She no longer believes she has BPD

[paperlung]

Sorry for all the threads recently.

Okay, so a month or two before my ex and I broke up for good and I went NC, I told her that I had been doing a lot of reading/research and thought she might have BPD. She got offended, of course, and told me who am I to say what she is. Fair enough, although she fit almost all of the criteria.

Shortly after we broke up, she calls my house and talks to my mom on the phone to tell her that a doctor diagnosed her as BPD and just wanted to let me know I was right all along.

I felt validated/relieved. I could finally understand why she acted the way she did when we were together.

About the three months later, she writes me an apology email and states in it how she talked to my mom and told her she was BPD and just wanted to let me know herself.

After that, I don't know how many months later, I guess she started to ignore the diagnosis and believe she was fine, and that what happened between us was just her being under a lot of stress/depression/loneliness/ect. at the time. She said since it was a doctor and not a psychiatrist who did the diagnosis, it wasn't legit.

Her sister apparently got diagnosed with BPD not long ago, and my ex's mom probably has it too. Mental illness seems to run in their family.

She says people with BPD live way more chaotic lives than she does (her's is pretty freaking chaotic if you've read some of my threads) and that she doesn't experience abandonment issues anymore, so she's not BPD. She refers to her time spent with me and some after that her "lost years". But she's all better now apparently! No treatment required for her depression/anxiety/anorexia/cutting (she doesn't do it much anymore)/hate for her parents for neglecting her growing up.

I know that if she were to go get diagnosed from a physiatrist now, she would say all the right things to avoid being labeled as BPD. She's read up on it. She accepted it as part of her at one point, but not anymore. What gives?

[thatwasthat]

As often on these boards... .very similar here.

When the first problems arised she brought up BPD on her own, but in very subtle ways, and always saying that this is NOT what she has (I don't know if she was ever diagnosed with it or if she had read about it. But I am certain to some point she "knew the truth." She had been to many therapists in her past, she always had told me it was for depression. She talked very badly of some of them, maybe those that diagnosed her with BPD. But that is just a guess.)

Basically the moment she had pushed the relationship to the point of being beyond repair, as soon as there was no way back for several reasons, she started to "feel bad." That was the moment she started to open up a bit about her past, we talked "better" than ever before. She admitted a lot of mistakes she had done along the way and apologized (although in weird ways.)

At this point we started to make plans of her finding help, she also printed out articles for me. BUT. It was always about CPTSD. Since the articles she printed out described things very similar to BPD I just went with it. We basically talked about BPD using CPTSD as a code word.

After the ultimate "deathblow," her cheating on me with a guy she barely knew and moving in with him (lied about everything) everything went back to "I am fine you are the psycho." All the vulnerability and openness had vanished basically overnight.


Denial. It is "easier" to hide it and lie to yourself than facing it.

She also told me this during one of our open talks. She said "I want THIS torture to stop. It is killing me. But there is no way I could face all this head on. I can't."

[SlyQQ]

Would they be regarded as recovered ?

[paperlung]

Would they be regarded as recovered ?

How?  She never got treatment.

[paperlung]

As often on these boards... .very similar here.

When the first problems arised she brought up BPD on her own, but in very subtle ways, and always saying that this is NOT what she has (I don't know if she was ever diagnosed with it or if she had read about it. But I am certain to some point she "knew the truth." She had been to many therapists in her past, she always had told me it was for depression. She talked very badly of some of them, maybe those that diagnosed her with BPD. But that is just a guess.)

Basically the moment she had pushed the relationship to the point of being beyond repair, as soon as there was no way back for several reasons, she started to "feel bad." That was the moment she started to open up a bit about her past, we talked "better" than ever before. She admitted a lot of mistakes she had done along the way and apologized (although in weird ways.)

At this point we started to make plans of her finding help, she also printed out articles for me. BUT. It was always about CPTSD. Since the articles she printed out described things very similar to BPD I just went with it. We basically talked about BPD using CPTSD as a code word.

After the ultimate "deathblow," her cheating on me with a guy she barely knew and moving in with him (lied about everything) everything went back to "I am fine you are the psycho." All the vulnerability and openness had vanished basically overnight.


Denial. It is "easier" to hide it and lie to yourself than facing it.

She also told me this during one of our open talks. She said "I want THIS torture to stop. It is killing me. But there is no way I could face all this head on. I can't."

Ain't that the truth. When things aren't going great is when she would be most self-aware of her problems. However, when she finds a new replacement to latch onto she's suddenly OK again. Well, at least until the honeymoon ends.

[SlyQQ]

Technically you dont need treatment to recover nor do i think for one second she is I was just wondering how often people say they are recovered or in remission an are able to convince people they are? It has lots of implacations

[slimmiller]

Would they be regarded as recovered ?

How?  She never got treatment.

