Her stuff is still here

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Still no word.

The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer.She prolly let it go to voice mail.

My take is this.She is trying to make me appear the bad guy and telling people I tossed all her stuff out and ruined her life.This helps her be a VICTIM and helps to make me BLACKER THAN BLACK.

I may have to send it to someone at some point.Her doing this to me is making me more Angry.The stuff can be loaded in 10 minutes.

If you can send it to someone that will give it to her, DO IT.  Be finished with this.

[jhkbuzz]

Still no word.

The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer.She prolly let it go to voice mail.

My take is this.She is trying to make me appear the bad guy and telling people I tossed all her stuff out and ruined her life.This helps her be a VICTIM and helps to make me BLACKER THAN BLACK.

I may have to send it to someone at some point.Her doing this to me is making me more Angry.The stuff can be loaded in 10 minutes.

If you can send it to someone that will give it to her, DO IT.  Be finished with this.

[downwhim]

I agree, send it to her.

[NYMike]

The only place I could send it is to her sisters.I would have to find her sisters address.That may be difficult.

I also have a spare key she gave me to our storage unit.It is hers now.I wonder if I could just go there and put it in the storage unit without getting in trouble.

Any ideas WHY she is avoiding this and not coming to get these things.?

[Suzn]

Mike this situation isn't fun for sure. You have no control over what is happening except for keeping yourself safe with an OOP. Which speaks volumes about her. Judges don't hand those out for no reason.

Your take on this sounds more about not having control over what other people may think about you than anything else. It is very likely that she isn't giving this stuff of hers much thought. Or at least, not as much as you're giving it.

It's just stuff Mike. I understand you don't want it there, I totally get that however you have a legal plan of action. 60 days, send the certified letter. After that you can do what you wish with it correct?

People are going to think or say what they will, that includes her. You can't control that. You can control you, you know what happened, you know the truth. Over time anyone she is telling her tall tales to will see for themselves, if they haven't already. It hurts to think someone thinks poorly of us and especially if the reasons are skewed.

You've boxed up the stuff and stored it nicely, that speaks volumes about you. Can you leave it at that for now and get busy in other areas of your life? There's no telling what she's going to say once she gets the stuff back either so the best you can do is try to let go of your fears of what others will think.

[NYMike]

Mike this situation isn't fun for sure. You have no control over what is happening except for keeping yourself safe with an OOP. Which speaks volumes about her. Judges don't hand those out for no reason.

Your take on this sounds more about not having control over what other people may think about you than anything else. It is very likely that she isn't giving this stuff of hers much thought. Or at least, not as much as you're giving it.

It's just stuff Mike. I understand you don't want it there, I totally get that however you have a legal plan of action. 60 days, send the certified letter. After that you can do what you wish with it correct?

People are going to think or say what they will, that includes her. You can't control that. You can control you, you know what happened, you know the truth. Over time anyone she is telling her tall tales to will see for themselves, if they haven't already. It hurts to think someone thinks poorly of us and especially if the reasons are skewed.

You've boxed up the stuff and stored it nicely, that speaks volumes about you. Can you leave it at that for now and get busy in other areas of your life? There's no telling what she's going to say once she gets the stuff back either so the best you can do is try to let go of your fears of what others will think.

Makes a lot of sence.I think you are correct.I want to control how others view me because she has done a lot of damage to my character.For some reason this has hurt me deeply.Her tall tales of me have damaged me in some ways.This character assassination has caused me a lot of pain.I hate the fact she is out there playing victim and has me as the worst of the worst.That just hurts a lot that she went to this level.

As for now I have it all boxed up.I feel I have done all I could to have her get her belongings.I have the OOP till the end of March.So maybe after that I can deal with her stuff in a legal way that will not get me in trouble with the OOP.

You made a good point.Even after the stuff is gone she may continue her madness and tell more lies about Mike.I guess once these disturbed people paint you black,there is no winning this game.

[jhkbuzz]

The only place I could send it is to her sisters.I would have to find her sisters address.That may be difficult.

