Anyone thought about suicide after the break up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was wondering if it is normal (well, considering the situation) if you think about suicide after a relationship with a (u)BPD.

Although I'm not convinced it is the solution, I can't deny that I've been thinking a lot about it. It began as images in my head: images of me painting the wall using a gun (that I don't even have), me cutting my wrists and/or my throat, me hanging myself. The images usually pop up in my head during the day, when I'm at work. I guess because it is hard for me to combine the stress of the break up with the stress of work, the images appear during that time.

At night and in weekends I'm a bit better, I am still devastated by the break-up, but I try to be (a bit more) positive and think to myself: there will be good times ahead, if I just get through this. I even managed to get angry at my ex the past couple of days. Not that I had contact, but I mean, in my head.

Because of these images, I sometimes start to think about if it is the answer to get over all this. I'm not saying it is the answer, and I don't want to. I'm a 30 year old male with a job and a house, a lot of people have it a lot worse. And it would totally devastate my parents. But I can't deny the thought doesn't pop up every now and then.

What would be the pro's of ending it all?

- Not feeling miserable anymore

- Not having to bear the fact that I cannot ever be with my ex anymore

- Not having to keep up appearances for the outside world, acting like I'm okay

Of course, the cons are much more important. It's a final solution and I would miss out on all the potential happy life that is ahead of me. I would also give her the satisfaction of 'winning',  so to speak. Although I'm sure it would hurt her in some ways, but thats not why I would do it.

I am in no way saying that anyone here, including myself, should commit suicide. I'm merely asking you if you had these feelings after the break up, and how did you deal with them? I am sorry if this subject goes against the rules of the forum, but I've had so much good feedback here that I had to write and talk about it. Talking helps.

[CloseToFreedom]

I was wondering if it is normal (well, considering the situation) if you think about suicide after a relationship with a (u)BPD.

Although I'm not convinced it is the solution, I can't deny that I've been thinking a lot about it. It began as images in my head: images of me painting the wall using a gun (that I don't even have), me cutting my wrists and/or my throat, me hanging myself. The images usually pop up in my head during the day, when I'm at work. I guess because it is hard for me to combine the stress of the break up with the stress of work, the images appear during that time.

At night and in weekends I'm a bit better, I am still devastated by the break-up, but I try to be (a bit more) positive and think to myself: there will be good times ahead, if I just get through this. I even managed to get angry at my ex the past couple of days. Not that I had contact, but I mean, in my head.

Because of these images, I sometimes start to think about if it is the answer to get over all this. I'm not saying it is the answer, and I don't want to. I'm a 30 year old male with a job and a house, a lot of people have it a lot worse. And it would totally devastate my parents. But I can't deny the thought doesn't pop up every now and then.

What would be the pro's of ending it all?

- Not feeling miserable anymore

- Not having to bear the fact that I cannot ever be with my ex anymore

- Not having to keep up appearances for the outside world, acting like I'm okay

Of course, the cons are much more important. It's a final solution and I would miss out on all the potential happy life that is ahead of me. I would also give her the satisfaction of 'winning',  so to speak. Although I'm sure it would hurt her in some ways, but thats not why I would do it.

I am in no way saying that anyone here, including myself, should commit suicide. I'm merely asking you if you had these feelings after the break up, and how did you deal with them? I am sorry if this subject goes against the rules of the forum, but I've had so much good feedback here that I had to write and talk about it. Talking helps.

[tigerville]

I did and got help. I remember they was dark times after me and my ex BPDgf split. It's been 4 years and as weird as it sounds I'm glad I had the experience of being in a rs with a girl with BPD. It's made me a better person. I've become stronger, financially better off and less things fade me. I promise you you will not only feel better than ever but any pain you feel now will go. Get help my friend.

[Recooperating]

Hi Close to freedom,

I am sorry you are struggling and I really hope you feel better soon and will start to see all of the beautifull wonders in life.

