I'm in big trouble... please help with advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope you guys are all doing ok. As some of you know from a while ago my ex pwBPD had me arrested on a false allegation of DV; she did it purely out of spite and in retaliation to my not responding to her acting out during an argument. She didn't make a statement at the time so I was released and the case was thrown out. She left me and the flat and I had no idea where she went. That was almost 5 months ago. As we lived together briefly, I tried after my bail was up to make contact in regards to the flat and outstanding paperwork etc... .things that needed to be sorted plus I was genuinely heartbroken as to why she had me arrested in the first place. She didn't answer any of my texts or calls, I heard nothing.

Out of the blue I received a call just before Christmas from an unknown number and it was her. I was shocked but as you know with these kind of relationships, I was also really pleased in a way to hear from her. I thought she was calling as it was Christmas and maybe wanted to at least put a few things straight with me. I couldn't be more wrong. She absolutely laid into me accusing me of all sorts of the worst kind of abuse you can possibly imagine. She said it had taken her three months to work out what I am; that I was sick and twisted and had used her throughout our relationship. I was called a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist and accused of grooming her? (she's almost 29?) None of it is or was even true? I was accused of battering her on a daily basis (again not true) and told I was in big trouble. I live in the UK and here a person has 6 months after the date of an alleged incident to make a formal complaint and statement.

She has now said she is going back to the police to make a statement about the original night of the argument and is also going to accuse me on top of all the things she says I've done? Some of it is just complete fabrication and really horrible. She also told me she had secretly video taped me during past arguments (to me that's just weird) and was going to use them in court to "prove" what kind of person I am?

It turns out that since she left she has been staying in a women's refuge and has somehow now been classed as a vulnerable adult? She has called me four times since from unknown numbers or numbers with no caller ID and has been threatening me with having me thrown in prison for things I haven't done. It seems that where she has been staying she has access to free legal advice and counselling and it seems these people are pushing her to now make a statement. I can't help but feel she's been sucking up all the attention and making out she's some battered girlfriend because of the surroundings she's in. I doubt they have any idea she even has BPD? She just keeps being told by these counsellors where she's staying that I'm an abuser. Doesn't that all depend on what she's been saying?

I don't know what to do? I'm an emotional mess and she's also threatening my job. I work in healthcare and she has made it very clear she wants my licence to practice revoked as well. She says I'm a threat to vulnerable people? I've tried talking to her and trying to get her to see reason but she's lost all sense of reality and is blatantly lying now about what really happened. If anyone was abused in our relationship it was me? It's been the last month now that this has been going on and I don't know if she is seriously going to go ahead with this or not. Is she just trying to hurt me? It's gone completely mad now and I'm spending every day now stressed out of my head and looking over my shoulder constantly just waiting to be re-arrested. I know I haven't done these things but she has got to a point where it appears she has completely convinced herself and others that I have. I'm at a complete loss, depressed and can't believe she is doing this again.

I'm scared of antagonising the situation by going to the police myself to make a complaint about the calls as I feel this will only push her into making the statement. The stress her calls have caused is making me ill and I've had to take time off work. I really just don't know what to do anymore? Why is she doing this after all this time? Any advice on how to handle this would be so appreciated... .it's a lot more complex than I have had space to write about but this is basically what is going on now. I have no idea what to think let alone any ideas about what to do.

[Butterfly44]

Hi there,

It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope you guys are all doing ok. As some of you know from a while ago my ex pwBPD had me arrested on a false allegation of DV; she did it purely out of spite and in retaliation to my not responding to her acting out during an argument. She didn't make a statement at the time so I was released and the case was thrown out. She left me and the flat and I had no idea where she went. That was almost 5 months ago. As we lived together briefly, I tried after my bail was up to make contact in regards to the flat and outstanding paperwork etc... .things that needed to be sorted plus I was genuinely heartbroken as to why she had me arrested in the first place. She didn't answer any of my texts or calls, I heard nothing.

Out of the blue I received a call just before Christmas from an unknown number and it was her. I was shocked but as you know with these kind of relationships, I was also really pleased in a way to hear from her. I thought she was calling as it was Christmas and maybe wanted to at least put a few things straight with me. I couldn't be more wrong. She absolutely laid into me accusing me of all sorts of the worst kind of abuse you can possibly imagine. She said it had taken her three months to work out what I am; that I was sick and twisted and had used her throughout our relationship. I was called a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist and accused of grooming her? (she's almost 29?) None of it is or was even true? I was accused of battering her on a daily basis (again not true) and told I was in big trouble. I live in the UK and here a person has 6 months after the date of an alleged incident to make a formal complaint and statement.

She has now said she is going back to the police to make a statement about the original night of the argument and is also going to accuse me on top of all the things she says I've done? Some of it is just complete fabrication and really horrible. She also told me she had secretly video taped me during past arguments (to me that's just weird) and was going to use them in court to "prove" what kind of person I am?