I also have a spare key she gave me to our storage unit.It is hers now.I wonder if I could just go there and put it in the storage unit without getting in trouble.

Any ideas WHY she is avoiding this and not coming to get these things.?

I wonder if the police would be willing to escort you there to put the stuff in storage - then you could give them the key. I don't know that this is the greatest idea, it was just a thought.

[Suzn]

I've been in your shoes and yes sir it does hurt. You're dealing with a disordered person. Or at the very least someone that is very emotionally immature. Keep in mind that people who pass on what they've heard from her or those who may believe what's being said, those people's opinions of you don't matter. What matters is your opinion of yourself. You've done all you could and that's a mature approach. It's going to be ok.

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.   

[NYMike]

I've been in your shoes and yes sir it does hurt. You're dealing with a disordered person. Or at the very least someone that is very emotionally immature. Keep in mind that people who pass on what they've heard from her or those who may believe what's being said, those people's opinions of you don't matter. What matters is your opinion of yourself. You've done all you could and that's a mature approach. It's going to be ok.

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.   

Yep.I think it's best to stay away from storage unit.In the meantime I am going to try and find the sisters house.I may have to send the stuff there Fed Ex.I will have to do this after the OOP is up.

Meanwhile I will try hard not to obsess on WHY she would leave her Mom's nice heirlooms here.It just don't make sence to me...

I am thinking it is one of her sick twisted games.She played so many of them when we together.

[jhkbuzz]

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.   

That's why I suggested a police escort. "The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer. She prolly let it go to voice mail."

It wouldn't hurt for him to ask, in order to be done with it.

[Suzn]

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.   

That's why I suggested a police escort. "The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer. She prolly let it go to voice mail."

It wouldn't hurt for him to ask, in order to be done with it.

I think you're a good friend trying to help your buddy feel better Buzz. 

This really isn't about the stuff, it's about hurt feelings and control, isn't it?

[NYMike]

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.  

That's why I suggested a police escort. "The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer. She prolly let it go to voice mail."

It wouldn't hurt for him to ask, in order to be done with it.

I think you're a good friend trying to help your buddy feel better Buzz.  

This really isn't about the stuff, it's about hurt feelings and control, isn't it?

Hurt Feelings and Control.?... .I can see some of the hurt feelings and I am wondering about the control.I see her using control by not getting these things out of here.

[jhkbuzz]

If it were me I'd stay clear of her storage unit if it's hers now. The police might frown on entering a place you're no longer supposed to have access to.   

That's why I suggested a police escort. "The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer. She prolly let it go to voice mail."

It wouldn't hurt for him to ask, in order to be done with it.

I think you're a good friend trying to help your buddy feel better Buzz. 

This really isn't about the stuff, it's about hurt feelings and control, isn't it?

I'm assuming that question was for NYMike?... .

[Suzn]

Control, as in, wanting to control what others think of us. Hurt comes with this situation as a whole, however what we were talking about was hurt created by our fears of what others think of us.

You may be right that she is using this situation as a measure of control. However, as your therapist suggested there could be other possibilities. To go immediately to assuming can cause a self inflicted wound and make us feel worse when we don't even know if there's a reason to. It allows our imagination to get the best of us.  And don't get me wrong, with the things we've witnessed, I get that that gives our imaginations plenty to work with. Been there.

[hurting300]

Yes I put my foot in my mouth.After I confronted her about her Lies,her conning me out of money and the manipulation,i snapped.

I sent a few threats vis ''text''.She used them against me.

I am thinking that she is scared of me or embarrassed to get this stuff.Or she is going to recycle me like she has done before.This stuff is very important and it was handed down from her Mother.

In Ny we have to hold this stuff for 60 days.After 60 days it is ours.

hey man don't beat yourself up. They push us and push us. I broke on my ex too. Once I started figuring it all out i blew my top.

[myself]

In Ny we have to hold this stuff for 60 days. After 60 days it is ours.

How many days until you can sell the stuff and have an "I'm Free" party?

