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Author Topic: Moving on after she took her life  (Read 786 times)
Aerial

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
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« on: January 21, 2015, 01:40:00 AM »

It's been some time since I last posted here. My attorney was close to bringing the children into safety, when my uBPDw took her own life. The children are luckily unharmed and seem to be doing very well (they see there own counselors). They are with me.

I've managed to keep my head above water. I knew my children would need me after what happened, so I've done everything I needed to do to offer them safety and security. I have moved closer to my in-laws, because I have better support there.

I am trying to move on, but there are so many questions and thoughts going through my mind. It didn't come to me at first, but the suicide note she left was saying she felt abandoned. Abandoned by me, others, the world... .And that kind of hurts, how could she think of me that way. If nothing else, I have tried to save her the best I could!

Also, some of the accusations she made were extreme and have no factual ground, and people believed her! I have two counselors telling me that their actions are not rational with BPD (as with other mental illnesses), but still it's difficult to accept what made her motivate to act this way and fully believe in it too. And her believes and accusations have changed over time.

With all these accusations, I have a strong feeling to not look any further in what really motivated her, hold on to the good memories and move on. I most likely will not find anything good.

I have tried to give her perspective, something to look forward to and made sure we were in it together. But in the end she always returned to where we started. I really felt for her: I could see the emotional struggle in her mind, not sure if she should scream, punch or just run away.

After all this, I do feel a great comfort in knowing she's at peace now.

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Rise
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2015, 03:07:15 AM »

Aerial, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and your family.
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Recooperating
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2015, 05:02:19 AM »

I am so sorry to hear this and my deepest symphaties for you and your family. I hope you and your children will find peace and will do well eventually. This scenario has been my biggest fear in my rs with my dBPDex. I can not imagine what you must be going through.

Sending you hugs and strenght in this difficult time.

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Hutsepotmetworst
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2015, 05:26:19 AM »

I wish you and your kids all the strength in the world.

Big hug 
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Whitebread

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Relationship status: Formerly living together, free 3 weeks
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« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2015, 08:02:14 AM »

How terrible for you all, my heart goes out to you.  Such a horrible, horrible disorder. 

As we're all learning, we simply cannot save them from themselves and feeling like there should have been more you could have done is perfectly normal survivor's guilt.   We can't fix this, every single one dealing with it wishes with all our hearts that we could make them whole and healthy, but we simply cannot. :'(

As you said, there is comfort that she has attained peace at last, and your care and love of your children --and theirs for you --will hopefully help you all heal.

Wishing you and your family peace and strength.
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rj47
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Relationship status: Divorced after 30 years. Still care, but moved on.
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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2015, 09:36:02 AM »

Aerial,

Your story... .my nightmare. I'm so sorry... .I really am sorry.

My BPDw has attempted suicide a few times. She uses it to manipulate and threaten. She writes letters accusing me of awful untruths to our grown children and her family. I am planning to leave very soon. I can no longer live this anxiety riddled fearful life that is killing me slowly. My last child is leaving soon and I'm terrified of living alone with her. She's violent during episodes; destroying the house and attacking me and I'm afraid of living alone with her. Two of my kids have said she won't make it without me and will likely end her life.

Did you have similar concerns before leaving? What did you do to overcome it?

I know the act of someone saying you deserted them stings knowing they killed themselves Was there more you could have done while she was alive? Maybe; but at the loss of your own life?

I've done the best I could for decades trying to overcome the push and pull they subject us to. Was it my very best? Who knows. I always failed. Always. And tortured myself for it. Affairs, drug abuse, verbal abuse, beatings.  Cycle after cycle of devaluation and abuse; then reconciliation and idealization knowing it would soon end, then calm fr a few days o week before the cycle restarted.

When is it enough to say... .I cannot possibly be responsible for that person's actions?

I'm angry to read you post but I get it entirely. God bless you... .I hope you get over it.
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"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain."
Silveron
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« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2015, 01:58:09 PM »

Aerial,

  I am so sorry for the loss.  I don't think we could imagine the turmoil they fight within' themselves on a daily basis.  What we experience from them is only a fraction of the strife they deal with internally.

  I can understand where you are coming from about the guilt.  During a session with our psychologist, she told me that even though my wife is abusive and pushes me away, that if I were to actually leave and end the marriage, there is a high chance she would kill herself.

