Anyone thought about suicide after the break up?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

CloseToFreedom,

One of my favourite activities is parachuting. I'm working through my licenses at the moment and when the world gets overwhelming for me, I take to the skies. Its perhaps the most therapeutic thing I have ever done on so many levels.

There is an intense fear associated with leaping into nothingness from 15,000ft. The fact that my life is completely in MY hands, I can choose to pull my chute or I can choose not to. The fact I'm writing this tells you what my choice is every time. No matter how bad things have been or how difficult the road ahead feels at that moment, I still reach back and pull that chord.

Mainly for the part that comes next. When your chute opens up above you, you realise just how alive you are. Both literally and figuratively. As you float through the clouds, there isn't a care in the world up there, nobody to bother you or to trouble you, its just you and your thoughts. Below you is where the problems lie, beneath your feet and at that height the world and all its problems appear a very small place. The sun is shining where you are, the warmth on your skin and the wind in your face and it feels so good to be alive and to put aside those issues for a brief moment. It reminds me that no matter how hard things can get, nothing can take away what is most important to you and that is yourself.

No matter how bad things get for me, I know I can follow the process through. Fear of the unknown, a choice which path to take and the intense feelings of joy and happiness for the decisions I make. For me personally parachuting always gives me the clarity I need and the strength to always do the right thing for me.

[Ripped Heart]

CloseToFreedom,

One of my favourite activities is parachuting. I'm working through my licenses at the moment and when the world gets overwhelming for me, I take to the skies. Its perhaps the most therapeutic thing I have ever done on so many levels.

There is an intense fear associated with leaping into nothingness from 15,000ft. The fact that my life is completely in MY hands, I can choose to pull my chute or I can choose not to. The fact I'm writing this tells you what my choice is every time. No matter how bad things have been or how difficult the road ahead feels at that moment, I still reach back and pull that chord.

Mainly for the part that comes next. When your chute opens up above you, you realise just how alive you are. Both literally and figuratively. As you float through the clouds, there isn't a care in the world up there, nobody to bother you or to trouble you, its just you and your thoughts. Below you is where the problems lie, beneath your feet and at that height the world and all its problems appear a very small place. The sun is shining where you are, the warmth on your skin and the wind in your face and it feels so good to be alive and to put aside those issues for a brief moment. It reminds me that no matter how hard things can get, nothing can take away what is most important to you and that is yourself.

No matter how bad things get for me, I know I can follow the process through. Fear of the unknown, a choice which path to take and the intense feelings of joy and happiness for the decisions I make. For me personally parachuting always gives me the clarity I need and the strength to always do the right thing for me.

[fred6]

CloseToFreedom,

I would also like to chime in here. There was a 2 month period when I still lived with her. It was after the break up, but before I moved out. I was looking for a place to live. It was the worst time in my life ever. I have never been treated so poorly by anyone in my life than I was in that 2 month period.

Anyhow, thoughts of suicide did pass through my head. I know that I wouldn't have done it, but the thoughts were there none the less. I do remember though that I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning many times in that 2 month period.

Once I moved out though, all of those thoughts were pretty much gone by the 30 day mark. That $hit doesn't even cross my mind anymore. I'm still sad sometimes. I'm still lonely sometimes. I'm still depressed sometimes. But I have realized that my ex is a NUT with a capital "N". I still have my issues, but I'm a great person, boyfriend, and father regardless of what that "nut" thinks about me or what she does with her life. She never deserved me and I deserved much better. The same can be said for most of us here. We have a worth much greater than we realize sometimes. Give it some time and stay strong bro!

[CloseToFreedom]

The reactions on this thread have been overwelming and I feel very grateful for them. I also feel a bit of shame and 'attention whorish' so to speak. I didn't create this topic for the attention, I created it to put my feelings out there, to talk about it, because its the only thing I have left to do.

It doesn't have to be an actual trauma in the sense you experienced with your exes. Any unmet childhood need can produce maladaptive coping modes, but that's not something you need to deal with right now.

As somebody mentioned above, exercise can be tremendously beneficial. It gives you direction, almost immidate improvement on your mood and self-image.

I guess you're right. Like I said before, I still go to the gym 3 times a week or so. Its been difficult, as the place (like so many places) trigger memories of the relationship. My ex went there as well with me, just for a few months before she grew sick of it and canceled her membership. She also once came there after an argument. I went out to get some excercise to get the argument out of my head, and she followed and started to argue there. I just left and went home. She followed me again (this was right before we started living together), and she asked between the screaming and crying if I really wanted to live with her. I said I did. In a few weeks we were.

I also thought about suicide in the first days after the break up. It felt like my life was over. I was nearly isolated from friends and family, everything I had was my uBPDgf and her two children. My whole life revolved around them. I felt like a little child abandoned by his mother. And this is really one of my childhood traumas: My mother telling me, what an awful son I am and that she'll send me to the children's home.  The breaku p of a BPD-relationship his horrible - but it's also a chance to go down to the dark places in your soul and turn on the light.   

Again, my mother was very good to me, maybe TOO good, so maybe I'm looking for this mother type figure and my ex obviously couldn't do that. Maybe that's where a lot of arguments came from, I don't know. I'm glad to hear you're doing better, at least I take that from your last sentence.

I am sorry that you are going through this CloseToFreedom.  

Depression is very common when breaking up with a pwBPD. During periods of depression our brain produces less serotonin. Serotonin affects our cognitive thinking and lack of serotonin distorts this way of thinking.  :)epression and suicidal idealizations are very common.  

Breaking an attachment from another person is difficult. Adding BPD into that equation, feels absolutely devastating. During the grieving process, you may go through anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and depression all at the same time.  Working through your emotions helps greatly.

As many people have suggested, speaking with a therapist helps.   Also, learning Mindfulness is great for when you are triggered.  Here is a link to read.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Many of the DBT principles are effective during difficult times. There is a focus on eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

I have felt similar at one point during my relationship. It felt like I was going down a vortex of depression. During this period, life had no meaning and I felt helpless and scared. One day, I woke up and decided to ask for help. My friends and family were very supportive. With their help and support, I found the strength to find a psychologist. I started taking SSRIs . After working on myself for awhile, I finally saw the light. I am no longer on medication. It does take time and the process is difficult, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll check out the link. I'm still waiting for the doctor to get back to me so that I can go to a T. But its been two months now since the break up, I'm done waiting till it gets better.

ClosedtToFreedom, u and me are very similar and have very similar stories. Just like u, me and my ex ask went on a holiday weeks before we broke up. Just like u, I have lived my life for him, and now that he's gone, sometimes I just can't help but feel like an empty shell. I can completely understand ur struggle and i just dont want u to feel alone in this.

Even though I am also still trying to figure things out, n I know it's not easy, we must firstly accept that no one can make us feel happy except ourselves. I know it's extremely difficult right now, because we've lived our life around our ex so much so that it's hard to even think abt being alright without them. I'm going through this struggle now too, but I also know that I cant control how he wants to be. I can't make him change his mind abt leaving me. And so the only thing that I can control is my thoughts. And that probably the only way forward - to change our thoughts, to change the way we think. But I also know that it's easier said than done... perhaps u have already read this before, but I always find this a good reminder to remind myself that what I'm going through is not unique to me. And that helps me feel less alone and gives me rays of hope that life can be, and will be better if we work towards moving on.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

Wrt your question, yes, i do have thoughts of dying too. But not so much of a suicide, i am too weak to kill myself. but I do have thoughts and "hopes" of accidents befalling onto me and killing me, like being in car accidents and etc... .it's crazy, but we all know how  painful this struggle  is.

Pls stay strong, pls continue seeing ur psychologist and keep posting here. Big hugs to you and hope u'll learn to love urself more.

I get what you are saying about the accidents. I also don't think I'm capable of taking my own life, not right now anyway, but often when I'm on the street or something I think: hey, maybe a car comes from the right and smashes me. Thanks for your kind words.

My first breakup with my BPDgf... was devastating, was about 30 yrs ago, we were seemingly getting serious, talking marriage, I thought things were going well, and she abruptly dumped me, wouldn't say why, only some lame stuff about "it's the best thing I can do for you"... and other cryptic comments. Then she showed up hanging on a neighbor of mine. I was livid, and hurt and couldn't take it. Considered shooting him, her, or myself. But didn't pull the trigger. She showed up again, did same hanging on ... .so I packed up my stuff, and moved 1500 miles away, leaving my family, friends, the city I grew up in... and her. Was 5 yrs before I felt normal (but still missed her)... and 10 before I thought I had moved on. After about 25 yrs she reached out to me and after talking to her on the phone... 100% of the feelings were back, the intense love, the hurt, the confusion. Ended up getting a divorce, and recycling in a hell I couldn't believe for about 3 yrs... been NC for 2 now.

