56 out of my first 90 days NC.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Although it is nice to not have the drama and constant arguing and continuously having to prove myself, it is also even nicer to not be financially taken advantage of any more, or be accused of cheating while being cheated on any more, or being put down any more, or being accused of talking to other women only to find her on her dating site again any more,or being lied to any more while being accused of being a habitual liar! and so much more!

What I cannot figure out is why do I actually still care about this person? After the extremely damaging and horrible way that I have been treated why can't I hate her? I should despise this person but why do I hope she gets help for herself someday? Why do I believe that if she got help it would even work? Why is it that if she went for help I would consider going through that with her?  Why do I feel like I abandoned somebody that I loved instead of got away from somebody who hurt me? Why does my NC make me feel like i'm ignoring somebody who needs me when they reach out?  Why do I feel like a quitter?  Why do I still want to help her?   Why do I feel like anything good would ever come of it if I did?  Why would I Still have a ounce of hope for somebody who seems so hopeless?

[Targeted]

Although it is nice to not have the drama and constant arguing and continuously having to prove myself, it is also even nicer to not be financially taken advantage of any more, or be accused of cheating while being cheated on any more, or being put down any more, or being accused of talking to other women only to find her on her dating site again any more,or being lied to any more while being accused of being a habitual liar! and so much more!

What I cannot figure out is why do I actually still care about this person? After the extremely damaging and horrible way that I have been treated why can't I hate her? I should despise this person but why do I hope she gets help for herself someday? Why do I believe that if she got help it would even work? Why is it that if she went for help I would consider going through that with her?  Why do I feel like I abandoned somebody that I loved instead of got away from somebody who hurt me? Why does my NC make me feel like i'm ignoring somebody who needs me when they reach out?  Why do I feel like a quitter?  Why do I still want to help her?   Why do I feel like anything good would ever come of it if I did?  Why would I Still have a ounce of hope for somebody who seems so hopeless?

[CloseToFreedom]

The answer to all your questions: because you believed her to be someone she is not. Because she mirrored you so perfectly you fell in love with your own needs that were (temporarely) being met. It's all a big fat act that you fell for. Painful, I know. I have the same thing. And I still love her as well. But you have to realise you are not loving HER, you are loving the illusion she could temporarely give you.

[NYMike]

Although it is nice to not have the drama and constant arguing and continuously having to prove myself, it is also even nicer to not be financially taken advantage of any more, or be accused of cheating while being cheated on any more, or being put down any more, or being accused of talking to other women only to find her on her dating site again any more,or being lied to any more while being accused of being a habitual liar! and so much more!

What I cannot figure out is why do I actually still care about this person? After the extremely damaging and horrible way that I have been treated why can't I hate her? I should despise this person but why do I hope she gets help for herself someday? Why do I believe that if she got help it would even work? Why is it that if she went for help I would consider going through that with her?  Why do I feel like I abandoned somebody that I loved instead of got away from somebody who hurt me? Why does my NC make me feel like i'm ignoring somebody who needs me when they reach out?  Why do I feel like a quitter?  Why do I still want to help her?   Why do I feel like anything good would ever come of it if I did?  Why would I Still have a ounce of hope for somebody who seems so hopeless?

All great questions.I am feeling just like you and I will be following this thread.I am about 45 days or so out.

[Targeted]

NYMike, your story with the restraining order was a major determining factor in me going NC, after I caught her on her dating site for the last time and left she tried calling child services on me to get my children taken away, here is another damn good question-- why is it that we could even think about forgiving something like that when they would not even be willing to take accountability for their actions?

[NYMike]

NYMike, your story with the restraining order was a major determining factor in me going NC, after I caught her on her dating site for the last time and left she tried calling child services on me to get my children taken away, here is another damn good question-- why is it that we could even think about forgiving something like that when they would not even be willing to take accountability for their actions?

I would say it is because we are good caring people.As my T puts it,our LOVE WAS REAL.There ''love'' was not that real.The level they were working on was not as deep as we thought.That is that dam Mirroring and that is intoxicating.

The BPD was not in the relationship the same way or on the same level we were.So of course it it going to haunt us and hurt us more.

[jhkbuzz]

NYMike, your story with the restraining order was a major determining factor in me going NC, after I caught her on her dating site for the last time and left she tried calling child services on me to get my children taken away, here is another damn good question-- why is it that we could even think about forgiving something like that when they would not even be willing to take accountability for their actions?

I would say it is because we are good caring people.As my T puts it,our LOVE WAS REAL.There ''love'' was not that real.The level they were working on was not as deep as we thought.That is that dam Mirroring and that is intoxicating.

The BPD was not in the relationship the same way or on the same level we were.So of course it it going to haunt us and hurt us more.