It turns out that since she left she has been staying in a women's refuge and has somehow now been classed as a vulnerable adult? She has called me four times since from unknown numbers or numbers with no caller ID and has been threatening me with having me thrown in prison for things I haven't done. It seems that where she has been staying she has access to free legal advice and counselling and it seems these people are pushing her to now make a statement. I can't help but feel she's been sucking up all the attention and making out she's some battered girlfriend because of the surroundings she's in. I doubt they have any idea she even has BPD? She just keeps being told by these counsellors where she's staying that I'm an abuser. Doesn't that all depend on what she's been saying?

I don't know what to do? I'm an emotional mess and she's also threatening my job. I work in healthcare and she has made it very clear she wants my licence to practice revoked as well. She says I'm a threat to vulnerable people? I've tried talking to her and trying to get her to see reason but she's lost all sense of reality and is blatantly lying now about what really happened. If anyone was abused in our relationship it was me? It's been the last month now that this has been going on and I don't know if she is seriously going to go ahead with this or not. Is she just trying to hurt me? It's gone completely mad now and I'm spending every day now stressed out of my head and looking over my shoulder constantly just waiting to be re-arrested. I know I haven't done these things but she has got to a point where it appears she has completely convinced herself and others that I have. I'm at a complete loss, depressed and can't believe she is doing this again.

I'm scared of antagonising the situation by going to the police myself to make a complaint about the calls as I feel this will only push her into making the statement. The stress her calls have caused is making me ill and I've had to take time off work. I really just don't know what to do anymore? Why is she doing this after all this time? Any advice on how to handle this would be so appreciated... .it's a lot more complex than I have had space to write about but this is basically what is going on now. I have no idea what to think let alone any ideas about what to do.

[enlighten me]

Hi butterfly

Im sorry your going through this. My first piece of advice is find a lawyer who is familiar with high conflict issues involving people who are mentally ill.

secondly document everything you can that shows her behaviour. Record any phone calls. Get a dictophone for this and carry it with you just in case she makes contact in person.

Dont contact her! Any attempt could turn bad fast and she may say your harrassing her.

Have you any emails, texts or letter that show her vehaviour? Even if it is her telling you how great you were and how much she loved you would contradict the picture she is now painting of you.

Go see a psychologist and get something on paper from them of what they believe your exs behaviour shows.

Good luck I hope this all gets sorted for you.

[Infared]

Yes... .I would definitely try to find a lawyer who has experience with these matters and get advice... .but I think that I would change my phone number and block all contact in any way that you can. Any contact is severely upsetting you. Nothing productive will come from you interacting with her. Think of your safety and not her  (or what she is thinking or might be planning to do... .you have no control over that), or what you think that you should do to placate her. Do anything that you can to stop contact and separate yourself from this and get counsel. This person is mentally unfit and threatening you. Protect yourself.

Good luck.

[Ripped Heart]

Butterfly, I too live in the UK and have seen how the law works in this country so I understand your concerns.

My BPDgf managed to get a restraining order against her exbf on the grounds he was harassing her, he also called her the week he was due in court and was painted to be quite the abusive boyfriend to me. It put me in the middle of a triangle, she was the victim, he was the abuser and I was the white knight who rode in the rescue her. It sounds like your ex is doing a very similar thing here, she is the victim, you are the abuser and her counselors are the white knights.

Only that wasn't the true picture. I've spoken to him a few times over recent weeks and got the other side of the story, to be honest I do believe his version of events given what I've seen. He was calling her a lot at the start of my r/s and I told him to back off. It turned out, she was the one calling him in order to provoke him into calling. I got her a new phone, we changed her number etc... .and I couldn't figure out why he would call her on the week of his court date or how he even got the number. She was the one who sent it to him and he called because he didn't recognise the number. Up to that week, she was worried and concerned that he was going to walk free so manipulated the situation in order to make sure he didn't.

I've heard that she had him re-arrested last week for breaking his RO but that wasn't the case. She was the one contacting his family members and he just happened to be at his cousins house when she called.

pwBPD often project their emotions and feelings onto others because it's too painful for them to deal with. There is a very good chance that she is saying those things because she knows it to be true about herself but rather than being able to take responsibility, she is directing at you and blaming you for her own actions. The other thing that could be going on here is all about control, she may be losing control so again is projecting that on to you in order to gain control. This is someone with a mental illness so they do not think like we do and there is no rationality to their actions.

My BPDgf is in the middle of a push/pull cycle right now with me and I'm seeing a similar pattern to what happened with her exbf. I don't contact her, I wait for her to contact me and record the details of everything, times, dates etc... .I saved all my text messages and emails, suicide threats if I don't speak to her.

My advice to you would be to log everything, print off everything and to find a solicitor that deals with high conflict individuals. As you know, first appointments are usually free so it gives you some space to shop around and find someone suitable. At least that way you have the ball rolling should something come of it.

As others have said, keep strictly No Contact with her, it would only give her ammunition and you may find that any conversation you do have is an effort to provoke you into a response that could go against you. If you have no option, record everything but as you also know, you HAVE to tell her at the very beginning of the conversation that it is being recorded or it can't be used in court. That also works both ways, so her threat of recording you would be inadmissible too, should such a thing even exist.

