Edit my letter to BPD mom, 3 mo. before wedding, she is harassing me to go

[coldNheartless]

Hi all, 

I have been days writing this letter to my Mom. She went N/C over the summer when she found out that I like to hunt (she is an animal rights activist). She exploded and start telling me I was a murderer and an orphan. She said she never wants to see or speak to me and I no longer exist to her. Then on New years i got a text from her (it is in the letter attached) and I didn't respond. Yesterday she called and I picked up. I shouldn't have because she started right in on me. She live with my enabling Gmom and I sent Gmom a wedding invitation, but none to my mom, which I made my peace with. I really don't want her to be at my wedding. I have made up my mind and though I feel it is tragic, she is just too out of control. So her phone call went down hill very fast and she hung up on me. She told me that she was planning on coming to the wedding uninvited, that she would pretend to be nice to my fiancee's stupid family. I told her she was not invited on account of how she has treated me and him and the abuse I endure from her. She said I was an orphan and that she endured me through out my whole childhood. She brought up all kinds of stuff from 20 years ago about how I betrayed her in every way. I can tell from her call that she way very desperate for me to agree for her to come and she was too emotionally charged to even hold it together for the phone call.

I have written her this email and I would like to send it, but before I do, I would like some editing suggestions. I always get good help here and it really helps me process everything! Here it goes! BTW her dad is BPD too and is totally out of his gourd, this will help the letter make sense. She also curses like a sailor.

[her name],

[fiance] and I are starting a family. We take care of each other and ourselves. We don't let people manipulate, intimidate, abuse, vilify, or belittle us. We are building a healthy home and when we have children we want to raise them in that stable and loving environment.

Let this set the tone for the future.

This is not a friendly email and I feel immense guilt sending it to you. However, I am not sending this because I want to hurt you, I am sending this because you are contacting me with the wrong intentions, and clearly you need some guidance. You keep trying to break the no contact and get me to bend to your will. I am an adult and you are an adult. I am sorry that this email will surely hurt your feelings, but you have hurt my feelings many times and continue to try to do so. So let me be clear.

You're right, no one forgets when a parent can't make it to a wedding. But having you there "pretending" and rolling your eyes and quite possibly causing a scene is not going to patch over all the nasty things you have said to me. This is the gateway into my future life. What do you think I am letting through the gate?

If you chose to exercise no self control I want nothing to do with you. Each time we speak you verbally assault me, insult me and anyone else you think of if you think it will hurt me, you insult [fiance] and his family. You act exactly as your father does, immature, selfish, out of control, inflammatory, rude and disrespectful. Right now we are planning a wedding. In the future we will be planning children. If you continue to behave this way towards us I will keep you are far away from our family as possible. Right now and in the near past you have not acted like a mother, and you certainly aren't going to be a grandmother like this.

Here are some of the things you said during your last call.

"Im coming to the wedding uninvited"

"I'll pretend to be nice when I meet [fiance]'s stupid family"

"you are an orphan"

"at least I won't be wasting the money on going" [if I stay home]

"I endured you your whole life" (excuse me. I did not ask to be born. You chose to have me.)

Why on earth would I want to see you? Clearly you don't like me or [fiance], or anyone else. Why would I subject the people who love us, who have traveled to be with us, to that type of attitude? The people who are coming are people that share kindness and love with us. Why would we want them to travel all that way to expose them to unkindness or possibly even a fight?


Your text to me on new years day was not exactly inviting... .

"Hi [coldNheartless] of course I have been thinking about you a lot as always I would like to try to have a conversation with you that is sane. I would like to ask you some specific questions about your life and lifestyle I've given a lot of thought to whether or not I should have not have you in my life or if that's the right or wrong thing to do . I think I should at least find out exactly the answers to my questions before I decide that either way it is a terrible thing to not be connected to your only child give me a call sometime when you have time to talk and you are alone Thanks happy new year"

Here is the translation:    "I love you and miss having you to love and hate. I have thought about going back to loving and hating you but I don't know if I can stoop low enough to even have contact with you. MY superior morals are conflicted, on one hand it is bad to be a mother with no contact with her only child, on the other hand you are and have been unworthy of my love and are garbage. But I have punished you for a while now  and since you wedding is coming [and I want to try to save face in front of all your guests], I would like to see if you are now ready to bend to my conditions (and endure my love which is truly abuse in disguise). Call me when you have no support around so I can interrogate you at length, I want you to me tell you everything I want to know, so I can decide if I want to throw you away again or how I can use it against you to continue hating you. F*** your New Year, I have my own New Year agenda"

Your behavior is a classic Borderline Personality Disorder characteristic called Splitting. "Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life.

According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor.  (once that was me, now it is Gam)

Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties."~ From a text on the subject.

