Email sent to me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Need some clarification guys as my mind as of late has been all over the place.  For those of you who had read my story thanks.  

NYE we got into arguement and she went full blown NC on me and basically painted me black since I've been blocked on every social media outlet and number.  I finally sent her an email asking for explanations and that her actions questioned if she loves me and I hope she gets in a better place in life, etc.  I wasn't even thinking she would respond. But sends this:  

" I did love you but with little to no growth in the past 6 months after the lease was cancelled it has me feeling unhappy and I'm sure it shows. You can blame whatever feelings you had on canceling the lease but unfortunately that was a major downfall in our relationship that I wish never had to happen, idk how much more you wanted a person to show you as far as commitment by signing their life away to share and grow with you for a year. Something changed inside for me and it was a terrible feeling esp since u failed to reach out to me to make up for what you had done even three months after! I just feel like if you truly loved me and wanted us to be together it should'nt have taken losing me to get there.

I do think personal growth is necessary for us both, I need to heal from all the pain I have endured from the past and move forward alone in a happy place before I can ever let anyone else in. I had problems trusting ppl before bc of what N had done to me and to be honest you opened up a bad scar by what you did. Regardless of what has happened I don't hold any bad feelings towards you, I just find us in a tough space and I think we need to grown as individuals before we can ever be able to make things work. Im sure there is plenty you want to accomplish and work on as well, and I hope you get there with or without me"

Is this closure from a BPD? Or is she just trying to further the smear campaign

[Nn877]

Need some clarification guys as my mind as of late has been all over the place.  For those of you who had read my story thanks.  

NYE we got into arguement and she went full blown NC on me and basically painted me black since I've been blocked on every social media outlet and number.  I finally sent her an email asking for explanations and that her actions questioned if she loves me and I hope she gets in a better place in life, etc.  I wasn't even thinking she would respond. But sends this:  

" I did love you but with little to no growth in the past 6 months after the lease was cancelled it has me feeling unhappy and I'm sure it shows. You can blame whatever feelings you had on canceling the lease but unfortunately that was a major downfall in our relationship that I wish never had to happen, idk how much more you wanted a person to show you as far as commitment by signing their life away to share and grow with you for a year. Something changed inside for me and it was a terrible feeling esp since u failed to reach out to me to make up for what you had done even three months after! I just feel like if you truly loved me and wanted us to be together it should'nt have taken losing me to get there.

I do think personal growth is necessary for us both, I need to heal from all the pain I have endured from the past and move forward alone in a happy place before I can ever let anyone else in. I had problems trusting ppl before bc of what N had done to me and to be honest you opened up a bad scar by what you did. Regardless of what has happened I don't hold any bad feelings towards you, I just find us in a tough space and I think we need to grown as individuals before we can ever be able to make things work. Im sure there is plenty you want to accomplish and work on as well, and I hope you get there with or without me"

Is this closure from a BPD? Or is she just trying to further the smear campaign

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Nn877,

I think the email was her attempt at closure.  It seems that there are quite a few honest statements in it. 

I do think personal growth is necessary for us both,

Do you agree with this statement?

I need to heal from all the pain I have endured from the past and move forward alone in a happy place before I can ever let anyone else in. I had problems trusting ppl before bc of what N had done to me and to be honest you opened up a bad scar by what you did. Regardless of what has happened I don't hold any bad feelings towards you, I just find us in a tough space and I think we need to grown as individuals before we can ever be able to make things work. Im sure there is plenty you want to accomplish and work on as well, and I hope you get there with or without me"

This is a lot of self awareness on her part.

How do you feel about the email?  Do you think that there is some truth in it?

[shatra]

You wrote

Is this closure from a BPD?

-----What do you mean by closure?  Closure can mean having a clear, definite answer to a set of questions about a relationship, but not necessarily ending the relationship.

  She wrote to you about both needing to grow before "ever making things work". That doesn't sound like the end of a relationship. But the word closure can mean defining and understanding a topic, not ending it.  So if you mean that when you say closure, it might be.

Shatra

[Nn877]

This email was sent after ___ initiated NC on me over a petty fight and then blocked me.  I've been nc since nye when the fight occurred.   She actually texted me today saying my watch is at her place. 

My struggle with this relationship is she never fully accepted my love or at least appreciated it. 

As of late now my friends are telling me she was "playing" me during the r/s and I did have trust issues with her but hearing this brought out a lot of emotions, painful ones.  I want to accuse her and seek answers but I know she will lie.  Should I even go get the watch? It's funny it took her 2 weeks to tell me, I know she knew it was there the night she kicked me out.  What do you guys think?

