uBPDexgf claimed PTSD from rape yet acted in a risky manner, make sense?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A week or so into our relationship my uBPDexgf confided in me that an ex-bf had raped her when she was 19 or 20.  She stated that after that she had PTSD and did self harm and also drank to excess, often blacking out.  I was concerned and upset that she had endured this and very supportive and non-judgmental.

My uBPDexgf exhibited behaviors that caused me concern.  Her personality would change when she drank.  She would exude sex appeal.  If she and I were talking with a male friend/family member of mine, she would ignore me and focus very intently on them and would actively cut me out of the conversation.  She would act in a flirty way that she just thought friendly.  A few times, she left me to talk to men she did not know for extended periods of time in intense, 1-on-1 conversations.  I did not like any of this.  She thought I was just jealous and insecure, while I explained that attached women usually don't do these things, let alone in the presence of their boyfriend.

Her best friend is very attention seeking, has an open relationship with her boyfriend, and cheated on her ex-husband.

I told my uBPDexgf that I would not feel comfortable if she and this friend went out drinking on their own, especially if she were to stay the night away from me.  My reasoning was that they both tended to drink to excess and that her friend would encourage excessive male attention and bad behavior.

My uBPDexgf got very defensive and said "how dare you think I would act in a way that would put myself at risk when I was raped and it was the worst experience of my life!"  Well, that shut me up pretty good.

But then the following did NOT add up:

1. my uBPDexgf seemed very comfortable and desirous of male attention from strangers when drunk, of course she could always say that I was there so she was safe

2. she had stories of living in another state when her drinking was much worse (often black out) and she would go bar hopping, dance, and get drunk... .but she said she always had people (guy friends that were like brothers) with her to keep her safe

3. she told me about going to meet a friend in a large city, getting drunk, and then in the middle of the night navigating the subway system BY HERSELF, ALONE, to get back to a suburb she was staying at... .I would not do that and I am over 6 foot and 180 lbs and male.

4. she told me that she had had one night stands with men she met out... .which is odd if she was to avoid risky situations when drinking and always had a support system with her that would keep her out of trouble

5. she got black out drunk in my presence a few times... .once she would not walk home with me and asked me to leave her in a neighbor's yard in the middle of the night and she would walk home whenever she woke up (I did not leave her but carried her, which caused her to verbally lash out at me because I transgressed her independence)

6. she moved into a new apt. and was not concerned that some of the windows did not lock and the door lock was shabby... .when she lived with her mother they would hardly ever lock their doors

7. she had a lot of other random stories that basically involved her going around and drinking at bars and other spots

NOW, how is it that someone is so seemingly cavalier yet was raped, got PTSD from the rape, and claims that that will keep her acting responsibly?

A few possibilities is that she really had BPD prior to the rape and that she was diagnosed with PTSD instead or she could be lying about some of her trauma/diagnoses to gain sympathy and explain away why she acted so disordered, making it the blame of a single bad incident from a single bad person.  Or maybe having never experienced any of this, I just don't know what to think and I'm out of my depth.

I don't mean to victim blame or minimize anything.

I just put all this together tonight and I'm really just scratching my head.

Does this sound odd to anyone else?  Can anyone perhaps help me understand?

I know people with PTSD from war, and another with likely mild PTSD from a home invasion.  They are/were hyper vigilant.  I have heard of rape survivors becoming promiscuous afterward or engaging in risky behaviors, but it makes no sense to me to claim that rape and subsequent PTSD will make you behave well, when your track record shows otherwise.

[raisins3142]

A week or so into our relationship my uBPDexgf confided in me that an ex-bf had raped her when she was 19 or 20.  She stated that after that she had PTSD and did self harm and also drank to excess, often blacking out.  I was concerned and upset that she had endured this and very supportive and non-judgmental.

