3 more attempts and another message.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Three phone calls went to my voicemail from my exuBPDgf again this morning. Two of them she just hung up and the other was a message, she said--just wanted to talk and see if you were okay, you must be dealing with personal stuff and I hope things get better.

Anybody that has followed or knows about my story knows how much I really care about this person as well as how much she has hurt me, I wish there was something I could do to convince her to get help, for anybody else wondering Who is just broken up I find and totally feel that NC unfortunately is the most helpful thing you can do, I do urge anyone who is in LC in a postbreakup situation without children or financial ties to just go NC. And this message just like the last one is a reason why, your ex may go out on dates, be promiscuous, all of these things that you do not want to hear about but their life is totally empty, if you are convinced that you were the one and you are struggling with that then go NC and find out!  I have been NC now for 50 days and I know I meant a lot to her, but I am still not breaking NC!

I feel right now I am helping her the best I can, no matter what she is doing she does not have me diverting her attention from what she has done to me by continued useless arguing and she has to sit with herself and face the fact that my NC is a direct result of her actions! She knows exactly why I am not talking to her and has to think about that every day.  If she is ever going to get help she has to recognise her actions and become accountable for them, my NC is doing that perfectly right now! Look at what she just tried to say to me-- HI, I really need to talk, I am going through so much personally and I need you to help make it better, I hope you break down and talk to me because it will make it better.-- 

[Targeted]

Three phone calls went to my voicemail from my exuBPDgf again this morning. Two of them she just hung up and the other was a message, she said--just wanted to talk and see if you were okay, you must be dealing with personal stuff and I hope things get better.

Anybody that has followed or knows about my story knows how much I really care about this person as well as how much she has hurt me, I wish there was something I could do to convince her to get help, for anybody else wondering Who is just broken up I find and totally feel that NC unfortunately is the most helpful thing you can do, I do urge anyone who is in LC in a postbreakup situation without children or financial ties to just go NC. And this message just like the last one is a reason why, your ex may go out on dates, be promiscuous, all of these things that you do not want to hear about but their life is totally empty, if you are convinced that you were the one and you are struggling with that then go NC and find out!  I have been NC now for 50 days and I know I meant a lot to her, but I am still not breaking NC!

I feel right now I am helping her the best I can, no matter what she is doing she does not have me diverting her attention from what she has done to me by continued useless arguing and she has to sit with herself and face the fact that my NC is a direct result of her actions! She knows exactly why I am not talking to her and has to think about that every day.  If she is ever going to get help she has to recognise her actions and become accountable for them, my NC is doing that perfectly right now! Look at what she just tried to say to me-- HI, I really need to talk, I am going through so much personally and I need you to help make it better, I hope you break down and talk to me because it will make it better.-- 

[Targeted]

Just venting because I really feel like responding with something like-- thank you, things are getting better but I just do not want to talk to somebody Who did to me what you did, sorry!

Stating NC though

[Rifka]

Just venting because I really feel like responding with something like-- thank you, things are getting better but I just do not want to talk to somebody Who did to me what you did, sorry!

Stating NC though

Stay strong for yourself. Contact would change nothing but setting you back to day 1 again!

[JRT]

Sorry you are going through this T... .I forget, how long has it been since your b/u?

Tell me, are you committed to never speaking with her ever?

[Infared]

Just venting because I really feel like responding with something like-- thank you, things are getting better but I just do not want to talk to somebody Who did to me what you did, sorry!

Stating NC though

REMEMBER... .she is sick. Any contact is a win for her. Any.  I changed my phone number... .after I put on my big-boy pants and realized that actually meant that I was REALLY cutting it off.  It was a moment of maturity and self-honesty.  Then I was SURE that she was not going to have anymore power over me... .while she was sleeping with someone else every night.  Within a couple of days... .it was VERY empowering for me in moving on as I realized that "I" had taken a step to do something that I never wanted to do. (in my heart I loved her)... .but given what I was dished... it was the only way that I could love me. The only way.  The situation before that was just not tenable. She was controlling my emotions and she knew it. It had to stop and I had to stop it.

[JRT]

Question for your Infrared:

Two things seem typical of BPD relationships that I have read about here and it seems that both are true of you and Targeted... .1) infidelity and 2) sustained hurtful arguments. Of course there are other signs and behaviors of which you likely have plenty to talk about. My question is this: if those two were not present, would you in fact still speak with her? Answer her calls and respond to emails and texts?

[Targeted]

Question for your Infrared:

Two things seem typical of BPD relationships that I have read about here and it seems that both are true of you and Targeted... .1) infidelity and 2) sustained hurtful arguments. Of course there are other signs and behaviors of which you likely have plenty to talk about. My question is this: if those two were not present, would you in fact still speak with her? Answer her calls and respond to emails and texts?

I broke up with her July 3, argued through text and email until December 1 and went NC!

To answer your question, yes!  If she could at least give me Fidelity I would talk to her still because that would take away most of the arguments!  She cant even do that one simple thing!

[Jmanster]

I am 17 days no contact... .and I feel like if my ex were to text, nope, CALL me, and leave a voicemail with an apology and recognize the fact that she has messed up, i will consider responding... .However, I cannot get back with her... .I can meet her for lunch... .and if she pleads me to go back to her I will only consider it with two contingencies... .1. She seeks help and we go to couples counseling. 2. She admits that she has done bad things that caused lots of depression for me, because I have always admitted to my wrong doings and apologized for them; she hasn't. She has to tell me that what she did to me was not right... .These are two things that I know 99.999% that she will not do, but if she does I will consider going back to her... .Whenever someone seeks help to improve themselves I always give them another chance. But I am NOT going to wait for her... .I will continue dating and living my life as happy as can be and you should to.