I like your therapist

Sometimes we are so focused on why WE entered into a dysfunctional relationship with a disordered person (translation: "what is dysfunctional in ME that attracted me to this clusterbee?" that we fail to recognize that our love for (and our empathy towards) our ex's are the emotions that healthy, whole people feel. Our love and empathy don't vanish into thin air when the r/s ends - especially when we discover that mentally disordered thinking (usually as a result of childhood trauma) is at the root of their dysfunction.

And thank God that our love and empathy don't suddenly vanish... .because it means we are emotionally engaged, healthy adults who aren't running off towards the next rebound as a narcotic to numb our pain.

[Targeted]

Part of me wants to sit down and write her a nice Long letter explaining that I know alot about this stuff now and that I can no longer be fooled as well as point out all of her horrible actions and behaviours and remind her what she lost.  Sucks that I would just be wasting time, paper and ink.

[jhkbuzz]

Part of me wants to sit down and write her a nice Long letter explaining that I know alot about this stuff now and that I can no longer be fooled as well as point out all of her horrible actions and behaviours and remind her what she lost.  Sucks that I would just be wasting time, paper and ink.

It's not so much that she was maliciously trying to fool you as she is acting out of internal pain and the need to eliminate that pain.  Unfortunately what YOU need in this scenario takes a back seat.

[NYMike]

Part of me wants to sit down and write her a nice Long letter explaining that I know alot about this stuff now and that I can no longer be fooled as well as point out all of her horrible actions and behaviours and remind her what she lost.  Sucks that I would just be wasting time, paper and ink.

So funny how we think the same.I want to write a letter too and tell her how deeply her actions and behaviors hurt me and devastated me.

I am sure she will turn it all around and make it ok in her crazy thinking.Remember,she is always the victim.

[Leaving]

Although it is nice to not have the drama and constant arguing and continuously having to prove myself, it is also even nicer to not be financially taken advantage of any more, or be accused of cheating while being cheated on any more, or being put down any more, or being accused of talking to other women only to find her on her dating site again any more,or being lied to any more while being accused of being a habitual liar! and so much more!

What I cannot figure out is why do I actually still care about this person? After the extremely damaging and horrible way that I have been treated why can't I hate her? I should despise this person but why do I hope she gets help for herself someday? Why do I believe that if she got help it would even work? Why is it that if she went for help I would consider going through that with her?  Why do I feel like I abandoned somebody that I loved instead of got away from somebody who hurt me? Why does my NC make me feel like i'm ignoring somebody who needs me when they reach out?  Why do I feel like a quitter?  Why do I still want to help her?   Why do I feel like anything good would ever come of it if I did?  Why would I Still have a ounce of hope for somebody who seems so hopeless?

I don't hate my husband.  Hate doesn't benefit anyone and if you keep it alive then you will be the only one to suffer it.  Betrayal hurts but we're not the ones who betrayed and it's not up to us to punish them or judge them. 

It's not uncommon for people in abusive relationships to develop attachments to abuse. Our entire life revolved around creating normal every day. It's a full time job that takes a toll on us emotionally and mentally.  Read about ' Stockholm Syndrome'.  I personally believe that the the more severe the drama/trauma, the easier it is to begin to identify with our trauma because the more drama/trauma the more of us we must invest in surviving it.  After making such a huge investment, it's difficult to make a clean break without feeling something ' meaningful' in our life is missing.  The drama/trauma became the meaning of our life!

[Targeted]

Because she recently reached out to me and wanted me to talk to her about her mother and a issue that she had with her that was upsetting her and the caring major that I have it was very tough for me to stay NC I thought about writing a letter explaining why I do not wish to respond, I think it would go something like this---

Dear ______,

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your mother, I wish I could be there for you like I have done to help you through it the past 9 1/2 years, but I do not know why you would seek my advice when you think so horribly of me? All the verbal assaults prove to me you do not respect me at all. why all of a sudden would you want to involve me in a family matter when you think these things of me is a little troublesome. But it does prove to me a lot more about your emotional instability, The fact you never see the whole picture and never think long-term because you not only live in the moment you change by the second, that is impossible for any human being to deal with and most likely the reason why you have failed so many relationships? You know all the one thing you keep crying for that you want so much? A real relationship? You should have thought a little further out that I actually understand you and your family and may want to talk to me while you were verbally assaulting me! You should have thought you may want to continue talking to me while you were in bed with that guy in the hotel room, you should have thought a little harder that you may want to keep me in your life while I was cooking you dinner and you are on your dating site!  You should have thought you may want to keep me in your life after 9 1/2 years while you were adding every other man That says hi to your life, you should have thought that you may have needed me when you replaced me with your guy friend for certain occasions, when I tried to get us help because I noticed your destructive patterns and tried to save our relationship so I could be with you and there for you for ever, you should have art you're going to need me to stay in your life, seeing as how you live in the second? Did you ever Consider for one second you may need me in your life during any one of the multiple phone calls to child services on me?  I think you should discuss the issue about your mother with all these gentlemen that you chose over me because you obviously needed them in your life more then me!

Good luck,

[Targeted]

NY Mike,

Write your letter here!