My uBPDexgf exhibited behaviors that caused me concern.  Her personality would change when she drank.  She would exude sex appeal.  If she and I were talking with a male friend/family member of mine, she would ignore me and focus very intently on them and would actively cut me out of the conversation.  She would act in a flirty way that she just thought friendly.  A few times, she left me to talk to men she did not know for extended periods of time in intense, 1-on-1 conversations.  I did not like any of this.  She thought I was just jealous and insecure, while I explained that attached women usually don't do these things, let alone in the presence of their boyfriend.

Her best friend is very attention seeking, has an open relationship with her boyfriend, and cheated on her ex-husband.

I told my uBPDexgf that I would not feel comfortable if she and this friend went out drinking on their own, especially if she were to stay the night away from me.  My reasoning was that they both tended to drink to excess and that her friend would encourage excessive male attention and bad behavior.

My uBPDexgf got very defensive and said "how dare you think I would act in a way that would put myself at risk when I was raped and it was the worst experience of my life!"  Well, that shut me up pretty good.

But then the following did NOT add up:

1. my uBPDexgf seemed very comfortable and desirous of male attention from strangers when drunk, of course she could always say that I was there so she was safe

2. she had stories of living in another state when her drinking was much worse (often black out) and she would go bar hopping, dance, and get drunk... .but she said she always had people (guy friends that were like brothers) with her to keep her safe

3. she told me about going to meet a friend in a large city, getting drunk, and then in the middle of the night navigating the subway system BY HERSELF, ALONE, to get back to a suburb she was staying at... .I would not do that and I am over 6 foot and 180 lbs and male.

4. she told me that she had had one night stands with men she met out... .which is odd if she was to avoid risky situations when drinking and always had a support system with her that would keep her out of trouble

5. she got black out drunk in my presence a few times... .once she would not walk home with me and asked me to leave her in a neighbor's yard in the middle of the night and she would walk home whenever she woke up (I did not leave her but carried her, which caused her to verbally lash out at me because I transgressed her independence)

6. she moved into a new apt. and was not concerned that some of the windows did not lock and the door lock was shabby... .when she lived with her mother they would hardly ever lock their doors

7. she had a lot of other random stories that basically involved her going around and drinking at bars and other spots

NOW, how is it that someone is so seemingly cavalier yet was raped, got PTSD from the rape, and claims that that will keep her acting responsibly?

A few possibilities is that she really had BPD prior to the rape and that she was diagnosed with PTSD instead or she could be lying about some of her trauma/diagnoses to gain sympathy and explain away why she acted so disordered, making it the blame of a single bad incident from a single bad person.  Or maybe having never experienced any of this, I just don't know what to think and I'm out of my depth.

I don't mean to victim blame or minimize anything.

I just put all this together tonight and I'm really just scratching my head.

Does this sound odd to anyone else?  Can anyone perhaps help me understand?

I know people with PTSD from war, and another with likely mild PTSD from a home invasion.  They are/were hyper vigilant.  I have heard of rape survivors becoming promiscuous afterward or engaging in risky behaviors, but it makes no sense to me to claim that rape and subsequent PTSD will make you behave well, when your track record shows otherwise.

[bunnyrabit]

Well it's sometimes hard to know if what a BPD is saying is real or not. They seem to make up stories to make (their) reality match their feelings, whereas for a normal person it's the other way around. It just comes to show how serious this disorder is, they truly are delusional and psychotic.

My ex made up entire stories about me cheating on her and pressed false charges against me for sexually molesting her son. This happened during the period I was painted black. She admits now she was delusional and knows that I never touched her son, she still holds on to the cheating story though, which was equally ludicrous. So it makes me think, was she really delusional if she can snap out of it just like that or is she truly an evil person to use her own son to get back at me?

She also claims to have been sexually abused as a child by her mother's boyfriend and is now a self proclaimed sex addict. It is not unusual at all for victims of sexual abuse to turn either asexual or sex addicts. But knowing what I know about what she made up about me and really believed to be true I have a very hard time believing this either... .It has been to court and the suspect was ruled innocent, her family also claims it's all bs.

