A huge trigger now makes me feel like needing to reach out to her again

[misty_red]

Ugh. I feel like reaching out to my exBPDgf again. Something just triggered this. Let me explain:

last year my grandfather was on his deathbed. My exBPDgf was the only one who knew and being there for me. She took really good care of me, she really did. She knew how it affected me.

They somehow managed to feed him up. But today he died.

Now I guess there are two triggers for me: the first one is that she was there for me by that time and was the only one who knew about him. The second one is my huge anxiety of not being able to say goodbye properly. There are always words left unsaid but if you have the chance to say them you should do – I didn’t have that chance with my grandfather, I actually avoided seeing him the last weeks because it hurt me too much (I’m not proud o fit…).

I know I enabled her, I know I did wrong things myself, I know in some way I made her miserable. I’m not proud of that. I just feel like I need to apologize, I need to say my last words.

I know, I’m being irrational and emotional. It’s just that I don’t want to lose someone again without being able to say my last words to them.

Yes, she abused me and I’ll never forget that, but that doesn’t compensate or justify the things I did. I feel like I need to say I’m sorry. I don’t care if she then feels superior again or like getting supply or whatever. I don’t care about this control-thing. I just want to say my last words, I want to say I’m sorry.

Is this a bad idea? It’s not that I’m vulnerable to recycle or something. I see both sides and do know exactly that there’s no chance for us ever again.

[LimboFL]

Hi Misty,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. When my Mother passed, she was in another country and the last time I had seen her  was a few years prior. I like you could not have bared seeing her as she was the last year or been there when she passed. The one thing that has kept me from guilt is the knowledge that she knew that I loved her to the end of the earth, even though we fought quite often. The love was there. If you and you ex did all that you both did, then you should not allow yourself to feel guilt. It won't help.

You are in tremendous pain and it is completely natural to want to reach out to the only other person that shared those moments with your Grand Father. Your revelation that she came through for you is telling because I also believe that when the event is truly worthy of it. BPD's can and do become the person you need. They do feel empathy and love for the suffering of their partner.

As for what you should do, in your condition, I think you need to do what you want and reach out to her. She was there for you when you needed her. I have apologized for many of the horrible things I said when my exBPDgf would verbally abuse me. There is absolutely nothing demeaning about apologizing to someone for things that you may have done. She may not react immediately, but clearly she has a heart and will appreciate it once she has digested it. My exBPDgf would be so engulfed in emotions that it would, sometimes, take days before she was calm enough to absorb my thoughts.

Reach out to her otherwise you will bury all of the pain you are feeling right now, which will have very strong consequences. No matter what happens, do what you need to do. There is a reason all of us are here, on this board. It's because we have a shared experience, that others cannot understand, so it offers us relief to share here. You and you ex shared the caring for your Grand Father and so expressing yourself to her, especially given she was so kind at that time, will offer you relief.

I hope this helps and big hug. Stay strong.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm just wondering... .were you tempted to reach out to her before your grandfather passed?  Or was his death the trigger?

Also, what exactly are you hoping to receive from her if you contact her?

[misty_red]

LimboFL, I'm sorry four your loss! Thank you for your advice, it sounds really reasonable. I need to get this off my chest. I mean, I expected her to apologize to me many times and even though she never did doesn't mean I won't as well. We are all human beings, with or without BPD and if I am the only one of the two of us being able to apologize I still should. That's how I see it. Maybe she won't ever understand it and thinks of me like being submissive but I don't care. This is for my conscience. I did mistakes and I regret them, therefore I'm sorry.

jhkbuzz, these are very good questions. Thank you! The death was the trigger yes and no. I always felt like wanting to apologize but never did because everyone said I should stay NC and I also saw no use in apologizing. Because she wouldn't understand it properly anyway. But now it's not about her reaction anymore. It's about me wanting to apologize because I never want to lose someone again without getting all of the things off my chest I need to. I'm not hoping for a response. I know she won't. She's all about power and control. But I am not and so it's just fine. I just want her to know, I just want to get this off my chest.