As for them believing her, I can't speak for them as I don't know them but I felt very similar in Therapy with my exN/BPDw where I felt it was 2 against 1 in the room. Our T had her pegged from the very beginning but also had to build up that trust in order for her to reveal her true self. As with any professional, they won't be telling her what to do or that you are abusive, all they will be doing is validating her feelings, gaining her trust and figuring out what is wrong. They cannot make statements about you that they cannot prove because it would be unprofessional and could land them on slander or defamation charges. Which is why you need to speak with a solicitor, not to get them in trouble as you don't know what they have really said but to keep those options open.

Also given the strain this is having on you, if you haven't already, find yourself a good therapist, preferably one who understands PD's because that can also work in your favour as well as helping you through the emotional rollercoaster you are on right now.

Most of all, keep posting away on here and we shall be around to help and support you through what is a very difficult time for you right now.

[Butterfly44]

Thank you so much infared, ripped heart and enlighten me; there is much valuable advice there. I cannot afford a lawyer as such right now as I have taken time off work recently due to this. I do have contact with my original solicitor from the first arrest and he said from what he remembers, it's clear she has issues. I also remember two different policemen, one of whom arrested me, saying very clearly at the time to his colleague that she clearly had issues. Does the opinion of the arresting officer matter when he was first at the scene? She was hysterical at the time and displaying very typical pwBPD traits.

The thing is, because of the nature of relationships with pwBPD, I engaged in the conversations, two of which went on for almost two hours? I wanted to talk with her because of my own stupid attachment to her and the fact that I've been severely depressed and alone since she originally had me arrested and left. I contacted her a lot in the beginning and she never replied. I'm worried this will go against me. She also had me in such a state on the phone last time that I ended up in tears apologising for anything I ever did wrong? I stupidly admitted pushing her that night but I did not push her over. The night of the row, she was hitting me in the chest and screaming at me to hit her back but I didn't. She kept goading me, verbally abusing me and shouting in my face so I pushed her away me. She then went into hysterical, victim mode and fell over immediately accusing me of pushing her over? The last phone call, she was drawing me in... .telling me she missed me, getting me to apologise for things, saying she would see me if I promised to tell the truth (her truth however, not "the" truth) and I fell for it. I know it's sad but I was so desperate to appease her, which is all I was ever used to doing during the relationship that I said things I shouldn't have done just to calm her down and stop her from verbally abusing me. Sure enough, she then told me she had recorded it on her phone. I've been so, so stupid but I went straight back into how she got me all the time when we were together; she makes me so weak? I stupidly thought I still loved her even after what she did... .how can someone be able to do this?

I agree to some extent with ripped heart who said about her not being able to cope. She is now in a refuge and I know she will hate it. It's a far cry from what she's used to and I don't think she expected her acting out and getting me arrested the first time would lead to her being where she is now. She's blaming me for everything and anything that went wrong for us and she's also been without my constant support (which she always had) She lost me and her home due to her own behaviour and although she has support from friends, she's now on her own and actually said during one of her phone calls, that she doesn't even know how to think for herself. I'm not sure if all this is simply some hideous and messed up way of getting my attention again? She doesn't know how to say sorry for what she did so she's going about projecting her own guilt in this twisted and horrible way? Her behaviour on the phone was so extreme that I don't know how a court if they did hear it all, would not come to the conclusion that she is ill? She was actually retching and being sick in the toilet during the phone call then screaming "look what you've done to me"? It was too much? At that point I realised how mad the situation was getting and ended the call. Why would someone start vomiting over the phone so I could hear it? Is all this mad behaviour because she can't deal with what's happened or because she really believes I've seriously abused her? Surely she knows the truth or is she so far gone that she's actually convinced herself I'm some abusive monster? Even loving and kind things I've done in the past, she's turned into something completely different and f... .d up? I'm trying so hard to understand what's going on here... .if only so I can sleep for more than three hours.

[Butterfly44]

One other thing too, she seems to have two phones now, I don't know why. She told me almost a month ago that her contract was up on the usual number I have and that it would be expiring in a few days but it's still working or it was a week ago which was the last time we were in touch. Even weirder was two days after Christmas, I had a missed call at 3:30am from a number I didn't recognise so thinking it may be someone who was in trouble at that time in the morning, I sent a text asking who it was and was everything ok. I had no reply. I also called it the next morning and got no answer. It turns out from our last conversation it's her new number or the number of her second phone? Why make sure I have her new number if she believes I'm so abusive? Why have two phones; is that something to do with the fact she's in a refuge? She said something about having to hand her phone in at weekends and holidays to avoid making contact at times when she felt desperate. Why then make sure I have the other number? None of her behaviour makes sense to me at all and surely it wouldn't to anyone else if this does go any further?

[enlighten me]

Butterfly it is a scary place for you right now. You need to take a step back and try to overcome emotion and replace it with logic. Easier said than done I know. You say you are a medical professional so you have a logical mind. You have hit upon the fact that she is blaming you for everything that is going wrong for her. This is why she has lashed out like she has. Everything has gone wrong. She has so much blame and rather than accept it being her fault she is blaming you. The bigger the blame the bigger the backlash.