So, in the end it's impossible to get to the truth, simply because they don't even know what's true themselves... .

[Alberto]

Playing the victim, sleeping around and abuse of alcohol or other drugs are textbook BPD behaviors. Don't try to rationalize it, it's their very particular way of emotional automedicating.

[mitchell16]

yes, mine acted and said almost the exact same thing. She acted just like that when she started drinking, it made me not want to go out in public with her where alcohol was served. Of course this caused alot of problems when she went out with her one gf that was known the cheat on her husband. In my mind if she gets drunk and excessive flirts with men in my presence, what does she do when Im not around? thats where i got  with her. I also found the drinking was just another excuse for her bad behavior. Whenever she got drunk and showed her ass, her excuse was " i was drunk you cant hold that against me"

Mine had stories of being raped, which would later change to date rape. I agree rape is rape not matter what. But when she would first tell the stories she was drugged then raped but later little things would start to come out, like she and the guy had been somewhat sexual involved etc... .I think what it was she eitehr got drunk and had sex with someone that when sober she didnt find so flattering or she eneganged in some serious ricky behavior and she would create the drugged/date raped story to explain her behaviors. That my opinion anyway. None of her stories ever add up. She would get angry if she was questioned about cheating  she say " how can you accuse me of such terrible things" first off I never accused her I might ask her about something that was strange or didnt make sense etc... .but from her own mouth she cheated on her ex husband 3 or 4 times, her ex boyfriend twice, lied to me so many times I lost count.

mine would get drunk and come on to every man in the bar in front of me so no wonder I would wonder what she was doing when I wasnt with her.

[billypilgrim]

Mine also told me that she had been raped early in the r/s.  A couple of weeks later when I brought it up, she changed her story a little bit and said it probably wasn't rape after all.  So who really knows?  She would also be overly sexual in public - to the point that it would make me embarrassed for her and us.  She would share private details.  Or discuss her past.  Almost like she was bragging about it - sleeping around isn't really something to be proud of.  But seduction is her only real skill I suppose.  She walks a fine line between BPD, HPD, and NPD though labeling it doesn't really matter so much as identifying the types of unhealthy behaviors that they exhibit. 

But as others have said, it's a way for her to assume the role of the victim.  It's a defense mechanism that elicits sympathy or empathy from whoever will listen.  It also is a way to focus the attention and spotlight back on them. 

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx also gave me a story about being raped when she was in HS. If i were a gambling man i would bet everything i own and all my future earnings on that being a  lie.

[raisins3142]

Can someone who was with a female BPD describe how they flirted?

Mine told me she was just being friendly because it did not cross a certain line.

She did not touch, exchange numbers (as far as I could tell), or talk raunchy (as far as I could tell).

But what she did do was act in a fake and dramatic manner that was attention seeking or just not her usual sullen self.  I think she knew that acting sullen toward people in public would make her a bit of an outcast and it hurt when she would be her usual self with me and then flip on a dime when a new man was near.

These were her common behaviors that I found flirtatious (when taken as a full package and viewed in total, as they were all happening at the same time):

1. huge, continual smile

2. movement of the smile in an expressive and coquettish, playful manner

3. movement of the head in a showy way (side to side in timing with smile changes and leaning in)

4. continual giggling at everything they said

5. acting like she was hanging on their every word

6. laser like focus and eye contact to the point where the rest of the world (including me) disappeared

7. leaning in toward them and turning toward them

8. speaking with them for too long a period (when I am in a relationship I have an "egg timer" in my head that dings after a few minutes of talking to a strange female, I know I should be moving on soon lest I give the wrong impression... .she lacked a similar buffer or egg timer function)

9. cursing a lot, like sometimes saying the f-word a few times each sentence (which from a 32 year old female is odd and attention getting and also makes her seem coarse and more likely highly sexual)

10. seemingly purposeful softening, squinting of the eyes

11.  speaking with them for too long away from me when I was not occupied (she left my side to do this) or cutting me off and ignoring me in my presence, often turning away from me toward them and giving me the "cold shoulder" so to speak

12. high pitched, childish voice with a sing-song cadence to it

13. moving close enough to each other that they were in each others personal space, either her doing so or not moving back when he stepped toward her

This just all seemed like tentative human mating behavior to me given my experience.  Whenever women do this to me, they like me.