Some months ago I did think of suicide, but never had the intention of really doing so. These thoughts were when I was still in the rs. I just thought; dont let me wake up in the morning... .

Now that I am out, in therapy anf doing better these thoughts never pop up any more. I had a lot going on at that time, dealing with my dBPDexbf, my moms terminal illness, my sister was suicidal and a lot if pressure from work. I chose to go on sick leave and eventually (after T) I ended the rs, to decrease the stress levels.

Are you in T or have you considered it? And if you are did you discuss it with your T? My therapist has really helped me through it!

I am a 34 year old female so in the same age-group as you. I now realise that my best years are yet to come. We have our entire future ahead of us. Happiness is a choice, not an outcome of a circumstance. You can choose to be happy, focus on the positive. Do things that make you happy! Take on a new hobby, excersize (releases endorphines which make you feel good) surround yourself with people you love and trust and talk to them. Take a walk in nature and truely look at your surroundings, trees, flowers, etc. Retrain your brain whenever it goes to the dark thoughts, think about how you would like your future to be and think of things your gratefull for. (Roof over your head, food in the fridge, friends, what ever)

We are still so young close to freedom, I know its easier said then done but focus on a happy life after this abusive crap. Maybe its good to take some time of work? No job is more important then your health! Seek some counseling maybe.

I truely hope you will feel better! Take good care of yourself, your worth it!

[sweetheart]

Hello CloseToFreedom,

It's great that you felt able to post, as these kind of thoughts, especially with the intrusive  images you describe must feel really overwhelming.

What is really important as well as to keep posting here, is to access some help from a doctor (I'm from the UK so that's where I would start ) about the thoughts that you have been having. Letting someone know that you don't feel ok like you have done here today is your next step. Do you have access to a family doctor/medic that you could make an appointment to talk to in the next few days ?

Getting support, talking to someone about these thoughts can help reduce their intensity and frequency and equip you with some coping strategies for when they occur. You are not alone in experiencing these kinds of thoughts, not at all.

Who do you have a around you for support at the moment, who can you talk to when you are feeling like this? Do you have a close friend or family member you might feel able to trust when these thoughts and feelings occur ?

Keep posting here and let us know how you get on.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you all for the support and replies.

It already feels pretty good that I was not the only one dealing with these feelings. The fact that I have them, makes me sometimes doubt if my ex was the one with borderline and if it's maybe me. But I guess thats what happens after such a difficult relationship.

As for getting help, I'm working on it. I was with a... .I don't know the English word for it, not a therapist but a... .psycholocist? Someone to talk to anyway, but not someone who can diagnose or subscribe medication. So he saw how serious it was and recommended a therapist, for which I need a doctors order. I went to the doctor yesterday and he's gaining info now so he can give me an order to visit the therapist. He also didn't want to give me any medication to calm my feelings, as they might be intrusive with the treatment I'm getting. He mentioned valium, but that would mean I couldn't go to work, so we're not doing that as of yet.

It's difficult, at some moments I think I am making progress and getting a bit better, then the next day it feels as painful as the first few weeks. I guess my main problem is, that I was living for HER the past four years. Not for myself, but for her. Now that she isn't around anymore to try and make her happy, I feel like I don't have anything to replace it with. Working on myself, even though I'm still working and going to the gym, feels pointless and lifeless. The fact that she is able to move on so quickly also doesn't help. At first I thought it would be easier, because I lost all hope for another recycle. We've had around 10 recycles so I was used to her getting in touch with me. Now that she's found a replacement, it probably won't happen again and dealin with that is hard.

It's just so insanely difficult to imagine a life without her. For all the arguments, walking on eggshells, I still saw her as the one, I still saw us getting old together, hell, we started living together last year. She at least was faithfull as far as I knew, so that was also a plus. I thought we would make it through all the bad times and come out on top. We even went on a holiday the month before the break up.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just trying to explain how hopeless I feel and how tempting some thoughts about ending it all are. It's the easy, cowardly way out, but when you're deep in it, you don't see it that way anymore. You start to see it as the only option that makes sense more and more.