[jhkbuzz]

LimboFL, I'm sorry four your loss! Thank you for your advice, it sounds really reasonable. I need to get this off my chest. I mean, I expected her to apologize to me many times and even though she never did doesn't mean I won't as well. We are all human beings, with or without BPD and if I am the only one of the two of us being able to apologize I still should. That's how I see it. Maybe she won't ever understand it and thinks of me like being submissive but I don't care. This is for my conscience. I did mistakes and I regret them, therefore I'm sorry.

jhkbuzz, these are very good questions. Thank you! The death was the trigger yes and no. I always felt like wanting to apologize but never did because everyone said I should stay NC and I also saw no use in apologizing. Because she wouldn't understand it properly anyway. But now it's not about her reaction anymore. It's about me wanting to apologize because I never want to lose someone again without getting all of the things off my chest I need to. I'm not hoping for a response. I know she won't. She's all about power and control. But I am not and so it's just fine. I just want her to know, I just want to get this off my chest.

Are you apologizing for things you did, or apologizing for reacting to her behavior/disorder?

I would spend some time thinking about this before you act - I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about your desire to do this feels "off" to me.  I'll keep thinking about it and if I can figure it out I'll post.

Perhaps it's that I'm identifying a bit with you here... .I also felt the need to apologize to her for some things - nothing horrible, just normal human mistakes and weaknesses.  But then I realized that my desire to apologize had something to do with wanting to "repair" the r/s.  And the reality is that she had been emotionally abusive in our r/s for a long time (withdrawn, avoidant, lying, cheating) - and the cold hard truth is that there was nothing to repair.  I was still operating under the illusion that, somehow, it was within my power to repair the r/s and the disorder.

I think it's also common for the "abused" in the r/s to take on a lion's share of the responsibility for things going wrong when, looking from the outside in, it's clear that the abuser bears much of the responsibility. 

So I no longer feel the need to apologize to her.

If that's not what's going on for you, I apologize.

[downwhim]

I think this is the difference. There was a death. Your grandfather was important in your life and she helped and supported you during this time.

In my opinion, it is perfectly ok to call her and tell her just what you said here. Thank her for her support and tell her what you need to apologies and all. It does not sound like you have some agenda.

I am so sorry for your loss and know you are in a lot of pain. You will regret it if you don't go where your heart needs to right now. This isn't about her BPD or anything other than what you need.  

[misty_red]

jhkbuzz, I really like your thoughts. It really helps me to understand what's going on with myself and to take a deeper look into myself.

There really are some things I did that weren't okay. And even if I only wanted to apologize for reacting to her behaviour I have to keep in mind that I always had a choice how to react. And only because my ego was being hurt doesn't justify how I reacted. I could have reacted in another way, I should have but I didn't. I'm not lacking impulse control so I simply could've did things differently. But I didn't because of a hurt ego. Really stupid. It weren't really cruel things I did, and I didn't do it in an antisocial way or something like that. And by the time I did them I didn't feel like hurting her. I didn't do it on purpose, I did it because my ego was hurt, because I was being egoistical myself. And if I demand of her not being egoistical I also should demand it of myself therefore I feel like I should apologize.

I don't want to repair or fix something. There is nothing left anymore anyway. I have forgiven her a long time ago. The thing nagging me still is that I can't forgive myself. And therefore I need to apologize. For me apologizing is not how she reacts to it. She has every right to not react to it at all (and I think that's going to happen anyway) and accept it. But to forgive myself I have to do it.

downwhim,thank you for your words! And you are right, this isn't about her BPD, this is about what happened to the both of us - it doesn't matter if there's some mental illness involved or not. As I said before: why would her suffering from BPD justify me hurting her in any way? It's not about "An eye for an eye.". It's sad enough that she isn't able to apologize but if I am able to I feel like I should do it even if she won't understand properly why I do it.