Without fail

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yet again, during my T appointment, my phone starts ringing. T told me to leave it on because every single appointment I've had, regardless of day or time BPDgf has called.

Today was especially exceptional as she called 7 times. When we finished, I had a text from her that said ":)oesn't matter now" but I still called her back to see what it was she wanted. Apparently she needed my passport number as she is at the passport office and was really annoyed and disgusted that I never answered the phone when she desperately needed me.

Told her I was at the doctors office so couldn't answer my phone and left it at that.

It's this part that really upsets me because she wants to continue to have her needs met whilst at the same time has a complete disregard to anything I'm feeling or doing. Thankfully next weeks Therapy session is around healthy detachment and addressing the fear of letting go.

[Ripped Heart]

Yet again, during my T appointment, my phone starts ringing. T told me to leave it on because every single appointment I've had, regardless of day or time BPDgf has called.

Today was especially exceptional as she called 7 times. When we finished, I had a text from her that said ":)oesn't matter now" but I still called her back to see what it was she wanted. Apparently she needed my passport number as she is at the passport office and was really annoyed and disgusted that I never answered the phone when she desperately needed me.

Told her I was at the doctors office so couldn't answer my phone and left it at that.

It's this part that really upsets me because she wants to continue to have her needs met whilst at the same time has a complete disregard to anything I'm feeling or doing. Thankfully next weeks Therapy session is around healthy detachment and addressing the fear of letting go.

[Ripped Heart]

Think I might have triggered a major rage.

Sent a text earlier to see if she got home ok, if she managed to get everything done and if she is feeling any better as she hasn't been well the last few days. Got short, sharp angry responses.

So I answered back, apologised that I wasn't able to take her call this morning. Got another angry response so I told her that it feels that every time I contact her she is short and angry but that I'm expected to drop everything when she needs something and this cannot continue. This is not mutual respect and that I won't accept this kind of behaviour.

Needless to say, this was followed up by a major outburst and then nothing. She won't answer the phone or reply to text messages. I'm not chasing any more, dont have the energy to keep doing this. Did I do the right thing?

[EaglesJuju]

Think I might have triggered a major rage.

Sent a text earlier to see if she got home ok, if she managed to get everything done and if she is feeling any better as she hasn't been well the last few days. Got short, sharp angry responses.

So I answered back, apologised that I wasn't able to take her call this morning. Got another angry response so I told her that it feels that every time I contact her she is short and angry but that I'm expected to drop everything when she needs something and this cannot continue. This is not mutual respect and that I won't accept this kind of behaviour.

Needless to say, this was followed up by a major outburst and then nothing. She won't answer the phone or reply to text messages. I'm not chasing any more, dont have the energy to keep doing this. Did I do the right thing?

I am going to be harsh. Why did you apologize to her? Do you think that you stuck to your boundary?

[Ripped Heart]

The apology was more for me not being there when she needed me for something. I guess its a habit I have to break.

It wasn't an apology to calm her behaviour towards me. I did make it clear to her what I was apologising about but when the attitude continued, I think I enforced a boundary in that I wasn't going to be spoken to in that manner and was taking a step back. I'm new to this boundary thing so wasn't sure if I got that right 

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry if I came across as too harsh. 

The apology was more for me not being there when she needed me for something. I guess its a habit I have to break.

There you go! It is really a tough habit to break when you are a people pleaser.

It wasn't an apology to calm her behaviour towards me. I did make it clear to her what I was apologising about but when the attitude continued, I think I enforced a boundary in that I wasn't going to be spoken to in that manner and was taking a step back. I'm new to this boundary thing so wasn't sure if I got that right 

Chasing her after she had an outburst is a way of not enforcing your boundary. It appears that she is exhibiting a type of "extinction burst," considering the way she reacted after you set the boundary. 

[Ripped Heart]

Not at all Eagles 

Its an area I have difficulty understanding and the more direct, the better it is for me. I didn't see it as harsh, I saw it as perfectly valid questions.

In T today we looked at an incident cycle. Thoughts, physical symptoms, behaviours and actions. In order to break the habit I have to focus on switching either thoughts or behaviours so tonight that's what I attempted.

Instead of usually giving in and my behaviour is to retract and say nothing when greeted by a rage or anger, I asserted that I would still take that step back but on the fact I won't be spoken to like that.

I haven't chased her this time when usually I always feel guilty for telling someone something that might upset them. I've just had 2 missed calls from her, but not ready to answer yet because she could still be angry and I would rather keep that step back right now.

[EaglesJuju]

Instead of usually giving in and my behaviour is to retract and say nothing when greeted by a rage or anger, I asserted that I would still take that step back but on the fact I won't be spoken to like that.

I haven't chased her this time when usually I always feel guilty for telling someone something that might upset them. I've just had 2 missed calls from her, but not ready to answer yet because she could still be angry and I would rather keep that step back right now.

I misunderstood, I thought you called her. I think not answering her calls is a good decision. Answering her when she may still be angry  will only reinforce her behavior.

Her behavior might get worse before it gets better. Are you prepared for that?

The guilty feeling is really tough. In the beginning, it feels strange to say no and focus on your needs and wants.  It does gets easier though.     

[Ripped Heart]

I did call her back this morning following the missed calls, not called her back after the attitude on the phone earlier today.

As for behaviour getting worse, I believe that so. Got a text tonight to say she is annoyed at my wants and boundaries. She stated the fact I mentioned cheating as being something I can't deal with, I'm pointing the finger at something she hasn't done.

Its not pointing the finger, just stating where I stand. As for not doing it, I have proof but haven't brought this up with her. As far as I'm concerned, my boundaries are moving forward not what's already happened. I can't change that.

The guilt is difficult and T said today that comes with a lot of conditioning over the years so breaking it is like trying to break any habit. Will get there though, still not reached out and to be honest, I do feel much better in myself for not doing that.

[Ripped Heart]

So got an email tonight to let me know she is exhausted after a long drive today and still has a very bad chest infection.

Not a single mention of anything that went on yesterday or the day before.

I told her yesterday I was taking a step back because of the outburst but I don't feel ready to talk to her yet. Instead had a lovely evening with a couple of friends and going to read a book or watch a movie.