Wife with BPD, just looking for support

[Tailspin99]

My wife has BPD. This is from our councilor. She is triggered by just about everything, from email communication with my ex-wife regarding the logistics of children, to me showing attention to my children, the mention of my mother, or anytime I have to go on a trip (military). Really just about anything that she disagrees with or can not control sets her off. This was well hidden until we married. I was the greatest thing since sliced bread to her before we married, then I became responsible for all the pain, anger, disapointment in her life. She has become a very bitter angry person.i have spent last two years jumping through hoops to try and please and adjust for her. Which was probably not the right thing to do, as I lost a sense of who I am. I have gotten advice and help with my councilor on ways to communicate and to deal with her abandonment issues. However i just find myself running in empty dealing with the constant bombsrdment of sarcasm, rudeness, and attacks. I am trying to become more centered, and to not allow these things to spin me up and to upset me. I understand the things she says are not true, but when its all I hear its hard to keep it all on the outside. I am hoping this group can provide some support. Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Hi Tailspin99. That's a tough situation. I can empathise with it because it's very similar to my experience of this illness as well.

Is your wife aware of the trauma she puts you through?

Hang in there!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Tailspin, 

Welcome aboard! Coping with constant negative feelings/comments from a person with BPD is really hard.     It is really great that you have support from a counselor. As your counselor told you, communication techniques are very helpful, especially for abandonment issues.  Which ones have you tried?

I understand how it feels almost draining handling with a pwBPD's sarcasm, rudeness, and attacks.  Boundaries are a great way to address your needs and values.  Here is an article to help you get started. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

You mentioned becoming more centered. What types of things are you doing to achieve that?

[joshbjoshb]

Hello

I am sad that you have to be here, but happy that you found this place because it's one of the greatest support you can give yourself.

From my own story... .you need first and foremost to make yourself emotionally strong. Be a person who is not falling apart every time his BPD partner says something bad about them.

Maybe start with the book "no more Mr. nice guy" that did wonders to me.

[Tailspin99]

Thank you for the rapid and helpful responses! I will check out the books you mentioned, for sure!

She is aware of what she inflicts, but does not have ability back track, apologize, or take responsibility for how she feels. Again its always my fault for something I am doing or not doing.

My councilor has been pushing reflective listening, and while I am honestly not the best listener, whenI do reflective listen instead of argue, debate, or defend, it goes a little better, until we get to the point where she stands there and expects me to agree, or do something to fix the problem. Our councilor says her issue is lack of aknowledgment/abandonment from her parents. I an continuing to work on my listening.

I definitely need to work on boundaries, thanks for advice. Im searching for something that gives me peace when she gets triggered and goes on her tirades... .Any advice here?

[joshbjoshb]

Check out the "tools" section at the bottom of this page. Many helpful links there.

You sound like a nice human being so here sending you all blessing to be stronger and better and every aspect.

[EaglesJuju]

Im searching for something that gives me peace when she gets triggered and goes on her tirades... .Any advice here?

It is really tough to find peace in such chaos sometimes. This article has really helped me achieve that.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind