"Stolen Time" - do BPDs unconsciously know that the R/S wont last forever?

[Maternus]

Some days ago I was reading the whole email-correspondence with my uBPDexgf throughout our relationship. I did it, because I was curios to find more evidence for my unprofessional diagnosis of BPD - and I wanted to test myself - does it trigger me? It didn't trigger me at all, but I found so much red flags I ignored, when we were together. But I found something else, maybe a hint, how BPDs see a relationship form their perspective.

My BPDexgf wrote me two emails in which she told about dreams she had. One dream was about er ex-husband, she dreamt that he is back, we have to end our relationship and all the nice things we had in this "stolen time". In the other mail she described  a dream, where I left her for some irrelevant reasons and she also used the phrase "stolen time". That was kind of a light bulb moment for me. In a mail, she wrote to me some days after the breakup - that was one of the few moments, she told me about the reasons, why she had to leave me - she wrote about my replacement and their affair before the breakup. She told me during the breakup, that she didn't have sex with my replacement. I wrote her, that I don't believe it. No family father would leave his wife and kids for a woman he never had sex with. She answered to me "It was just talk during some walks through the forest - no opportunity to have sex. It was just stolen time, some stolen moments in the forest."

I don't care any more if they had sex or not. But her talk of "stolen time" seems to be interesting. Is this a hint how BPDs see a relationship or the honeymoon-phase? It's all just stolen time, that will soon be over? Do they unconsciously know, that their feelings wont last?

[Tim300]

It seems like by their mid 30s, they must know.  Maybe before then they aren't fully aware and they are really trying to make things work.

[Trog]

I think they know. If i look back over the last 7 years I can see it was only myself investing in the relationship. I was always spending my money jointly and her not, just buying things that later she could take away. For example, she never paid any mortgage, rent, council tax, bills but bought furniture and tangible things, so that when it ended, she got all her return back and all my investment was in living expenses.

Even though we were married, when she got money, like an inheritance, should would "invest it" in her sisters properties! At the time I found this quite disrespectful of our own marriage and little family but as I saw her money as "hers" I didn't give it as much credence as I should have. Basically I was "all in" and lending her chips to sit at the table while she was stacking hers somewhere else and talking a great game.

All this means that financially, I have spent 6 figures on her, which she counts as zero, and any last thing she ever bought, she tots up and believes I owe her. This makes me furious. Her entitled nature is the absolute worst thing about BPD.

[Popcorn71]

I think my xBPDh expected our marriage to end at some point.  He said things like 'If we split up I would like to think that after a few years I could knock on your door and if you were single, we could give it another go'.

I thought it was weird to talk like that but didn't take much notice.  I think he was actually planning ahead though.

[Maternus]

I think my xBPDh expected our marriage to end at some point.  He said things like 'If we split up I would like to think that after a few years I could knock on your door and if you were single, we could give it another go'.

I thought it was weird to talk like that but didn't take much notice.  I think he was actually planning ahead though.

My uBPDex said to me "I don't bump you out. You can stay here in our house, but you you have to accept that "he" (my replacement) will show up here." She was triangulating before it really ended or begun.

[Inside]

Is this a hint how BPDs see a relationship or the honeymoon-phase? It's all just stolen time, that will soon be over? Do they unconsciously know, that their feelings wont last?

I think there’s a very short timespan during ideation in which they’ve actually convinced themselves that ‘this it,’ the love that’s always eluded them.  But it’s extremely short lived…  And incapable of learning or growing, they instantly revert to a self preservation mode that totally excludes our best interests, efforts or affection. 

While we remain in an adoration mode of our own, constantly feeding their ego - glowing with self-worth, while internally acknowledging their newly suspected demise with us, they instinctively cultivate our replacement…

The “stolen time” is at our expense ... .which likely feeds their accumulated gilt … 

[BorisAcusio]

It seems like by their mid 30s, they must know.  Maybe before then they aren't fully aware and they are really trying to make things work.

Interesting thread. Still in the idealization stage, my ex once told me she's so sad that it's going to end one day. She looked genuinely sorrowful and almost cried while telling me. Deep down, she knew what's going to happen.

