Letter from my ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've received many letters and texts from his since leaving two months ago, but this one was a bit more... .articulate than the others. 

When we were together, he refused to tolerate disagreement of any kind.  "Just shut up and do what I say for once!" was a pretty common refrain.  Now I understand his need for merger in order to feel secure, which I think emerges pretty clearly from this letter, along with some rather surprising NPD traits?  He's not in therapy of any kind, btw.  (Letter is translated, edited for length, some paraphrasing.  He switches between present and past a few times, making it a little confusing).

"Recently, I haven't felt proud of myself.  I've felt unimportant, exposed to the judgment of others and considered in a way completely opposite to how I desire to be seen: unworthy, inadequate, incapable.  I've felt unappreciated and unloved.  And I've felt ashamed, ashamed for not giving others reasons to love me or appreciate me and, thus, ashamed for being a worthless person.  Shame for having exposed myself too much to the judgment of others, whom I have permitted to enter in my deepest self.

This shame was followed by anger: I wasn't being recognized for all that I've done, I felt my needs weren't being met, I didn't feel like a special and important person.

This anger invaded me and managed to suffocate all the positive emotions in me.  I'm shocked at its strength.

I felt bitterness and resentment growing in me day after day.  I felt like a victim, beliving I was unjustly criticised.  I felt the desire to get revenge.

Then something happened.  I realized that I, too, had wounded, had criticised, had made others feel unloved, unappreciated, judged differently than they wanted, invaded in their most intimate sphere.  And I didn't even realize I was wounding, and wounding deeply.

And at this point I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for not having understood the suffering that my criticism could cause to a very sensitive person.  I felt guilt for not having made her feel special, important, worthy of being loved.

This guilt made me ask myself why I acted the way I did.

And I understood that my criticisms, my intollerance towards someone whose thoughts were different than my own and my refusal to accept that person in all their differences was caused by a fear that I felt: the fear that my principles, values and ideas would be contested, questioned, and denied. 

In other words, I was afraid that my values and principles wouldn't be respected.  And I interpreted the questioning of my ideas as a attack on my person: as if the other told me, “you're wrong, your values are all wrong because you don't know anything, you're such an idiot that only you could choose such stupid values.”

I was reliving painful episodes of my past, in my family of origin, where I was harshly chastized  if I said or did anything in contrast with the ideas of others.

Reflecting on all this, I felt a sense of relief when I understood that this was a distorted interpretation, born of the fact that I feel like a person of little value.  The comments, that I saw as criticisms, hurt me and were intollerable to me beacuse I felt that they were saying that my principles were wrong and absurd and thus I, the person who chose them, was worthless and stupid.    This is why I couldn't accept them.

But the person who was making these comments didn't want to offend me.  What I saw as criticims was in reality something else: the other person was just voicing their opinions and even if I didn't agree, I needed to respect them.  And I could have gone further, trying to listen with attention, because I could have found in them something useful for my personal growth.

Rage and bitterness were no longer controlling me.  My positive emotions reemerged: love and tenderness were not dead, just buried beneath a mountain of hate, waiting to be pulled forth again.  I returned to seeing you as an important and special person, not as an enemy."

[ciel]

I've received many letters and texts from his since leaving two months ago, but this one was a bit more... .articulate than the others. 

When we were together, he refused to tolerate disagreement of any kind.  "Just shut up and do what I say for once!" was a pretty common refrain.  Now I understand his need for merger in order to feel secure, which I think emerges pretty clearly from this letter, along with some rather surprising NPD traits?  He's not in therapy of any kind, btw.  (Letter is translated, edited for length, some paraphrasing.  He switches between present and past a few times, making it a little confusing).

"Recently, I haven't felt proud of myself.  I've felt unimportant, exposed to the judgment of others and considered in a way completely opposite to how I desire to be seen: unworthy, inadequate, incapable.  I've felt unappreciated and unloved.  And I've felt ashamed, ashamed for not giving others reasons to love me or appreciate me and, thus, ashamed for being a worthless person.  Shame for having exposed myself too much to the judgment of others, whom I have permitted to enter in my deepest self.

This shame was followed by anger: I wasn't being recognized for all that I've done, I felt my needs weren't being met, I didn't feel like a special and important person.

This anger invaded me and managed to suffocate all the positive emotions in me.  I'm shocked at its strength.

I felt bitterness and resentment growing in me day after day.  I felt like a victim, beliving I was unjustly criticised.  I felt the desire to get revenge.