So... I did not get that she was disordered the first time around... thought she was perfect and wonderful... she told me otherwise   , but I didn't want to believe her. She said that leaving me was the best thing she could do for me... .it was absolutely true... but I didn't believe it.

All the best things that happened to me in my life... .happened after she dumped me... I met my wife, we lived together, had a child, raised her... took trips, and lived life... real love, not the dreamy illusion that the BPD r/s was. For years I thought if only I had her back everything would be wonderful... .it wasn't, it was hell, hell so bad I have been seeing a T for 2 yrs to work past it. The breakup tore me up... it shattered illusions. I had a false self that held out to the world that I was fine, having a waif BPD mother and malignant NPD father didn't phase me... but it was ego, not reality. My BPDgf... mirrored and love bombed me till I took her for the soul mate I never had... thought she was perfect... but she was just mirroring me with my own ego image. When she dumped me every fear and hurt from childhood landed on me... .far out of proportion to the relationship ... in fact I had started questioning if I should really settle down with her, maybe I should date around... then she dumped me.

The problem wasn't what she did to me... .it was that I had ignored my own wounded core self, and she came around and pulled off all the band-aids, and made it hurt again. The sex was good, she hung on my every word like it was important (at first)... but fact is... she was disordered, and had I married her I would have been one of the 3 divorces she had... or worse yet, had a kid to have knock down dragout fights over from then on.

You are hurting, and going through grieving stages... is she is BPD... she isn't doing all that... but finding someone, anyone to mirror (act like)... and try to get to act as a stand in for her hypercritical parents. Chances are she is stuck in a loop and will do that good/bad push-pull with other people... endlessly. Twenty five years later, my pwBPD... was still at it.

The ego is what is devastated and involved in the r/s... .that is the false self. There is nothing genuine/authentic about the r/s. So long as you talk about the future, and dreams and that sort of thing... .it seems to work... but reality... now, relating with the pwBPD... is avoided at all cost. Mindfulness helps to stop fretting about the past, and making yourself miserable making up bleak futures to worry about. Get grounded in NOW, and most of your stress/pain will drop away. In time you will find out that losing a disordered partner is like losing a hemorrhoid. It is reason for joy, not ending it all.

I read your story somewhere else, yes, and I understand completely what you are saying. Myself, I've been through 10 recycles with her, and each and every time I thought that she was the one, that she was the person to make me feel better, that this time, things would be different. But after a short time, you realise they never will be. And still, I'd probably be down for another retry. It's good that my ex has a replacement now. It's safer for me. For my sake they should stay together forever.

[CloseToFreedom]

CloseToFreedom,

You are most certainly not alone in your thoughts and I'm sure that many others have felt the same way you do trying to cope with the pressures of a break-up, feelings of being alone, helpless and vulnerable. It's knowing where that line is drawn between having these thoughts and working through them and having them overwhelm us.

I've read many of your posts and comments and you appear by all intents and purposes to be on the right road to recovery, even your username has a positive vibe about it too. As you mentioned in your original post, you have a lot of good things going for you and find yourself in a place of support where others may not be as fortunate.

I also noticed from your posts that you have your family to talk to and some friends too. Have you discussed any of these feelings with your friends and family? If so, what was their view on the subject? As I know it can be difficult to talk to people close to you, have you spoken with a Therapist with regard to your situation, what you are going through right now and the thoughts and feelings you have been having? Sometimes it's good to speak to someone outside of the environment who has extensive knowledge and understanding of what you are going through and how you feel and help put things into perspective.

It can be very difficult to convey these feelings to people close to us which is why I'm glad you have raised the topic on the board as a discussion and been able to talk through your feelings and I hope it's helped bring some clarity to your situation too.

From a personal perspective, I've sat where you are but it wasn't down to r/s with pwBPD. My exgf abruptly stopped me from seeing my children because she had a new bf and didn't want any confusion. Everywhere I turned I hit a brick wall and every outcome seemed negative. To me it really felt like there was no point continuing. I couldn't speak to friends and family, especially my mother because we lost my step-father to suicide just 2 years before. It wasn't what I wanted to do but how I felt, without my children I felt my life wasn't worth continuing. I was marrried to exN/BPDw at the time so that certainly didn't help matters, if anything that made it worse, was suffering all kinds of abuse and she wasn't someone I could turn to for support either.

