I busted her stalking me on FB, but what does it mean? If anything?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

she disappeared on me in September and blocked contact... .I had not so much as spoken with her, texted or emailed. Even though I was blocked on social media, I suspected that she was checking in on me. I developed a ruse related to some property her hers that she left and a GF IM'd me the very next day after posting the ruse.

SHE is the one that broke up and disappeared... .so why is she stalking me?

[JRT]

she disappeared on me in September and blocked contact... .I had not so much as spoken with her, texted or emailed. Even though I was blocked on social media, I suspected that she was checking in on me. I developed a ruse related to some property her hers that she left and a GF IM'd me the very next day after posting the ruse.

SHE is the one that broke up and disappeared... .so why is she stalking me?

[Mutt]

Hi JRT,

I'm sorry it's confusing. I can relate. My wife left in a torrent with another person and was peeking at my FB profile. It's difficult for a pwBPD to verbalize their feelings rather than act them out.

I'm sorry if I don't know your back-story. Were you split bad? I notice I'm not split bad anymore and split good and she's been trying to re-establish an emotional reconnection. Not all and some will try to reconnect.

[JRT]

How long was it that you were split?

My exBPD did a disappearing act almost 4 months ago... .she blocked me from contact even with email but sent an angry text 'our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me' the day of... .I have still not spoken with her. I tried to call her on xmas eve and she is still angry to the extent that she called the cops on me!

She blocked me on all social media, unfriended all of my friends and compelled most of hers to do the same successfully (it musta have taken some work: there were 35 or so and I can only imagine what she concocted to paint me black enough to have them do that). I concocted a ruse to see if she was stalking me on FB a couple of weeks ago and caught her - of this I am 100% certain.

So I am not sure what all this means... .my guess is that she still has feelings but she cannot overcome her fee;lings of guilt to the extent that they dysregulate her emotions and the by product is extreme anger and isolation from me. Let me know if you have any other ideas, I am drawing a blank.

I have otherwise turned a corner on healing and am just about there. Though, my curiosity is bothered by certain loose ends like this one. It also begs the question: what is going to happen next... .if anything.

What are you going to do now that you have been painted white? How did it all come about?

[Mutt]

Two years.

I'm split good. I have kids and I parallel parented. I've learned a lot the last couple of years. At the top of the list communicating and coping with her behaviors. She's going to be in my life for a long time. I'm starting at ground zero and opened the door to co-parenting.

It's hard what you are going through. A distortion campaign, split bad and she left in a bad torrent. Not fun! She's triggered and she also mourns.

[JRT]

Mutt... .some clarification of terminology

co parenting... .meaning that you are not together but have joint custody? Parallel parenting?

What do mean that she is triggered and she mourns?

[Ripped Heart]

JRT, not sure if you saw my previous post today but I can relate to your situation.

Almost 3 years out of my marriage to exN/BPDw, almost 3 years NC and I was split blacker than black. Even my T feared for my life after her final rage at him. Despite that, he asked me what I was going to do WHEN she got back in touch and I laughed. Given how it all ended, it was never going to be possible. The emails started within a couple of weeks and continued for the best part of 2 years and then finally stopped.

As part of NC, I locked up all social media so tight there was no way she was going to make contact. As fast as I was blocking her she was finding new ways in elsewhere but eventually everything levelled out and it stayed at just her sending emails which went into a special folder for burning.

It the start of December, I noticed someone had been checking out my FB profile (or at least trying to) and she didn't hide it, she set up a new account with her own name and her daughters birthday so that I would know it was her. As soon as I realised, I blocked that too.

Last night, my sister was bombarded with messages and skype calls and my exN/BPDw has now resurfaced. None of my family will respond to her least of all my sister, so she is out of luck there but I've asked my sister to forward on the messages. I say I'm NC but I have read all the emails she would send to me. Part of it was for my own control, not that I would ever respond or ever felt tempted to, it was to remind me just how disordered she truly is. The other part is from the words my T said to me when he said he feared for my life and that the only thing in her mind was to destroy me. I need to see those messages to know what kind of mindset she is in so that I can pre-empt any attempts that could catch me off guard because she is someone who will stop at nothing.

Saying that though, most of the above applies to her NPD rather than BPD but the 2 combined has been a very difficult slope to navigate. That's my ex's reason for stalking my FB page, to try and gather info and find a weakness to exploit. I know for a fact that my BPDgf, although has similar traits and can be quite self destructive, also stalks my FB page right now too but her reasons for doing it is based on need and validation rather than looking for a way to create damage and disruption.

[Mutt]

To answer your question JRT.

Parallel parenting is a great tool with high conflict separation and parenting after the break-up.

We have shared custody. Parallel parenting is that we don't make daily decisions about the kids needs there's no meeting in the middle and it eliminates opportunities to perpetuate conflict with either parent. She runs her house and parents the kids her way and same as I with little to no communication. Kind of like, parenting "no contact".

