How to stop obsessing and combat loneliness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you stop obsessing over the r/s, what was said and done and how the ex feels? And how do you combat loneliness?

[antonio1213]

How do you stop obsessing over the r/s, what was said and done and how the ex feels? And how do you combat loneliness?

[wavelife]

It is not easy!  I understand how you feel.

Getting out and about can feel forced at times and I would rather stay home.

I am really focusing on moments where I get negative and obsess about her.

Doing my best to stop the thought pattern and focus on positives and things I am grateful for.  Its hard but if you keep at it the negative thoughst and obsessing get less and less.  The ex is renting less space in my head daily.

It gets better everyday that goes by

[christin5433]

It's getting Better day by day hour by hour I'm just letting go. I got some daily meditation books to read about letting go. I've gotten into a ritual of praying daily for those I resent meaning those that rent space in my head. I pray for all that I want for them. Positive. I don't know ? Yesterday I was free in my mind. It felt good. I get up most days and do daily things even if I don't feel like it. I do feel weighed down inside hurting and I accept it as part of the process. I do this mantra that I read about :

I say I pray for name to go into the light and name prays for me to go into the light.

I pray name has r/s w a higher power and name prays for me to have a r/s w a higher power

I pray for name to be cared for name prays for me to be cared for...

I do that daily. I sometimes give myself a lay around day usually reading and writing on this site. Probably too much. Lol.

Good luck we are all trying to not live in victim mentality at least I'm not.

[jhkbuzz]

How do you stop obsessing over the r/s, what was said and done and how the ex feels? And how do you combat loneliness?

I'm not sure that you can in the beginning... .it takes TIME, which I know is the last thing you want to hear.

Take good care of yourself - exercise, spend time with family and friends, go out on the weekends, do a little clothes shopping so you feel better about yourself.  You won't want to do ANY of these things; do them anyway.  Keep reading to increase your understanding; keep posting on these boards.  Time helps... .

[Caredverymuch]

How do you stop obsessing over the r/s, what was said and done and how the ex feels? And how do you combat loneliness?

I'm not sure that you can in the beginning... .it takes TIME, which I know is the last thing you want to hear.

Take good care of yourself - exercise, spend time with family and friends, go out on the weekends, do a little clothes shopping so you feel better about yourself.  You won't want to do ANY of these things; do them anyway.  Keep reading to increase your understanding; keep posting on these boards.  Time helps... .

This is 100% true.  Time.  In the beginning I repeatedly asked my T through tears how to do this. Time she said.  Time. 

I promise you time will heal much and doing all the things suggested above.  And remaining NC.  You regain your self respect the further you distance yourself from the disorder.

[Ghost733]

How do you stop obsessing over the r/s, what was said and done and how the ex feels? And how do you combat loneliness?

You feel awesome when you're in those toxic relationships because you're on a self-esteem boosting drug (read: the high isn't real and it's killing you).  I too was lonely and obsessed after the breakup but filled that void with weightlifting, playing a team sport, motorcycling, drinking with buddies, finding forums I like.  I'm also reading this book called The Art of Seduction and it's really opening my eyes as to how I was seduced into this just god awful relationship with a girl that offered so little.

[PaintedBlack28]

You must go through this hell in order to heal. Time will do it's thing, and so will the understanding of the disorder. You must re-discover life, and the joy of living a healthy life in which you will be able to meet someone who will give you healthy love.

[christin5433]

Yes it's hell. For sure I think I'm doing this praying thing because I was told it helps with the anger in me. It kinda has helped because I haven't hurt her in any way. And trust me she deserves a big time screw over. Buuuutttt not gonna steep to levels of destructiveness and revenge.

Time is the kicker. UHg

Wish I was in a better place too. Yesterday was amazing to feel free of pain so maybe I will get more of those days. Today's been sad again.

[bunnyrabit]

I can totally relate to the obsessive thoughts about what happened and what has been said that, it seems to be on repeat in my head and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I have been strict NC for 3.5 months now and still it's all I seem to be able to think about, practically every waking minute of the day. I go to bed with it and I wake up with it.

It's the shock of betrayal after betrayal from someone you think loved you the same as you loved them. The promising me this and that, five minutes later saying the opposite... .The constant state of anxiety and anger I lived in day after day and then her trying to downplay her own behavior, saying it's not so bad that she leaves me every other day to go ___ her other boyfriend because it's me that she loves... .Oh right, now she's telling me what hurts me and what not, good that I have her to decide that for me... .

I could go on for hours about the crazy making stuff, it's all so warped and unreal, I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it... .But I'm done trying that, I know it hurts, I know some psycho tried to break me and I'm leaving it at that, at least that I can understand.

I've downloaded the the audiobook 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle and just listened to the first few chapters and it sounds promising, I even think I already start noticing some changes. It teaches us to live in the present and to not become our mind and our bad thoughts. It's pretty practical and you can start using the techniques mentioned straight away to stop the ruminating. Hope it may help you too, hang in there, you're not the only only one going through this.  