I think I will pass on the interrogation and decision on wether or not you want to have me as a daughter. Your actions speak louder than your foul mouth, and what I am gathering is that you think I am white trash garbage.

If you want to be a part of our life, you need to act your age and as a parent of a mature adult. Start with a heartfelt apology and we can go from there. Bruce Jr. also deserves an apology from you as well.

I have apologized for my misgivings as a kid and teen. I have no doubt that I was somewhat insufferable. I am now grown up and the person I have grown into. I am no longer a kid, under the rule of parents, and I am free to be myself and have my own beliefs. You have apologized in the past for the past. We are not perfect, and I forgive you for the past. I am disinterested in your beating a dead horse over "what I did to you" when I was a teen. First of all I was a teen, second of all I have apologized and third, I was under a lot of stress from you. I will not listen to you explain how terrible I was to you as an excuse for why you can verbally abuse, insult and diminish me as much as you want.

Please do not call or text me again, no matter what you have to say. You are too emotionally charged and it's too distracting. I pick up because I am gullible and hopeful. You can write me.

can I send this? What if she kills herself? What if she shows up to my wedding?

What a nightmare!

[Panda39]

coldNheartless,

Wow that had to be cathartic to write.  Let the anger fly... .get it out... .vent but I wouldn't send the letter.

This letter will escalate the drama and drama is what pwBPD thrive on. I don't think you want to engage your mom in a dramafest as you are working on your wedding plans.  Focus on you and your honey.

You've set your boundary with her by not inviting her leave it at that.

Focus on your wedding... .do you know any big "bouncer" types that could man the church door just in case? 

[HadleyatHome]

I am new to this world as we went on a long time not knowing there was a place or name for what we have experienced. My husband and I have sent very well thought out and emotional emails in the past to BPD mother (my MIL). But we, and I fear you, are trying to talk with reason to a person who probably isn't going to see it that way or respond in that way. Every answer, or non-answer is more disappointing than the next. We are in a place where we say as little as possible as directly but in as distant a tone as possible... .so in our situation the less the better because she uses any detail to hurt us. That is what would worry me for you, that she will find ways to use all you're saying to hurt you. I agree to have a plan for security, event staff or bouncer to escort her out if she attempts to attend. This is the last thing you need to worry about on your wedding day. I would simply write "Per our last exchange I would like to clarify that you are neither invited nor welcome to my wedding. Precautions have been set in place for you to be removed from the venue should you disregard this information. Thanks in advance."

[coldNheartless]

Thank you guys, I am standing by for more input.

My fiance says send it, He read it and said it has a good structure and shows how her actions affect us.

I am adding the suggestion by Hadleyathome to my email to her

"Per our last exchange I would like to clarify that you are neither invited nor welcome to my wedding. Precautions have been set in place for you to be removed from the venue should you disregard this information."

Panda, my only worry is that she might sweeten up and play nice to get in... .but even still I need to hold my ground.

More input lovingly accepted!  Thank you!

[Tiredbride313]

Hi coldNheartless,

I agree with Panda and Hadley to not send the letter. pwBPD thrive on drama and sending the letter will only escalate it, something that you don't need, especially before your wedding. The letter makes it obvious to any reasonable person how much pain your mother has caused you, but pwBPD are just beyond reason. From my experience, the less you say, the better, although I know what it's like to want to stand up for yourself!

It's good you wrote the letter because it lets your emotions out. But I would just leave it there and not send it. As Panda said, you set the boundary by not inviting her, and the boundary can be enforced by having some sort of security at the your wedding, as has been suggested. If she shows up, the security can discreetly escort her away.

Try to focus on the good things: you and your fiance, wedding, and the beautiful life you two are creating together. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello cNh,

Congratulations on writing this letter! It is great to clarify our thoughts by writing things down. Also, it is a good way to unburden ourselves.

As far as sending a letter, I would ask myself these questions: what are your goals? Are you likely to achieve them?

I told her she was not invited on account of how she has treated me and him and the abuse I endure from her.

As far as what is absolutely needed, your mother has already heard what she needs to know about the wedding: she isn't invited.

Panda39's suggestion is a really good one should you decide to send something or should you need to say something at a later date.

[morganc]

I'm new to all this, but also have a BPD mom who is a spawn of the devil himself.  From my experience with sending my own mom long-winded emails pouring my heart out about how much she's hurt me... .she won't read it.  If she even makes it past the first paragraph I'd say that's a stretch.  It is surely good therapy to write it, but I say contact a police officer who can keep her out should she show up and just enjoy your wedding with your supportive hubby.  She lacks the emotional insight necessary to digest that email in the manner in which you deserve.  It's like sending a letter written in braille to a person who isn't blind.  Hope that helps.  I know how frustrating this is.