I think this common behavior of hers and her seeming obliviousness explains why she had few female friends and mostly male friends (males like this behavior and other women do not, especially if it is toward their SO)...

My complaint was that she would only do this to males that weren't me and when drinking.  She did this same thing to me during the 1st 6 week idealization phase and I liked it.  When she tapered off with me and started showing this attractive/false self to men that seemed to find her attractive, it was very hurtful to me.

She thought all this normal conversation style, but to me it was her learned behavior (conscious or not) that got her attention and allowed her to be easily be friends with males.  It allowed her to engage in the types of discussions that she could do easily which is where she was passive and pursued somewhat in the conversation and she just had to respond/mirror.

She really made me question my own perceptions on this one.

I think she partly did not think it was flirting/hurtful because she did not think she was flirting and she had no intention of cheating (so she said).  So, to her if it didn't feel a certain way or she was not terribly betraying me then it was ok.  Her self centeredness made her tone deaf to social situations, it seems, and unaware of realizing the impressions she was giving off.  She just knew what made people like to talk to her and just did that.

[Elpis]

Rape is nonconsensual sex, in its simplest definition. If she was saying yes up till the last second and then says no it is by definition, rape.

But all that other craziness about being extremely sexual when drinking, all I can say is YIKES and that I don't really understand it, other than as explained by the risky behavior of someone suffering from BPD.

I have Complex PTSD as a result of my chaotic childhood home and the added affects of my uBPDh's abusive behavior, so I know PTSD can come from many things. And I've heard where people who've been molested as children can go either super sexual or quite the opposite. People are complicated, and BPD just complicates things further! ":)eeply held faulty beliefs" and all that.

[hurting300]

Mine said she was raped twice by two different guys. She said this the first time we met when she got in my car at NIGHT time. No I do not believe her. I tracked down people and ask questions.

[LuckyNicki]

Craziness. 

What youre going through is exactly what i went through with these millions of questions on my mind.  It drained me and  early drove me nuts.

Mine claimed she was raped too.  Last year in dec i experienced  this relationship and i knew something was seriously  off. My suspicions had me literally read every article i can on the internet  regarding rape and what it does to a female after.

It was very hard to find answers because most of the information on the internet are very generalized.  However, the intense research eventually lead me to the subject of BPD.  Everything clicked.  And i was left with the same frigggen question you address here:  "Maybe BPD was before the rape "

Of course tho, mine had another element to the equation that confuses things even more.  She fought cancer and went through the entire chemo process (losing hair, aalmost died, attempted suicide multiple  times)

Youre  never going to know the truth.  Because  closer you seem to get to the truth, the more she will distance herself to you which will put you further from the truth.

[iluminati]

I'm not speaking from a pure BPD experience here, and of course, I'm not a psychologist.  Still, someone acting like that after being raped isn't that off the wall.  Not everyone processes trauma the same.  Some people who go through stuff like that are raring to go back and relive similar experiences, hoping to somehow conquer the situation.  That's why you have shell shocked vets run off and join biker gangs or incest victims work as hookers, to use a couple of well-known examples.  That behavior, disturbing as it is, isn't off the wall.

[Targeted]

I think it is partly a control thing, if she was actually raped she had no control over the event because it was forced, so when a rape victim acts promiscuously and initiates the act they are temporarily soothed by having full control over the very thing that caused them their trauma.

[hurting300]

I think it's odd how they've all been raped.

[billypilgrim]

I think it's odd how they've all been raped.

Plays into the victim role.  In addition, in their black and white way of viewing the world, they may have changed their minds about the experience a number of times. 