[Deeno02]

Yes... .It was difficult to handle. A failed marriage at 48 after 18 years of marriage(on my birthday no less), ex girlfriend dumps me at 50 after 16 months together for some stupid reason and dealing with PTSD from war. I almost caved in and did it. Just couldnt go on being a failure to the people I loved. Obviously, no one loved me or I was unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love, so I was told. Who would have cared if I did it or not. Gotta be a better place, right? I still dont feel like anyone will love me again, working through that, but I have my kids and I cant do that to them. My father killed himself over a lost love and I'll be damned if Im going to do that as well. No ones worth that. No one.

[sweetheart]

CloseToFreedom, I am really pleased to hear that you have approached someone qualified to help you talk about the thoughts and feelings you have been experiencing. That is a very positive step toward healing and taking care of yourself.

I want you to know that four years is a long time to be with someone you love despite all the ups and downs you experienced and I can hear that the realisation that it is over has left you hurting very badly and no wonder. Relationship breakups are hard and add to that the complications of BPD it will take a while for you to work through and make sense of how it has left you feeling. Therapy will definitely help you with this as will continuing to post here.

The fact that you are working and going to the gym is a positive way of continuing to be in control of your life despite the out of control feelings you are experiencing. Keeping a routine in place that gives structure and purpose to each day when you are missing the routine of your relationship will help you cope better and build-up emotional strength over time.

I want to ask you again about close friends and family that you can call on for support when you are feeling hopeless and in despair. Who do you have in your life in the moment that you can talk to ?

CloseToFreedom I want to hear that in the event that you feel really hopeless there is someone you can be with so you don't have to cope with feeling like this on your own, can you let me know who that might be?

I want to be sure that you are safe.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks  

That would be my parents, I suppose. They come by whenever I feel the need to talk. Even after 8 weeks, even after I told them everything I felt 1000 times and they told me everything that was wrong with the r/s for a 1000 times, they still are there and keep on listening and talking.

I have some friends (although my social circles AND social skills arents anywhere near as how big and good they were before I met my ex), but unfortunately some of them have become friends with my ex as well. While I can talk to them about things, I will not open up completely like I do here and to my parents, as I want to make sure nothing of how I'm feeling gets back to her. If she hears I'm hurting this badly, I have no doubt she'll be extremely happy about it.

[sweetheart]

Thank you for answering CloseToFreedom and I'm very glad that your parents are in your life for support and are there for you when you need them.

It is not necessary for you to tell your friends everything about how you are feeling, just  keeping in contact with others is important and will help you from feeling alone with what has happened.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines are need driven, and one of the things we were being used for is as a dumping ground for all the crap they can't deal with.  If we're supportive, empathetic types who care and are trying to make a relationship work, we'll be receptive to taking on the crap, and if we take on enough of it we'll feel like killing ourselves, totally understandable.  It also gives us a look into the world of a borderline, what it must be like to live in their head, and it explains why they've developed tools like projection to get rid of some of it, and also why the suicide rate among borderlines is far above average.

Anyway, you went "public" with your thoughts because you want help, and good for you, people who really want to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it.  Thinking about killing yourself is serious.  Commit to us here that you will talk to someone in the real world today about it, it doesn't have to be a professional, but it has to be someone you trust.  We will need confirmation you did talk to someone; when can we get that?

[BorisAcusio]

people who really want to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it.

That's a common and deadly misconception. Research indicates that up to 80% of suicidal people signal their intentions to others.

In most cases, the dysfunctional relationship itself is a bandaid on issues stemming from childhood. Now, you got a chance to investigate what lead you to the dysfunctional dance and the subsequent fallout. I've been where are now, talk about your feelings with someone who you trust and don't fear to seek professional help, the viewpoint you got on your situation from an experienced therapist could be a life changing experince. It's going to get better.