It was only when I started to process through my thoughts and feelings that I gained clarity. Take my own life and my exgf wins, my children will never know the truth, they are the ones who will be left with unanswered questions and most important of all, I would be giving up on them. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight at that moment in time but what it did do was give me the determination to push past all of that and get myself to a position where I could fight for my children and that became my focus and my goal. Every road block became a challenge and every challenge accomplished provided strength. I'm sat here today, several years after hitting what was my rock bottom, away from my exN/BPDw, access to my children, great job, great friends and a much happier life. I know where my rock bottom was and without those feelings I would never have known the place I never want to end up in again.

You have a lot going for you, still young, a good job, your own house and comfortable enough to talk through your feelings. You have a great support network on here with many people offering great advice and we are always around for you should you ever need to talk or need to get something off your chest. I do feel it might also benefit you to speak to someone outside of your circle too as they would be able to provide a more non-objective view and offer you that extra support as well. My T was a rock for me and a huge impact on getting my strength back to make the positive changes I needed to in my life. 

It's so good to read that you had your kids to live for, what a magnificent story. I am glad that you got out of it. And yes, you are right, I have a lot going for myself and I need to remind myself more of it. I mean, I guess I even have my looks. Girls talk to me all the time and there have been multiple offers for some serious dating. I'm not ready though, not one woman interests me. Well, except for the ex of course.

Its strange how this relationship robs you from all of your self respect. I used to be pretty pleased with myself, with my job, my financial situation, my house, my looks. Now I've been robbed from that. I feel like I'm worth NOTHING. Like I'm the scum of the earth, like I am the worst possible guy a girl could get. Incredible.

Hi CloseToFreedom,

I had SI thoughts a couple of months after my ex left. Suicidal ideation often happens during depression. Depression chemically distorts thinking, so a person can't think clearly or rationally and are consumed with thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness. It's important to realize that it's not you - it's an imbalanced perception - its not your reality.

Have you talked to a MD about depression?

It's good to read this. Its good to think about it being something chemical in your body. Makes you rationalise things. I've talked about the images in my head with my doctor, yes, so I hope he takes it serious and will appoint me a T asap.

CloseToFreedom... .

Your level of self awareness and your level of honesty is refreshing and beautiful. Truly.

You, my man... .are going to be just fine... .

Keep walking... .baby steps is OK!

You have no idea how happy this posts made me, I even had to cry for a bit. When you feel like you're worth absolutely nothing, any compliment can make you smile, and this was a beautiful one. Thank you.

I felt suicidal when I woke up this morning - intruding thoughts of slitting wrists also - so you are not alone. For me also its a combination of things, not just the BPD-ex ending, but major workload that I cant get out of while I am going through major grieving - the combination is making me a bit crazy inside - like too much, cant handle it. But I got up I breathed, fed the cats, watered the flowers, made coffee... .feeling better ... .trying really hard to just keep saying this too shall pass. Also going to worst case scenarios and showing to myself that I can cope. Like, so you lose you job... .big deal you get another one. Trying to show myself that whatever happens happens and its going to be ok.

As others said, its an opportunity for some deep healing - hopefully at some point the intensity of the pain will taper off -

Sending love and encouragement.   

I send the same to you, I hope you will find peace as soon as possible and I also hope that all the advice people give in this topic will help you as well. We are not alone with these thoughts, and we will get out of it.

[CloseToFreedom]

I know those feelings all too well. When everything fell apart I thought about ending it all regularly.

But in all that turmoil and darkness there was this small light still burning. And I now know that this small light is what kept me from acting on these thoughts.

I now also know that this small light that kept me from acting is... .  My true self. Although it was barely noticeable and faint it proved to be incredibly strong. My core, my innermost strength, the love for myself. It kept me pushing through the pain and confusion when it really became tough. One minute at a time.

It is the same light that brought you here and writing about it.

Now that I'm feeling good again (probably better than ever before in my life) I understand what an incredible waste it would have been.

Focus on that small flame and you will emerge from this nightmare sooner than you might believe now and stronger than ever.

You got this.

I will focus on that small flame. I can feel it's there, I sometimes get glimpses of them. Sometimes its enough to feel a bit better for an hour - sometimes even a few hours.

