When does a pwBPD realize it and seek help?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm curious as to when an uBPD finally come to realize that they need to seek help? It seems that when my SIL has an episode of anger and rage, then the guilt soon after, she says she needs to get help, that she doesn't want to be like that or feel like that. So it seems she realizes, but once that guilt has passed, she thinks she's perfectly fine and she doesn't need to seek any help. I'm sort of afraid of what has to happen before she commits to getting help. She's already done some over the top things, like crack her ex(baby's father) over the head with a bottle which caused him to bleed profusely and run scared, she's lucky the cops weren't called. But along with that she's physically attacked my husband and their brother, tried to attack me, and kicks the dog at least twice a day. I know that you can't make someone get help, they have to want it. What I don't get is why wouldn't someone want to be happy? I get that change is scary, and I think that's a major factor, but it would be a good change, she could actually be happy for once in her life! She's said many times she wants help, but never follows thru. Is there any way at all to help them in this situation?

[Smallville]

I'm curious as to when an uBPD finally come to realize that they need to seek help? It seems that when my SIL has an episode of anger and rage, then the guilt soon after, she says she needs to get help, that she doesn't want to be like that or feel like that. So it seems she realizes, but once that guilt has passed, she thinks she's perfectly fine and she doesn't need to seek any help. I'm sort of afraid of what has to happen before she commits to getting help. She's already done some over the top things, like crack her ex(baby's father) over the head with a bottle which caused him to bleed profusely and run scared, she's lucky the cops weren't called. But along with that she's physically attacked my husband and their brother, tried to attack me, and kicks the dog at least twice a day. I know that you can't make someone get help, they have to want it. What I don't get is why wouldn't someone want to be happy? I get that change is scary, and I think that's a major factor, but it would be a good change, she could actually be happy for once in her life! She's said many times she wants help, but never follows thru. Is there any way at all to help them in this situation?

[Turkish]

I don't know what's worse, having a pwBPD in your life who absolutely refuses to see anything wrong with them, or one like your SIL, who is aware that "something" is wrong with her, yet cycles between acceptance, denial, and the BPD behaviors. My Ex is like this, and when I urged her to get help, she accused me of "throwing her sickness in her face." I never used the word "sick" to her, that's what she called herself.

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame. We may see it as guilt ("I did something horrible", but I think it is shame ("I'm a bad person". One is behavioral, and the other is existential. The distorted thought process in how they view the world also applies to how they view themselves.

What can we do? It's not so easy:

Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

As sad as it is, sometimes all we can do is validate their feelings as necessary while erecting strong boundaries to protect ourselves.

Turkish

[Harri]

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame. We may see it as guilt ("I did something horrible", but I think it is shame ("I'm a bad person". One is behavioral, and the other is existential.

I like the way you said that Turkish!  So very true and I like the neat and concise wording!

Aelaine, you asked for suggestions on how to help and I think the best way to help them is to stop helping them.  I am not sure if this applies to you or others in the family so take it for what it is worth.  A lot of time we (the family members) will protect them from the consequences of their behavior and by doing that they never have to deal with the consequences beyond the incident and subsequent guilt.  Some seem to block out the memories.  for some the fear of change and the shame, no matter how miserable and unhappy they may be, are comfortable to them.  Change, fear of the unknown, fear of what hurt/damage/shame may underlie the behaviors all are huge obstacles.  So the consequences of the behaviors have to be seen and felt for them to choose what is a very difficult and long road.  I think many people with BPD are aware of this on some level.  It really is frightening to go poking around in the basement of our minds.

As sad as it is, sometimes all we can do is validate their feelings as necessary while erecting strong boundaries to protect ourselves.

Yes.

[Panda39]

Aelaine, you asked for suggestions on how to help and I think the best way to help them is to stop helping them.  I am not sure if this applies to you or others in the family so take it for what it is worth.  A lot of time we (the family members) will protect them from the consequences of their behavior and by doing that they never have to deal with the consequences beyond the incident and subsequent guilt.  Some seem to block out the memories.  for some the fear of change and the shame, no matter how miserable and unhappy they may be, are comfortable to them.  Change, fear of the unknown, fear of what hurt/damage/shame may underlie the behaviors all are huge obstacles.  So the consequences of the behaviors have to be seen and felt for them to choose what is a very difficult and long road.  I think many people with BPD are aware of this on some level.  It really is frightening to go poking around in the basement of our minds.

I agree, below is something I wrote in another thread... .

One thing I've seen both with my alcoholic ex-husband and with my SO's ex-wife is once the co-dependent relationship is over and we are no longer there to "manage" their dysfunction they spiral down to their natural conclusion.

My ex had his 3rd DUI and lost his job following our divorce and finally hit his rock bottom.  (He got help, stopped drinking and has been sober for the last 3 years)

My SO's uBPDxw was evicted 3 times and now lives in a hotel because no one will rent to her, she has two felony charges against her for a large bad check, she has a civil suit against her with someone else, she has alienated her daughters and her family, and has lost 2 of the 3 friends that she had... .