  I guess maybe because they were taught any emotion is bad emotion that ending their life could be a viable answer.  Just please try not to let this affect your own self-worth.  You did not cause this, in the end this was her decision.  And honestly a lot of people who make this choice really don't want to die, they just want to escape the demons within' themselves and do not know how to accomplish this.

  Prayers to you all.
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saintjude

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« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2015, 02:23:20 PM »

I am so terribly sorry. I have no words. I can't imagine the grief you're feeling in a tragedy like this. My prayers are with you and your family.
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downwhim
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2015, 02:58:12 PM »

My prayers go out to you and your family as you try and find comfort in the days ahead. May you find strength and peace.  
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ReluctantSurvivor
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2015, 09:24:48 PM »

 

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  BPD is a viscous illness.  I wen't above and beyond for my dBPDx and in the end she still had a horrible, distorted, hateful view of me.  You seem to be doing well as can be from what you say but I know in my case there are times when the mean things said are haunting.  Don't take it to heart.  Do take heart in your beautiful children, the memories of the happy times and like you said that she is at peace.  It is a rocky road, all I have faced is a break-up with so much less but I know how hard and deep my own feelings have run just working through that.  It is good that you have moved closer to family and have professional councilors to help with the grieving, processing and healing process.

  It takes a vibrant and beautiful heart to persist for any length of time with someone with the kind of internal pain that a pwBPD suffers.  So you have a greatness to have had the time you shared.   I wish you and your family only the best things in working through this.  Keep your head up when you can, cry and feel pain when you need to.  We are all here to listen and do what we can to support you and your family.   
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Angry obsessive thoughts about another weaken your state of mind and well being. If you must have revenge, then take it by choosing to be happy and let them go forever.
― Gary Hopkins
Tibbles
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« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2015, 11:05:02 PM »

I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. It is a terrible disease. Your kids are lucky to have you to help them through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. x x x x
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Aerial

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
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« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2015, 11:40:17 PM »

Thank you all for your sympathies and prayers. It has been a roller coaster ride, and in particular the last year the rides have become more and more out of control. I've tried so, so many times to put the cart back on track. Some of her suicide attempts were really graphic too. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think this most likely would have happened one way or another. And like my counselor told me, we don't know in how much pain she was and how emotionally damaged she was. She may have pulled us all down, or even further than she has done.

Looking back, I can see the situation changing after the honeymoon phase and I can see some of the traits even before our marriage. Though I didn't realize she had BPD traits until recently. It maybe a cliche, but I think love does make people blind. And because of that love, I would do it all over again. My counselor too was surprised we were still married. I still feel it's honor to have been a part of her life for over 8 years.

Right now, I'm not entirely sure what I am looking for. Is it forgiveness for not being able to help her? Is it the idea she might snap out of this frame of mind and walk through the front door? I'm sure that will come to me in time. It's hard to blame her for her illness and her sudden volatile behavior. Though I have a few psychologist, including my counselor, tell me some of what she did is definitely planned.

I believe having a good counselor (I changed mine for this process) and also a family law attorney to get the stress off from the legal issues has helped me a lot to get through all of this. I would advice anyone going through any of this to have at least a counselor to help you through this.

Anyway, thank you again for your support!
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Perfidy
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Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
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« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2015, 11:52:14 PM »

The entire universe is beyond our control, even the smallest parts of it. Aerial, whatever happens is exactly what's meant to happen. It's always been all right, it's alright now, and it will continue to be all right. If I hadn't lost my religion I would pray. The best I can do is stay positive and spread love.
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Aerial

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« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2015, 12:52:01 AM »

Aerial,

Your story... .my nightmare. I'm so sorry... .I really am sorry.

My BPDw has attempted suicide a few times. She uses it to manipulate and threaten. She writes letters accusing me of awful untruths to our grown children and her family. I am planning to leave very soon. I can no longer live this anxiety riddled fearful life that is killing me slowly. My last child is leaving soon and I'm terrified of living alone with her. She's violent during episodes; destroying the house and attacking me and I'm afraid of living alone with her. Two of my kids have said she won't make it without me and will likely end her life.

Did you have similar concerns before leaving? What did you do to overcome it?

I know the act of someone saying you deserted them stings knowing they killed themselves Was there more you could have done while she was alive? Maybe; but at the loss of your own life?