This can actually work in your favour. The more you remain calm and dont respond the more likely she will do something stupid. She will probably try and contact you. Dont speak to her. Dont answer unknown calls. Force her into sending text or email. Use these to show she is the one making contact. Speak to the police. Ask to speak to someone about the situation. Explain you are concerned she has mental health issues and has threatened you. Explain that you are worried her allegations may be taken seriously and want to know how to protect yourself. Dont get them directly involved though as this will push her. If later on she does call the police you will have already primed them and they will have doubt in their mind about her credibility. They will have to investigate but rather than just looking at you they may look at how credible her statements are. They may ask her more questions and put her on the spot and we all know how bad pwBPD can be at keeping their story straight.

If you cant afford a lawyer now there is nothing stopping you from finding one who deals with this. Most in the uk offer a free consultation. If you explain the situation and tell them you are seeking someone just incase it kicks off they should be more than happy to see you.

Start compiling things to back you up. Screen shots from fb of chats or posts showing how happy she was with you. Emails, texts, letters. Anything that contradicts her version of events. Any exs you may have who would be a character witness? If so find their contact details just in case. Work records showing that anger and violence are out of character. The medical profession can be a stressful job so if you were prone to outbursts then it would come out.

Do all of this logically. Dont let sentiment get in the way.

You cannot control what your ex will do but you can prepare for the worst.

[SlyQQ]

You have to be VERY careful with this but do you know or can you find out about any of her ex s

[Butterfly44]

Thank you so much for your kind response enlighten me. I'm sitting here on yet another day off after being unable to sleep again. You've said something really interesting. She ended the first call she made abruptly saying she needed the loo and then didn't call back as she said she would. I of course, responded perfectly and then sent a text, then an email asking why she hadn't called back when there was so much to sort out. She never, ever responds to texts or emails and neither does she ever initiate contact via text or email. The only black and white proof of contact is from me. I've said nothing threatening, unkind or demeaning; I've only ever said I cared and was she ok plus of course asking why she ended the call so abruptly. I guess at least it's obvious that she has contacted me from the content of the texts I sent. She's also been extremely abusive to me during those calls when I haven't at all so if she does plan on using the recordings, it will become clear that she's the one being the psychological and emotional bully. She did nothing but threaten me and use abusive language throughout so I'm not quite sure how she thinks that will go in her favour? The only problem I have with the police is that I have contacted an advice helpline and discussed what's going on but they said due to the threatening nature of the calls, that they would have to take "positive action" and speak to her directly. The only way they could log my call to was if I gave my details and had a police officer come round to discuss the situation? I'm terrified of doing this as she is completely unpredictable now. Do you think it best if I make an appointment to see my original solicitor and voice my concerns that way? Nobody seems to know she has BPD other than me and she's a master manipulator when it comes to convincing people that she's completely sane? I think she knows herself that she isn't but she's very, very clever. She even tried to convince me that I "could get off more lightly" if I went to a psychiatrist and got myself diagnosed with a personality disorder? This is how insane it's become. On an emotional level, I'm absolutely devastated that she's even thinking of doing this to me. Let's hope to God these are only threats due to her situation and the fact that she is simply looking for the easiest target to blame because she is so unhappy. It's been a month now since she said she was doing this and still it hasn't happened... .surely she would have done it by now? The first threat was on the 19th December and it's been like this ever since. Thank you for taking the time to respond; your support really means a lot.

[Butterfly44]

SlyQQ... .She still lived with her ex (as friends, their relationship was over) when we started dating and her ex hated me purely through jealousy and not being able to control who she saw anymore. I wasn't even allowed in the flat they shared because of her ex. This is what I meant by saying this whole situation has been so complex from the start. I've had so much to deal with even during the relationship.

The only other thing I can say is that she also had her ex arrested for "affray" and then didn't make a statement then either? It was the same police force involved (even one police officer was the same) and that again was thrown out as I remember. She would have to go back to the same police force again to make the statement against me 5 months after the event was closed so I'm hoping they may start realising she's an attention seeker and a time waster. She did the same thing with her ex... .making all kinds of accusations but when it actually came down to it, she refused to take it any further. Surely the police, who should be trained in these matters, must have an inkling that all's not what it seems? 

[Infared]

SlyQQ... .She still lived with her ex (as friends, their relationship was over) when we started dating and her ex hated me purely through jealousy and not being able to control who she saw anymore. I wasn't even allowed in the flat they shared because of her ex. This is what I meant by saying this whole situation has been so complex from the start. I've had so much to deal with even during the relationship.

The only other thing I can say is that she also had her ex arrested for "affray" and then didn't make a statement then either? It was the same police force involved (even one police officer was the same) and that again was thrown out as I remember. She would have to go back to the same police force again to make the statement against me 5 months after the event was closed so I'm hoping they may start realising she's an attention seeker and a time waster. She did the same thing with her ex... .making all kinds of accusations but when it actually came down to it, she refused to take it any further. Surely the police, who should be trained in these matters, must have an inkling that all's not what it seems?  

Way too much drama, which you own a significant part in.

Honestly... .I would advise you to look for a therapist and a lawyer.

Thank God I only needed the 1st one.

[Butterfly44]

Way too much drama, which you own a significant part in.

Honestly... .I would advise you to look for a therapist and a lawyer.

Thank God I only needed the 1st one.[/quote]
Infared... .I own a significant part in? By allowing it to happen you mean or I'm at fault for all this?

