how to handle obvious lies?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi... .

I divorced my uBPD husband of 10 years.  He has moved on to another relationship, but we see each other professionally, and he is currently homeless, and staying at my house for a month until his next job... .( i thought long and hard about having him back here, but i have a hard time not caring if he is homeless or not)  he is being helpful around the farm, which i need, and i am feeding and sheltering him in exchange for work.  there is no romance at this point.  i finally got over the need for that, and the grief for that, and when i hear of him leaving his current partner, just walking off, i am relieved that i am not going through that.

so, what's the question?  we divorced because he got back on meth, and he started smoking it and walked off the job.  so, now he's talking about going back to work, and saying that he walked off the job because he didn't like the way bosses are doing things.

do i bring up the fact that he was high on meth and paranoid at the time?  would it be 'healing' for him?  or do i just let it slide in the interests of domestic tranquility... .

I let a lot of what he says slide because i know it's a lie... . at least i hear them now, where i didn't used to.  but would it help him at all to know i know he's lying?  or would it damage his just now reassembling sense of self?

any comments and help are appreciated, thanks.

[gypsy rose]

Hi... .

I divorced my uBPD husband of 10 years.  He has moved on to another relationship, but we see each other professionally, and he is currently homeless, and staying at my house for a month until his next job... .( i thought long and hard about having him back here, but i have a hard time not caring if he is homeless or not)  he is being helpful around the farm, which i need, and i am feeding and sheltering him in exchange for work.  there is no romance at this point.  i finally got over the need for that, and the grief for that, and when i hear of him leaving his current partner, just walking off, i am relieved that i am not going through that.

so, what's the question?  we divorced because he got back on meth, and he started smoking it and walked off the job.  so, now he's talking about going back to work, and saying that he walked off the job because he didn't like the way bosses are doing things.

do i bring up the fact that he was high on meth and paranoid at the time?  would it be 'healing' for him?  or do i just let it slide in the interests of domestic tranquility... .

I let a lot of what he says slide because i know it's a lie... . at least i hear them now, where i didn't used to.  but would it help him at all to know i know he's lying?  or would it damage his just now reassembling sense of self?

any comments and help are appreciated, thanks.

[vortex of confusion]

If you are viewing him as somebody that is working on your farm in exchange for a place to stay, then let it go.

What would be gained from letting him know that you know he is lying?

[gypsy rose]

well, put like that, nothing.  perhaps it's because i felt he never addressed the issue of his using, continues to deny that it was the cause of his problems at work, and i felt like it might help him to know that i'm not buying the lies?  obviously i still care, and i want him to have better relationships with people.  especially as he is talking about going back to the job.

[Mutt]

Hi gypsy rose,

Vortex makes a solid point. What would be gained?

I think you partially answered the question, denial.

A BPD behavior is dissociation ( lying ) Dissociation has many forms and he'll alter reality to match his out of place feelings. A pwBPD feel shame, guilt, insecure about themselves and if you mention that he was high on meth and paranoid, it's going to trigger him. He may dissociate and alter facts ( lie ) to avoid his feelings or he could project his feelings or a combination of both.

In either case, it's a lose-lose situation if you're not in a committed relationship and it may create conflict. What is there to gain?

It's hard watching someone you have sympathy and compassion for go through this  He's mentally ill and likely in denial of his mental illness and recreational substance abuse? I suggest say nothing and to help him things may need to get worse unfortunately and for him to hit his rock bottom before he gets help.

They used to have this term in the 90's called "tough love". I'm not saying that you're rescuing him, I think you have boundaries with him.

It's OK to have compassion with boundaries. I think it's best to not trigger him to keep your farm calm and don't get enmeshed in his things. He's near homeleness and I understand its hard. I'm sorry.

[gypsy rose]

They used to have this term in the 90's called "tough love". I'm not saying that you're rescuing him, I think you have boundaries with him.

It's OK to have compassion with boundaries. I think it's best to not trigger him to keep your farm calm and don't get enmeshed in his things. He's near homeleness and I understand its hard. I'm sorry.

the boundaries were hard won... .it was a long ten years :-)    and it was only the separation that enabled me to find some, and to separate truth from fiction... .i was so wrapped up in him i believed every word out of his mouth     

it's a fine line, to listen to his version of reality, and to help where i can... .  like reminding him he loves his daughter, when he says outrageous things about her.  I will maintain my cool, and let him just be here and get his sh*& together as much as he is able.

thanks for your input.

[Mutt]

the boundaries were hard won... .it was a long ten years :-)    and it was only the separation that enabled me to find some, and to separate truth from fiction... .i was so wrapped up in him i believed every word out of his mouth  

Every word you wrote I can relate with. I couldn't of articulated it better.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. It may hurt you. I have compassion for my ex and boundaries and there are days I struggle watching the dysfunction.

Your ex seems in a rough spot and mine isn't but I can see how she's starting to corner herself because she lives day by day to cope and she's not in a more stable place than when I knew her 10 years ago. It's more fragile and she can't see because she can't learn from past behaviors and can't see the bigger picture and consequences of her actions - self destructive behavior. It's hard.