One parent is responsible for let's say medical while the other is responsible for school.

Co-parenting is working together with parenting, daily things after the split.

Your ex is mourning as well. Was there a lot of conflict ( triggers)?

[JRT]

Thanks for the 411, I appreciate it. I can only imagine the immense challenge associated with being an involved parent when there is a BPD involved in the mix. I hope that you are doing well.

There we absolutely NO conflicts with us. We almost never argued or so much as disagreed about anything. There were some things that I avoided since they really were 'not productive' in terms of comments and such, but the only time there was any real conflict is when I was split and then recycled. The conversation on the way back in was heated (by her). I never allowed myself to get sucked in and be angry. I eventually calmed her down by remaining ration and even toned. I did't fight back essentially. It was always some non-issue really, a reason to fight (or flight if you prefer). We would actually really strain to recall what it was about only days later!

But on a day to day basis; while I always knew that she was withholding (and that it was a threat to tranquility), there was nothing that came close to the outward antagonism that seems to define most BPD relationships.

I can tell you that as it relates to the b/u:

-after 18 years of living by herself, she moved in to my house (stress)

-after 18 years of living with her, her nos moved away (trigger)

-I went out of town on business leaving her absolutely alone for the first time as an adult (trigger)

Any of this make sense?

[Mutt]

Acute loneliness is a part of BPD.

Fear of abandonment real or perceived. Was there a third person?

[JRT]

I have struggled back and forth with that... .inconclusive... .she would have a REAL hard time explaining that to her family and friends... .it would be a HUGE faux pas for them... .she also had very little opportunity via her job and she was not working, she was with me. There were no unaccounted periods of time nor any other tell tale signs. She had only a total of 4 relationships in her life. While most of the BPD stories I have read here talk about another man (sometimes before she has even left), her MO is ordinarily to attend to herself and not date. I know that she is seeing a therapist. If they are a good therapist, they have probably strongly urged her to not seek a r/s if she was not in one. No FB pictures with a replacement either, just the one with her and her GF's (that I can see).

But then again, there was some suspicious behavior on in the last few days that I really can't explain. I am hedging that it was only an aberration. When she recycled me in the past, I asked her this very thing -was there somebody else. Although I have now come to know her world class ability to lie, when she told me that there was no one else, I believed her.


On one of the first recycles, I put my profile up on a dating site. When we got back together, she told me how enraged she was that I did that. It had been 2 weeks and it looked very much like we were finished. I wanted to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. I reasoned that she had broken up with me afterall, I was now single to date. She didn't really see it that way but never went into too much detail but it made me think that the b/e was just some sort of machination or feigning of some sort. After around 30 days this time around, I have done the same thing and I knew that she has found me there as well. I wonder in light of her previous reaction, how this complicates things.




What are your thoughts? She is not the typical BPD case that I have read here... .

[Mutt]

She's highly sensitive to rejection that's likely why your dating profile triggered her.

I was with my ex for several years. She hid her affair fairly well. Although, you just know and I was more in denial thinking she would never do something like this. She would dissociate and come up with a multitude of stories to cover up. I sort of bought into it and I didn't. My intuition knew something was going on. Hiding her cell phone whereas she would leave it in plain sight for years.

Did you start setting boundaries? Perhaps she started acting out this way and thought you were controlling? A cause for BPD is trauma from around the age of 2 or 3 and sometimes it's from a hyper-critical parent and subconsciously this is played back in their mind, we're a stand -in for the "punitive parent" that lives in their psyche and she'll distort you with the worst possible things.

So far, it's speculation as to what the trigger is I'm sorry. I think what is important, she may be peeking because she wants the emotional connection. It's frustrating and confusing with the behaviors. I can say my ex was trying rapprochements in curious ways. I understand her well enough to know that she feels bad in torrent she left in and she has feelings of shame, guilt and  It's her way of communicating or lack thereof. She did say a simple sorry.

Your ex may miss you and is checking. Take it for what it is, she peeked, she may be mourning or missing you despite of how bad the torrent she left in and it may make you feel alot if anger for the way she was acting out.

[JRT]

Well there was a raging alcoholic/punitive parent... .screamed at the children while in drunken rages that the source of their familial problems were the children, etc (when the real problem was the father and the co dependent mom). There was also some abuse between siblings and it didn't help that dads failures meant that they would have to move, again. They were never in the same school for more that a year or two. I am sure that this didn't help. Plus, she was very socially awkward and got teased... .she definitely got a long emotional beating.

I have played the cheating scenario out in my head many times. While I think that anything is possible, I just don't see evidence of it during the relationship or after even. That's not to say that it was not there, but i have more evidence that she was not versus that she was. It would rip me open to know that she did though.

I didn't have any boundaries that needed to be set at all. I wanted her to be MORE involved with me. I am VERY transparent and when she moved in, I told her that everything in the house was hers (since we were to be married). She could open up drawers and look inside... .open up my wallet when she wanted or use my cell, I didn't care because I had nothing to hide. AND I wanted her to be comfortable.

