Hello everyone. Like everyone in here, I am following my heart, but I now require a little perspective. I have been in a relationship of sorts for 2 years with my BPDgf and have been triangulated with guys previously. So I'm a little set up AND a little triggered by very recent events.
A short back story:
My BPDgf has a job where she works with men of asian descent in a restaurant. Her boss is manipulative (proven) and it's a long story but she has a grant where her pay doesn't even come out of his pocket. She is basically a free employee who gets to do all the dirty work. Then there is his family involved. His Mother is particulary abusive and has caused my BPDgf a fair amount of pain and distress to the point she came home one evening and broke down when I walked into my room and asked what was wrong. This is not typical behaviour from her. I was alarmed, genuinely concerned, and talked her through it. I had talked her through many minor incidences previously that she had found upsetting. I told her we would make an appointment to see her employment support person and get these troubles reigned in especially the clear abuse. In this process I was triangulated with her employment support person and wore some serious abuse. I found this out the hard way. I was devastated for a time. I insist on making another appointment with my BPDgf and her employment support person because nobody had any confirmation that her employer was spoken to in regard to the psychological abuse that was occuring... .AND TO GET SOME OF MY DIGNITY BACK. :'(
We learn that nothing had occurred in part because I was removed from the initial appointment FOR NO REASON when I was there to articulate the problems and insist something was done. The concerns were justified because by the next week her employment support person had done nothing. My BPDgf was due to attend work that afternnoon in just hours. She broke down. We were there because after having heard nothing and my BPDgf was ready to leave her job that took her many months to land with the assistance of her employment support person, I might add. My BPDgf broke down and was crying. A reprieve was organised in that she would have the night off and a promise was made the employer would be contacted and made aware that something needed to change.
Just one of the particulary distressing complaints made by my BPDgf and myself is that they were openly mocking my BPDgf in Mandarin right in front of her. They would all laugh. My BPDgf could only ascertain it was in relation to her and the jobs she was doing and being made to do. There was no asking. They were working?. It seemed racist as well as abusive. She was the butt of their jokes or given jobs that nobody had done before that caused her physical and emotional pain. The kitchen is behind the counter. Open to the public. It was the Mother that was directing this abuse. But everyone was in on it. There were prior incidences of denigration or disrespect by the employee's that seemed related to what they could get away with or was related to the pecking order in that workplace. I might note that everyone except my BPDgf has a relationship to each other. Everyone seems to be related or with a connection to family.
Opportunistically at this follow up appointment in an attempt to resolve this after it was all neglected after the first appointment, the employment support person had her supervisor sitting in on all her interviews on this day. I had it out with the employment support person and voiced my concerns to her supervisor. Her supervisior was aghast at what had been occurred to my BPDgf at the employment place that they had referred her to and at the level of mistreatment I had recieved from their organisation. Fast forward a little. The employment support person lost her job. And deservedly so. I thought she didnt deserve to be in her position but never thought this would occur after the control over me she exibited when I was removed on the previous appointment. THERE IS NO FEELING QUITE LIKE VALIDATION, IS THERE FOLKS?.
There is more, that's the short story.
Fast forward to yesterday:
She is leaving work and it is not unusual for her to bring home telephone orders that havent been picked up, that are only going in the rubbish, that no one else wants, as they all have their meals prepared and eat them while at work.
But the night before last, the Head Chef gives her cake to take home. She brings it into my room. I have a sweet tooth. I asked is it Vegan?. It isnt. (Yeah. Im Vegan
). She tries it. She tells me it tastes "funny". It's not really a cake. More of a mushy liquidy thing with cinnamon. I asked her why she even has it?. "He gave it to me". Do these people not understand "No, thanks?." She has always had to pay for any food she brings home or even a can of drink while she is working. I wonder. I ask her to ask him why he gave it to her. I didnt think she would. SHE DID.
Now I know there is nothing "wrong" at all with recieving gifts of kindness or when someone is being charitable.
She tells me about the conversation last night she had with him last night. She told me it tasted funny and I suspect it was thrown out. She told him it was "very sweet" and led him to believe she ate it. The dessert. He may misinterpret that as the action. He made a point of telling her he made it himself. No one else was offered any. Another employee was eating it after his shift as I'm guessing it probably was coming close to spoiling at this point. That makes sense.
When she asked my question "Why did you give me cake?", his answer was "Because I did". In my view, that is not an answer, that is deceit or manipulation. He had no genuine reason... .if his motives were genuine. Nothing about it needing to be eaten, or it was a new recipe he needed feedback on, or any other real reason. The real reason appears hidden... .but I have my suspicions as the history of mistreatment and the "covering" of his true motive.
I lost it with her last night. I said something completely inappropriate (but who knows if true as there are disturbed individuals around and these guys have signs) and made her very aware that I am not happy. We still slept in my bed, but apart, and without further discussion. I felt we were only going to go south.
This morning she slept in until 12pm. I was down until 10:30am. This is unusual for me. I made breakfast and set about cleaning my kitchen. I came back and laid on the bed. She wanted to be intimate but I told her if she wants to accept gifts from other men (I didn't say to that were preiously abusive toward you) then I was never going to be happy about it while she is in a "relationship" with me.
There are dark undertones and (of course) more to this story. I am having real trouble, but trouble to this relationship is not new, we make progress only to slide back even further. I have not ruled out it is innocent, but knowing what I do know, there is no real evidence of that. That is why I asked her to ask him. She seemed to have no idea of what she was doing. I was looking for evidence of a genuine action. I have not ruled out that he may not be a monster and this is a just a sign of remorse or to make amends. But there isnt even a suggestion of that. I am not aware that she is being treated differently... .but after my last appointment with the employment support persons supervisor, MOMSTER has certainly been reigned in.
She tells me one thing and him another. I could count that as she was just being polite. But my heart. It is yelling at my head. I like to live a life of truthfulness.
Perspectives please.