[CloseToFreedom]

I don't know exactly what my childhood trauma is, I had a pretty good childhood. Parents where there for me, where together, didn't argue with each other. I am an only child and my mother was always there for me, maybe a bit too much, maybe I was looking for that in a relationship? I don't know.

My first real relationship did traumatize me a bit though. Was with her from my 16th to my 25th, but she cheated multiple times on me. Had a horrible year after that and that's when I met my recent ex. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Again, I don't know.

I will talk about it with my parents tonight, after that I'll confirm here. Thanks all.

[sirensong65]

I DID struggle with thoughts of suicide.  He discarded me two weeks before Thanksgiving.  He had already bailed two days before our wedding back in July, and I chose to try to work it out.  So, I was humiliated and devastated.  Going through that during the holidays while he seemed to be having a high time was almost too much to bear.  I had to get help, I started therapy.

[Infared]

Close to Free... .

When my ex ran off with new supply (who she was having a relationship with for who knows how long), I was completely devastated. I knew nothing about her new supply.  She just said she was leaving me, a week before Christmas (not recently) and ran off leaving me feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas tree by myself, thinking that I could work things out with her... It was extremely painful for me emotionally.  I am also a very emotionally sensitive person. I also have substance abuse issues so... .I was in a very scary position. My brain sensed she was lying and cheating on me... .my heart would have none of that. It was a very twisted, dark vulnerable place for me to be. For a couple of weeks I started drinking, I also had a lot of suicidal thoughts... .I was in a deep downward spiral. Not coping.

I did the things that you are doing... .got a T (psychologist). In the US a psychologist is someone that you do therapy with in a process of growth and change. This is what I wanted. I did not want a psychiatrist who would meet with me for 30min and then prescribe a drug for me. (I personally find that to be total BS and a cop out). With a good therapist YOU do the work and change. With medication you don't take responsibility and you avoid the problem. I know that that is just my personal view and that many will dispute it. I also know that there is a small percentage of people who require med (bi-polar etc)... .but for most it is just a crutch and an excuse.   That is my opinion only. My outlook is: Put on the big-boy pants and change.

So ... .I got a T and went back into recovery and forced myself to be around others who were like me and I started to come out of my tailspin. I got back to work and started to feel better about life.

So it can get better. I think your thoughts are not uncommon. I also think that a lot of people have them and do not voice them, so this is very brave of you even to talk about that here anonymously and I am glad to hear that you are making some of the positive steps to address the issue. I identify with you.

[billypilgrim]

Hey Closetofreedom,

Yes, I definitely dealt with feelings and thoughts of suicide.  I haven't even brought these feelings up with my T so I kudos for bring this up.  It takes a certain amount of bravery and comfort with yourself to discuss these sorts of personal and vulnerable details of your life.  Especially something like suicidal thoughts as even mentioning the "s" word seems to elicit all kinds of social stigmas.  I'm glad this place exists for us to discuss our issues and feelings.

As for my experience, I was depressed, had been for some time prior to my ex leaving.  I was never close to actually acting on it but I identify with many of the things you mentioned.  Namely wanting the pain to end and feeling completely devalued.

I dealt with it by welcoming the pain.  Telling myself I would be a better and bigger person once I got through this.  I used it to rebuild myself and my self-esteem, which is still a work in progress.  I told myself that I was truly valued.  I surrounded myself with good things and good people.  I thought about all of the people that I still very much care about.  All of the things that I still want to accomplish.  And I thought, to some degree, about my ex.  I thought about showing her how happy I can be without her.  How happy I can make other people.  How wonderful my life could and will be without her.  That's what got me away from those feelings.  