[Infared]

Way too much drama, which you own a significant part in.

Honestly... .I would advise you to look for a therapist and a lawyer.

Thank God I only needed the 1st one.

Infared... .I own a significant part in? By allowing it to happen you mean or I'm at fault for all this? [/quote]
No... .no... Please put down the club.

I am going to tell you what I think... .not what you want to hear.

We have a responsibility for getting involved with these people because we are not "centered" either. So "we" are generally part of the problem.

I see the two of you enmeshed in a co-dependent drama. There is no good person here or bad person.  

The healthy Thing to do for yourself is to move away from any contact with this person and to contact a lawyer and a therapist. The point of the therapist is to work on you and for YOU to find out why you became so entangled with this obviously unhealthy person. It is real grown-up scary stuff... .but the thought is to change and grow so that we do not end up in another situation with another unhealthy person. We ALL have our part in it.

Really all you can do is work on yourself and your choices and behavior... .we cannot change the thinking and the actions of the other person... .They are going to do what they are going to do. You need to take care of you.

Hope I am not being too direct. ... .but that is what I see here.

[Butterfly44]

Infared... .there is no club and I do understand; I appreciate your honesty. I was co-dependent but I'm not now and I did seek therapy for my own self esteem issues which was a positive thing; I thought it was all over. I guess it's just been a shock that she would take things this far after so long and I'm worried now about my position more than anything. I've stopped all contact and I will seek advice again as how best to move forward. I simply wanted to get some advice from people who know about pwBPD and the likelihood of her actually going ahead. Some relationships with pwBPD are more messed up than others I guess and I'm still at the recovery phase.

[enlighten me]

My personal opinion is that this will go away if left alone. My exs used to make allsorts of claims but when it came to a point that they would have to prove it they bottled out.

As long as they dont feel threatened and backed into a corner then they will usually take the option that exposes them the least.

Stay calm. Dont contact her. And record any contact she makes. Even phone call that go dead when you answer them. Record dates and times of these.

Research a lawyer. I would find a new one if your old one isnt familiar with mental health issues.

Finally start taking care of yourself. Accept that all the hurt she has caused is because she is ill. Accept that the person you thought you knew is a stranger that you never really knew. Come on here and vent. Do some exercise. Have hot baths. Avoid alcohol. Listen to music. Distract yourself. And finally take it one day at a time. Its a slow process getting over a BPD relstiinship ( unless you can get hold of seretonin as apparently that works). You do eventually get over it.  PM me if you want to chat with a fellow brit.

[Infared]

Infared... .there is no club and I do understand; I appreciate your honesty. I was co-dependent but I'm not now and I did seek therapy for my own self esteem issues which was a positive thing; I thought it was all over. I guess it's just been a shock that she would take things this far after so long and I'm worried now about my position more than anything. I've stopped all contact and I will seek advice again as how best to move forward. I simply wanted to get some advice from people who know about pwBPD and the likelihood of her actually going ahead. Some relationships with pwBPD are more messed up than others I guess and I'm still at the recovery phase.

It really impossible to predict what this person will do. I would get legal advice and take solid action guided by a professional.

[SlyQQ]

I would have to disagree inferno I was not co dependent or enmeshed I was just plain conned some people with BPD are very good at this sigh enlighten your not saying do dingers are you

[Infared]

My personal opinion is that this will go away if left alone. My exs used to make allsorts of claims but when it came to a point that they would have to prove it they bottled out.

As long as they dont feel threatened and backed into a corner then they will usually take the option that exposes them the least.

Stay calm. Dont contact her. And record any contact she makes. Even phone call that go dead when you answer them. Record dates and times of these.

Research a lawyer. I would find a new one if your old one isnt familiar with mental health issues.

Finally start taking care of yourself. Accept that all the hurt she has caused is because she is ill. Accept that the person you thought you knew is a stranger that you never really knew. Come on here and vent. Do some exercise. Have hot baths. Avoid alcohol. Listen to music. Distract yourself. And finally take it one day at a time. Its a slow process getting over a BPD relstiinship ( unless you can get hold of seretonin as apparently that works). You do eventually get over it.  PM me if you want to chat with a fellow brit.

+1000 

[Infared]

I would have to disagree inferno I was not co dependent or enmeshed

I was just plain conned some people with BPD are very good at this sigh

enlighten your not saying do dingers are you

Oh... .I was conned and lied to and cheated on... .I did none of those things... .but after extensive therapy and a lot of self honesty... .I have to admit that there were a LOT of red flags that I ignored (that someone healthier than my self was then would have noticed and perhaps not gotten romantically invloved with the BPD)... .I just ignored or did not notice the warning signs and jumped in with both feet.  That is just my experience.

I personally had to acknowledge that, work on myself and change to avoid another mistake like that in the future.  I do not think anyone who comes here is blameless and if they say that they are I will show you a person in denial.

[enlighten me]

What are dingers?

I take it its some drug to do with serotonin.

I only mentioned that as I was reading an article on the three phases of love dealing with the chemical side. One thing that was seen is that the brain reacts the same way as somekne with OCD. All to do with oxytocin and vassopressin receptors. What they found is by giving serotonin to pwocd it reduced their behaviour. When the same wss done to prairie voles they stopped being monogamous and slept around .