[JRT]

It depends from state to state... .30 or 60 days in most cases,... .mine has some stuff here that I would hate myself if I got rid of (family keepsake stuff - irreplaceable and invaluable)... .its all in big pile in the corner of my basement out of sight and out of mind... .I know why she left it and why she kept a couple of things... .I am just gonna let this play itself out

[NYMike]

It depends from state to state... .30 or 60 days in most cases,... .mine has some stuff here that I would hate myself if I got rid of (family keepsake stuff - irreplaceable and invaluable)... .its all in big pile in the corner of my basement out of sight and out of mind... .I know why she left it and why she kept a couple of things... .I am just gonna let this play itself out

Same here.I don't have the heart to toss it away.I will figure something out.

[JRT]

You have a good heart and deserve far better than you got man!

[NYMike]

I received 2 texts last night and thank god I did not return them.She may have been setting me up to violate me.


So then I received a call from her.In NY when you have an OOP believe it or not,they can call you and NOT be in violation.But if I call then I am in violation.So I do not call.

So she calls me last might very very irritated.She askd me when can she come get her S----.I told her to try and calm down and it is all ready for you to get.All your stuff is packed and ready to go.It is all here neat and undamaged

She then she says that ''I'' have to be there,meaning Me.I told her that my girlfriend or best friend can be there to help you in.Or my family member.I told her I don't have to be here.

She then became very very hostile and said NO MIKE.YOU NEED TO BE THERE.!

I said the stuff is all on the breezeway and you are welcome to it and she said F--- Y---  Mike,you need to be there.Fine Mike I will call the F----G Cops.

I then fell into my anger and said.(NAME) I don't hate you nor am I angry at this point at you.But I can not be with a cocaine user that partys with her ex boyfriend.She then went into all the lies.

She then hung up on me.

My take is I am a ''trigger'' and she is still painting me black and wants to destroy me.I DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN.She is very hostile and coming off a cocaine binge.

What do you guys think.I am beginning to believe this is an attachment to me.This is why she makes a huge deal about it and goes nuts and never makes arrangements.

[Mr Hollande]

My gut reaction is why is it so important for her that you are there? Whatever she actually has in mind is anyone's guess but I would recommend you to be very careful.

[NYMike]

My gut reaction is why is it so important for her that you are there? Whatever she actually has in mind is anyone's guess but I would recommend you to be very careful.

That is what I am thinking too.WHY do I have to be here.After hearing this all play out,this woman is nothing but trouble and drama.Sounds like she has a ''plan'' for me and has it out for me.

Then again,she was always conning,lieing and calculating me during our time together.Why would this be any different.

This is her ''real'' self not the woman I met during the mirroring.

[Mr Hollande]

When I slapped my first BPD ex and she went to the police she demanded compensation. It was stupid money and she was apparently entitled. I had recently sold some property and she knew this. Whether she had planned it or not I will probably never know but it was very convenient. It goes without saying that I was a fool for doing what I did. With hindsight I could so easily have avoided that situation and it caused me no end of trouble when I didn't. That BS dragged on for a couple of years before I was truly rid of her.

It's good that you are cautious. As I said before, whatever she may have in mind is anyone's guess but more important is that whatever she is demanding you don't have to grant. She's asking you to step into a minefield with a potentially disastrous outcome. You've taken honourable discharge from her warzone and as a civilian you don't obey orders anymore. Look after yourself and be safe.

[JRT]

My opinion is that she had a reason that you needed to be there, not sure what it could have been: to reconcile, to give your a piece of her mind, to goad you into an altercation so the law would come down on you, etc. She was clearly upset that her plan could not move forward as she had envisioned. It pissed her off and eliminated a bit of power from her. That being the case, I would be interested to know what the next few days or weeks bring your way. 

[NYMike]

The next few weeks I will be ON HI ALERT.She is testing the waters with good ole NYMIKE.

I have done all I could to be civil with my EX.She has done this ''dance'' before.I am beginning to think this to her is a ''hook'' to me.