As for tangible things that I did and do to keep things moving along, I wrote and still write a lot.  I read a lot.  I do things that I want to do.  I'm hiking again (my ex loathed the outdoors), I'm going to the gym again.  I've joined a second soccer league.  I meet friends after work.  I'm going to concerts of bands that I want to see.  Eventually I want to date but I'm not rushing into that.  You'd be amazed at how quickly I perked up once I started taking care of myself more.  

I think the biggest cause for suicidal feelings is a lack of self-esteem.  If you can focus on yourself and take a break from thinking about her and your r/s, you'll bounce back too.  The personal inventory board has some great threads on building yourself back up.  Best of luck - I'm sorry you are dealing with these feelings but I truly believe that we will all come out stronger on the other side.  As cliche as that sounds.  

[sweetheart]

CloseToFreedom not everyone experiences childhood or early trauma so don't feel you have to search for answers from your past to explain what is happening for you now.

Be kind and gentle to yourself and try not to overload yourself at the moment, at least until you are engaged in therapy or feeling a bit stronger emotionally.

Just allowing yourself to feel sad because a relationship that was important to you has ended is as good a place as any to focus on.

Take care.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks you all for your stories and support.

I don't see mentioning it on this forum as brave. I see it as something I HAVE to do. I feel like I don't have a mouth but I must scream. This is a way to get it off my chest and to get some perspective.

I try to remember how pleased I was with myself before I met my ex. I felt so much better. So alive, free and at times genuine happiness. But there was still an empty hole left by my previous ex and my recent one was there to fill it up. And filled it up she did, and then some. She just spread and spread and became part of my dna, my identity. She took over. I must never let this happen again.

[Tim300]

I was wondering if it is normal (well, considering the situation) if you think about suicide after a relationship with a (u)BPD.

I definitely thought about it a lot on a regular basis for at least the first couple months out.  I'm now almost 4 months out.  I can assure you that things really do get better.  I'm still struggling with it all -- but I am much better than where I was.  I have really been understanding and accepting more and more each day that I dodged a major bullet and that because my pwBPD has BPD she is truly a 0 out of 10 despite whatever positive qualities she has.  I think as more and more time passes, this acceptance/relief will be 100% of my feeling about it all.

[clydegriffith]

Personally i didnt. I've had the very healthy perspective since this all happened is that this was all her fault. I won't lie and say i never thought about killing her though, that thought def crossed my mind more than once but i like not being in jail so that was never more than a thought at most.

I often wonder though what someone else in my place my have done. I would not be the least at all shocked if one of the next guys she's with offs her or if she has her very own Jodi Arias moment.  I used to say that this woman was capable of sending the Pope himself into a murderous rage.

[CloseToFreedom]

Personally i didnt. I've had the very healthy perspective since this all happened is that this was all her fault. I won't lie and say i never thought about killing her though, that thought def crossed my mind more than once but i like not being in jail so that was never more than a thought at most.

I often wonder though what someone else in my place my have done. I would not be the least at all shocked if one of the next guys she's with offs her or if she has her very own Jodi Arias moment.  I used to say that this woman was capable of sending the Pope himself into a murderous rage.

You speak some truth right there. Ive done some terrible things to my ex out of sheer desperation. The crazy rubs off.

[BorisAcusio]

I don't know exactly what my childhood trauma is, I had a pretty good childhood. Parents where there for me, where together, didn't argue with each other. I am an only child and my mother was always there for me, maybe a bit too much, maybe I was looking for that in a relationship? I don't know.

My first real relationship did traumatize me a bit though. Was with her from my 16th to my 25th, but she cheated multiple times on me. Had a horrible year after that and that's when I met my recent ex. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Again, I don't know.

I will talk about it with my parents tonight, after that I'll confirm here. Thanks all.

It doesn't have to be an actual trauma in the sense you experienced with your exes. Any unmet childhood need can produce maladaptive coping modes, but that's not something you need to deal with right now.

As somebody mentioned above, exercise can be tremendously beneficial. It gives you direction, almost immidate improvement on your mood and self-image.

