Does she need to be a hero?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Like me, my expwBPD is the youngest of many children.  The reason I mention this is that I am aware both of us have a tendency to not be taken seriously by our older siblings even though we are in our early 50's.  We are attempting to remain friends as I am close with her family and it is my choice... .so far.  Anyway, just some weird behavior to run by you. Prior to December, she seemed to be on the verge of leaving my replacement.  Then, my replacement required surgery and my ex jumped to the rescue and was devoted again.  She then seemed to decline again. Within the past month, she and her family experienced some horrible and abrupt losses.  Suddenly, my ex is back on the bandwagon, coming to the rescue for her family, seeming integrated rather than on the verge of dysregulation again.  Is this common for BPD's to be driven by crisis, even if it is not their own? Perhaps gleaning sone of the attention by being involved? Perhaps needing to be in control - she always liked to control and direct me, referring to me as stubborn as I probably am and I am also very independent, possibly another reason for her need to leave me (wry smile).  I don't mean to generalize but just curious if anyone has observed this. Thoughts?

[Hawk Ridge]

Like me, my expwBPD is the youngest of many children.  The reason I mention this is that I am aware both of us have a tendency to not be taken seriously by our older siblings even though we are in our early 50's.  We are attempting to remain friends as I am close with her family and it is my choice... .so far.  Anyway, just some weird behavior to run by you. Prior to December, she seemed to be on the verge of leaving my replacement.  Then, my replacement required surgery and my ex jumped to the rescue and was devoted again.  She then seemed to decline again. Within the past month, she and her family experienced some horrible and abrupt losses.  Suddenly, my ex is back on the bandwagon, coming to the rescue for her family, seeming integrated rather than on the verge of dysregulation again.  Is this common for BPD's to be driven by crisis, even if it is not their own? Perhaps gleaning sone of the attention by being involved? Perhaps needing to be in control - she always liked to control and direct me, referring to me as stubborn as I probably am and I am also very independent, possibly another reason for her need to leave me (wry smile).  I don't mean to generalize but just curious if anyone has observed this. Thoughts?

[Terrychango]

I actually have flu as I write this and is making me want to break nc but I'm not going to.

The only time I got any real love and compassion from her  in the last 3 months of our r/s was when I was ill and on the anniversary of my fathers death.

She also doesn't speak to her dad (he has bipolar and BPD) as they are very similar and she does not want to admit to being like him with relationships, although when her dad's dad died she was right there by his side for a couple of months then broke off contact again.

I also very independent/stubborn although luckily my mum has just popped round with food and medication.

So I would say yes mine was very driven by crisis sometimes causing them herself(repeated suicide attempts).

[ShadowIntheNight]

Perhaps it is with your ex. My exgf, however was the worst, and I mean the worst at any kind of crisis. It stresses her to the max and she gets incredibly angry. As far as illnesses go, what she said and what she did were always two different things. She said if I became ill she'd do what she could to take care of me. One night I became violently ill, turned out it was food poisoning from chicken. It woke me in the middle of the night. She asked me what was wrong, and then told me to be quiet she was trying to sleep. The next morning, while I lay in bed shivering and burning up, she was taking her kids to get donuts and asked me if I wanted any. Not how are you feeling or what can I do for you. It was not the same for her children, fortunately.