[raisins3142]

I'm not speaking from a pure BPD experience here, and of course, I'm not a psychologist.  Still, someone acting like that after being raped isn't that off the wall.  Not everyone processes trauma the same.  Some people who go through stuff like that are raring to go back and relive similar experiences, hoping to somehow conquer the situation.  That's why you have shell shocked vets run off and join biker gangs or incest victims work as hookers, to use a couple of well-known examples.  That behavior, disturbing as it is, isn't off the wall.

Agreed.  The disconnect is that she claimed the experience made her more careful and trustworthy.  If how she acted was "careful" then I'd hate to see carefree.  Perhaps that is the issue.  From my perspective, she took dumb risks while she might have thought that level of risk taking (ex. riding a subway in a large, strange city in the middle of the night while drunk, female, and petite) is normal or not risky at all.

[raisins3142]

I think it is partly a control thing, if she was actually raped she had no control over the event because it was forced, so when a rape victim acts promiscuously and initiates the act they are temporarily soothed by having full control over the very thing that caused them their trauma.

True.  Also, abuse/rape victims often either no longer feel sex is special and good OR they want to devalue sexual intimacy so that what was done to them is, in hindsight, "no big deal", more like a forced hand shake or something.

[raisins3142]

I think it's odd how they've all been raped.

Perhaps it is because many of them were abused as kids or not taught how to look after themselves properly?

My uBPDexgf had severe sexual dysfunction that usually popped up in her relationships once she got close.

There were also many clues that she had been sexually abused as a minor.

When someone has sexual dysfunction of a certain severity, then most people assume that something bad happened to them.

Perhaps it is easier to admit to a rape as an adult as the cause as I would think that would be less shame inducing.

[hergestridge]

When my wife cheated on me she tried to rationalize that as first as something done to her against her will. There was not one grain of truth to that when I questionef her about the details.

Likewise, she has told others that I have forced to do things when I had not. She rationalized this with having "felt pressured".

They are dangerous when they seek support and are believed by people who don't ask questions.

She had the same thing with other guys and drinking. Going out was all about dating for her during our 20 year marriage. Once she understod all girls weren't like that it only made her want to be more like that; the "I have to be me" thing.

Is there a limit for how much hell you can drag others through?

[raisins3142]

When my wife cheated on me she tried to rationalize that as first as something done to her against her will. There was not one grain of truth to that when I questionef her about the details.

Likewise, she has told others that I have forced to do things when I had not. She rationalized this with having "felt pressured".

They are dangerous when they seek support and are believed by people who don't ask questions.

She had the same thing with other guys and drinking. Going out was all about dating for her during our 20 year marriage. Once she understod all girls weren't like that it only made her want to be more like that; the "I have to be me" thing.

Is there a limit for how much hell you can drag others through?

Related to the "have to be me" idea.  I was suspicious when my 32 year old ex was strangely preoccupied with finding or being herself.

That is something that most folks hash out in their early 20s.

At my age, I don't even think of being myself or not.  Who else am I to be, Thomas Edison, perhaps?

You are yourself by definition, pretty much, so long as you are healthy and have a "self" to be.

My ex also thought she spoke like other women when it came to addressing other men (meaning she thought this continuous, at least mildly, flirty thing was just how women spoke to men).  Also, she thought all people hid their phone usage from others (or were just really private about it) and that most women had a slew of men they spoke with that their SO did not know about at all.

When I told her "we have been going out for months, you use your phone all the time, and I don't even know what your phone's wallpaper is or what your screen looks like" she shot back "well, I don't know what my best friends phone looks like!"  That's weird because my best male friends often hand me their phone to look at things, it is just no big deal to us at all to do this.

I think she might not have thought that most other women are like her, but just used it in defense, but perhaps she did because she had NO female friends, past or present, that she knew well enough to witness the behavior of that were also not party girls and were in successful relationships.  So, I think she really did not have any good role models, and her family of origin was no help as the father was a serial cheater.