Then something happened.  I realized that I, too, had wounded, had criticised, had made others feel unloved, unappreciated, judged differently than they wanted, invaded in their most intimate sphere.  And I didn't even realize I was wounding, and wounding deeply.

And at this point I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for not having understood the suffering that my criticism could cause to a very sensitive person.  I felt guilt for not having made her feel special, important, worthy of being loved.

This guilt made me ask myself why I acted the way I did.

And I understood that my criticisms, my intollerance towards someone whose thoughts were different than my own and my refusal to accept that person in all their differences was caused by a fear that I felt: the fear that my principles, values and ideas would be contested, questioned, and denied. 

In other words, I was afraid that my values and principles wouldn't be respected.  And I interpreted the questioning of my ideas as a attack on my person: as if the other told me, “you're wrong, your values are all wrong because you don't know anything, you're such an idiot that only you could choose such stupid values.”

I was reliving painful episodes of my past, in my family of origin, where I was harshly chastized  if I said or did anything in contrast with the ideas of others.

Reflecting on all this, I felt a sense of relief when I understood that this was a distorted interpretation, born of the fact that I feel like a person of little value.  The comments, that I saw as criticisms, hurt me and were intollerable to me beacuse I felt that they were saying that my principles were wrong and absurd and thus I, the person who chose them, was worthless and stupid.    This is why I couldn't accept them.

But the person who was making these comments didn't want to offend me.  What I saw as criticims was in reality something else: the other person was just voicing their opinions and even if I didn't agree, I needed to respect them.  And I could have gone further, trying to listen with attention, because I could have found in them something useful for my personal growth.

Rage and bitterness were no longer controlling me.  My positive emotions reemerged: love and tenderness were not dead, just buried beneath a mountain of hate, waiting to be pulled forth again.  I returned to seeing you as an important and special person, not as an enemy."

[Infared]

Is that a letter from your ex or an example of "grandiosity" as printed after the definition of the word in the Webster's Dictionary? 

[HappyNihilist]

When we were together, he refused to tolerate disagreement of any kind.  "Just shut up and do what I say for once!" was a pretty common refrain. 

That sounds familiar. My exBPDbf often said the same thing.

Now I understand his need for merger in order to feel secure, which I think emerges pretty clearly from this letter, along with some rather surprising NPD traits?  He's not in therapy of any kind, btw. 

His letter shows some self-awareness and realization, which is always a good thing. But yes, I see a lot of narcissism, too -- whether it's NPD or not (borderlines are narcissistic, too, but it comes from a different place than with NPD). His insecurities about how he "appears" to others seem NPDish. And he's completely focused on himself and his feelings. Your feelings are only important because they make him feel guilty.

Recently, I haven't felt proud of myself.  I've felt unimportant, exposed to the judgment of others and considered in a way completely opposite to how I desire to be seen: unworthy, inadequate, incapable.

I find it interesting that he says he's been judged in a way opposite to how he "desires to be seen" - not how he is.

I've felt unappreciated and unloved.  And I've felt ashamed, ashamed for not giving others reasons to love me or appreciate me and, thus, ashamed for being a worthless person.  Shame for having exposed myself too much to the judgment of others, whom I have permitted to enter in my deepest self.

Persecution complex... .fear of judgment... .fear of engulfment... .shame and self-loathing... .

This shame was followed by anger: I wasn't being recognized for all that I've done, I felt my needs weren't being met, I didn't feel like a special and important person.

As much as anything can be "classic" BPD, this sounds like it. This is the crux of why partners get kicked off the pedestal, why nothing is ever "good enough." The borderline is desperately trying to find someone who can fulfill deep, primal unmet needs - needs that no one else can ever meet. The narcissistic borderline also demands that everything revolve around them - like a small child screaming, "ME ME ME!" - and when reality gets in the way, the BPD mind interprets that as rejection.

BPD is a persecution complex. People in the borderline's will always eventually "fail," and the borderline will happily slide into the victim role.

This anger invaded me and managed to suffocate all the positive emotions in me.  I'm shocked at its strength.

I felt bitterness and resentment growing in me day after day.  I felt like a victim, beliving I was unjustly criticised.  I felt the desire to get revenge.

Yep.

Then something happened.  I realized that I, too, had wounded, had criticised, had made others feel unloved, unappreciated, judged differently than they wanted, invaded in their most intimate sphere.  And I didn't even realize I was wounding, and wounding deeply.

