My reactions upon learning that my girlfriend has BPD

[woob1124]

I have recently learned that my girlfriend of 7 years has BPD.  Although she hasn't officially been diagnosed by a doctor, it is definitely clear that this is the case.  When I read other discussions on this board, it is like there is a camera in my house.  Now that I think back, I think of all of the weirdness and worry and sadness that I have endured, and thought that I was alone.  Everything makes sense now: the rage, the insults, the fights with no end and no apology, the shoplifting, the drug abuse, the psychotic episode, the anger she feels when I leave the house, the meltdowns in the middle of the night, the constant ailments... .and on and on.

Unfortunately, learning about the disease has not empowered me.  If anything, it has made me feel more trapped and alone than ever before.  I am realizing that all of my options are going to be painful and difficult, and that I have about one grain of energy left to deal with it.  I'm also realizing the extent of my denial over the situation.  I caught myself, during a calmer period, completely forgetting the full day of screaming insults from the day before.  I'm realizing that the hope that I was holding onto, for her to make a break though and own up to the behavior that I have endured, is never going to happen... .and that's painful

It's painful to realize that this disease has completely hijacked my life.  I can't eat, sleep, work, go out, or speak unless it is done within the parameters of her ever changing demands.  Part of the problem, is that I am a recovering addict myself.  Part of the recovery process, is to learn of, and establish my own identity, which I have neglected most of my life.  My identity instead has, among other things become the person who runs errands for the person who can't bear to leave the house.  I have become the person who is now sneaking downstairs in order to post a message on this board with fear that I may be caught.  Every minute of every day is controlled by her in some way.

Tonight I am going to visit a support group in town, that deals with partners of BPD sufferers.  Honestly, my hopes are not high.  However, this is my first step towards some resolution, and I am happy to have found, and be accepted by this elite group of unbelievable resolve.  I hope that some day I can pay it forward. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Grey Kitty]

Hello woob1124 and 

You have read a lot of the difficult stuff already. Nothing I can say will take the sting out of it.

And no, there is nothing that is easy about the life you are living today.

However there is good news--you are learning about it. The first part is learning that it is happening.

The second part is learning what you can do about it. No, you can't 'cure' her.

However, you can do a HUGE amount to take care of yourself, and make your life much more manageable and happier.

You say the disease hijacked your life. Time to change course and put your life back on track. And it is the disease that did it, not your girlfriend.

I'd recommend you start by leaving rather than listening to the rages. Since she can't bear to leave the house, that makes it easier on--you know she won't follow you!

Trust me... .once you learn to enforce boundaries to protect yourself from the raging and verbal/emotional abuse, you will find an amazing amount of your energy returning!

Hang in there, and keep on sharing your story--it really helps!

 GK

[waverider]

Boundaries are the key to this. You have non.

Start with a simple one to teach yourself they are possible to achieve.

Rages and abuse are the first. Balance this with a boundary about your right to go to the support group. It may not be the answer to all your problems in itself but it is a good reason to establish making boundaries. You have to start somewhere