[Maternus]

I also thought about suicide in the first days after the break up. It felt like my life was over. I was nearly isolated from friends and family, everything I had was my uBPDgf and her two children. My whole life revolved around them. I felt like a little child abandoned by his mother. And this is really one of my childhood traumas: My mother telling me, what an awful son I am and that she'll send me to the children's home.  The breaku p of a BPD-relationship his horrible - but it's also a chance to go down to the dark places in your soul and turn on the light.   

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this CloseToFreedom.  

Depression is very common when breaking up with a pwBPD. During periods of depression our brain produces less serotonin. Serotonin affects our cognitive thinking and lack of serotonin distorts this way of thinking.  :)epression and suicidal idealizations are very common.  

Breaking an attachment from another person is difficult. Adding BPD into that equation, feels absolutely devastating. During the grieving process, you may go through anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and depression all at the same time.  Working through your emotions helps greatly.

As many people have suggested, speaking with a therapist helps.   Also, learning Mindfulness is great for when you are triggered.  Here is a link to read.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Many of the DBT principles are effective during difficult times. There is a focus on eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

I have felt similar at one point during my relationship. It felt like I was going down a vortex of depression. During this period, life had no meaning and I felt helpless and scared. One day, I woke up and decided to ask for help. My friends and family were very supportive. With their help and support, I found the strength to find a psychologist. I started taking SSRIs . After working on myself for awhile, I finally saw the light. I am no longer on medication. It does take time and the process is difficult, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[peace_seeker]

It's difficult, at some moments I think I am making progress and getting a bit better, then the next day it feels as painful as the first few weeks. I guess my main problem is, that I was living for HER the past four years. Not for myself, but for her. Now that she isn't around anymore to try and make her happy, I feel like I don't have anything to replace it with. Working on myself, even though I'm still working and going to the gym, feels pointless and lifeless. The fact that she is able to move on so quickly also doesn't help. At first I thought it would be easier, because I lost all hope for another recycle. We've had around 10 recycles so I was used to her getting in touch with me. Now that she's found a replacement, it probably won't happen again and dealin with that is hard.

It's just so insanely difficult to imagine a life without her. For all the arguments, walking on eggshells, I still saw her as the one, I still saw us getting old together, hell, we started living together last year. She at least was faithfull as far as I knew, so that was also a plus. I thought we would make it through all the bad times and come out on top. We even went on a holiday the month before the break up.

ClosedtToFreedom, u and me are very similar and have very similar stories. Just like u, me and my ex ask went on a holiday weeks before we broke up. Just like u, I have lived my life for him, and now that he's gone, sometimes I just can't help but feel like an empty shell. I can completely understand ur struggle and i just dont want u to feel alone in this.

Even though I am also still trying to figure things out, n I know it's not easy, we must firstly accept that no one can make us feel happy except ourselves. I know it's extremely difficult right now, because we've lived our life around our ex so much so that it's hard to even think abt being alright without them. I'm going through this struggle now too, but I also know that I cant control how he wants to be. I can't make him change his mind abt leaving me. And so the only thing that I can control is my thoughts. And that probably the only way forward - to change our thoughts, to change the way we think. But I also know that it's easier said than done... perhaps u have already read this before, but I always find this a good reminder to remind myself that what I'm going through is not unique to me. And that helps me feel less alone and gives me rays of hope that life can be, and will be better if we work towards moving on.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

Wrt your question, yes, i do have thoughts of dying too. But not so much of a suicide, i am too weak to kill myself. but I do have thoughts and "hopes" of accidents befalling onto me and killing me, like being in car accidents and etc... .it's crazy, but we all know how  painful this struggle  is.

Pls stay strong, pls continue seeing ur psychologist and keep posting here. Big hugs to you and hope u'll learn to love urself more.

