Our challenging daughter

[golfball]

Hello!  This is my first post I think on any message board.  We have a daughter who is 17 years old and we have been told she has BPD.  She was been in and out of a couple of "hospitals".  We first noticed symptoms when she was 11 or 12.  For the last year she has been living at a therapeutic boarding school.  We are very scared what is going to happen to her when she turns 18.  We feel very "alone" and just want to try to do everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tim300]

 

What prompted her hospital visits?  What symptoms did you notice at 11 and 12?  Is she planning on going away for college? 

[golfball]

The first hospital visit was a result of us being scared she might injure her younger brother.  She was very angry about something and my wife decided something drastic needed to be done for his safety.  The 2nd hospitalization was a result of her slapping me in the face.  She was intoxicated at the time and in the ER as a result of her drinking in excess.  College is the "big question."  She is incredibly bright and made a 31 on her ACT.  Obviously, she has been accepted to multiple universities and awarded scholarships.  However, she thinks that she would prefer to "take a year off" and enjoy the things she hasn't been able to do since we "sent her away" to a boarding school.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, golfball & I'd like to join Tim300 in welcoming you to this site  

So the Therapeutic Boarding School hasn't helped your daughter learn how to deal with her anger issues? Has it helped her at all with her drinking problems? Did she get a handle on what her problems are, where they come from, and how to handle them? Did the Boarding School teach her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or other ways to calm herself when she gets dysregulated? Was she actually diagnosed with BPD?

I'm wondering if she is any different at all from before going there? Have you seen any tiny little changes (TLCs) for the better at all?  One thing I know about my own (now adult) son with BPD: if I thought he needed to do something very important, telling him he had to do it, or pressuring him in any way, pretty much caused him to rebel and not do what it was I thought was best for him. When I sensed that he was negative about something he should do, if I gave him time to think it through and didn't pressure him, he was more likely to do the right thing. Is your daughter like that?

If you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, and read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, you will get a really insightful look into how your daughter's mind works, and some of the communication techniques that can make things better between the two of you... .And it can help her in her recovery, too  

[jellibeans]

golfball

I am sorry you are struggling with your dd and I know how frustrating it is to see her taking a different path than you had envisioned for her. I have to agree with Rapt that pushing college on someone that doesn't want to go is not to going to end up well for anyone concerned. I also wonder if college is the right place for her with her given drinking problem. I would like to get more background information from you and see what your answer are to the questions Rapt posted.

I encourage you to read the articles here... .they have helped me a great deal and has helped me communicate better with my dd17.

I am interested to know what your dd plans on doing with her year off school? I do think a year off can be useful and if boundaries are put in place it can be a realy learning experience for your dd. If she doesn't want to attend school then I think I would insist that she have a full time job. I might even ask for rent for living at my home if that is her plan. Giving her the taste of the real world might be the eye opener she needs to help her plan for her future.

[SlyQQ]

Basically agree with jellibeans the best way to bring them closer is to let them go ( push them away ) keep your fingers crossed and be ready to pick up the pieces the only way they learn is to make mistakes ( unfortunately they can be huge with BPD ) but you are delaying the inevitable hopefully eventually they will take steps themselves to get better but you really cant force them ( control is something they HATE!) to do anything ( MY BPD step daughter turned 18 dec 30 despite getting As she cracked an couldnt do her final exams )

[golfball]

I do think the boarding school has helped her.  However, I don't think it really provided a lot of intense therapy.  They did not do DBT.  My wife will remember better than me, but yes, she was diagnosed with BPD by her psychiatrist she was seeing for a couple of years prior to going to the boarding school. 

I have seen some TLCs.  Although, it is still very tough.  My wife isn't as optimistic as I am.  She is the one that had to suffer the most at the hands of our daughter. 

I am not sure what our dd plans to do if she doesn't enroll in college during the Fall.  Our family moved to another state right before she went to the boarding school.  Our fear is that she moves back to where we used to live and she gets involved again with some "friends" that are a bad influence.

I agree with jellibeans about the boundaries and the full time job.  But, she has made it pretty clear lately that she does not want to live in our home when she turns 18.  Actually, she will stay at the boarding school until she turns 18.

I really am glad I found this site.  I felt so "alone" and to know that there are other people experiencing the same challenges is comforting.

[jellibeans]

golfball

I am also racing against time with my dd17. I am trying to get her the best help I can while she is home. I really would try to not control the situation... .offer her opportunities but don't try and dictate what she does. When she is 18 it will be her choice and I would let her make her own decisions but I would not help her finacially. If she wants to be on her own then I would let her go ahead and try. sometimes the dream of doing something doesn't always match up to the reality. This is the time you need to step back and let her make her own choices. It will be difficult to live in a different state without finacially support and without family. That will be a true test for her.

[rationalmind]

This is so scary. My DD17 who is not officially diagnosed (although she meets all the criteria and her psychiatrist agrees on the emotional dysregulation no one seems to want to make the dx until she's 18) has been spiraling out of control.  Granted she has a history of significant trauma, but her coping skills include running away and drugs.  I have tried working with her, all the validation techniques, letting her find her way--I have not enabled these behaviors but instead of returning home when she ran out of options she ended up with a bunch of drug dealing losers in their 30's.  So it is really scary.  She is hospitalized now and I am trying to get her into RTC but she turns 18 in less than 2 months.  She is also refusing rehab.  She has made allegations of physical abuse, basically fights she has started and we have not responded to in the way she describes. So she cannot live in our home now. But she has no healthy coping skills, and does not have her HS diploma.

It is such a tough situation.  I hear you about protecting until 18 but the fact of the matter is it comes quicker than we expect.  I think that with BPD they often try to rewrite reality, and so letting them come up against the true reality (even if it means "natural consequences" such as not being able to live with us, not receiving financial support, or even jail is part of the recovery process. 

Regarding college, my DD is very smart as well, and sometimes talks of college. But the reality is sometimes they are just not ready and small steps may be better--eg classes at a community college.  Especially when alcohol and drugs are involved, college can be one big party BPDs with substance abuse issues can't held. My DDs friend, who has BPD also, was in RTC for many months, then fizzled out a bit when she came back to a private school, ended up starting college and attempted suicide within the first two days there. 

So I wouldn't push. The way I've learned to cope is not to think they are wasting their lives and potential but to make healing and coping skills a priority, as well as safety, and school second.  Until they are willing to seek help and not just accept but work on change big goals are setting them up for failure.  Just my two cents.