[hurting300]

I do not believe for one minute my ex was raped either time. I know that sounds mean but I don't.

[Maternus]

My uBPD-mother told me she was raped. She never mentioned that before, it was her answer to me, when I told her that I was sexually abused by my uNPD-father as a child. That is about 10 years ago - when I told her about the abuse - and I didn't know about PDs at that time.  But it was a strange incident. I told her, that my father, her ex-husband is a sexual abuser and all she has to say was "I was raped, too". No indignation, no empathy - just turning the spotlight back on her.

[Elpis]

Maternus, that's a pretty awful response from a mother! I'm sorry to hear that. 

[fred6]

Same here. By our 1st or 2nd conversation she had told me that she was raped and beaten by the "love of her life". I told her that I she didn't have to talk about bad memories with me. To which she replied, " It's all good, I have forgiven him and moved on". For 3 years, from the 1st time we had sex she just laid there with an emotionless blank stare. Not once in 3 in years did she ever initiate sex between us or perform oral sex on me. I kind of just wrote those things off as her being peculiar idiosyncrasies. But make no mistake, she is a promiscuous slutty female(still bothers me to say that)Just not with me for some reason. However, I was her longest relationship in 10 years. None of it makes any sense to me. I guess that's a good thing, even though it's tough sometimes.

[Maternus]

Maternus, that's a pretty awful response from a mother! I'm sorry to hear that. 

Don't feel sorry for me. It's a kind of relief for me to accept that my family is dysfunctional and disordered. For my whole life I thought I was wrong, when I felt empathy with others, when I thought, that it is good to have values and to keep boundaries around them. I was programmed, to fell in love with a pwBPD. But that is a program, you can delete, once you got through it.  When I look at my family, I must say, I had great luck not to be a Cluster-B-personality myself. 

[mywifecrazy]

They are dangerous when they seek support and are believed by people who don't ask questions.

God this is so true. This was me when my uBPDxw told me of her previous abuse by family then her boyfriend. i didn't ask questions and evaluate the situation LOGICALLY! it cost me dearly as I went right into the white night rescuer mode. Felt really good about myself and how I was taking care of this person when everyone else was so horrible to her. She set the trap, I stepped in and the FOG settled in around me for 20 years. Lesson learned. When I meet women now I am evaluating EVERYTHING. My guard is up, I can now spot the tiniest    . And I heed their warning!

I do not believe for one minute my ex was raped either time. I know that sounds mean but I don't.

It's not mean. Your being logical. To me it's mean and disrespectful to women who have actually been raped to throw around these false accusations so freely  just to manipulate people into feeling sorry for them.

My uBPDxw has accused family members of abuse, past boyfriend of rape and has now accused me of raping her and beating on my sons. You see what I mean? Someday someone who was actually raped may confide in me for support and now I'm going to be suspicious of their story.

I don't care about the disorder when it comes to these false rape accusations. Only by the grace of God that I'm not in jail and didn't lose my kids. She was actually running around with a COP telling him stories about me.  

MWC... .

[jhkbuzz]

I think it's odd how they've all been raped.

I don't know about "all" of them... .but mine said she was too.

Read this once, makes sense:

"Research also shows that those with borderline personality disorder are more likely to exhibit greater sexual preoccupation, have earlier sexual exposure, engage in casual sexual relationships, report a greater number of different sexual partners as well as promiscuity, and engage in homosexual experiences. In addition, patients with borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by a greater number of high-risk sexual behaviors; a higher likelihood of having been coerced to have sex, experiencing date rape, or being raped by a stranger; and the contraction of more sexually transmitted diseases. Overall, the psychological themes relating to sexual behavior in borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by impulsivity and victimization."

My exBPDgf often did not "discriminate" when it came to r/s's... .she was completely open and dove in head first... .which meant that she was sometimes open with people who would take advantage of her... .or abuse her.  She didn't take the time to get to know people, to discriminate who was worth becoming involved with.  That impulsivity and lack of discernment, I believe, also means that they sometimes put themselves in dangerous situations.