[antonio1213]

I can totally relate to the obsessive thoughts about what happened and what has been said that, it seems to be on repeat in my head and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I have been strict NC for 3.5 months now and still it's all I seem to be able to think about, practically every waking minute of the day. I go to bed with it and I wake up with it.

Yes I can relate to that as well. It is constant, almost every minute of every day. When I wake up, go to sleep, even dream all these moments are filled with absolute obsessive thoughts about her, what she's done to me, how much she said she "loved" me, how angry I am etc etc. It really has begun to consume me. I have been 4 months of NC and today was the first day in a long time that I started to cry. I just learned about my replacement 2 days ago and it really started to get to me today. They have been dating for awhile, don't know how long, but long enough to meet the parents.

[christin5433]

I can totally relate to the obsessive thoughts about what happened and what has been said that, it seems to be on repeat in my head and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I have been strict NC for 3.5 months now and still it's all I seem to be able to think about, practically every waking minute of the day. I go to bed with it and I wake up with it.

Yes I can relate to that as well. It is constant, almost every minute of every day. When I wake up, go to sleep, even dream all these moments are filled with absolute obsessive thoughts about her, what she's done to me, how much she said she "loved" me, how angry I am etc etc. It really has begun to consume me. I have been 4 months of NC and today was the first day in a long time that I started to cry. I just learned about my replacement 2 days ago and it really started to get to me today. They have been dating for awhile, don't know how long, but long enough to meet the parents.

So not looking forward to that. It's ok cry. It is so creepy how they need to find a new host . I know I personally am not even in that frame of mind. Getting with someone right now would not be good . I'm so needing to heal from this. I always got the impression love is not something that comes to one easy. It is to be cherished . It's actually rare. How a BPD can get love like a gallon of milk just proves its not love it's a replacement . Take care keep ur thoughts positive about you . And be glad ur not in a lie anymore

[bunnyrabit]

I can totally relate to the obsessive thoughts about what happened and what has been said that, it seems to be on repeat in my head and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I have been strict NC for 3.5 months now and still it's all I seem to be able to think about, practically every waking minute of the day. I go to bed with it and I wake up with it.

Yes I can relate to that as well. It is constant, almost every minute of every day. When I wake up, go to sleep, even dream all these moments are filled with absolute obsessive thoughts about her, what she's done to me, how much she said she "loved" me, how angry I am etc etc. It really has begun to consume me. I have been 4 months of NC and today was the first day in a long time that I started to cry. I just learned about my replacement 2 days ago and it really started to get to me today. They have been dating for awhile, don't know how long, but long enough to meet the parents.

Ugh, mine had a replacement all through our latest recycle, all the while promising it was the last time, that I was the one, yeah right... .So I've been through that already with some extra special suffering on top of it as I believed her every time. Right now I don't even care how many replacements she's with, she can stuff the whole world in her vagina for all care... .I just don't want to hear or see a thing about anymore, if she wants to be a slut (and those are her words) then that's her problem, not mine. Her son will also be delighted to find out about it when he grows up... .

But I'm also sick of her still having a hold on my thoughts and my emotional well being and I really need to work on that to make sure I don't fall in the same trap over and over again, which is a very real possibility. I used to think, I don't need any spiritual enlightenment, I just want my life back how it was when I was happy with BPDex. But the thing is, if we keep looking to external things to bring joy to our lives we really give away all control over it. Just look at our relationships with BPDex, the thing that brought us the most joy in our lives is now making us the most miserable by the flick of a switch.

True peace and happiness is not to be found on the outside but comes from within and that way it's everlasting no matter what happens in your life. And that's exactly what that book I mentioned is teaching, so I going to try that, just try something different then what I normally would do... .

[peace_seeker]

Yes I can relate to that as well. It is constant, almost every minute of every day. When I wake up, go to sleep, even dream all these moments are filled with absolute obsessive thoughts about her, what she's done to me, how much she said she "loved" me, how angry I am etc etc. It really has begun to consume me. I have been 4 months of NC and today was the first day in a long time that I started to cry. I just learned about my replacement 2 days ago and it really started to get to me today. They have been dating for awhile, don't know how long, but long enough to meet the parents.

I can relate to this obsessing. I was in this crazy intense obsessing just last week. This week, it's starting to get better. I allowed myself to obsessed over it the whole weekend, talked to many many people about, and after awhile, i realize i'm only obsessing about my own interpretation of things - of how my ex might still me feeling for me. no chance at all.

After a while i got so tired of thinking and guessing. Gave myself some time to be alone. And to stop thinking. and after awhile it will become clear to me. that the reality is that my ex is gone, and i am only torturing ourselves with our thoughts and imagination of things. it is really us torturing ourselves.

Give yourself time, be gentle with yourself. Even if it's a breakup with a nonBPD, people will still ruminate about the past. Less to say for us, who are being discarded so unceremoniously by someone unhealthy. Just try to remind yourself that with time, it will get better. and whenever you got reminded of something good about your ex, replace it with something bad that she did to you. Hopefully that will help to remind yourself of she doesn't deserve your love.

[raisins3142]

How a BPD can get love like a gallon of milk just proves its not love it's a replacement .

