Intro-- new

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

Was in a live-in relationship with my ex for 9 months. Was the happiest time of my life, ours so I thought. Super team that could face whatever life threw at us. marriage and kids in the near future. bliss.

Asked me to move out 3 weeks before Christmas. I was devastated. Week 3 of the "break" and I couldn't hack it anymore. I started being honest with myself and my dad got me to see that my bf had actually been quite controlling and emotionally abusive towards me. I snapped. All the pent up anger at what I'd endured finally came out and I broke up with him via text on Christmas Day, and let our extended network know via Facebook that I'd been emotionally abused. I even posted about a specific incident. At that moment I thought he was a monster devoid of empathy. First real love, I didn't quite know how to deal with the emotional aftermath of a breakup.

One month later and much soul searching, I've realised how wrong I was about him. There was no intent or malice. Totally irrational.

Last contact was a week ago. We told each other "I love you". He cant yet face the abuse and is incredibly upset with what I did and i fear will never trust me again. His father was verbally abusive.

I hope we can be friends. I'd like to learn how to relate to his behaviour in a more supportive manner, and not take his nastiness to heart.

I don't want to abandon him. He was always so terrified of it. I guess that's why I never saw the break coming.

I guess all I can do is rebuild my life and wait until he reaches out. If ever.

[Quackked]

Hi

Was in a live-in relationship with my ex for 9 months. Was the happiest time of my life, ours so I thought. Super team that could face whatever life threw at us. marriage and kids in the near future. bliss.

Asked me to move out 3 weeks before Christmas. I was devastated. Week 3 of the "break" and I couldn't hack it anymore. I started being honest with myself and my dad got me to see that my bf had actually been quite controlling and emotionally abusive towards me. I snapped. All the pent up anger at what I'd endured finally came out and I broke up with him via text on Christmas Day, and let our extended network know via Facebook that I'd been emotionally abused. I even posted about a specific incident. At that moment I thought he was a monster devoid of empathy. First real love, I didn't quite know how to deal with the emotional aftermath of a breakup.

One month later and much soul searching, I've realised how wrong I was about him. There was no intent or malice. Totally irrational.

Last contact was a week ago. We told each other "I love you". He cant yet face the abuse and is incredibly upset with what I did and i fear will never trust me again. His father was verbally abusive.

I hope we can be friends. I'd like to learn how to relate to his behaviour in a more supportive manner, and not take his nastiness to heart.

I don't want to abandon him. He was always so terrified of it. I guess that's why I never saw the break coming.

I guess all I can do is rebuild my life and wait until he reaches out. If ever.

[cloudten]

I can relate to every word you wrote. I lived with my uBPD on/off bf for a year. He never kicked me out though- but it would have devastated me. I am still figuring everything out and am still relatively new here too. I think I am figuring out that BPDs only know how to break up one way- and that is leave. They can't emotionally handle any other way. They can't sit down and have a rational adult conversation. But it is devastating.

The only thing I know to tell you as I have obviously failed at keeping my BPD out of my life... .is to focus on yourself. Find the things that make you happy... .find something and take a deep dive into it. Finding something new helped me a lot... .something I never would have thought to do before. One of the things I tried that was a HUGE look into myself was rock climbing. I only did it once, but you wouldn't believe what an exercise it is in trusting yourself... .physically and mentally.

I found I lost a lot of relationships with family and friends. I worked on rebuilding those too. Now that I am back with BPD, I am finding that I am losing them again. They don't want to watch me get hurt again... .and this time they see me making an intentional decision to.

Focus on yourself and learn what you can about BPD to avoid it again or to deal with it when he comes back around. I think you will find that if/when he comes back around, you will be stronger, more assertive, and less tolerant of the B.S.  Unhealthy people seek unhealthy relationships. Healthy people seek healthy relationships and see unhealthy for what they are- unhealthy.

I think he will reach out- and you need to be strong enough to make a decision for yourself as to how you will respond, if at all. verbal abuse is still abuse.

[Mutt]

 Hi Quackked!



I like what cloudten says that you can't sit down and have a rational adult conversation. Your exes are emotionally arrested at the age of 2-4.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity

I hope we can be friends. I'd like to learn how to relate to his behaviour in a more supportive manner, and not take his nastiness to heart.

I have kids with my ex and my kids are young. The youngest is 3.  They have unconditional love for mom and I don't want to alienate the kids from mom. They're going to come to dad at some point and are going to ask questions. I think you can have compassion with boundaries.

I chose to learn about the disorder as to de-personalize the behaviors. Her behaviors are driven by the disorder and it's not personal to me. Indifference with BPD behaviors can be a goal you can choose to set for yourself. I hope that helps.