[hurting300]

They are dangerous when they seek support and are believed by people who don't ask questions.

God this is so true. This was me when my uBPDxw told me of her previous abuse by family then her boyfriend. i didn't ask questions and evaluate the situation LOGICALLY! it cost me dearly as I went right into the white night rescuer mode. Felt really good about myself and how I was taking care of this person when everyone else was so horrible to her. She set the trap, I stepped in and the FOG settled in around me for 20 years. Lesson learned. When I meet women now I am evaluating EVERYTHING. My guard is up, I can now spot the tiniest    . And I heed their warning!

I do not believe for one minute my ex was raped either time. I know that sounds mean but I don't.

It's not mean. Your being logical. To me it's mean and disrespectful to women who have actually been raped to throw around these false accusations so freely  just to manipulate people into feeling sorry for them.

My uBPDxw has accused family members of abuse, past boyfriend of rape and has now accused me of raping her and beating on my sons. You see what I mean? Someday someone who was actually raped may confide in me for support and now I'm going to be suspicious of their story.

I don't care about the disorder when it comes to these false rape accusations. Only by the grace of God that I'm not in jail and didn't lose my kids. She was actually running around with a COP telling him stories about me.  

MWC... .

those people lie every breath.

[Maternus]

This was me when my uBPDxw told me of her previous abuse by family then her boyfriend. i didn't ask questions and evaluate the situation LOGICALLY! it cost me dearly as I went right into the white night rescuer mode.

Mine told me she was physically abused by her ex-husband in front of her children, but she begged me not to mention this to her kids. "They know it, but they hide it from their selves. They will see it, when they are old enough." She also told me, that she never speaks bad of her ex in front of her children, it's their father and they love their father - and they need this bond, even if it's unhealthy. No one was allowed to speak bad about her ex-husband in front of her children. But she was always ruminating about him, when her children didn't listen. I always thought, that the reason for this was her empathy for her children. No, its her manipulative way to discover her lies. Her children never talked bad about their father - and they never did, because there is nothing bad about him.

[Inside]

... .just finished page one here ... and am floored, yet again, by the identical and spot-on descriptions and behavior of my BPDxgf… Un-Real…  Her sexual aggression and MO were identical to those described ... .thank you for putting them into words.  

And - ‘her rape.’  Late teens, drinking, and admittingly teasing a ‘guy she had a crush on’ while staying overnight at a girlfriends.  The parents told the boys to leave and the girls to go to bed.  ‘Her target’ climbed back into her bedroom window and “raped her.”  

From all I’ve learned of her behavior and desires, she likely allowed him in, if literally…  Rape?  I must have been reminded of that half a dozen times by her … though she’d never called out for help, or filed charges.  But she has followed the guy's impressive career in law enforcement … while reminiscing (fondly) about how she ‘could have brought him down.’  

I’ve lost faith in the ‘childhood traumas’ supposedly experienced by and/ or having triggered the onset of BPD…  From my studies, their behaviour begins much sooner than acknowledged - and likely initiates the vast majority of their life trauma.  Not the other way around…  I’ve also come to feel very sorry for parents likely feeling guilty for having allowed or contributed in some way to their child’s BPD - and seriously feel this needs to be corrected ASAP!

BP’s derive the bulk of their self worth from others, and quickly learn which behavior brings them the most immediate attention, such as sexual provocation, self harm, substance abuse or explosive anger …. as they refine those behaviors through life.

… drinking, mine began every social encounter with alcohol and/ or drugs, giving her the ultimate ‘excuse,’ “but I was drunk!”  ... .actually, I was there, and she was nowhere near ‘drunk.’  She has B- and HPD, and apparently always will … no matter how good her parents, partners, friends or Ts ... .it's beyond us.

[ChadP]

Mine was also "raped" LOL! I think if I was raped I'd be a little distant with having sex. From everything I've read on here the BPD's don't seem to have a problem with giving it up every chance they get.