trust for each other. She blames me for leaving when things get tough, even though she is the one who breaks up. In the past I have always stayed loyal but this last breakup I chose to set boundries and not help her with her needs. Lots of FOG at this point.

So, I didn't state I wanted to be no contact, and hoped she would just let me be. Its only been 2 weeks since bu and 5 days since last contact.

She called and left a message wanting to chat. I'm afraid she is going to charm me to get help of some kind and this will set me back in recovery.

I don't want to cut her off. I'd like to tell her I am seeking help, Meds and self therapy at this point, and can only talk if she also seeks some help, counceling.

I don't want to trigger her, or hurt her as I deeply care for her, but she has two boys that I worry for not to mention both of our mental health at this point.

Really not sure what to do, please offer some advice if you could. Thankyou.

Dan

[dan1966]

I have been in a disfunctional relationship with uBPDexgf for 5 years. We have had several recycles. I have chosen to recycle twice in the last 2 years even after she replaced me both times. She was dishonest to a degree both times. We have very little trust for each other. She blames me for leaving when things get tough, even though she is the one who breaks up. In the past I have always stayed loyal but this last breakup I chose to set boundries and not help her with her needs. Lots of FOG at this point.

So, I didn't state I wanted to be no contact, and hoped she would just let me be. Its only been 2 weeks since bu and 5 days since last contact.

She called and left a message wanting to chat. I'm afraid she is going to charm me to get help of some kind and this will set me back in recovery.

I don't want to cut her off. I'd like to tell her I am seeking help, Meds and self therapy at this point, and can only talk if she also seeks some help, counceling.

I don't want to trigger her, or hurt her as I deeply care for her, but she has two boys that I worry for not to mention both of our mental health at this point.

Really not sure what to do, please offer some advice if you could. Thankyou.

Dan

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Dan1966, 

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.    The behaviors of people with BPD (pwBPD) can be really frustrating and take a lot out of their partners.

It is good that you are detaching yourself a bit, so you can focus on healing, centering yourself, and your needs. Throughout our relationships with a pwBPD, there is a tendency to forget about our needs and solely focus on our partner. Although we care about our pwBPD, it is important for us to be healthy.

It is great that you are establishing boundaries. Setting boundaries are really good for reiterating your need for space.  Here is an article to help you get started. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There are various tools for communication on this site that are designed to lessen triggering and conflict.  Communication tools have made a huge difference in communicating with my bf.  Here is an article on communication tools. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

In addition to therapy, it really helps having a support team of family and friends.  Do you have a support team?  Also, sharing your story on here really helps.  Perhaps you can share more of your story so we can help you better?