[charred]

My first breakup with my BPDgf... was devastating, was about 30 yrs ago, we were seemingly getting serious, talking marriage, I thought things were going well, and she abruptly dumped me, wouldn't say why, only some lame stuff about "it's the best thing I can do for you"... and other cryptic comments. Then she showed up hanging on a neighbor of mine. I was livid, and hurt and couldn't take it. Considered shooting him, her, or myself. But didn't pull the trigger. She showed up again, did same hanging on ... .so I packed up my stuff, and moved 1500 miles away, leaving my family, friends, the city I grew up in... and her. Was 5 yrs before I felt normal (but still missed her)... and 10 before I thought I had moved on. After about 25 yrs she reached out to me and after talking to her on the phone... 100% of the feelings were back, the intense love, the hurt, the confusion. Ended up getting a divorce, and recycling in a hell I couldn't believe for about 3 yrs... been NC for 2 now.

So... I did not get that she was disordered the first time around... thought she was perfect and wonderful... she told me otherwise   , but I didn't want to believe her. She said that leaving me was the best thing she could do for me... .it was absolutely true... but I didn't believe it.

All the best things that happened to me in my life... .happened after she dumped me... I met my wife, we lived together, had a child, raised her... took trips, and lived life... real love, not the dreamy illusion that the BPD r/s was. For years I thought if only I had her back everything would be wonderful... .it wasn't, it was hell, hell so bad I have been seeing a T for 2 yrs to work past it. The breakup tore me up... it shattered illusions. I had a false self that held out to the world that I was fine, having a waif BPD mother and malignant NPD father didn't phase me... but it was ego, not reality. My BPDgf... mirrored and love bombed me till I took her for the soul mate I never had... thought she was perfect... but she was just mirroring me with my own ego image. When she dumped me every fear and hurt from childhood landed on me... .far out of proportion to the relationship ... in fact I had started questioning if I should really settle down with her, maybe I should date around... then she dumped me.

The problem wasn't what she did to me... .it was that I had ignored my own wounded core self, and she came around and pulled off all the band-aids, and made it hurt again. The sex was good, she hung on my every word like it was important (at first)... but fact is... she was disordered, and had I married her I would have been one of the 3 divorces she had... or worse yet, had a kid to have knock down dragout fights over from then on.

You are hurting, and going through grieving stages... is she is BPD... she isn't doing all that... but finding someone, anyone to mirror (act like)... and try to get to act as a stand in for her hypercritical parents. Chances are she is stuck in a loop and will do that good/bad push-pull with other people... endlessly. Twenty five years later, my pwBPD... was still at it.

The ego is what is devastated and involved in the r/s... .that is the false self. There is nothing genuine/authentic about the r/s. So long as you talk about the future, and dreams and that sort of thing... .it seems to work... but reality... now, relating with the pwBPD... is avoided at all cost. Mindfulness helps to stop fretting about the past, and making yourself miserable making up bleak futures to worry about. Get grounded in NOW, and most of your stress/pain will drop away. In time you will find out that losing a disordered partner is like losing a hemorrhoid. It is reason for joy, not ending it all.

[Ripped Heart]

CloseToFreedom,

You are most certainly not alone in your thoughts and I'm sure that many others have felt the same way you do trying to cope with the pressures of a break-up, feelings of being alone, helpless and vulnerable. It's knowing where that line is drawn between having these thoughts and working through them and having them overwhelm us.

I've read many of your posts and comments and you appear by all intents and purposes to be on the right road to recovery, even your username has a positive vibe about it too. As you mentioned in your original post, you have a lot of good things going for you and find yourself in a place of support where others may not be as fortunate.

I also noticed from your posts that you have your family to talk to and some friends too. Have you discussed any of these feelings with your friends and family? If so, what was their view on the subject? As I know it can be difficult to talk to people close to you, have you spoken with a Therapist with regard to your situation, what you are going through right now and the thoughts and feelings you have been having? Sometimes it's good to speak to someone outside of the environment who has extensive knowledge and understanding of what you are going through and how you feel and help put things into perspective.