[JRT]

Incredible... .so sorry to hear that you are going through this... .I have not heard yet of a breakup dragging along via text for so long... .how frustrating... .I asked my question for selfish reasons as mine was faithful and we didn't argue or experience tumult... .

[Targeted]

I am 17 days no contact... .and I feel like if my ex were to text, nope, CALL me, and leave a voicemail with an apology and recognize the fact that she has messed up, i will consider responding... .However, I cannot get back with her... .I can meet her for lunch... .and if she pleads me to go back to her I will only consider it with two contingencies... .1. She seeks help and we go to couples counseling. 2. She admits that she has done bad things that caused lots of depression for me, because I have always admitted to my wrong doings and apologized for them; she hasn't. She has to tell me that what she did to me was not right... .These are two things that I know 99.999% that she will not do, but if she does I will consider going back to her... .Whenever someone seeks help to improve themselves I always give them another chance. But I am NOT going to wait for her... .I will continue dating and living my life as happy as can be and you should to.

This is where I am at, and I am not holding much hope for the .01% chance I will get a apology and her get help, but I would not accept just couples counselling, she would have to admit she has a problem emotionally and go find out when it is put it on the table and deal with it!  Along with a brand-new STD test!  Do you think are borderline has the chance of beating the 99.99% odds?  Anything is possible! 

[Targeted]

Sorry infared,

I see now that you said she must get help!

[Jmanster]

Ok so here is the thing... .I never lose faith in a human being, because beyond the brain, there is a soul... .I feel like a person can really change if they want... .regarding my ex... .she does not KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!. She is an actress in big hollywood films and yet she lives in sketchy neighborhood and is absolutely ludicrous about spending money... .I asked her what her resolutions were for New Years, she said I DON'T KNOW... .I asked her what are you doing today (At the time) she replied with I DON'T KNOW! I asked her is she is going to start teaching music and acting, she said she would and it has been her dream, two months ago, then when I asker she said I DON'T KNOW... .Do you want to be my girlfriend (Post Break Up) she replied I DON'T KNOW... .FU*CK your I Don't knows and make a damn decision... .I am 22 and you are 24 and how is it I know what I want you don't? GROW UP! This is their disorder... .they don't know what they want and they take advantage of something that pops up in their life that is special... .Like me! I broke up with her in July because she would pull massive mood swings on me and ignore me for no reason... .she would constantly do this! I did it sometimes too but I would talk to her about it... .Then I thought I made a mistake and tried to get back to her two days after the breakup and she just played mind games and supplying me with false hope... .Let them admit to their mistakes and seek treatment... .but if she contacts you and agree to meet her, get your boundaries set up, write them down on a piece of paper if you need to. This is the biggest lesson I have learned so far in my life... .BOUNDARIES and how to read red flags!

[Infared]

Question for your Infrared:

Two things seem typical of BPD relationships that I have read about here and it seems that both are true of you and Targeted... .1) infidelity and 2) sustained hurtful arguments. Of course there are other signs and behaviors of which you likely have plenty to talk about. My question is this: if those two were not present, would you in fact still speak with her? Answer her calls and respond to emails and texts?

Absolutely not. She was cheating on me with another man while she was living with me. She lied about it then. She lies about it now and forever I guess. (YES... there are many many more reasons that I would not talk to her ever again.). The number one being: if I am loving me ... .I do not have a conversation with someone who is mentally ill, who lied to me and cheated on me and ran off with another man while lying to him about the status of our relationship. She continually lies. She has never admitted to any of her behavior and has not apologized for any of it. She never will.

I do not argue. There are no arguments.  I just cannot talk to someone in any form (text, phone or online in any manifestation) who fu@ked another man while she was living with me and refuses to admit it to me. With a lie that big at the front end of the conversation there is no point in talking to this person who will willingly just telling lie after lie after lie. If I love me, why would I subject myself to that behavior?    There can be no sustained hurtful arguments when I do not talk to a person who begins every conversation with everyone that they come into contact with with a lie.  She lies to, misleads and manipulates everyone she has in her life, me, him, her mother, her father, her step mother, her step father, her therapist, her one friend... .and I am sure anyone (a stranger etc.) anyone... she meets ... .she opens her mouth and starts lying.    She is tall and pretty and smart... .and EVERYONE believes her lies. So no... .I do not talk to her.

All that being said... .I miss the time (5 years) that I lived with her. It is pretty sick and twisted.

I think that this is pretty normal behavior for women with BPD. It is VERY hard to accept this outcome after you have been lead down a path and find out long after what you went through that the person is most likely mentally ill.

[Infared]

Also... at this point... .I have no idea what this person would want to talk to me about. She married new supply. If she is with him in public and she sees me, they act out in ways that they think are hurtful to me (at this point they just look foolish!).  If she is alone in public... she tries to walk up to me... .just like we were still together and nothing ever changed?  Completely opposite behavior of how she acts if she is with her husband.  ?

I never allow it. I bolt. I just cannot talk to her.  Although I would love to know the psychotic conversation that is in her head that she thinks she is about to have with me.  I am sure that I would find it to be PRICELESS. (and painful)

LOL!