And at this point I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for not having understood the suffering that my criticism could cause to a very sensitive person.  I felt guilt for not having made her feel special, important, worthy of being loved.

This guilt made me ask myself why I acted the way I did.

It's very good that he realized he hurt and misjudged others, especially people who cared about him, and that this prompted him to examine his behavior. Self-inquiry is always good.

But he still can't accept the full burden of responsibility. Yes, he did some bad things, but he didn't realize they were hurtful! He feels guilty for being ignorant that he was hurting someone. This is not the same as saying, "I'm sorry I hurt people. That was a lame move on my part."

And I understood that my criticisms, my intollerance towards someone whose thoughts were different than my own and my refusal to accept that person in all their differences was caused by a fear that I felt: the fear that my principles, values and ideas would be contested, questioned, and denied. 

In other words, I was afraid that my values and principles wouldn't be respected.  And I interpreted the questioning of my ideas as a attack on my person: as if the other told me, “you're wrong, your values are all wrong because you don't know anything, you're such an idiot that only you could choose such stupid values.”

This is in no way an uncommon fear or defense mechanism, PD or not. It's good that he has recognized this cognitive distortion, and hopefully will use this knowledge to work on this aspect of his behavior.

I was reliving painful episodes of my past, in my family of origin, where I was harshly chastized  if I said or did anything in contrast with the ideas of others.

This makes sense. It doesn't excuse his behavior, by any means, but it does help explain it. pwBPD react to triggering events as if they were reliving those past traumas right then and there. If he grew up being punished for questioning his family's values (and also, by the sound of it, being rigidly indoctrinated with those ideas), then it makes sense that he would respond so intensely when his ideas are challenged.

But the person who was making these comments didn't want to offend me.  What I saw as criticims was in reality something else: the other person was just voicing their opinions and even if I didn't agree, I needed to respect them.  And I could have gone further, trying to listen with attention, because I could have found in them something useful for my personal growth.

These are all good realizations. Whether or not he can put them into consistent practice is another story.

Rage and bitterness were no longer controlling me.  My positive emotions reemerged: love and tenderness were not dead, just buried beneath a mountain of hate, waiting to be pulled forth again.  I returned to seeing you as an important and special person, not as an enemy.

Translation = you've been painted white again.

And I have to say, that last sentence just makes me   a little... .it just reeks of this idea that you should feel so grateful and honored and special to have risen once again in his esteem. 

ciel, the most important thing is, how are you feeling about this? 

[ciel]

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response... .it really helps.

It was quite startling to see him spell out so clearly the distortions that I've been dealing with for all these years and seeing the extent to which he is adrift in a stormy sea of emotions, over which he denies having any control or any responsibility. 

He refuses any individual therapy, so this letter was definitely intended to show me that he doesn't need professional help, he can handle his mental health all on his own.  The reality is that it reveals all the more why that's not the case. My response to his letter... .since I've made clear to him my boundary that I won't discuss personal things or our relationship except in the presence of our couple's therapist... .was to say, "these are important thoughts you should be discussing with your own therapist, not with me."  End of story.

It's not my problem any more. 

Thank God I'm out and can shut the door on that madness.  I don't care if I'm painted white or black: I just want him to leave me alone.  But until then, there's no choice but to cling to those boundaries and live my (quiet, calm, joyful) new life.

[patientandclear]

If my ex had more self-awareness he could have written that exact letter.  Especially the parts about feeling invading by the other person and not understanding that when someone is different from you or thinks different things, it is not an attack on you.

Makes me feel bad for my ex.  Yours seems like there is a glimmer of hope that he might do something with these realizations.  In the case of my ex, he is a long way from that point.

[HappyNihilist]

He refuses any individual therapy, so this letter was definitely intended to show me that he doesn't need professional help, he can handle his mental health all on his own.  The reality is that it reveals all the more why that's not the case. My response to his letter... .since I've made clear to him my boundary that I won't discuss personal things or our relationship except in the presence of our couple's therapist... .was to say, "these are important thoughts you should be discussing with your own therapist, not with me."  End of story.

It's not my problem any more. 

Thank God I'm out and can shut the door on that madness.  I don't care if I'm painted white or black: I just want him to leave me alone.  But until then, there's no choice but to cling to those boundaries and live my (quiet, calm, joyful) new life.

Your response was great. 

I don't blame you for wanting to be completely done with the madness. Sticking to your boundaries will be a great help here. He will eventually realize that he's not going to get an emotional reaction from you.

I know this is super tough, but I'm so glad you're enjoying your new life.