[EaglesJuju]

This email was sent after initiated NC on me over a petty fight and then blocked me.  I've been nc since nye when the fight occurred.   She actually texted me today saying my watch is at her place. 

My struggle with this relationship is she never fully accepted my love or at least appreciated it. 

As of late now my friends are telling me she was "playing" me during the r/s and I did have trust issues with her but hearing this brought out a lot of emotions, painful ones.  I want to accuse her and seek answers but I know she will lie.  Should I even go get the watch? It's funny it took her 2 weeks to tell me, I know she knew it was there the night she kicked me out.  What do you guys think?

She is most likely trying to reconnect.  Do you want to reconnect with her?  What do you think will happen if you go over there and get the watch?

[Nn877]

I'm not sure.  I think she wants to see how I will react or if I'm still wanting her.  I really don't know what will happen.  Maybe she just wants to give me my stuff back? I am somewhat hestitant though. 

[shatra]

Can uu clarify by what you mean by "closure"? Do u mean

=getting closure: understanding the ending, and ending it

OR

=getting closure: understanding the answers to questions you still have, and then possibly continuing the relationship?

Shatra

[EaglesJuju]

I'm not sure.  I think she wants to see how I will react or if I'm still wanting her.  I really don't know what will happen.  Maybe she just wants to give me my stuff back? I am somewhat hestitant though. 

I think it is a good idea to be hesitant and cautious. Take the time to carefully consider the possible outcomes before deciding.

[Nn877]

So after the build up and back and forth we agreed to meet up at her work today(we literally work right next to each other) I text her I'm gonna stop by can you step out and she replies, she didn't go to work today... .

I mean it took me texting her first to find that out? What if I showed up? No heads up at all. I haven't responded I don't know if she is either sick from going out last night which I think is the case or something else but I'm mad she could of at least told me this morning.

[EaglesJuju]

So after the build up and back and forth we agreed to meet up at her work today(we literally work right next to each other) I text her I'm gonna stop by can you step out and she replies, she didn't go to work today... .

I mean it took me texting her first to find that out? What if I showed up? No heads up at all. I haven't responded I don't know if she is either sick from going out last night which I think is the case or something else but I'm mad she could of at least told me this morning.

Unfortunately this is the nature of the disorder, impulsive, contradictory, and erratic behavior.   

What are you going to text her?

[Restored2]

Nn877:  She presents as being quite self aware.  She appears to be open to the possibilities of revisiting your relationship again down the road.  The question is, would you want to revisit the relationship with her again?

[Nn877]

I don't know, it's an nice watch I've had for awhile and she was the one who initiated for me to get it but twice now she has changed plans on me.  I can't get angry cause I know she'll just say screw it... .I'm considering just asking if I can stop by her place to get it... .thoughts? I do still love her but this last fight we had on nye pushed me far away and numb now. 

[Restored2]

Nn877:  I understand you feeling numb.  However, it appears that you are more interested in getting your watch back than the actual relationship.  This speaks volumes... .

[hope2727]

NN877,

Buy a new watch. Seriously. Mine likely has things of mine. He certainly left things of his here. I gave him a day to come sort his things out. I warned him I would dispose of anything left behind as I saw fit. Now I am. AND... .I bought myself a new watch. It is a perpetual motion watch to remind me that as long as I keep moving time will march on. If I stop moving time stops. So grieve your watch and your relationship and keep moving.

[Nn877]

Well she agreed on Tuesday to give it back,  and it's not so much as me just wanting the watch back more than her... .this is our 3rd breakup and probably 15 mini recycles in between.  I'm exhausted now and maybe a year ago I would be a complete mess but after the constant push pull and trying to fix things or look past missteps in the past I'm at a state of indifference now. 

Don't get me wrong I do miss her but it's more so I miss what we used to be not just her, she also has a five year old son which I have grown close to these past 2.5 years and I sorta buckled last night texted that I missed him.  What was very odd was her response... .she said "I know... .I'll bring your watch to work on Tuesday."

Then she texted me this: "my fav movie with Ryan gosling is on... .I thought of you because you used to hate it for me being obsessed with him." 

I didn't respond to that being only texts so far have been extremely limited last 3 weeks since b/u and only about my stuff.  What do you guys make of this?

[Restored2]

Nn877:  I understand your frustration with feeling exhausted and indifferent from what she has put you though.  BPD people can make so much work in a relationship. 

She seems to be giving you the full gamut of mixed messages, including inappropriately trying to stir up your feelings of jealousy towards Ryan Gosling.

I can also relate to you missing her boy which you have grown close to.  My gal was a single mother of 5 children and I really miss them all.  It has not been easy.