[SlyQQ]

Most of them consciously know it, not sure how many of them unconciously know it

[parisian]

Maternus my exBPDgf consciously knew it wouldn't last.

She outright said to me at the start, I can't be in a long-term relationship. Stupidly I did not even at the time, ask why she would think that.

She made some off-hand comment to me early on also, about 'if you'll stay'. Clearly intending that in her view, she did not think I would stay long in the r/s.

If they are diagnosed, or if they are high-functioning and have some degree of self-awareness, then they know how these things go. They know they can't control the illness and at some point it will come out and that most people can't cope.

She also made positive, but kind of sad statements (in hindsight): 'I don't know how I managed to end up with someone like you', and on our first recycle: 'the person that ends up with you will be the luckiest person in the world'.

[Leaving]

I think that they subconsciously sabotage the relationship in an effort to prove they are 'bad'-  sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy taught to them in childhood.  I believe there is a part of them that so desperately wants to be loved but they can't ' go there' because it's too painful for them to imagine losing it.  There will always be a push-pull, push-pull.  My husband, mother and grandmother were like that.   It always seemed so bizarre that the nicer I was, the more attentive and loving I was, the more ugly and distant they would become.  It was a no win because if I was aloof, they would get mad and accuse me of being selfish and uncaring but if I invested my heart, I got screwed as well. 

I used to do the most thoughtful things for my husband and he would punish me so severely for days after.  I think he hated feeling guilty that he couldn't be the type of person that I was.  I think it triggered so much discomfort in him that he had to lash out at me in order to justify his cold heart.

[Inside]

If they are diagnosed, or if they are high-functioning and have some degree of self-awareness, then they know how these things go. They know they can't control the illness and at some point it will come out and that most people can't cope.

My BPx was high-functioning, and I think you nailed it.  

Still in the idealization stage, my ex once told me she's so sad that it's going to end one day. She looked genuinely sorrowful and almost cried while telling me. Deep down, she knew what's going to happen.

I found my uBPDxgf sobbing in bed one Sunday morning, “I’m no good for you,” she said.  “I’ll only hurt you.”  So as I ‘convinced her’ that we’d make it work ... .she knew.

I used to do the most thoughtful things for my husband and he would punish me so severely for days after.  I think he hated feeling guilty that he couldn't be the type of person that I was.  I think it triggered so much discomfort in him that he had to lash out at me in order to justify his cold heart.

I still feel there’s a smidgen of time in which they’ve convinced themselves it’s going to work.  When that’s up, there’s nothing we can do to bring it back…  In a way, the shame was shifted to me - ‘if she only know how much i loved her, things would be right again’ - so I kept trying ... .but little did I know, it wasn’t me…  

[fred6]

Is this a hint how BPDs see a relationship or the honeymoon-phase? It's all just stolen time, that will soon be over? Do they unconsciously know, that their feelings wont last?

I think there’s a very short timespan during ideation in which they’ve actually convinced themselves that ‘this it,’ the love that’s always eluded them.  But it’s extremely short lived…  And incapable of learning or growing, they instantly revert to a self preservation mode that totally excludes our best interests, efforts or affection. 

While we remain in an adoration mode of our own, constantly feeding their ego - glowing with self-worth, while internally acknowledging their newly suspected demise with us, they instinctively cultivate our replacement…

The “stolen time” is at our expense ... .which likely feeds their accumulated gilt … 

I think my ex knows. I can tell you how many times she said "Most guys don't last 4 months with me".

[Popcorn71]

She also made positive, but kind of sad statements (in hindsight): 'I don't know how I managed to end up with someone like you', and on our first recycle: 'the person that ends up with you will be the luckiest person in the world'.

My xBPDh said these statements too.  Looking ahead, he obviously didn't see us together forever.

[JRT]

It seems like by their mid 30s, they must know.  Maybe before then they aren't fully aware and they are really trying to make things work.

Mine is 44... .has no clue except that she 'sucks at relationships'.

[Recooperating]

Mine would also tell me about dreams where I left him or was with another man. He'd actuallt rage at me for doing that in his dream! Eeerrrr

When I left he said: "I knew you would do this!" Made me feel awefull, but I kept walking!

I guess they know... .

[Restored2]

Mine told me near the very start of us dating that our relationship seemed like a fairy tale and felt too good to be true, as I treated her like a princess. 

