i just dont get it

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I looked on Facebook today and read a post that my ex BPDgf posted. It said that she was feeling happy and after a long day nothing was better than being with the people she loves the most and having chicken parm.  She didn't write the names of the people she loves the most, she wrote their initials... .one set is my replacements initials. I find that odd. Why not write his name? 

The second piece I find odd is she posted they are eating chicken parm. Chicken parm is my favorite and she knows it. Why of all foods would you post my favorite?  Also she changed her profile picture and she is wearing the necklace I bought her. It isn't a big deal but the last time we broke up and recycled she told me she never took the necklace off because it reminded her of me and kept her hopeful. The difference with this recycle is she is posting about how happy she is.  She never did this before. But she also has a drunk driving charge hanging over her head that she is waiting to see what happens. So she has a lot to maintain right now as far as image.

I have been NC for over 90 days. I will not break NC and I am committed to never going back. The whole just fascinates me. Now that I am out of the FOG and away from the crazy I find their behavior so odd. I know there is no explanation for why they do what they do but i would like to hear your guys thoughts.  Maybe she really is happy. But if she is why the odd behavior?

[willtimeheal]

So I looked on Facebook today and read a post that my ex BPDgf posted. It said that she was feeling happy and after a long day nothing was better than being with the people she loves the most and having chicken parm.  She didn't write the names of the people she loves the most, she wrote their initials... .one set is my replacements initials. I find that odd. Why not write his name? 

The second piece I find odd is she posted they are eating chicken parm. Chicken parm is my favorite and she knows it. Why of all foods would you post my favorite?  Also she changed her profile picture and she is wearing the necklace I bought her. It isn't a big deal but the last time we broke up and recycled she told me she never took the necklace off because it reminded her of me and kept her hopeful. The difference with this recycle is she is posting about how happy she is.  She never did this before. But she also has a drunk driving charge hanging over her head that she is waiting to see what happens. So she has a lot to maintain right now as far as image.

I have been NC for over 90 days. I will not break NC and I am committed to never going back. The whole just fascinates me. Now that I am out of the FOG and away from the crazy I find their behavior so odd. I know there is no explanation for why they do what they do but i would like to hear your guys thoughts.  Maybe she really is happy. But if she is why the odd behavior?

[Tim300]

Shes doesn't sound very happy to me.  Seems like her announcement is a way of convincing herself or others that she's happy.  She is still caught up on you (necklace and chick parm).  She likely used the replacement's initials because she's not fully committed to him and she wants to keep her options open.

Kudos to committing to NC and not looking back.   

[fromheeltoheal]

NC is no contact, not no communication, and to split hairs, looking at her Facebook page is contact.  Impossible to say why she's eating chicken Parmesan, it could be a veiled message to you or maybe she just wanted it for dinner, but the larger issue is why did you feel compelled to look?  We've all done it, I looked at her house on Google Earth more than a few times, not sure what I was looking for really, but honestly I was connecting, ruminating, reliving, bottom line not letting go.  It is possible to break up with someone and remain Facebook friends, or maybe just not block each other and look now and then, but it's really important to be honest with yourself as to why you're doing it and whether or not it's helping with your detachment.  If detachment is a slow shifting of focus from her to you and from the past to the future, is checking out her Facebook page helping that or hindering it?  Your answers are your answers and there's no judgment, just something to think about.  Take care of you!

[bunnyrabit]

So I looked on Facebook today and read a post that my ex BPDgf posted. It said that she was feeling happy and after a long day nothing was better than being with the people she loves the most and having chicken parm.  She didn't write the names of the people she loves the most, she wrote their initials... .one set is my replacements initials. I find that odd. Why not write his name? 

The second piece I find odd is she posted they are eating chicken parm. Chicken parm is my favorite and she knows it. Why of all foods would you post my favorite? 

To mess with your mind a bit and who knows, she might be able to squeeze a few more drops of supply out of you.

Honestly though, you're doing it to yourself, you shouldn't be looking on her facebook, pondering about what her posts might mean. That, in no way, shape or form will help you to detach and move on.

Bad willtimeheal, bad... .

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for the responses. I know I shouldn't look at her FB. And heel I appreciate you asking me to be honest with myself.

Honestly I don't know why I looked. I am curious if she is happy. I wonder if she thinks about me. I do know that I can and will never go back to that chaos. That is something I am fully committed to. I have been thru six years of hell and I don't ever want to return there. So I know for  my own health and well being I can and will never go back.

I read the post and I just laughed. I still would like to make sense out of everything but I understand that my logical mind may never be able to understand her behavior. I have talked  with my therapist about looking at her posts. When I read the post It reminded me of how crazy and messed up life was with her. Sometimes I need that shot of "reality" to be reminded of how messed up it was to help me detach.  My therapist said it was ok to look. I can't go back ... .It would destroy me. I will never go back to that life.

[wavelife]

Your logical mind... .I am very much like that and have done the post mortem on my marriage too many times.  Dissecting, looking for the broken piece.  To understand it all gives closure I guess.  Problem is there is nothing logical or rational about any of it.  It's not easy for me but I am just at the point of acceptance.  It just is and I will never understand her or what happened.  I hate social media!  It has sucked me in more than a few times for a quick peek. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I can't go back ... .It would destroy me. I will never go back to that life.