They sumised that serotonin could break the love addiction people get.

[Butterfly44]

My personal opinion is that this will go away if left alone. My exs used to make allsorts of claims but when it came to a point that they would have to prove it they bottled out.

As long as they dont feel threatened and backed into a corner then they will usually take the option that exposes them the least.

Stay calm. Dont contact her. And record any contact she makes. Even phone call that go dead when you answer them. Record dates and times of these.

Research a lawyer. I would find a new one if your old one isnt familiar with mental health issues.




Finally start taking care of yourself. Accept that all the hurt she has caused is because she is ill. Accept that the person you thought you knew is a stranger that you never really knew. Come on here and vent. Do some exercise. Have hot baths. Avoid alcohol. Listen to music. Distract yourself. And finally take it one day at a time. Its a slow process getting over a BPD relstiinship ( unless you can get hold of seretonin as apparently that works). You do eventually get over it.  PM me if you want to chat with a fellow brit.

How do I PM you enlighten me? Can't seem to find you and thanks so much for the advice. The whole thing is just making me feel sick and very, very sad that it's come to this again.

[enlighten me]

If you click on my name and then there should be an option for send private message.

[momtara]

Haven't read all the responses but a lot of what she is saying sounds like an effort to simply scare you.  As you know, she dropped her original complaint.  Maybe she's triggered because they DON'T believe her wherever she is, and are trying to get her into therapy.  No way of knowing.

You can go to the police without having her know about it, and file an incident report about harassment or something, so you have it on record.  Explain the situation.  A lawyer won't hurt too... .you can post on avvo.com to get some advice, just disguise it so she won't see it.

Sorry this happened and obviously she is sick.  Hope it gets better.  I'm guessing she won't act on her threats, but definitely protect yourself.   

[livednlearned]

Past history is a good predictor of future behavior.

She already did this once to you, and it sounds like once to her former boyfriend.

She didn't make a statement for the first false allegations, and she didn't make a statement for yours either.

Either way, she puts you through tremendous stress and with negative advocates coaching her, it's hard to say. Next time, she might make a statement.

If you can't afford an attorney, at the very least install recording software on your phone so you have a record of what she says. I don't know what the recording laws are like in the UK, but in general it seems they are much more lax than in the US. Don't talk to her on the phone or respond to messages, and if you accidentally pick up and she's on the line, don't for the love of god apologize for anything. You're in the twilight zone of legal action so don't make things harder for yourself. Take care of you. She certainly isn't looking out for you, and you are the last person who can rescue her or fix her right now, period. The way BPD works, she is now hell bent on finding a rescuer to protect her from you. Any engagement from her is to support the victim that you are an abuser. Nothing you do will change this script -- that ship has sailed.

If you think she's going to have your license revoked, I would be proactive and go to your HR department to let them know that you were involved with someone who suffers from a serious mental illness. Let them know she has made threats and false allegations against you, and you are considering a protective order. She has threatened to have your license revoked, so ask them how to handle any threatening actions she might take.

Document everything you do. You will have a hard time remembering since your stress is so high right now.

I don't understand how anyone gets through these transitions without a therapist. It's worth going into debt, so if you can continue seeing someone, do it.

A therapist will point out inconsistencies in what you're perceiving. For example, you say she is a master manipulator and can convince anyone, but your solicitor and the police officer were quick to see that she has issues. She is not as slick as you think, but she may be able to manipulate and convince people who are susceptible to "rescuing."

The fact that she's been in a shelter filled with people trained to rescue means that this could go further than the first incident.

[SlyQQ]

Dingers is street slang for ecstacy or mmda ( we all know what ecstacy does right ) interesting about oxytocin aand vassopressin posted to you before i think there is a strong link between the two especially in BPD ( vasso partial agonist for oxytocin)

[SlyQQ]

Infa I sore the red flags to even sat down an had a chat with her psychologist about things too before I went ahead he told me a whole lot of BS about thyroid deficencies an anxiety stuff no bi polar no BPD next thing i know she s pregnent an to a large extent i am stuck not blameless but not a whole lot at fault either

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the others - keep your distance from her, never ever reach out to her, and if she reaches out to you then document it.  A normal person in fear of an abuser will not call.  Record any contact you have with her.

By my calculation she has another month and a half where she could reinstate the case?  So be extra careful during this time.  You cannot, not even once, say anything that could be distorted and twisted into claims of abuse or that you're guilty of something.  Even a simple "I'm sorry" could be claimed by her to be an admission of guilt.

Especially... .never ever think about apologizing to her or saying you're sorry for anything you've done or she thinks you've done.  Why not do the normal thing?  Because she will use anything you say against you.  My lawyer said his first task with a new client was to sit on him or her... .to be a client he or she had to have already be in a predicament and he didn't want any risks of the case getting even worse.  The old saying, Loose lips sinks ships.  The risk in your case, loose lips sinks you.  You have one foot in the door already, be aware, beware.

Can you go to the police and report she has been calling you but ask them just to log it and not contact her?  Even if you don't do anything now it may give you basis to file later that she's harassing or stalking you.  Those are strong legal terms.