CloseToFreedom,

One of my favourite activities is parachuting. I'm working through my licenses at the moment and when the world gets overwhelming for me, I take to the skies. Its perhaps the most therapeutic thing I have ever done on so many levels.

There is an intense fear associated with leaping into nothingness from 15,000ft. The fact that my life is completely in MY hands, I can choose to pull my chute or I can choose not to. The fact I'm writing this tells you what my choice is every time. No matter how bad things have been or how difficult the road ahead feels at that moment, I still reach back and pull that chord.

Mainly for the part that comes next. When your chute opens up above you, you realise just how alive you are. Both literally and figuratively. As you float through the clouds, there isn't a care in the world up there, nobody to bother you or to trouble you, its just you and your thoughts. Below you is where the problems lie, beneath your feet and at that height the world and all its problems appear a very small place. The sun is shining where you are, the warmth on your skin and the wind in your face and it feels so good to be alive and to put aside those issues for a brief moment. It reminds me that no matter how hard things can get, nothing can take away what is most important to you and that is yourself.

No matter how bad things get for me, I know I can follow the process through. Fear of the unknown, a choice which path to take and the intense feelings of joy and happiness for the decisions I make. For me personally parachuting always gives me the clarity I need and the strength to always do the right thing for me.

That sounds awesome. I need to find some new things to do that give me excitement. Unfortunately, because of how Im feeling, its already a big challenge to do the smallest of tasks, like getting out bed and to work, getting to the gym or meeting with friends in the weekend. I do all of that, but it costs a tremendous amount of energy. I don't think I'm ready yet to explore new activities.

CloseToFreedom,

I would also like to chime in here. There was a 2 month period when I still lived with her. It was after the break up, but before I moved out. I was looking for a place to live. It was the worst time in my life ever. I have never been treated so poorly by anyone in my life than I was in that 2 month period.

Anyhow, thoughts of suicide did pass through my head. I know that I wouldn't have done it, but the thoughts were there none the less. I do remember though that I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning many times in that 2 month period.

Once I moved out though, all of those thoughts were pretty much gone by the 30 day mark. That $hit doesn't even cross my mind anymore. I'm still sad sometimes. I'm still lonely sometimes. I'm still depressed sometimes. But I have realized that my ex is a NUT with a capital "N". I still have my issues, but I'm a great person, boyfriend, and father regardless of what that "nut" thinks about me or what she does with her life. She never deserved me and I deserved much better. The same can be said for most of us here. We have a worth much greater than we realize sometimes. Give it some time and stay strong bro!

That sounds horrible! Im glad to hear that once you moved out you felt better. That's the thing though, I'm still in this house I've bought specifically for living together, she's in her new appartment. While my house is in a better part of town and, well, actually a house, and a beautiful one at that, it feels less like making a 'fresh start' so to speak. I'll just have to get used to the ghosts in these walls.


Sorry for the extremely long post with multiple quotes, but I wanted to thank you all for your replies by also replying to you. I must have missed some posts, for which I am sorry: believe me that I read and re-read them all. It is so important right now to have a place like this to share feelings.

I've been thinking (actually, thats pretty much the only consistent thing I do since the break up), and I think the thing that's bringing me down and is making it hard for me to let go, is the question: was it me or her? You might say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I'm so scared that I've let a good thing go. I'm so scared that I've let my only chance on true happiness go. She was so passionate about me, especially in the early days, she hung onto my every word. And she was faithfull, at least thats the impression I got. And I mean, if you get back with someone for 10 times, someone must be really crazy about you, right? What I'm trying to say is, is that I keep having doubts if she was the one with a PD, or me. Maybe both. I don't know. The more I hung out with her, the more I became irritated. I've also been distant. Living together enlarged those two problems. But I'd like to think that was because she would drive me to be like that. I remember when I was home from work before her, and I heard the car park in front of the house, I would get anxious. I didn't know what to expect. But perhaps she had the same thing. I don't know. That insecurety, not knowing what was the cause of this highly toxic relationship, is really doing a number on me. If I could just say to myself: alright, she was bad news, she treated you badly, its for the better, you deserve better. But I can't, not for sure. For each argument that she was bad to me, there's a counter argument, a moment where she was good or where I was the bad person.

Well, that's it for now. I have a few hours until I hit the sack and have to work tomorrow again. I guess I'm going to try and do some writing. Thanks for reading and replying folks.