Good for you!  I would never go back either.  So where forward are you going?

[Infared]

So I looked on Facebook today and read a post that my ex BPDgf posted. It said that she was feeling happy and after a long day nothing was better than being with the people she loves the most and having chicken parm.  She didn't write the names of the people she loves the most, she wrote their initials... .one set is my replacements initials. I find that odd. Why not write his name?  

The second piece I find odd is she posted they are eating chicken parm. Chicken parm is my favorite and she knows it. Why of all foods would you post my favorite?  

To mess with your mind a bit and who knows, she might be able to squeeze a few more drops of supply out of you.

Honestly though, you're doing it to yourself, you shouldn't be looking on her facebook, pondering about what her posts might mean. That, in no way, shape or form will help you to detach and move on.

Bad willtimeheal, bad... .

I agree with what bunny rabbit has to say above +1000

That being said... .you are looking at the FB page of a crazy person and trying to make some kind of logical sense out of it?  Right?

[Infern0]

They do this a lot.

Mine used to post up meme's on her instagram like "Moving on means being free of those who hold you back" or some other nonsense like that when we would have a fall out and not be talking.

Of course within a few days of me not contacting her, she'd be calling me up crying about her life and how it was so bad.

It's childish and immature, if they really didn't care they wouldn't do stuff like this, it's a tactic to get at us, but if you sit back and think about it, the fact they are stooping to that level means they DO care and we are on their mind.

Anyways, best to stop checking all the social media stuff, it's all lies, smoke and mirrors anyways

[enlighten me]

Facebook I think is a very interesting analytical tool. Im no professional but there is a lot that you can learn.

What was your exs favourite meal before? Chicken parm may well be her favourite now. This could be as it reminds her of you and happier times. The necklace is also an attachment to you.

My exgf has been with her new supply for months but is still single on her status. She has only mentioned him in a couple of posts and they were when he was away on holiday without her.

If you realise that fb is a place they can project a perfect image or seek supply then you can see beneath the veil. The louder they shout about life being wonderful the more chance it isnt going as well as they hope. The more they slate you shows how hurt they are at their loss. The more selfies = the more attention they are seeking. The more woe is me = more atention required. When they are quiet they are getting their needs met.

By seeing how they behave reveals so much.

[willtimeheal]

I know this  is crazy but looking at the FB page helped me to some extent. I can "see" the crazy and the fake now that I am out. And honestly if she is that happy then ok. I won't go back so if she managed to find happiness then I am happy for her... .isn't that what acceptance is some what about. Also my therapist and I talked about how now That I am away from her I will still have that ache for her. And I do miss her and think wow I want her back but I know that I can never do it. Not if I want a healthy relationship. So as my therapist explained it to me for now I live with an ache. I want something I can't have but in time that ache will slowly fade. That I can understand   

[Deeno02]

I took the bait and looked and commented on her instagram photo. Big mistake. Started NC all over again. Recommendation? Block, delete, block and delete some more. Its so not worth it.

[Hazelrah]

NC is no contact, not no communication, and to split hairs, looking at her Facebook page is contact.  

I agree with this comment.  FB 'stalking' can be detrimental to some of our recoveries... .it can get the cycle of rumination going full-force all over again.  Plus, as has been noted time and time again, much of what we see on FB should be taken with a grain of salt, BPD sufferer or not.  What we see on their pages may or may not be an accurate depiction of where their life really is at that given point, providing further reasons for us to ruminate on just where their heads and hearts are at the time.  If we can't really trust what they are showing the world via social media, what is the real value in seeking them out?

 

This is just my personal experience, though.  Some folks may need to do it to move forward.  But I can tell you this: I have not checked my ex-wife's FB once since the fall-out--it would've been too painful for me, and I was done with feeling pain.  I had a couple updates from well-meaning folks who thought I'd want to know, but I kindly asked them to refrain from any further reports.  Maintaining this form of NC was essential to my slow ascent out of the BPD hole.

[Infared]

NC is no contact, not no communication, and to split hairs, looking at her Facebook page is contact.  

I agree with this comment.  FB 'stalking' can be detrimental to some of our recoveries... .it can get the cycle of rumination going full-force all over again.  Plus, as has been noted time and time again, much of what we see on FB should be taken with a grain of salt, BPD sufferer or not.  What we see on their pages may or may not be an accurate depiction of where their life really is at that given point, providing further reasons for us to ruminate on just where their heads and hearts are at the time.  If we can't really trust what they are showing the world via social media, what is the real value in seeking them out?

 

This is just my personal experience, though.  Some folks may need to do it to move forward.  But I can tell you this: I have not checked my ex-wife's FB once since the fall-out--it would've been too painful for me, and I was done with feeling pain.  I had a couple updates from well-meaning folks who thought I'd want to know, but I kindly asked them to refrain from any further reports.  Maintaining this form of NC was essential to my slow ascent out of the BPD hole.

Amen. It was not easy, but I did the same.