That way, if you do end up in court again, you could start a case against her too and then ask for psych evaluations.  If there is only her case against you then it might be difficult to get psych eval of her, but if you both have cases then maybe you both can be evaluated.  However, I am not a lawyer, I don't know what can or can't be done, what should or shouldn't be done.

Have you informed your HR department?  Legal advice from a lawyer may include updating them so they will think twice and do some investigating before reaching conclusions or decisions about you.

Henceforth do not admit to any wrongdoing whatsoever.  In times like this open honesty - when the other is dishonestly trying to trap you - will make things worse.  Before opening your mouth, get your lawyer's advice.  "Silence is golden" and may protect you from making things worse.  There are generally three answers you can give... .Yes, No and "I don't recall" or a variation of that.  Beware of things like "Yes but... ." since the court may stop listening after the first word.

A person who has made false allegations, such as happened with you, is someone right to keep at a distance.  Mix in a PD and it is a very volatile combinations.  BPD is a Mental Illness.  By definition mental illness does not make normal sense.  Yes, it can be described, patterns discerned, written up in textbooks and taught in psych classes but it still won't make sense.  So stop worrying about whether she does or doesn't know the impact of what she does, you may never be able to be sure either way.  Just accept it and keep away.

Lastly, doesn't matter whether she knows it or not, she is setting you up when she fails to call back and then you end up reaching out to her.  You have to STOP that.  You can't afford to be a White Knight in Shining Armor.  She's busy morphing you into a Black Knight and priming the cannons and pointing them at you.  Metaphorically, you have a butter knife and she has access to cannons.

The only other thing I can say is that she also had her ex arrested for "affray" and then didn't make a statement then either? It was the same police force involved (even one police officer was the same) and that again was thrown out as I remember. She would have to go back to the same police force again to make the statement against me 5 months after the event was closed so I'm hoping they may start realising she's an attention seeker and a time waster. She did the same thing with her ex... .making all kinds of accusations but when it actually came down to it, she refused to take it any further. Surely the police, who should be trained in these matters, must have an inkling that all's not what it seems?

That's what we expected, if she has so readily done this to you, then she's likely done it to her prior relationship partners.  (Ended relationships are often described as 'abusive' since the pwBPD can't accept the fault for the end, so she has to blame someone else and shift blame, onto you of course.  If you can document that she has a pattern of painting past BFs as abusive, then her claims against you may be weakened and less credible.

[Butterfly44]

I agree with the others - keep your distance from her, never ever reach out to her, and if she reaches out to you then document it.  A normal person in fear of an abuser will not call.  Record any contact you have with her.

By my calculation she has another month and a half where she could reinstate the case?  So be extra careful during this time.  You cannot, not even once, say anything that could be distorted and twisted into claims of abuse or that you're guilty of something.  Even a simple "I'm sorry" could be claimed by her to be an admission of guilt.

Especially... .never ever think about apologizing to her or saying you're sorry for anything you've done or she thinks you've done.  Why not do the normal thing?  Because she will use anything you say against you.  My lawyer said his first task with a new client was to sit on him or her... .to be a client he or she had to have already be in a predicament and he didn't want any risks of the case getting even worse.  The old saying, Loose lips sinks ships.  The risk in your case, loose lips sinks you.  You have one foot in the door already, be aware, beware.

Can you go to the police and report she has been calling you but ask them just to log it and not contact her?  Even if you don't do anything now it may give you basis to file later that she's harassing or stalking you.  Those are strong legal terms.

That way, if you do end up in court again, you could start a case against her too and then ask for psych evaluations.  If there is only her case against you then it might be difficult to get psych eval of her, but if you both have cases then maybe you both can be evaluated.  However, I am not a lawyer, I don't know what can or can't be done, what should or shouldn't be done.

Have you informed your HR department?  Legal advice from a lawyer may include updating them so they will think twice and do some investigating before reaching conclusions or decisions about you.

Henceforth do not admit to any wrongdoing whatsoever.  In times like this open honesty - when the other is dishonestly trying to trap you - will make things worse.  Before opening your mouth, get your lawyer's advice.  "Silence is golden" and may protect you from making things worse.  There are generally three answers you can give... .Yes, No and "I don't recall" or a variation of that.  Beware of things like "Yes but... ." since the court may stop listening after the first word.

A person who has made false allegations, such as happened with you, is someone right to keep at a distance.  Mix in a PD and it is a very volatile combinations.  BPD is a Mental Illness.  By definition mental illness does not make normal sense.  Yes, it can be described, patterns discerned, written up in textbooks and taught in psych classes but it still won't make sense.  So stop worrying about whether she does or doesn't know the impact of what she does, you may never be able to be sure either way.  Just accept it and keep away.

Lastly, doesn't matter whether she knows it or not, she is setting you up when she fails to call back and then you end up reaching out to her.  You have to STOP that.  You can't afford to be a White Knight in Shining Armor.  She's busy morphing you into a Black Knight and priming the cannons and pointing them at you.  Metaphorically, you have a butter knife and she has access to cannons.