Along the way, she complained about crazy things like I would not allow her to make decorating decisions at the house (which was TOTALLY wrong and she finally backed down) or she demanded a space in the house where she could park two side by side computer monitors and have it devoted to paying bills, ONCE A MONTH! And so on... .Its almost as if she was starting the 'classic' BPD arguments but then stopped.

[Mutt]

You touch on her FOO ( family of origin ) an invalidating environment growing up. Other contributing factors with the disorder; trauma, sexual abuse, genetics, brain structure, the first specific limbic structures that may reflect perception and intensity of negative emotions. Secondly frontal brain regions which may affect regulation of emotions.

A pwBPD need a lot of validation and I myself, am guilty of being an invalidating H, although I didn't think my wife was mentally ill with BPD, she also doesn't have a dx and is untreated. Nonetheless, not a good reason to be an invalidating man.

It sounds like perhaps your ex experienced a dissociative phase and dysphoria? Was she displaying emotional dysregulations for a long period of time?

What is important is how do you feel about her checking your social media? You're undecided, do you feel like you may have rapprochement some time? Or, maybe your not sure.

[JRT]

It sounds like perhaps your ex experienced a dissociative phase and dysphoria? Was she displaying emotional dysregulations for a long period of time? What is important is how do you feel about her checking your social media? You're undecided, what's the big picture if you step back and look?

You give me too much credit for some terminology Mutt. I THINK that I know what dissocaition is and well as dysphoria. She was a real flatliner, not really much in the way of ups and downs so there was neither euphoria nor dysphoria. Mean while I feel that she was an expert at keeping any cognitive dirty laundry to herself; it was CLEAR when she disconnected to 'process'... .I was never privy to what she processed. Tell me a bit more about what you refer to as emotional dysregulations.

I don't mind her looking at me on social media at all. I wouldn't mind seeing her or talking to her either. At very worst, I can close the chapter on this part of my life with closure. At best, I can offer my friendship or help her thorugh this (yes, I AM a 'rescuer'. But this behavior certainly contradicts her over reaction to me attempting to contact her or the walls that she has built to prevent contact in the first place!

[Mutt]

she was an expert at keeping any cognitive dirty laundry to herself;

Maybe she acts in, instead of the acting out type of pwBPD.

Dissociation has many forms, altering reality to match your out of place feelings. For example, my ex changes reality by telling a different story ( lying ) differently than what happened. If I say something that may trigger negative emotions, shame and guilt she changes reality.

Dysphoria is out of mind. Emotional dysregulation are skills not learned for emotional control, the ability to regulate emotions and self-sooth, emotions change wildly, tantrums like a toddler.

I understand. A goal can be friends. You say you're the rescuer type, we share something in common. It took a lot of work to get to where I am today. If I tried to be friends with my ex 2 years ago maybe a year ago. I may of been enmeshed in her stuff. Can you be friends and not worry about her stuff or rescue her?

Emotionally dysregulated, can anyone give me an example?

[JRT]

She is DEFINITELY the acting in type, or waif as I understand. However, many of those have tendencies to hurt themselves, abuse drugs or alcohol and such. The only bad habit that is associated with being a waif that I had observed was some poor driving and a fixation with food and a little bit of over eating. But these were not pronounced behaviors.

Although it was occasional, she did have a tendency to stretch the truth. She was a financial controller of a small company with oversight into IT but used to tell people (who didn't even matter - someone we met on the street. It would have been just as easy to tell the truth), in front of me no less, that she WAS an IT worker. Little things like that. Going further though it was not epidemic, she would make or alter plans, for example, and insist that we fully discussed them and had agreed. I NEVER happened. Although they were minor and I barely paid notice to them, I thought that they might be an indication of a bigger issue. Would this be dissociation?

Dysphoria is out of mind. Emotional dysregulation are skills not learned for emotional control, the ability to regulate emotions and self-sooth, emotions change wildly, tantrums like a toddler.

This just never happened or maybe she regulated herself to a flat line - never over excited and never appearing depressed; a uni-mood if you will. Though, imagining how she is behaving during and post breakup as it relates to me; yeah, totally. Her reaction to me contacting her and other 'incidents' makes me feel like I am dealing with a toddler. Is my contact evoking that sort of a response? Does this ever end for her? Will time and NC work to de-fang her as it relates to me?

I wish I knew if I could be friends with her or what the nature of our relationship would be if we were to connect. As you know, life is not a vacuum and I simply don't know how she would be toward me. I know that I am very thick skinned and I ALWAYS see possibility and hope (a HUGE asset to me and at the same time a liability). I am not the type of man that is comfortable thinking 'what if' 10, 20 or 30 years down the line. But I have few, if any. cards to play right now. Any inertia is resolved only by her contact and right now, it does not look forthcoming hence the original post.