I hope for my SO's daughter's sake that their mom hits her rock bottom and is able to recognize that she needs to act, in order to help herself... .unfortunately I just expect the unaccountable victim to appear again... .however right now she has a lot of chickens ready to come home to roost so we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

We can only truly change ourselves and as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

[Smallville]

I don't know what's worse, having a pwBPD in your life who absolutely refuses to see anything wrong with them, or one like your SIL, who is aware that "something" is wrong with her, yet cycles between acceptance, denial, and the BPD behaviors. My Ex is like this, and when I urged her to get help, she accused me of "throwing her sickness in her face." I never used the word "sick" to her, that's what she called herself.

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame. We may see it as guilt ("I did something horrible", but I think it is shame ("I'm a bad person". One is behavioral, and the other is existential. The distorted thought process in how they view the world also applies to how they view themselves.

What can we do? It's not so easy:

Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

As sad as it is, sometimes all we can do is validate their feelings as necessary while erecting strong boundaries to protect ourselves.

Turkish

Thanks for the article! I'll definitely check that out! And I would not dare to urge my SILt get help, it's been mentioned, but it seems that whenever I try to help her, I'm trying to tell her what to do, and then she complains about me to my husband or MIL. So I have completely stopped trying to help her in any way. Not to mention she's so ungrateful it makes me sick!

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame. We may see it as guilt ("I did something horrible", but I think it is shame ("I'm a bad person". One is behavioral, and the other is existential.

I like the way you said that Turkish!  So very true and I like the neat and concise wording!

Aelaine, you asked for suggestions on how to help and I think the best way to help them is to stop helping them.  I am not sure if this applies to you or others in the family so take it for what it is worth.  A lot of time we (the family members) will protect them from the consequences of their behavior and by doing that they never have to deal with the consequences beyond the incident and subsequent guilt.  Some seem to block out the memories.  for some the fear of change and the shame, no matter how miserable and unhappy they may be, are comfortable to them.  Change, fear of the unknown, fear of what hurt/damage/shame may underlie the behaviors all are huge obstacles.  So the consequences of the behaviors have to be seen and felt for them to choose what is a very difficult and long road.  I think many people with BPD are aware of this on some level.  It really is frightening to go poking around in the basement of our minds.

As sad as it is, sometimes all we can do is validate their feelings as necessary while erecting strong boundaries to protect ourselves.

Yes.

For most matters, I have stopped helping her! I used to try to do things to make her life a little easier, but I can no longer do that. I'm totally for letting find out what those consequences are! Sometimes I wish they were a little worse than they actually are. I don't think she really even cares about the people she hurts, she says sorry, but there's no sincerity in it, and then it's like nothing ever happened. I do feel like that she is afraid of getting help because once she finally does, not only is it a huge change, but then she'll have to face reality, she'll have to really face the things she has done. I think that when her mind is clear, and she thinks upon some of her actions, that she might actually feel something. Where as now she feels nothing. She's selfish and disrespectful and ungrateful. The worst qualities someone can have.

Aelaine, you asked for suggestions on how to help and I think the best way to help them is to stop helping them.  I am not sure if this applies to you or others in the family so take it for what it is worth.  A lot of time we (the family members) will protect them from the consequences of their behavior and by doing that they never have to deal with the consequences beyond the incident and subsequent guilt.  Some seem to block out the memories.  for some the fear of change and the shame, no matter how miserable and unhappy they may be, are comfortable to them.  Change, fear of the unknown, fear of what hurt/damage/shame may underlie the behaviors all are huge obstacles.  So the consequences of the behaviors have to be seen and felt for them to choose what is a very difficult and long road.  I think many people with BPD are aware of this on some level.  It really is frightening to go poking around in the basement of our minds.

I agree, below is something I wrote in another thread... .

One thing I've seen both with my alcoholic ex-husband and with my SO's ex-wife is once the co-dependent relationship is over and we are no longer there to "manage" their dysfunction they spiral down to their natural conclusion.

My ex had his 3rd DUI and lost his job following our divorce and finally hit his rock bottom.  (He got help, stopped drinking and has been sober for the last 3 years)

My SO's uBPDxw was evicted 3 times and now lives in a hotel because no one will rent to her, she has two felony charges against her for a large bad check, she has a civil suit against her with someone else, she has alienated her daughters and her family, and has lost 2 of the 3 friends that she had... .

I hope for my SO's daughter's sake that their mom hits her rock bottom and is able to recognize that she needs to act, in order to help herself... .unfortunately I just expect the unaccountable victim to appear again... .however right now she has a lot of chickens ready to come home to roost so we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

We can only truly change ourselves and as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I agree that sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way to come back up. My husband unfortunately had issues with drugs which gave me no choice but to leave because I couldn't make him stop. He hit rock bottom not long after I left. Went from having everything off his own, to doing time in jail and coming out with nothing, except another chance at our marriage. Which is why we are stuck in this situation. But in my SIL's case, her hitting rock bottom would probably result in her losing my niece, and because her father and no one in the family has the means to take care of a baby, she'd be placed into foster care. And I really don't want that. I want my SIL to hit bottom in another way. But without damaging consequences. Which I don't know if that's possible.


Thank you all for your replies!