I've done the best I could for decades trying to overcome the push and pull they subject us to. Was it my very best? Who knows. I always failed. Always. And tortured myself for it. Affairs, drug abuse, verbal abuse, beatings.  Cycle after cycle of devaluation and abuse; then reconciliation and idealization knowing it would soon end, then calm fr a few days o week before the cycle restarted.

When is it enough to say... .I cannot possibly be responsible for that person's actions?

I'm angry to read you post but I get it entirely. God bless you... .I hope you get over it.

rj47,

First of all, I am sorry you are going though this. My uBPDw became very volatile, and even said she had no control over her actions anymore during the last explosions. I ended up going home from work or work from home 2-3 times a week in the last months, to stabilize the situation and take over the care for the children.

She is responsible for her own actions, but it is difficult to hold on to your boundaries. Whenever I told my wife she was crossing the line, it backfired at me and suddenly she told everyone I didn't care about her anymore and therefor I was cheating on her. Completely irrational, but it was real to her.

I found the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy very helpful in understanding what to expect if you decide to leave or start up a legal action.

Prayers to you!
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PullToEject

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« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2015, 03:41:12 AM »

Aerial - I know exactly what you are going through.  My ex-BPDgf took her life on Dec. 5th.  Although I know after 3 years of knowing her this was always her ultimate exit strategy, running her life into the ground and checking out, I struggle with it every day.  Do NOT feel guilty, we have to accept that there was not going to be a happy ending.  There just wasn't.

I tried to help her the best I could, like trying to teach a drowning woman to swim while hoping another boat will come along to save her.  Many times she asked me "do you love me as I am?"  and I did, I really really did.  She was hard to tolerate, but easy to love.  I think it is WONDERFUL that you say that you were honored to be part of her life for 8 years.  They don't want to be the way they are, they don't.  We did the best we could.

The weeks before she overdosed on prescription pills were happy, like a burden had been lifted.  Let them come for me, I won't be here when they get here (she got a DUI and was in trouble with the IRS) - but she said this months before.  She had mentioned Robin Williams in the car the week before, I didn't want to talk about him and changed the subject.  I think he gave her the courage to go through with it.  In the end she died in her sleep, like she wanted to go, like we'd all like to go when the time comes.  Aerial - I absolutely believe they are at peace, finally let go of the weight they struggled to carry for so long. 

Not sure how old your kids are - my ex's son that lived with her is 22 - feel so so bad for him.  But also feel like he's free.  BPD weighs on everyone.  He's living with his dad now, and hope he gets to live his life.  Man, I hope you and the kids get to live your lives too.  We carry this BPD weight even though they are gone, we got to lay it down, get back to living life.  So much of my life has been worrying about her day in and day out. 

Wish the best for you and feel free to msg me if you want to talk.



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LimboFL
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« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2015, 05:49:15 PM »

Hi Arial,

What a heartbreaking story. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through.

This is very reason so many of us have loved and stayed in our relationships, because if you were viewing your relationship with your partner through unselfish lenses, you had to have seen what they were going through and the struggle they endured to get through the day.

I believe that they do love and that they do feel guilty for the stress they inflict. I watched my exBPDgf break down after she had been very mean to my son. I also had her come to me one day and tell me that her mind wasn't working right and that she couldn't control her negative emotions towards my son, that she hated feeling like that. It nearly broke me.

I am relieved to hear that you do not feel guilt, because you shouldn't but in the midst of my own heartache, your oh so painful story should be a reminder to us all that our partners are people who went through very real and horrible childhoods, that they feel and that their minds do nothing but play tricks on them, something that none of us could begin to imagine living with every day.

Most of us here, are so because we felt their pain and wanted to be the rock that they could hold onto, the one person that wouldn't let them down when so many others had. I hear people speak of coming out of the FOG and how they feel so different. I believe that we non's should consider this as being similar to what our partners go through day in and day out. One minute in the FOG, the next free. How liberating it is for them, unfortunately though, we are still in the picture. Their minds change like ours do after months of ruminating on the past, but theirs turn on a dime, in the present and part of their self loathing comes from the fact that they have lucid moments where they think back on all of the pain their other selves have inflicted on people they love and care about. I can't imagine how hard that is.

I just believe that what Arial and Pulltoeject have suffered should be a reminder to us that while we may be on the receiving end, that our partners and ex partners live guilt and pain that we can't even being to understand.

It is all crushingly sad. How I wish that I could have found the woman inside my exBPD. how wonderful that would have been.

My heart goes out to you both and I wish you strength to endure.

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