It can be very difficult to convey these feelings to people close to us which is why I'm glad you have raised the topic on the board as a discussion and been able to talk through your feelings and I hope it's helped bring some clarity to your situation too.

From a personal perspective, I've sat where you are but it wasn't down to r/s with pwBPD. My exgf abruptly stopped me from seeing my children because she had a new bf and didn't want any confusion. Everywhere I turned I hit a brick wall and every outcome seemed negative. To me it really felt like there was no point continuing. I couldn't speak to friends and family, especially my mother because we lost my step-father to suicide just 2 years before. It wasn't what I wanted to do but how I felt, without my children I felt my life wasn't worth continuing. I was marrried to exN/BPDw at the time so that certainly didn't help matters, if anything that made it worse, was suffering all kinds of abuse and she wasn't someone I could turn to for support either.

It was only when I started to process through my thoughts and feelings that I gained clarity. Take my own life and my exgf wins, my children will never know the truth, they are the ones who will be left with unanswered questions and most important of all, I would be giving up on them. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight at that moment in time but what it did do was give me the determination to push past all of that and get myself to a position where I could fight for my children and that became my focus and my goal. Every road block became a challenge and every challenge accomplished provided strength. I'm sat here today, several years after hitting what was my rock bottom, away from my exN/BPDw, access to my children, great job, great friends and a much happier life. I know where my rock bottom was and without those feelings I would never have known the place I never want to end up in again.

You have a lot going for you, still young, a good job, your own house and comfortable enough to talk through your feelings. You have a great support network on here with many people offering great advice and we are always around for you should you ever need to talk or need to get something off your chest. I do feel it might also benefit you to speak to someone outside of your circle too as they would be able to provide a more non-objective view and offer you that extra support as well. My T was a rock for me and a huge impact on getting my strength back to make the positive changes I needed to in my life. 

[Mutt]

Hi CloseToFreedom,

I had SI thoughts a couple of months after my ex left. Suicidal ideation often happens during depression. Depression chemically distorts thinking, so a person can't think clearly or rationally and are consumed with thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness. It's important to realize that it's not you - it's an imbalanced perception - its not your reality.

Have you talked to a MD about depression?

[Infared]

CloseToFreedom... .

Your level of self awareness and your level of honesty is refreshing and beautiful. Truly.

You, my man... .are going to be just fine... .

Keep walking... .baby steps is OK!

[Ridingthewaves]

I felt suicidal when I woke up this morning - intruding thoughts of slitting wrists also - so you are not alone. For me also its a combination of things, not just the BPD-ex ending, but major workload that I cant get out of while I am going through major grieving - the combination is making me a bit crazy inside - like too much, cant handle it. But I got up I breathed, fed the cats, watered the flowers, made coffee... .feeling better ... .trying really hard to just keep saying this too shall pass. Also going to worst case scenarios and showing to myself that I can cope. Like, so you lose you job... .big deal you get another one. Trying to show myself that whatever happens happens and its going to be ok.

As others said, its an opportunity for some deep healing - hopefully at some point the intensity of the pain will taper off -

Sending love and encouragement.   

[thatwasthat]

I know those feelings all too well. When everything fell apart I thought about ending it all regularly.

But in all that turmoil and darkness there was this small light still burning. And I now know that this small light is what kept me from acting on these thoughts.

I now also know that this small light that kept me from acting is... .  My true self. Although it was barely noticeable and faint it proved to be incredibly strong. My core, my innermost strength, the love for myself. It kept me pushing through the pain and confusion when it really became tough. One minute at a time.

It is the same light that brought you here and writing about it.

Now that I'm feeling good again (probably better than ever before in my life) I understand what an incredible waste it would have been.

Focus on that small flame and you will emerge from this nightmare sooner than you might believe now and stronger than ever.

You got this.