[Climbmountains91]

CloseToFreedom

Im sorry to hear your feeling this way but glad you reached out to us.

I have a lot of problems with suicide especially been given the diagnoses of BPD myself and being with a exBPD, the difference I'm one thats willing to seek help and be realistic and consistent about it (awaiting intense 3 days a week psychotherapy sessions which i cant wait to get my teeth into) and am constantly since the diagnoses recognising my behaviours and try and control it, obviously sometimes i get it wrong. Like recently since last october exBPD has got me back into a recycle since then everything's been ok but tonight i think were onto the next stage of the cycle, devaluation and dis regulation and I'm feeling that rejection and I'm thinking about suicide but I'm only human aswell with or without BPD. The push/pull his put me through last week he was so loving, we shared a passionate kiss and cuddle that was a big stage for him to progress to  i thought we were at a turning point as we were taking things slow, he was progressing but for the last week his been in a dark place and hasn't even given one thought about last week cause of his dark place in his head which i sympathise with but i just feel used, one min loving, next minute nothing. He just uses me that one day a week to actually get through the day so he ent alone i find anyway, theres other bits to this but i wont bore you with it. But all i can say is, it would lead anyone to think about suicide, there horrible relationships. I respect so much to the ones that stay right now

I hope you feel better soon. ((Hugs)).

[Turkish]

CTF,.as others have said, you're not alone in thinking like this. The depression due to a break-up with a pwBPD can be very severe. I had such thought in my r/s, as I felt so devalued and worthless because I couldn't live up to her expectations. Even with a baby and a toddler, I often had the thought of stripping off most of my garmets and walkng into the hills to die of exposure on a cold winter's night. I had set up everything financially. I wouldn't be missed... .but I knew I would be. But part of me didn't care: "I grew up without a father, and I made it, so will the kids." 

Though I thought this a lot, the feelings cycled. I hated thinking like that, but it was also addicting in a way, like I was validating myself by wallowing in my own pain. It's a tough cycle from which to break, but I realized it was a cycle. I'm a bit of a tough guy on the surface. Only weak people need support, and all of that.

I stayed with the T my Ex sent me to in order to get "fixed." I landed here around the same time 16 months ago, and my T and the wonderful members here helped center me. I even cried like a baby for months, more than I had in my entire life, and probably for the first time in well over 30 years since I was a child (I made a vow to never cry again due to no other person when I was about 12... .BPD mom, and years of severe bullying by my peers).

Keep posting and talking through it with us. We're all here for each other.  

[Infared]

Close to Freedom. ...

I have thought about this some more and have read your posts... .look... .you are an extremely sensitive person. Your posts are so insightful. I get that from you. I am going to go out on a limb a little here and state that when you are that sensitive ... .it is a little more difficult to go thru life than perhaps others... .we feel EVERYTHING more that a lot of people do... but you most likely have some incredible attributes that others do not Because of your innate sensitivity.  That situation has plus sides and minus sides... .and being VERY self aware of your sensitivity and owning it as a good, but fragile thing can help you avoid some hardships. We have to set very strong boundaries, keep them in place and also in a caring way communicate to others clearly about them... .this is loving ourselves.

PwBPD seek us out and ravage us. They suck our sensitivity out of us like a child drinking from a cup with a straw... .and when they hear the noise the straw makes at the bottom of the cup... .they discard us.

We need to learn to set boundaries that allow us to stay healthy, loved and far away from the emotional predators that are out there.  It takes practice, courage, patience and forgiveness with ourselves. I know you are in pain... .but try to let part of you look at this as a learning experience. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Close to Freedom. ...

I have thought about this some more and have read your posts... .look... .you are an extremely sensitive person. Your posts are so insightful. I get that from you. I am going to go out on a limb a little here and state that when you are that sensitive ... .it is a little more difficult to go thru life than perhaps others... .we feel EVERYTHING more that a lot of people do... but you most likely have some incredible attributes that others do not Because of your innate sensitivity.  That situation has plus sides and minus sides... .and being VERY self aware of your sensitivity and owning it as a good, but fragile thing can help you avoid some hardships. We have to set very strong boundaries, keep them in place and also in a caring way communicate to others clearly about them... .this is loving ourselves.