[LeftSidePain]

Personally I call it Fakebook and feel oh so clever about it. Not really, but it is a very fake output of someones life if need be. I can post all the happy good time feels I have and everyone will think I am just oh so witty and awesome. When reality is I am broke, poor, sad and hate my life. It's an image that I want you to see.

If it made you feel a bit better then leave it at that. I know when in the first weeks of my break I was told NC all the way. I broke it and poured out my feelings to my ex about some things bothering me. It didn't change an damn thing, but I felt good to right some of my wrongs.

There is no joy there at FB just leave it. You have now sent yourself into rumination of what ifs and why. You see her eating what you both ate and she is wearing your necklace. You have now strengthened the golden rope of hope and made it harder to detach. In the process you have stepped backwards.

Like everyone else has said leave FB alone.

[Elpis]

Her "chicken parm" comment struck a chord for me-- since I've been gone from my marriage I've heard a few things come from my uBPDh that were phrases I would use, and I would wonder too what was up with that. Like, I would always say I didn't mind "happy noise" with our kids when they were young or with our grandkids. My h recently visited our daughter and her family who live out of the country (and filled their heads with hate for me) but when he talked to me at one point during his visit he referred to the "happy noise" of the grandkids. He's always been one to HATE noise.

It could be many things... .even a subconscious mirroring of us, who knows. The Familiar gets to all of us I suppose... .

[Infared]

Her "chicken parm" comment struck a chord for me-- since I've been gone from my marriage I've heard a few things come from my uBPDh that were phrases I would use, and I would wonder too what was up with that. Like, I would always say I didn't mind "happy noise" with our kids when they were young or with our grandkids. My h recently visited our daughter and her family who live out of the country (and filled their heads with hate for me) but when he talked to me at one point during his visit he referred to the "happy noise" of the grandkids. He's always been one to HATE noise.

It could be many things... .even a subconscious mirroring of us, who knows. The Familiar gets to all of us I suppose... .

I do not have a comment one way or the other about the relationship stuff.

I am single and have no children.

I am male.

I do not know where I heard the term "happy noise".   ... .but I think that that sound is truly one of the most wonderful joys in life.  I picked that phrase up somewhere, and now wherever I may here it... I can identify the sound and enjoy it just for what it is.  I like to lift weary parents up sometimes by saying... ."what?... .all I hear is happy noise... .its a beautiful sound. Thank you for help filling my day with something so positive."

Thanks for reminding me of one of the joys in life. ... .and for me ... .it's FREE!  

[Elpis]

Her "chicken parm" comment struck a chord for me-- since I've been gone from my marriage I've heard a few things come from my uBPDh that were phrases I would use, and I would wonder too what was up with that. Like, I would always say I didn't mind "happy noise" with our kids when they were young or with our grandkids. My h recently visited our daughter and her family who live out of the country (and filled their heads with hate for me) but when he talked to me at one point during his visit he referred to the "happy noise" of the grandkids. He's always been one to HATE noise.

It could be many things... .even a subconscious mirroring of us, who knows. The Familiar gets to all of us I suppose... .

I do not have a comment one way or the other about the relationship stuff.

I am single and have no children.

I am male.

I do not know where I heard the term "happy noise".   ... .but I think that that sound is truly one of the most wonderful joys in life.  I picked that phrase up somewhere, and now wherever I may here it... I can identify the sound and enjoy it just for what it is.  I like to lift weary parents up sometimes by saying... ."what?... .all I hear is happy noise... .its a beautiful sound. Thank you for help filling my day with something so positive."

Thanks for reminding me of one of the joys in life. ... .and for me ... .it's FREE!  

TRUTH! 

[BPDGuy1]

Before mine dated me she never went to a nice restaurant, I took her to my favorite one a few times. Its quite a drive away so not at all local. She put a picture up of her and her replacement at the same restaurant 3 days after our breakup. Knowing I would see it, I didn't react and have keep with NC. God knows what goes through there minds! It's all just a game I think... .

[willtimeheal]

Thank you all for your replies. I have  no intention of ever going back. I will no contact her or respond if she contacted me. I am in a good place and I will never return to the rages and madness.

I don't feel that I have been set backwards. I saw the post. Was like... .are you kidding me?  I laughed and then went on with my day.   I posted here asking what you guys thought. It did not consume my thoughts, my mind, or my day. I wonder If she is happy... .I hope so. I just know that I am happy. I might stumble every now and then but that is natural but I am happy and strong. That is why she left. She couldn't handle it. I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. I know in my head and heart... .I am finished with the dance. I feel that is the most important piece... .knowing I am finished.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It helps me think and put things in perspective.

[Copperfox]

Before mine dated me she never went to a nice restaurant, I took her to my favorite one a few times. Its quite a drive away so not at all local. She put a picture up of her and her replacement at the same restaurant 3 days after our breakup. Knowing I would see it, I didn't react and have keep with NC. God knows what goes through there minds! It's all just a game I think... .

So true, four kings.  Mine played lots of games on social media after the breakup.  A strange dance, except I'm no longer dancing.  Not responding is best, although I do feel once you get to point where you can see those things and remain (mostly) unaffected, that's a good sign.  There will always be reminders ... .one day at a time.