Then she asked me if I really thought our relationship could last long term.  I responded with a definite "yes", affirming that I was not in this for a short term run.  She continued on by asking how it could be possible to sustain a romantic love spark in a long term relationship.  This seemed like an odd question.  I responded by saying that all romantic relationships require work and nurturing in order to keep any romantic love sparks alive.  It's not an automatic pilot kind of thing.  She responded with a disconnected acknowledgment as though she was baffled and not quite convinced of how that could ever be possible.  Guess that may have been one of my first red flags that I should never have ignored. 

Prior to her sudden and abrupt run away breakup she inquired of me as though in total amazement about me truly giving her my entire heart.  Upon which I gave her an affirmative "yes".  She gave me another disconnected baffled look of acknowledgment as though I was a fool.  She had told me before that she has given me her heart, but that she just takes it back from time to time.  Hindsight is 20/20. 

Apparently we were on different sides of the fence from each other.     

[myself]

When I left he said: "I knew you would do this!"

I guess they know... .

They know because they make it happen.

It's not a crystal ball, it's disordered patterns.

Some people are just too deeply harmful to stay with.

[myself]

Also, 'stolen' time sounds like a crime is being committed.

As if there's an acknowledgement of knowing right from wrong.

And then going ahead and doing the 'wrong' thing anyway.

[Ripped Heart]

I think my xBPDh expected our marriage to end at some point.  He said things like 'If we split up I would like to think that after a few years I could knock on your door and if you were single, we could give it another go'.

I thought it was weird to talk like that but didn't take much notice.  I think he was actually planning ahead though.

My exN/BPDw said something along the same lines. The night she dropped the divorce on me (replacement in line) she said that she would like to think that one day we could meet up again and get remarried then live happily ever after.

What that told me was she had never foresaw a future with replacement.

[Earthbayne]

My ex is 38 now.

But at the time, at age 36/37, she dropped a TON of "hints" on me that she knew that people were only in "passing" in her life. At the time, I thought she was being ridiculous. The fact that she had a best friend threw me off. (Now I realize, her best friend was her best friend because it was long distance).

But she did say:

"I'm a commitment-phobe."

"I will never marry."

"You won't be patient, just like all the others who left me."

"I feel like I am only in people's lives to improve them and then I am no longer in their lives."

NOW it makes perfect sense. She DID know, it was I who wasn't prepared for that. I didn't know. All the signs were there. I think by a certain age, they realize that their life is such that no one is going to stick around long enough, but usually they see it as other people abandoning them, not because there is something wrong with them.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It seems like by their mid 30s, they must know.  Maybe before then they aren't fully aware and they are really trying to make things work.

Mine is 44... .has no clue except that she 'sucks at relationships'.

Mine is 46 and has no idea she sucks at relationships. Her first husband was evil. I was a woman (really, that was her excuse after 9.5 yrs of why we couldn't stay together & her only one). I'm sure whoever the man she is with now is going to be evil at some point too. Unfortunate for him, I'm sure he may not realize it yet.

[fred6]

My ex is 38 now.

But at the time, at age 36/37, she dropped a TON of "hints" on me that she knew that people were only in "passing" in her life. At the time, I thought she was being ridiculous. The fact that she had a best friend threw me off. (Now I realize, her best friend was her best friend because it was long distance).

But she did say:

"I'm a commitment-phobe."

"I will never marry."

"You won't be patient, just like all the others who left me."

"I feel like I am only in people's lives to improve them and then I am no longer in their lives."

NOW it makes perfect sense. She DID know, it was I who wasn't prepared for that. I didn't know. All the signs were there. I think by a certain age, they realize that their life is such that no one is going to stick around long enough, but usually they see it as other people abandoning them, not because there is something wrong with them.

My ex was a commitment phobe and also said that she'll never get married. That may have changed with new supply, but probably not. After it's all over, it's hard to know what to believe as part of the BPD cycle and what were just plain lies.

I would have stuck around for her. All she had to do was not cheat on me and throw me a crumb every once in a while and show me a little attention/affection/intimacy. In the end she couldn't do those two simple things. And that's why I think that she knew it wouldn't last.