PwBPD seek us out and ravage us. They suck our sensitivity out of us like a child drinking from a cup with a straw... .and when they hear the noise the straw makes at the bottom of the cup... .they discard us.

We need to learn to set boundaries that allow us to stay healthy, loved and far away from the emotional predators that are out there.  It takes practice, courage, patience and forgiveness with ourselves. I know you are in pain... .but try to let part of you look at this as a learning experience. 

You are right, I have always been very sensitive about this sort of stuff. When my childhood love that I was in a relationship with for 9 years and I broke up because she cheated on me, it took me around a year to really get over it. Then I began this recent relationship. So I'm really not good in coping with my feelings alone.

I recognise so much in your post. It feels like she KNEW how sensitive and broken I was because of past happenings, well I told her pretty fast in the relationship as well, but its like she smelled it on me. And she gave me everything i wanted: she was sweet, very into me, and kept hammering on how faithfull she was. Of course, once I was fully engrossed in her she started changing.

CloseToFreedom

Im sorry to hear your feeling this way but glad you reached out to us.

I have a lot of problems with suicide especially been given the diagnoses of BPD myself and being with a exBPD, the difference I'm one thats willing to seek help and be realistic and consistent about it (awaiting intense 3 days a week psychotherapy sessions which i cant wait to get my teeth into) and am constantly since the diagnoses recognising my behaviours and try and control it, obviously sometimes i get it wrong. Like recently since last october exBPD has got me back into a recycle since then everything's been ok but tonight i think were onto the next stage of the cycle, devaluation and dis regulation and I'm feeling that rejection and I'm thinking about suicide but I'm only human aswell with or without BPD. The push/pull his put me through last week he was so loving, we shared a passionate kiss and cuddle that was a big stage for him to progress to  i thought we were at a turning point as we were taking things slow, he was progressing but for the last week his been in a dark place and hasn't even given one thought about last week cause of his dark place in his head which i sympathise with but i just feel used, one min loving, next minute nothing. He just uses me that one day a week to actually get through the day so he ent alone i find anyway, theres other bits to this but i wont bore you with it. But all i can say is, it would lead anyone to think about suicide, there horrible relationships. I respect so much to the ones that stay right now

I hope you feel better soon. ((Hugs)).

That's the thing though, I've been here before 2,5 years back when we split up. It was the longest split up between us up until then, around 2 months. In that time I almost lost my job, was depressed at home and also was about to start treatment with anti depressants. Of course, once she came back I didn't need it anymore: i was on top of the world again. She really used me in the first few months back together: I did EVERYTHING for her, to get her to accept me and for her to 'forgive' me for my 'past mistakes'. It was like a queen-slave relationship, insane.

CTF,.as others have said, you're not alone in thinking like this. The depression due to a break-up with a pwBPD can be very severe. I had such thought in my r/s, as I felt so devalued and worthless because I couldn't live up to her expectations. Even with a baby and a toddler, I often had the thought of stripping off most of my garmets and walkng into the hills to die of exposure on a cold winter's night. I had set up everything financially. I wouldn't be missed... .but I knew I would be. But part of me didn't care: "I grew up without a father, and I made it, so will the kids." 

Though I thought this a lot, the feelings cycled. I hated thinking like that, but it was also addicting in a way, like I was validating myself by wallowing in my own pain. It's a tough cycle from which to break, but I realized it was a cycle. I'm a bit of a tough guy on the surface. Only weak people need support, and all of that.

I stayed with the T my Ex sent me to in order to get "fixed." I landed here around the same time 16 months ago, and my T and the wonderful members here helped center me. I even cried like a baby for months, more than I had in my entire life, and probably for the first time in well over 30 years since I was a child (I made a vow to never cry again due to no other person when I was about 12... .BPD mom, and years of severe bullying by my peers).

Keep posting and talking through it with us. We're all here for each other.  

I sometimes am afraid as well that I put myself in this place of pain. I should just snap out of it. That's what other people tell me as well. The thing with depression though, as I've learned, is that the hard thing about a depression is that you are not just able to snap out of it on your own.

[dobie]

Nearly four months out and the suicidal thoughts are probably at their strongest , I'm already on anti - d and seeing a T .

I've struggled with depression all my life and I was in a good place last three years till she did what she did and triggered it .


Reason I don't do it ? I believe if I did I would only end up in hell so its not an escape plus the affect on my family .