They always need a 'project'


That could be them being busy love bombing someone. And when they are miserable and alone and have no 'project' going on they will resort to whatever it takes to create one. Wether thats creating Hell for us, chaos for everyone or vain empty goals and promises as a last resort they will admit they have a problem and make THAT their project

But if they find someone to attach their inner emptiness to and once again fill the hollow inside, they are 'cured'. Thats their way of discarding the project and move to the next one. Like their relationships, no closure

Rinse and repeat

[iluminati]

Dumb question time: was she ever formally diagnosed by a mental health professional?  If the answer is yes, that's all you need to know.  What she feels is irrelevant one way or another.

[Trog]

My ex has been sectioned 5 times, gets on meds, says she has a problem, stops taking them, gets I'll, denies any problem, goes back into hospital. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In the middle she brings financial and emotional ruin to those who get close. Most people wise enough not to. Bpd don't blame themselves for a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g, even tiny things my ex wouldn't accept blame. She had a saying 'I don't believe in blame'... .But what she meant was to finishing that sentence was with 'blaming me'. Cos we are certainly to blame for all! I was blamed for things that happened before we met (not joking!).

I've said this often, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis, focus on the behaviour, if it's painful, disrespectful and causes suffering, that's not love and you need to get a new idea on what love is. Me too!

[paperlung]

They always need a 'project'


That could be them being busy love bombing someone. And when they are miserable and alone and have no 'project' going on they will resort to whatever it takes to create one. Wether thats creating Hell for us, chaos for everyone or vain empty goals and promises as a last resort they will admit they have a problem and make THAT their project

But if they find someone to attach their inner emptiness to and once again fill the hollow inside, they are 'cured'. Thats their way of discarding the project and move to the next one. Like their relationships, no closure

Rinse and repeat

slimmiller, thank you. This is exactly how I've been rationalizing it. Everything you said is how I see my ex.

Dumb question time: was she ever formally diagnosed by a mental health professional?  If the answer is yes, that's all you need to know.  What she feels is irrelevant one way or another.

A mental health professional... .Well, she said back in March 2013 that a doctor diagnosed her as BPD. Does a doctor count as a mental health professional? Because a year later she now dismisses the diagnosis because it wasn't a psychiatrist.

My ex has been sectioned 5 times, gets on meds, says she has a problem, stops taking them, gets I'll, denies any problem, goes back into hospital. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Same with mine, Trog. I can relate to it all. And even after our relationship, she still carried on this behavior with her next "long-term" relationship which lasted a year. Trying meds, stopping them, hospital visits, depression, anxiety, anorexia, ect. Yet she says she's fine now. Like slimmiller said, it's just because she has just found a new project (relationship).

In the middle she brings financial and emotional ruin to those who get close. Most people wise enough not to. Bpd don't blame themselves for a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g, even tiny things my ex wouldn't accept blame. She had a saying 'I don't believe in blame'... .But what she meant was to finishing that sentence was with 'blaming me'. Cos we are certainly to blame for all! I was blamed for things that happened before we met (not joking!).

I've said this often, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis, focus on the behaviour, if it's painful, disrespectful and causes suffering, that's not love and you need to get a new idea on what love is. Me too!

I was talking to someone in person about this. In the end, the label of BPD doesn't really matter. What it comes down to their behavior/actions/morals, which are all bad in my opinion.

[Tim300]

I know that if she were to go get diagnosed from a physiatrist now, she would say all the right things to avoid being labeled as BPD. She's read up on it. She accepted it as part of her at one point, but not anymore. What gives?

Who knows.  PwBPD flip and flop back and forth on everything they believe, so why not this.  If her condition is mellow now, it's probably just because she doesn't have any triggers going on.  I don't believe for a second that she is improved at all.   

[paperlung]

I know that if she were to go get diagnosed from a physiatrist now, she would say all the right things to avoid being labeled as BPD. She's read up on it. She accepted it as part of her at one point, but not anymore. What gives?

Who knows.  PwBPD flip and flop back and forth on everything they believe, so why not this.  If her condition is mellow now, it's probably just because she doesn't have any triggers going on.  I don't believe for a second that she is improved at all.   

You're certainly right about the triggers. She just moved back here (where she used to live) and is living with her dad at the moment, trying to figure out what she is going to do with herself. I don't believe she has improved either, and I saw some behavioral signs when I went to visit her that set off alarm bells in my head. The only thing that I can tell is different about her, in a good way, is that her anxiety/agoraphobia is not as bad as it was when we dated. Seriously. It was so difficult to get her go out with me sometimes. She would even get panic attacks when we'd go over a bridge.

[myself]

She's your ex. Plus, it's her life to believe or not believe whatever she wants. It sucks if it does her more harm than good, but she's choosing to go that way, especially since she knows there are other options. Spending time trying to figure her out, when she herself is running from it, distracts you from looking more closely at your own stuff. Yes, you still care about her, but no you can't really help her through this. She's resisting and denying it too much. But you can continue to help yourself by letting go/detaching.