Validating herself to her family through my activities and accomplisments

[JRT]

I wonder if anyone had this situation: when we used to visit or spend time with her family members, she would spend almost all of her time speaking of my activities, travels and accomplishments in almost a salesman's like manner. It was as if she was trying to convince them that her life had merit... .that she was accomplishing meaningful things. I new enough about her to see that it was clear that she was attempting to have herself validated by these things she would tell them about. It really made me uncomfortable.

In the meantime, she would never say anything about her family members and their spouse unless it was highly critical to me.

Does this fit with BPD or is it just one of those things... .?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Similar JRT. She'd always tell me how she had told a family member I had suggested this or had done that, etc. I think it made her mother jealous of me to think that I was thought of more highly by her daughter than she was. I've been retired since I was 43 and have a good "resume" so to speak. I have accomplished a lot, however my greatest accomplishment has always been in helping and doing for others. 10 years ago my uBPDexgf (who went back into the closet (mostly to appease her Hispanic mother)) liked those things about me.

Clearly, she came to despise them. As for her immediate family, she was the first to graduate from college. She spoke glowingly of them til she was pissed at them. It depended on which way the wind was blowing how she felt about them.

[EaglesJuju]

I do not really think you will know for sure.

Although, my pwBPD talks about my accomplishments with his family as well. He especially likes to talk about my graduate school, community things I am involved in, volunteer work, and my job. Even mundane details, such as papers I wrote and things I cook, are used to almost "brag." This was the first Christmas apart, he made a point to bring all of the presents I sent him to his family, to open in front of them.  

Then again, I have heard of non disordered people "bragging" about their SO to their family.

[JRT]

Similar JRT. She'd always tell me how she had told a family member I had suggested this or had done that, etc. I think it made her mother jealous of me to think that I was thought of more highly by her daughter than she was. I've been retired since I was 43 and have a good "resume" so to speak. I have accomplished a lot, however my greatest accomplishment has always been in helping and doing for others. 10 years ago my uBPDexgf (who went back into the closet (mostly to appease her Hispanic mother)) liked those things about me.

Clearly, she came to despise them. As for her immediate family, she was the first to graduate from college. She spoke glowingly of them til she was pissed at them. It depended on which way the wind was blowing how she felt about them.

YEs... .very similar... .what do you mean about going back in the closet?

[JRT]

I do not really think you will know for sure.

Although, my pwBPD talks about my accomplishments with his family as well. He especially likes to talk about my graduate school, community things I am involved in, volunteer work, and my job. Even mundane details, such as papers I wrote and things I cook, are used to almost "brag." This was the first Christmas apart, he made a point to bring all of the presents I sent him to his family, to open in front of them.  

Then again, I have heard of non disordered people "bragging" about their SO to their family.

Sure, but she was not bragging about me. She was bragging about herself. As the brag, it was almost as if she were saying, 'He is a person that does this and that and has accomplished so on and so forth... .I AM capable of being with a man like that. I am good enough! Please agree with me'. It REALLY stuck out and I continued to notice right after I took her to the local symphony. She sat though it like it was something to be endured but tried to pretend that she enjoyed it. Didn't say a word about it afterwards as part of a discussion. But boy, to hear her the next day mention it to everyone in her ecospace it sounded as if it were the event of the century. She was pushing it to them as if it were a marki of distinction and sophistication. It was painful to watch... .

It certainly poits to her family as being the source of her fears and anxieties... .I just don't know how it technically fits into things.

[Ripped Heart]

I have to agree with eagles on this one as I've known many people do that too that are not pwBPD, even I've said things about my previous relationships because I've been proud of some of their accomplishments.

I can understand the feeling though because there was a huge difference between the times I would tell family members and especially my exN/BPDw, it felt like it was bordering on an obsession and felt a little too overwhelming at times as though too much information was being passed.

[JRT]

it was all that my ex talked about... .EVERY time!

[EaglesJuju]

Sure, but she was not bragging about me. She was bragging about herself. As the brag, it was almost as if she were saying, 'He is a person that does this and that and has accomplished so on and so forth... .I AM capable of being with a man like that. I am good enough! Please agree with me'. It REALLY stuck out and I continued to notice right after I took her to the local symphony. She sat though it like it was something to be endured but tried to pretend that she enjoyed it. Didn't say a word about it afterwards as part of a discussion. But boy, to hear her the next day mention it to everyone in her ecospace it sounded as if it were the event of the century. She was pushing it to them as if it were a marki of distinction and sophistication. It was painful to watch... .

It certainly poits to her family as being the source of her fears and anxieties... .I just don't know how it technically fits into things.

I get what you are saying. My bf says it like that too. I did not make that clear in my original response. I think it has to do with pwBPD need to have approval and validation from the parents/family, because of low self-esteem. My bf has horrible self-esteem and is very low functioning. Unfortunately due to the illness and other circumstances, he has not "accomplished" much. His FOO role is the "crazy, depressed, pathetic" one. His father once told him that he has grandiose dreams and would never find a girlfriend/wife. This is most likely why he tends to live vicariously through me at times. He has said to the father, "EaglesJuJu is so great, she is going to school to be a doctor." The tone he said it in was to convince the father that he is worthy and capable of finding someone.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Similar JRT. She'd always tell me how she had told a family member I had suggested this or had done that, etc. I think it made her mother jealous of me to think that I was thought of more highly by her daughter than she was. I've been retired since I was 43 and have a good "resume" so to speak. I have accomplished a lot, however my greatest accomplishment has always been in helping and doing for others. 10 years ago my uBPDexgf (who went back into the closet (mostly to appease her Hispanic mother)) liked those things about me.

