Between a rock and a hard place

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

During this last weekend, I went to a family reunion in which the entire family had not seen each other together for the past 11 years. We have seen them separately, but not all together due to the thousands of miles literally that we are apart. It was a heartfelt, well needed family reunion which I will always cherish, and I have cried tears of happiness that it had happened, but also sad, because of the time and the distances that are involved. I suppose there are those of you who are in the same situation that can relate.

Those family members know that I am married to a very hard person to get along with. Some of them are extremely confused why I have stayed, considering how much heartache she has caused, but they wanted me there at the family reunion. So, I felt relieved to be invited! Yet, other than one time one of my daughters classifying my BPDw as my "partner", that was it. After all, it was a family reunion on my side of the family.

I know some of them blame me for staying in the marriage under the circumstances, because she has caused so much heartache. I also have some very close friends who know about my BPDw and how cruel she has been. They too are confused about why I stay, but because they are so very close friends, they and I get together without her.

To complicate matters, I have some medical appointments this week in which I am going to find out hopefully why I have infrequent, acute pain in my neck along with kind of a choking sensation at times. I might need surgery. So far, the test results are normal, but the pain persists. One thing I know, my dentist and my primary doctor know there is a swollen lymph node that is causing me pain. I have a stress test and an echocardiogram on Thursday and an ear, nose, and throat doctor appointment on Friday to see what is going. Yet, while I want to find out, I deeply am afraid, thus making me very nervous. The only things that are distracting me are teaching and tutoring and getting together with friends. As for my BPDw, she might care, but she is a typical BPDw, only wanting to invalidate me and not being there for me.

So, I feel I am between a rock and a hard place, as you non BPDs probably feel! How do you deal with this delicate balancing act of loving your friends for who they are and how they wish to be there for you?

[Samuel S.]

During this last weekend, I went to a family reunion in which the entire family had not seen each other together for the past 11 years. We have seen them separately, but not all together due to the thousands of miles literally that we are apart. It was a heartfelt, well needed family reunion which I will always cherish, and I have cried tears of happiness that it had happened, but also sad, because of the time and the distances that are involved. I suppose there are those of you who are in the same situation that can relate.

Those family members know that I am married to a very hard person to get along with. Some of them are extremely confused why I have stayed, considering how much heartache she has caused, but they wanted me there at the family reunion. So, I felt relieved to be invited! Yet, other than one time one of my daughters classifying my BPDw as my "partner", that was it. After all, it was a family reunion on my side of the family.

I know some of them blame me for staying in the marriage under the circumstances, because she has caused so much heartache. I also have some very close friends who know about my BPDw and how cruel she has been. They too are confused about why I stay, but because they are so very close friends, they and I get together without her.

To complicate matters, I have some medical appointments this week in which I am going to find out hopefully why I have infrequent, acute pain in my neck along with kind of a choking sensation at times. I might need surgery. So far, the test results are normal, but the pain persists. One thing I know, my dentist and my primary doctor know there is a swollen lymph node that is causing me pain. I have a stress test and an echocardiogram on Thursday and an ear, nose, and throat doctor appointment on Friday to see what is going. Yet, while I want to find out, I deeply am afraid, thus making me very nervous. The only things that are distracting me are teaching and tutoring and getting together with friends. As for my BPDw, she might care, but she is a typical BPDw, only wanting to invalidate me and not being there for me.

So, I feel I am between a rock and a hard place, as you non BPDs probably feel! How do you deal with this delicate balancing act of loving your friends for who they are and how they wish to be there for you?

[Samuel S.]

All the testing including a CT scan, x-ray, EKG, ultrasound, and stress test turned out to be normal, thank goodness! Then, I met with the ear, nose, and throat doctor who examined me and determined that I have a case of arthritis. So, I am relieved that it is not anything worse than that, but I still have the pain off and on.

After I reported the results to my BPDw, she just said that the medium-counselor had mentioned that to me and to her some time ago. I vaguely remember that, but the point is that my BPDw did not show any sign of love or support or relief whatsoever. It was like she was just as callous as ever; yet, she wants all of the attention for her complaints, etc. and undermines everything about me.

I got love, support, and relief from my friends and a cousin of mine, which is truly sad. More than ever, I see how I am only good for her as long as I can listen and keep my mouth shut. If I can figure a way to get out of here and keep myself financially secure, I will leave, but only until then.

[Samuel S.]

I purposefully lied today, because I needed to get out of the house and to get away from my BPDw. Instead of what I said I was going to do, I went to a movie and to visit a friend in the hospital. Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have lied, but I just didn't want to be around her. The mind games are too much. My hurt has been too much. I have been verbally and emotionally abused. I have been neglected of an actual relationship, because she focuses so much on her studies. I feel very sad and very alone. I can't wait to get out of here, but I need money to be self-supporting. Otherwise, I am stuck here.