The only other thing I can say is that she also had her ex arrested for "affray" and then didn't make a statement then either? It was the same police force involved (even one police officer was the same) and that again was thrown out as I remember. She would have to go back to the same police force again to make the statement against me 5 months after the event was closed so I'm hoping they may start realising she's an attention seeker and a time waster. She did the same thing with her ex... .making all kinds of accusations but when it actually came down to it, she refused to take it any further. Surely the police, who should be trained in these matters, must have an inkling that all's not what it seems?

That's what we expected, if she has so readily done this to you, then she's likely done it to her prior relationship partners.  (Ended relationships are often described as 'abusive' since the pwBPD can't accept the fault for the end, so she has to blame someone else and shift blame, onto you of course.  If you can document that she has a pattern of painting past BFs as abusive, then her claims against you may be weakened and less credible.

Hi ForeverDad and thank you for your post and all the other kind people for their time and efforts to offer advice.

I'm afraid I've already done the apologising during very upsetting and distressing phone calls she's made. I think I mentioned earlier that I admitted pushing her during the argument but that's because she kept pushing me in the chest and goading me to hit her, which I wouldn't, couldn't and didn't. I pushed her away from me and that was it. She got me into such a state on the phone and I was dumbfounded by the accusations she was making but I apologised for any hurt (not physical) that I may have caused during our relationship. May I just say at this time that I'm also a woman. I don't know why but she was always able to reduce me to tears and it was very much under duress being slated by the woman I thought I still loved that made me apologise for anything. I was so upset (it was the first time we had spoken in months) and didn't expect her to go down this route again when she first called. I did what I've always done and tried desperately to appease her; to calm her down and the only way I ever knew how to handle her hysterics was to just agree with everything and hope to move on to a different subject. It was after the fourth phone call that she played her trump card and told me she had recorded our conversations. I felt sick and couldn't believe she was setting me up knowing full well how to play me. Obviously since then I haven't had any contact at all realising what she's been doing but I've already apologised too much... .even for things I haven't done. I just wanted her to stop screaming abuse at me.

She is the most manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive person I've ever known at times and she has hit me on several occasions but of course should I try to offer that information to her, I get screamed at some more and told I'm a pathological liar. I end up staying quiet while she rants and that's how it's always been. I have contacted the police and they're aware she's been in touch but as I've said, they told me for a complaint to be logged, I would have to allow "positive action" from their side and I was told she would have to be approached and spoken to. I just can't afford that scenario right now. The only thing I have on my side is a catalogue of abusive, derogatory and vicious texts and emails she's sent me over a long period of time; stuff that I myself would be humiliated to show they're that offensive. As a pwBPD, I can only hope that she wouldn't want to be exposed as the complete opposite to what she is now portraying to those around her. I know her well enough to know this would be an incomprehensible fear for her... .she knows I have all the texts and emails which would show a completely different side to her than the beautiful, lovely natured & vulnerable woman that everyone thinks she is. For her to be "outed" as a fake in a courtroom in that way when none of my texts or emails are in any way vicious, would be the worst case scenario for her. That's all I have in terms of my defence plus as you rightly say, a normal person in fear of an abuser would not call. I have no idea what's going to happen... .unfortunately right now all I can do is wait. Once again, she's in control of what happens next.

[Waddams]

Once again, she's in control of what happens next.

You can't control what she does.  You can control what you do.  At this point, you can clearly see she's unhinged.  Perhaps it's time for NC? If she calls don't answer.  Maybe even change your phone number?  I haven't read the whole thread, and maybe some of this you are already doing, but I think it might help your peace of mind to simply take control of you and take steps to ensure she can't contact you unless she comes looking for you face to face.  Enacting NC and cutting out all the crazy, and then moving on, I think would be the best thing for this situation.

She can file complaints against you, but I would think it make it harder to argue it has justification if you can demonstrate you have taken all the steps you can to move on and she's the one that keeps initiating further contact. 

Beyond the rest of it, I'd advise to start finding some other hobby or activity to get into.  Something new.  It will give you something else to focus on in your spare time.  It helps me to do that and distract myself otherwise I ruminate on my issues and turn into a basket case.

[ImaFita]

SlyQQ... .She still lived with her ex (as friends, their relationship was over) when we started dating and her ex hated me purely through jealousy and not being able to control who she saw anymore. I wasn't even allowed in the flat they shared because of her ex. This is what I meant by saying this whole situation has been so complex from the start. I've had so much to deal with even during the relationship.

The only other thing I can say is that she also had her ex arrested for "affray" and then didn't make a statement then either? It was the same police force involved (even one police officer was the same) and that again was thrown out as I remember. She would have to go back to the same police force again to make the statement against me 5 months after the event was closed so I'm hoping they may start realising she's an attention seeker and a time waster. She did the same thing with her ex... .making all kinds of accusations but when it actually came down to it, she refused to take it any further. Surely the police, who should be trained in these matters, must have an inkling that all's not what it seems?  

That will work in your favor. I'd be going to that same police station and filing a complaint against her.

What she is doing now is controlling your life, your mind state, your emotions, etc.

And you are letting her do this by doing nothing. If you want her to leave you alone, then go to the cops.

Yes it is uncomfortable on you, but she has left you no choice. Don't put up with it or you'll continue to live like this.