My wife has a birthday soon and I need your help

[Depression = 72% of members]

In the past few days she is in a raging mode. Not really sure what was the trigger. So she told me how she suffered since she married me, how it was a mistake and she should pick up and leave, but she has nowhere to go, and all of the past years were like $hit for her.

(BTW I asked her if she wants me to call her mom so she can support her now, but she said that she is not going to pick up if I will call her).

I once again suggested we go to MC together. She refused because "first you need to realize how bad you are and that's the source of the problem".

Anyways, her birthday is coming up in few days. I was looking to buy her a little gift and a card. But I am thinking that perhaps I should ask her flat out if she is indeed suffering and doesn't like me, because if yes I won't buy her anything, as I am not going to give a gift to someone who doesn't love me and wants to leave me.

I know that half of what she says are typical for a BPD rage, but I want to kind of force her to face what she is saying and what the implications are.

What do you think?

[joshbjoshb]

In the past few days she is in a raging mode. Not really sure what was the trigger. So she told me how she suffered since she married me, how it was a mistake and she should pick up and leave, but she has nowhere to go, and all of the past years were like $hit for her.

(BTW I asked her if she wants me to call her mom so she can support her now, but she said that she is not going to pick up if I will call her).

I once again suggested we go to MC together. She refused because "first you need to realize how bad you are and that's the source of the problem".

Anyways, her birthday is coming up in few days. I was looking to buy her a little gift and a card. But I am thinking that perhaps I should ask her flat out if she is indeed suffering and doesn't like me, because if yes I won't buy her anything, as I am not going to give a gift to someone who doesn't love me and wants to leave me.

I know that half of what she says are typical for a BPD rage, but I want to kind of force her to face what she is saying and what the implications are.

What do you think?

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[Notwendy]

This is a tough one. My mom has BPD. Mother's Day cards are the worst- looking through all thes cards that say "Thank you Mother for being so good to me" after dealing with all her rages. However, I do it because, she is my mother, has been good to me at times, and because I want to recognize the relationship. I do try to find a card that I can identify with honestly, because some of them, I just can't relate to.

Sometimes it is hard for me to buy my H a present if he has raged at me. It can feel awkward. However, he is my H, the father of my children, and deserves to have his birthday honored. So I do it. It is also a way for me to role model for my kids, the idea of respecting parents ( that doesn't mean letting them walk all over you). My kids are aware of my mom's issues. It is very hard to be both honest, allow them to not feel so comfortable around her if she is acting odd, but not encourage them to disrespect her. My H has only raged with me. He is very good to the kids and also to me. I do love him, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes when I am resentful. I should honor that no matter what mood I am in. Also, if each of us have self worth, then honoring a birthday can be about that than the fluctuating day to day moods.

One thing about my mom is that sometimes she will find something wrong with the gift, not like it, or act like she doesn't care. If I give a gift, it is because I choose to, not about how she will react. If you can find a card, and a gift that reflects the idea that your wife is a significant person in your life, and a birthday marks that significance, then give her a gift from that place in your heart, not the place that is hurt at the moment.

[foxangel82]

I think you're thinking about love the wrong way. You wouldn't take care of your children with the expectation that what you do (every diaper change, every bottle feeding) is going to make them love you. If YOU love HER get her a gift. Don't make it conditional.

As for therapy, I would say don't fight her. Agree with her and go alone to individual therapy. I am not saying you are to blame for everything but if you find the right therapist they should teach you tools for how to deal with her. If she sees you changing that should make her more open to change but it takes time so be patient.

Hang in there!

[joshbjoshb]

I am afraid you guys didn't understand my point.

I don't mind buying her a card, and a gift. Her rages isn't something that just happened - I live with them for years.

But I am thinking that maybe this is a good opportunity to show her how severe and how bad is the way she talks, and what message she sends. In other words, I will pretend to take it serious, although I know she will forget all about it soon.

If she sees that I take it serious, maybe in the future she is not going to pull this card again.

[ColdEthyl]

I am afraid you guys didn't understand my point.

I don't mind buying her a card, and a gift. Her rages isn't something that just happened - I live with them for years.

But I am thinking that maybe this is a good opportunity to show her how severe and how bad is the way she talks, and what message she sends. In other words, I will pretend to take it serious, although I know she will forget all about it soon.

If she sees that I take it serious, maybe in the future she is not going to pull this card again.

It doesn't work that way for pwBPD, though. Birthdays and holidays tend to be terrible for them to begin with, so they are more likely to dysregulate then.

Trying to force a pwBPD to acknowledge they are in the wrong is about as fruitful as trying to push a mountain. All that will happen is more dysregulation and more raging. Counseling is a good way to start that trip.

Communicating with pwBPD is backwards to how you would deal with a non. The best way to start improving your relationship is to start using the tools here on this site.

When she says those things to you, I would ask her to help you understand why she feels that way. Listen to her, and do not let the words affect you. Remember, to pwBPD feelings=fact, and while you know that's not the case... .she will not. It becomes real to her... .at that time. It will change with the wind. She can't accept blame, so she puts it on you. As their SO, we will get the brunt of it.

Has she said anything specific about what she thinks you did?