I am done with her sickness.She has had every opportunity to get her things.I may never know what is in her sick mind and her anger she carries.I do not trust her at this point and I do not trust her knowing she is back on the Cocaine.

I refuse to be here and get sucked back into this triangle/dance/drama.I have other people that can be here to help her and I trust these people.

For now the stuff is here and safe for her.The ball is in her corner and I have to remain NC and most of all stay away because of the OOP.

This is so sad how these people operate.It's crazy.

[downwhim]

Mike,

Coming from a female viewpoint, she wanted YOU there to confront YOU. She either misses you and wants to vent or she is a screwed up drug addict that I would be careful of. You do not know what she is capable of! I am sure it pissed her off when you said your girlfriend could be there. She doesn't want you to have anyone else. She wants you there to play with. That is why her stuff has remained at your house. The faster you can get that last tie to her gone, the better.

[NYMike]

Mike,

Coming from a female viewpoint, she wanted YOU there to confront YOU. She either misses you and wants to vent or she is a screwed up drug addict that I would be careful of. You do not know what she is capable of! I am sure it pissed her off when you said your girlfriend could be there. She doesn't want you to have anyone else. She wants you there to play with. That is why her stuff has remained at your house. The faster you can get that last tie to her gone, the better.

Thanks for the female point of view.

In many ways how could she not miss the only solid,sober,strong loving man that ever loved her and gave her nice things.I would think somewhere inside her she knows she tossed a good man under the bus.Then again she is back high on cocaine,so she drowns all feelings.

But I am at a point to continue NC because she is capable of destroying my 21 years sober and all I worked for to have this life I created.She lost everything in her life and has nothing to loose.I stand to loose a lot so I have to tread with CAUTION.I have also lost so much trust in her that it will prolly never come back.

The drugs,lies,manipulation,cons.cheating and betrayal nearly killed me when I woke up and realized what she was doing behind my back.

I don't see how I can ever trust her again after this.So I continue to grieve my pain and heart break.I continue to go to T and hope someday I can find healing and forgiveness.

[downwhim]

Mike, be strong, stay away. Your sobriety is more important! She is a mess and not good for you. She misses all you had to offer. I know you loved her but I think you are seeing the picture clearly now. Her lies, cheating, manipulation and drug addition is not what you need to move forward.

Proud of you, stay N/C. Try not to talk to her on the phone. Get rid of her personal items and learn you are worth being with someone honest, kind, giving and loving back.

We are all here for you. You have grown on these boards and you have lots of support

[NYMike]

Mike, be strong, stay away. Your sobriety is more important! She is a mess and not good for you. She misses all you had to offer. I know you loved her but I think you are seeing the picture clearly now. Her lies, cheating, manipulation and drug addition is not what you need to move forward.

Proud of you, stay N/C. Try not to talk to her on the phone. Get rid of her personal items and learn you are worth being with someone honest, kind, giving and loving back.

We are all here for you. You have grown on these boards and you have lots of support

Awww Thanks.I am slowly learning that I am worth more than what she handed me.

I have became aware that I have self esteem issues.I hope someday I can look in the mirror and actually believe I deserve much better than her mess of a life and what she handed me...

This has been a long painful journey.I am getting better and better each day.

[NYMike]

The one thing that hurts the most is her anger and hate towards me.I did not do anything to warrant so much hate.

She is relentless and will even make stuff up to hurt me...

[JRT]

The one thing that hurts the most is her anger and hate towards me.I did not do anything to warrant so much hate.

She is relentless and will even make stuff up to hurt me...

I hear ya man! For over 2 years, we never argued... .we never disagreed... .it was like a dream... .then one day, she up and leaves and her anger is entirely misplaced! I went WAY above and beyond the call of duty to help and support her and her son. I did things at great sacrifice and didn't care as this is what those do in a successful relationship. This was returned with an out of the blue discard and associated anger? What the heck? It would have been easier to take if there was constant acrimony instead of silence and bliss... .at least I would have seen it coming and been mentally/emotionally prepared.

Stay strong Mike.