She told me she thinks she has a personality disorder

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Haven't been here in awhile.  Things have been going well in detachment.  I've realized how lucky I am to be away from the madness.  I get occasional texts which aren't troubling; haven't seen or spoken to her in 8 months.  The other day she texts me saying she wants to talk because she "needs advice."  Needless to say, we did not talk, but I did ask about what.  She responded:

"I'm not even sure.  I mean, I know I'm a crazy.  But I'm beginning to think my issues are so deep that I don't even know what to do.  I think I legitimately have a personality disorder."

I have to say, hearing this provided me with real relief. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy, or in denial, or what have you for thinking that her behaviors were representative of a PD.  It also made me realize that she's struggling still; I don't want her to struggle, but it helps me to depersonalize what happened with us, to realize that much of what went on was not really about me, the person.  In a way, I think I needed this to help detach fully.  NC was helpful for awhile in a way, but with that I didn't know what was going on with her, and I was able to fantasize that now that she'd moved on from me, everything would be fine.  Just hearing this small bit of information, when I've been out of the picture for quite awhile, is liberating.  I just wanted to share my story. 

BNTS

[BacknthSaddle]

Hi all,

Haven't been here in awhile.  Things have been going well in detachment.  I've realized how lucky I am to be away from the madness.  I get occasional texts which aren't troubling; haven't seen or spoken to her in 8 months.  The other day she texts me saying she wants to talk because she "needs advice."  Needless to say, we did not talk, but I did ask about what.  She responded:

"I'm not even sure.  I mean, I know I'm a crazy.  But I'm beginning to think my issues are so deep that I don't even know what to do.  I think I legitimately have a personality disorder."

I have to say, hearing this provided me with real relief. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy, or in denial, or what have you for thinking that her behaviors were representative of a PD.  It also made me realize that she's struggling still; I don't want her to struggle, but it helps me to depersonalize what happened with us, to realize that much of what went on was not really about me, the person.  In a way, I think I needed this to help detach fully.  NC was helpful for awhile in a way, but with that I didn't know what was going on with her, and I was able to fantasize that now that she'd moved on from me, everything would be fine.  Just hearing this small bit of information, when I've been out of the picture for quite awhile, is liberating.  I just wanted to share my story. 

BNTS

[BorisAcusio]

Hi BNTS,

Welcome back and thanks for sharing your story. I remember our ordeal was quite similar, glad to hear you're making progress and on your way to fully detach. Maybe it was the last puzzle missing. My ex had a similar moment of clarity back in august and it eventually lead to a recycle. I hope you do not make the same mistake.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks Boris, and thank you for the wise advice. I don't think this will lead to a recycle; there is too much shame attached to our relationship on her end, and I have no interest in going down that road again.  It has been quite a long time now (over a year).  I also think that she is genuinely trying to get her life in order, and a recycle with me would not be a step in that direction.  Unfortunately, she just has no idea how to do it.  She moved in with a roommate (mutual acquaintance) in July and already she has moved out because it was not "working out."  Even if she wants to improve, ultimately all of her relationships become toxic.

I know that "neither of us have interest in a recycle so we don't have to worry about that" are famous last words, however, and I will heed your advice. 

[cehlers55]

Wow. That must feel nice to hear your ex validate your PD diagnosis. I would feel awesome if mine said that to me some day.

[BacknthSaddle]

I will say this: it's all in the context of "I realize how unhealthy my behaviors have been, I'm trying to live the right way, I'm much healthier now, I'm not in dysfunctional relationships, blah blah blah." So it's not pain-free.  But, I guess there are two possibilities.  One, she actually realizes what's wrong and she's trying to get better.  And I have to give her credit for that.  She wasn't right for me regardless.  Or, two: she's in a good phase, but it will all go wrong again as it always does.  And that I can accept too.

[BacknthSaddle]

For what it's worth, I learned that this was all in the context of her bailing on her roommate of six months (who she planned to live with for a year) and moving in with a new boyfriend. So I assume engulfment fears are playing a factor.