Lost and found

[Woolspinner2000]

Have you ever lost something and then later found it?

Have you ever lost something of yourself and then later found that it is for the better that you lost it and didn’t find it again?

For example, I remember when first becoming aware of BPD and that my mom had it, bit by bit I began to lose the definition of who I thought I was, for of course my definition was wrapped up in her and by her. Essentially I didn’t have any definition. At first I was so incredibly lost, having dropped the identity of who I thought I was and what defined me, and I had no idea who I was anymore. After quite some time I found out that it was actually good that this happened because I began the search to find out who I am separate from my mom.

Recently I lost a tangible object. It was a sapphire stone in a ring my parents gave me for my high school graduation over 30 years ago. It was something I had actually asked for, wanted and  received-what a shock! And it was before they divorced. I was devastated to lose it because it was a remnant of something I had, one little treasure from a devastating childhood. It meant a lot to me.

Losing the stone though has unlocked some things in me: a door to grief, and memories long since buried. It took losing it to allow me to realize I was holding onto remnants of what defined me, those shreds of what I imagined were the good parts of my FOO, but those things were gone long ago. I think Little Wools was hanging on too, but reality has hit us both. Opening this door and allowing myself (and Lil Wools) to really grieve, deeply, for perhaps the first time, has been good for it is allowing those long buried seeds of hope, hidden within my soul, to begin to sprout from my tears. There is hope that good will come from all of this, and I am beginning to see it. New life is growing within my heart, saying the old is gone, the new is coming. Ah, it is hard! But I can say it is good too. I have hated to face the reality of aspects of my childhood, but the soul cleansing began because of the loss.

Are there things you can share that you have lost and been glad you haven't found? Or perhaps you have lost something and then been glad you found it? These can be real objects, parts of our emotions, feelings, etc., especially as relates to our healing.

Woolspinner

[rebl.brown]

Dear Wooly,

This is such a good post.  There are lots of things we need to lose and never find again.  Guilt, shame, your ring represents so much.  A great metaphor, especially since it was a treasure from childhood when your family was still together.  I think you really have to lose the idea of what you wish things were before you can see the truth of the past and then the next blessed step, learning to have hope for the future.  Takes a long time doesn't it?  I cleaned out my family home today.  I thought it would freak me out.  Healing has really begun to take hold.  What a wonder peace is. Thanks for your thoughts.

Reb

[clljhns]

Hi Woolspinner,

Interesting topic!

I thought long and hard about what I might have lost, but then found again. Since 2010, I have felt off-kilter. Not very strong in will or spirit. I have had many doubts about myself and my abilities. I just didn't have the energy or drive that I once did. Recently, I have discovered a new dimension to myself. Not that this was something that I possessed before, so I hope this still counts as a lost and found experience.

I have discovered that I like who I am. I like that I don't get emotionally embroiled in other people's issues. This was a huge hurdle for me. I used to take everything people said and did to me personally. I looked for a hidden agenda. Very difficult to develop and maintain a relationship with anyone when you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always expecting some bad to happen. Anticipating the next drama in the saga of my life. This no longer exists for me. Such a calm state of being. I am not frightened by what might be anymore. I truly live in the moment. I am open to people and don't have hidden fears that they might do something to hurt me. Actually, it has made me more aware of those who don't have the best intentions and those who do. I finally have embraced who I am, warts and all. I like who I am, which is something that I couldn't have said a year ago.

A clear example of how far I have come is how I see my colleagues at work. One of my coworkers has some definite signs of NPD, but I just don't care what she does with that, even when it affects me. She has undermined me and another coworker on more than one occasion. I just don't worry about what will happen, and I don't give much thought to it. I go to work and do my job. It feels so freeing to not have any emotional stake in her behavior. So, while I can recognize these people, I don't attach myself to the issue, and thereby attaching myself to them. I think this was the hardest lesson for me. The more time and energy I gave to people who I felt slighted me, the more attached I became to them.

I am feeling more confident and feel like I am coming into my own, albeit at such a late stage in life. One of the other perks to this new approach to my life is new friendships. I have made friends in the new state I moved to two years ago. I wasn't open to that idea last year, but feel ready to expand myself and include new friendships. I am not afraid that they will see my secrets and judge me. We are all pretty much in the same boat. No one is perfect, and no one had a perfect childhood.

Thanks for posting this thread and allowing me to review my progress!

Wishing you all the best!

[losthero]

Dear Woolspinner,  i think I understand what you mean.  After learning more about BPD and my role as daughter/ enmeshed enabler and how I wasnt really independent of her influence and control has truly affected me. It stripped me of an identity I thought I had, maybe I did have but it wasnt really a healthy one.  I feel lost too, trying to find me.  I'm not sure who I really am anymore.  I cant go back to the "old" me because my eyes have been opened now to the dysfunction of it.  Part of me I can keep so I am trying to build off if that.  I am mourning the loss of what I had always wished for with my mom, the loss of large parts of my childhood, and parts of the old me.  Sometimes Im strong and empowered and sometimes I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness.  Im no contact right now until i am strong enough and enlightened enough to have a relationship with her and my only sibling whom I believe is histrionic and married to a NPD(not diagnosed).   I hope you continue to find yourself and thrive.

[Woolspinner2000]

I love all of the responses so far! Each one is well thought out. I like how you've taken apart and separated the things you've lost and then also the new things you've found. Great applications!

Reblbrown, I really like what you have said here:

I think you really have to lose the idea of what you wish things were before you can see the truth of the past and then the next blessed step, learning to have hope for the future... .I cleaned out my family home today.  I thought it would freak me out.  Healing has really begun to take hold.  What a wonder peace is.

How true that is, and for me especially, that I needed to lose the idea of what I wish things were. I didn't even realize I was doing this, but losing the ring brought it (pardon the pun... .) full circle.     I must say you were brave in cleaning out your family home! Good job on doing so well and what an indicator of healing for you! I've had dreams lately of my FOO home, and in a couple of those dreams I was an adult standing outside, being invited in but not able to go there yet. I'm thankful I don't have to at this time.

Clljhns,

Wow, look at all the wonderful things you have found, all of these incredible strengths! Way to go! 

I have discovered that I like who I am. I like that I don't get emotionally embroiled in other people's issues. This was a huge hurdle for me. I used to take everything people said and did to me personally. I like who I am, which is something that I couldn't have said a year ago.

I just don't worry about what will happen, and I don't give much thought to it. I go to work and do my job. It feels so freeing to not have any emotional stake in her behavior.

I am feeling more confident and feel like I am coming into my own, albeit at such a late stage in life. One of the other perks to this new approach to my life is new friendships.

You've 'lost' so much of what held you captive, and you've 'found' other much better boundaries and mental health as a result. A happy sigh for you. 

Losthero,

Thank you for sharing about yourself. You too have come a long way, recognizing the 'loss' of yourself but the great news is that you are also now finding the new you, just like me.

I cant go back to the "old" me because my eyes have been opened now to the dysfunction of it.  Part of me I can keep so I am trying to build off if that.   Sometimes Im strong and empowered and sometimes I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. 

It is a tough journey into the unknown, but the farther down the road I get, I can assure you it does get better. 

Wools