[Wood stock]

I had to respond to you when I saw the "s" word. My fiancé committed suicide. I found him. Went through hell. His family blames me still. Blah blah blah. But guess what: when he did it, he thought he was making some statement... .but no one-I mean NO ONE will ever really know what the statement was BECAUSE HE IS DEAD now. Death is real. Death is FOREVER, and a suicide victim permanently looks like a fool. That's how people remember a suicide victim--whether right or wrong. I don't know your story, but stick around--you might AMAZE yourself at how much you grow and how much better of a person you become for getting through whatever you need to get through.

Now to empathize with you a bit, hasn't most everyone thought of suicide at some Point in their lives? That in and of itself doesn't make you weak or make you a bad person.  Your honesty is refreshing.

I will be watching to see if you post--don't know you but am kind of concerned.

[anxiety5]

My ex was very narcissistic. I'd never do that because in some sick twisted way, that would immortalize HER more than be viewed as a tragedy.

I can't ever imagine her thinking, oh my gosh, look what I did, how bad and awful I was, oh the guilt, I can't live with myself.

It would be more like, how sad. I devastated this guy. His love for me was so intense, when he couldn't have me anymore he didn't even want to be alive. That's how much influence I have on people.

I feel like she would probably talk higher about me if I killed myself, than just as an ex. Because if I killed myself she would want the object of her affection to appear to be totally normal, amazing and fantastic guy. Because it would make her power to influence someone so well grounded that much more powerful vs. if I were all the things she called me after I broke up with her.

[CloseToFreedom]

So, an update. I have an intake meeting upcoming Wednesday where we are going to look how I am going to be treated at a therapist.

After that, the waiting is 3 to 5 weeks. Although if I can't handle it anymore they might do something sooner.

Really on the edge these days, difficulty functioning normally in daily life.

[Infared]

So, an update. I have an intake meeting upcoming Wednesday where we are going to look how I am going to be treated at a therapist.

After that, the waiting is 3 to 5 weeks. Although if I can't handle it anymore they might do something sooner.

Really on the edge these days, difficulty functioning normally in daily life.

Hey CloseToFreedom... .

Thought I would check in again with you and reinforce some of what I said above... .

Look... .I can tell you you are not alone in how you feel.  I think the majority of people are most likely less emotionally sensitive than you.   I had the same issues with a childhood love.   Way over the top gushing... .completely devastated after... .and it has been that way my whole life.  I know that most people do not feel their emotions soo intensely.

(I am also a kickass photographer and most people cannot do that at the level that I do... .my sensitivity allows that on the positive side).  

What I had to learn was coping skills (some take medication and I am not in that school... .God made me this way... .so let her rip is my attitude). LOL!

Therapy is a good, good place to go... .just stay calm and go with it... .you will have fear... but you will laugh about that later! really... .Its just a process... .but remember, this is very important... .if you do not click with the therapist... its OK to ask for/find another one.  In a depress beat up state (and in my case with low self-esteem) its hard to evaluate a process that is new to you and then decide that it needs a change.  Patience is the best... .What happened with me is that I had a therapist that just was not helping me set and achieve goals... .so after some of the agony of the abandonment got to about an 8 (instead of defcom 20! LOL!)... .I sought out someone who was WAAAAAAAAAY better.  So all I am saying is be vigilant, see how you are feeling and hey... .its ok to speak up and take care of you.   At least you have an approx. date to look forward to... .

In the meantime just try to keep busy and talk about your feelings as much as you can and maybe journal...  I could not cope for months and months... .if you can imagine ... .I am like 6'1"  230lbs... .not young... .and I got a job in the winter doing construction in the cold and snow (actually that part was good for me ... .it got me out of myself and kept me in the moment)... but I was so broken and up set... .I would usually cry on my way to the job... .then had to put on Man-Face for the other guys and then let it all out again on the way home... .like I was saving it up all day... .it was brutal... .really brutal... I wish that upon no one.  ... .but I kept fighting to live life and move forward... even when I did not want to.  I met some REALLY cool people along the way too.  Stellar.

You will get better... .and it is FANTASTIC that you have a supportive family and that you are being honest with them.  That is a HUGE ace in the hole!  

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for the support Infared.

Finally, its almost wednesday, then I'll have my intake conversation with the T. I will make it clear to him that I am having great difficulty just coping with daily life. I'm really hanging on with all that I've got now, but its getting harder. So here's hoping they get me some help fast.