If anyone here ever forms a band, then please consider calling it "love like a gallon of milk".  Great phraseology and so true.  I shared on another thread that my uBPDexgf was shocked, SHOCKED, when I told her I'd been in love only twice in my life.  She said "what does that make me look like?"

I think this might speak to the nature of their love, which seems an unhealthy replacement of some severed child/parent bond.  I know if I were a 3 year old that was abandoned that I would likely form attachments very quickly to any adult that protected me and showed me kindness.

[raisins3142]

I can relate to this obsessing.

I can as well.  My main points of obsession now are: 1. what she really got up to during our relationship that I don't know about and she thinks she "got away with", 2. wanting her to know how the relationship unfolded from my perspective and actually acknowledge it as potentially the truth, 3. whether she is talking to or sleeping with any of my acquaintances that I introduced to her (it would bother me if she was sleeping with one of my "friends", and 4. what is her actual past?  I'm thinking she likely was involved in things that would make my hair curl (I wouldn't put having sex for drugs (while she was using) past her because of how she viewed herself, others, and sex).

[charred]

Stop obessing: Mindfulness... does wonders, basically it is learning to be in the present moment, rather than ruminating over the past or worrying about the future. It takes exercise to learn to keep in the present. Look for mindfulness exercises, and if you have a smartphone you can get a mindfulness bell app, that sounds a gong sound every 15 minutes or so to remind you to quit ruminating or worrying and get back to being in the present. Takes a few weeks of really doing it, but can cut your stress and hurt by maybe 80-90%... well worth the effort.

Combat loneliness: Mindfulness helps, at first I had to have the TV on and a radio going in another room, and force myself to do menial brainless tasks like housecleaning, organizing drawers, and laundry... to stop being depressed and feeling lonely. The more activity the better, exercising helps, getting out and back among the living (like grocery shopping, instead of one quick trip, get each item at a different store so it takes time and wears you out.) For a while I kept active till I was exhausted, would go to bed at midnight and wake at about 5am... .but after a few weeks... the emotional overload you had from the breakup... .drops to a very manageable level and you start to have the mental fog lift.

Other thing... understanding why you are so devastated... .I will explain it quickly... took me a long time to figure it out. The r/s you had with a pwBPD... was intense, it started with them idealizing you... love bombing, mirroring, giving what appeared to be unconditional love... the kind of love between a child and it's mother. Without knowing it, you needed that... and reveled in it, and put the pwBPD on a pedestal, normally reserved for a parent... .in a primary relationship. You didn't think of it like that... .and as long as everything stayed with them hanging on your every word and being interested in every thing you cared about... it was great. The world felt secure, you could do anything, it was all rainbows and unicorns. If they got clingy... made no sense at all... and if they turned hater... instead of being yourself you were a child scolded... trying to figure out what you did wrong, accepting blame, making promises to do better, etc. When the breakup happened it wasn't a normal breakup, it was devastating... like the death of your parent... .or worse, the death of the ideal parent you never had but dreamed of having.

That is what it is like and where the pain comes from. You will get farther in getting over it by looking in to the grieving process for losing a parent, than from taking advice from friends to go out and bag a few babes... .because the utter devastation felt, is not a normal breakup. The pain isn't from the pwBPD, its from the long hidden damage we had early on... .which we learned to deny, and to avoid, by doing things like putting up a wall to keep people at a certain psychological distance... never letting anyone get too close, so we couldn't be hurt again. The pwBPD is a boundary buster, they ignore our wall, scale it and turn on the charm, idealize/mirror/love bomb us... and we are hooked so bad, that when they leave us... .its a giant band-aid being pulled off all the childhood injuries we had... overwhelming, all out of proportion to what our head tells us it should be.

[downwhim]

Charred,

Thank you for your post. It is right on! Just this morning I tried being in the moment. Mindfulness helped me. When I started to ruminate I brought my thoughts to the present. I hope I can continue to do this more often.

Time also helps. When I first got on this board I was so very broken. My heart felt like someone had just stabbed it. Then pain was exactly like when both my parents died. I was in shock, totally alone and literally walking around in a daze.

The kindness and knowledge board members have given me and continue to impress me with, helped to level me out. I have no clue how I found BPD family other than divine intervention.

Day by day we grow, learn and try to heal. 

[christin5433]

How a BPD can get love like a gallon of milk just proves its not love it's a replacement .

If anyone here ever forms a band, then please consider calling it "love like a gallon of milk".  Great phraseology and so true.  I shared on another thread that my uBPDexgf was shocked, SHOCKED, when I told her I'd been in love only twice in my life.  She said "what does that make me look like?"

I think this might speak to the nature of their love, which wseems an unhealthy replacement of some severed child/parent bond.  I know if I were a 3 year old that was abandoned that I would likely form attachments very quickly to any adult that protected me and showed me kindness.

Yeah I never thought like that ... .but that's also like the social system not all parents that your getting are looking out after a 3 year old with love and care. Some are like foster parents that are abusers too. So love is rare. Very interesting to look at from this angle. But my anger still exists because I am a adult and we had a adult r/s. So maybe us obsessing is sort of a worried parent role when they are gone ? Hmmm something to ponder over