I don't know how to be happy without him

[BreakingUpWithBPD]

I've really been struggling with depression for the past couple of days. I don't understand what happened. I felt like I was doing so well in the month after our breakup. We had no contact, and I was sad... .but I also felt free of his control. But now he's been contacting me (and I've been stupidly replying) and I feel like I need him and I feel like he's in complete control again. How does he do this to me? When I look at him I see a mess and I logically know he's wrong for me. But my heart doesn't know that. I'm currently sick and all I want is for him to show up with soup and movies to watch with me. And I'm mad at myself for wanting that. I just really sometimes don't see a future without him. I genuinely feel like he's the only person who has ever understood me and I'm not sure I'll ever find someone who will again. Maybe that's unreasonable. But I feel unreasonable right now. I feel unloved and lonely right now. I hate him for making me feel this way, but I also feel like he's the only person who could make me feel better. I don't know what to do.

[Perdita]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much.    I don't know why these feelings manage to sneak up on us just when we thought we were doing better.  I don't think there is a person on this board that can't relate to what you are feeling right now.  Yes, it is awful to feel that you have met your soul mate, that s/he turned out to be unstable and that this is now pretty much it for you.  I don't know what the future holds for you or for me.  All I know is that you've got to keep taking care of yourself.  Isn't there a friend that can come bring you some soup and a hug instead?  I know it is not the same, but don't cut yourself off from the love of the people that do care about you.  Romantic love it is not, but it is still love and you need that right now.

You were doing well before and will again.  It is to be expected that there will be times like this.  I'm bracing myself for mine, but thank goodness I know this board will be here for me. 

Take it easy on yourself.  Rest, get better.  I think being sick and in bed is aggrevating the situation for you.  Be good to yourself.   

[Perdita]

Are you feeling a little bit better today? 

[Jo-Marie]

Hoping you are ok. 

I just started a thread called when you feel you can't be happy without him:  coursework

because I feel just the same as you.  And the coursework helps.

Be strong