Clearly, she came to despise them. As for her immediate family, she was the first to graduate from college. She spoke glowingly of them til she was pissed at them. It depended on which way the wind was blowing how she felt about them.

YEs... .very similar... .what do you mean about going back in the closet?

She and I were in a 9.5 yr lesbian relationship. She has known since she was in high school that she preferred females to males. However she is Hispanic and according to her cannot be the only daughter of an Hispanic family and be gay. Thus she married at 25 because she was "supposed to" and when they divorced 10 yrs later, she and I began our relationship.

She was involved in a lengthy court battle that finally went to trial last spring with her ex and tho she retained primary custodial parent to her kids, a lot of other things were adjusted after 9 yrs of divorce, primarily  a cut in child support from her exH. From that point on she was determined to find a man so she could pay to have her kids continue in privatel school. Mind you, we had plenty of finances between the two of us to take care of them. She and I did not live together, and since she lived in a red state, we did everything we could to make sure no one knew she was involved with a woman.

Going back into the closet, in this case, is me referring to her denying herself as a lesbian by being involved with a man now. And I can assure you that she has told whomever she is seeing some bull crap story of why she didn't get married during the 10 yrs she has been divorced from her exH. And I am very sure the story does not include that she is a lesbian and has known it her whole life. She wasn't happy being married to a man the first time, and after her mother asked her about our relationship, the writing was on the wall for me. Her mother can pay for the next divorce. I won't be rescuing her anymore.

[JRT]

Sure, but she was not bragging about me. She was bragging about herself. As the brag, it was almost as if she were saying, 'He is a person that does this and that and has accomplished so on and so forth... .I AM capable of being with a man like that. I am good enough! Please agree with me'. It REALLY stuck out and I continued to notice right after I took her to the local symphony. She sat though it like it was something to be endured but tried to pretend that she enjoyed it. Didn't say a word about it afterwards as part of a discussion. But boy, to hear her the next day mention it to everyone in her ecospace it sounded as if it were the event of the century. She was pushing it to them as if it were a marki of distinction and sophistication. It was painful to watch... .

It certainly poits to her family as being the source of her fears and anxieties... .I just don't know how it technically fits into things.

I get what you are saying. My bf says it like that too. I did not make that clear in my original response. I think it has to do with pwBPD need to have approval and validation from the parents/family, because of low self-esteem. My bf has horrible self-esteem and is very low functioning. Unfortunately due to the illness and other circumstances, he has not "accomplished" much. His FOO role is the "crazy, depressed, pathetic" one. His father once told him that he has grandiose dreams and would never find a girlfriend/wife. This is most likely why he tends to live vicariously through me at times. He has said to the father, "EaglesJuJu is so great, she is going to school to be a doctor." The tone he said it in was to convince the father that he is worthy and capable of finding someone.

Yeah... .I think that its all about approval and validation... .but the odd thing is that none of it is attributable to them... .its a weak case at best.

[EaglesJuju]

Yeah... .I think that its all about approval and validation... .but the odd thing is that none of it is attributable to them... .its a weak case at best.

Validation and approval by association. It is like that saying, you are who your friends are (or who you hangout with). So by associating with "high achieving/accomplished" people, they become or are indentified with that.

[JRT]

Exactly! I felt that by virtue of the self esteem issues that BPD's suffer from, that this kind of behavior dovetailed into the disorder somehow. But judging by the spares response and in addition to not really seeing anyone call attention to it, it seems like it might only be isolated to her. It was highly unusual though. I brought it up to her once and she she really didn't know what I was alluding to; she had no idea that she was doing that and me bringing it to her attention really didn't force the hand to make a connection.

[HowCouldYou]

My wife does this all the time. Another sign that they do not have a self so they attach to us.

Once she was talking about a recent accomplishment of mine at work to her very NPD father. She asked me to elaborate and he turned to me no sooner than I started talking and said what I did was nothing special, and that he had done better than that in his carrier. He also said I was wearing him out talking about it. I hadn't even spoke more than 2 sentences LOL!

I calmly disagreed with him and suggested we talk about him some more  . My wife was balling and yelling at her Father for not letting anyone else have attention/ supply. A NPD/BPD meltdown ensued and we had to leave. 

[JRT]

Wow... .I can't believe that he responded like that to you... .just after saying a word or two.

[HowCouldYou]

He is a complete arse. If anyone tries to talk about anything he doesn't understand or he cannot one up, he gets agitated and or belligerent.

One of the reasons I overlooked a lot of my wife's bad behavior over the years was her abusive childhood with an absentee NPD Dad and alcoholic BPD Mom. I did not know about PD's until a few years ago. It all adds up now.

[JRT]

Mine's dad was a piece of work as well... .not outwardly belligerent though he had some really odd quirks... .oh yeah, and he used to be a raging alcoholic and highly irresponsible.