Unsure how to communicate with my bf

[Cellostrings]

I strongly suspect my bf is BPD (and I think he knows he is). He will crave attention one day, push me away the next, have paranoid feelings, self medicates with alcohol and drugs, had a very abusive childhood, is afraid of anyone getting too close to him, easily becomes angry, has manic episodes, and feels anxious and depressed, then claims he's incapable of being angry, anxious, or depressed. Basically, all the classic signs of BPD. He has been in therapy before, but not for a while.

In the past week he has felt abandoned by me for not seeing him for a whole day, picked fights, told me we were done, said he has never felt closer to me, said he never wants to hear from me again because I disrespect me, changed his phone number, texted me his new number, lied about things he's done, told me to leave him alone, then texted me because I left him alone, then told me I was smothering him when I asked if everything was okay.

Needless to say, I'm EXHAUSTED!

When he says he wants to be left alone, but still texts me out of the blue, does that mean he really wants to be left alone, or is he actually waiting for me to initiate communication? I don't know, and I'm not sure he knows either. I don't want to stress him out by trying to contact him when he doesn't want me to, but I also don't want him to feel abandoned if he's waiting for me to call.

Help? Please!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jessica84]

This sounds all too familiar. Very classic BP behavior. He is confused right now. If he asked you to leave him alone, respect that. If you "bother" him by calling him, he will see you as smothering him. Give him time and space. If he calls/texts, answer or reply like you normally would. Stay calm and act is if everything is fine. I know you're exhausted and everything doesn't feel fine. Don't hit him with questions. He probably can't answer them anyway.

In the meantime, read the lessons on this site and learn all you can about BPD. That will give you many of the answers he cannot. Best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Distract yourself with something fun or pour yourself into work or a hobby. Try not to think about him too much. I know this is hard. If he's still texting, my guess is he isn't going far. So for now, take a well-deserved break.

Hang in there! 

[Cellostrings]

Thanks for the response. I'm trying hard to concentrate on myself, but I feel so powerless right now. It's especially hard when he's posting things on Facebook and continuing on like nothing is wrong in front of everyone else.

The agony is not knowing how long the silent treatment is going to last, and not knowing if the relationship is over for good this time or not. Things were definitely more heated this time around.

I read the lessons, and the part about the silent treatment was incredibly depressing and gave no hope at all. He has cut off all texts now, and has gone completely silent. Part of me wants to prepare for this being completely over, but the rest of me can't even bare to think about that.

I'm taking it one minute at a time, but every minute feels like an hour. And yes, the lesson on co-dependency really sounded familiar to me. Sigh... .

[Jessica84]

Silent treatments are very painful. You're left confused with all sorts of unanswered questions. It is so hard to know whether to cut your losses or wait him out.

BPs are said to be "predictably unpredictable". Mine sure is. I started marking a calendar during the silent treatments. Silly, I know, but I was at a total loss when I came up with it! T-text, P=phone call, E=email, IP= in-person randomly showing up at places I would be. Once I started observing the pattern I knew how long it would take before the silence would end.

Have you noticed any pattern with him? He'll text one day, wait 3... .or text you a whole bunch everyday, then nothing for weeks... .?

[Notwendy]

This is confusing. My H used the ST a lot. He doesn't much anymore since I learned to handle it. This happened some when we were dating, but I didn't recognize it as not acceptable as this went on in my family. My mother has BPD and she used the ST on us. Some behaviors pwPBD have were very effective on me as I was raised to be compliant with her demands.

However, PBD is a spectrum and my mom and my H are so different that I didn't recognize similar patterns for years- except that they felt oddly familiar, but that was my "normal". Also, having been one of the "caretaker- rescuer" types in the family, I fell right into that relationship style.

Growing up with mom was tough, and it was tough on my dad, but eventually I was able to understand that he was also an equal fit for her. Although he was smart and accomplished, something about him needed to be with her, and also that she had many appealing qualities, but it was harder for us kids to appreciate those aspects of her.

No doubt, if someone had told me about BPD I'd have run from any relationship with someone with it, but I know better now, because what made my H attractive to me ( and me to him) was something about me, and unless I understood that, I would likely continue to be attracted to such relationships. You have a choice to stay or leave this relationship, but- if you want to have healthier relationships, your task is also to take a close look at yourself and change your own co-dependency behaviors.

I remember feeling hurt and confused, and yet somehow thinking it was OK to feel that way if one was "in love". Sure, all relationships have ups and downs, and with someone with BPD, those ups are amazing and the downs are not. It took me a while to understand that those "ups" coming back to me as if everything was OK and the down is magically erased, were not OK. The ST is a form of abuse. Raging and name calling is abuse. It is not OK.

You are in the push pull phase and chances are, he's going to come back. This is agony for you, but it is also some space. I remember these times thinking all about him- why did he do this, what did I do, I miss him... .with therapy I have learned to think about my part in this. Right now, your BF is in the drivers seat, and you are waiting for him to determine the fate of your relationship. However, you have a choice too. Do you want him back? Do you accept this behavior? If you do, you will see more of it.

I won't tell you what to do- because the answer is about you, your boundaries, emotions, feelings, background, and there is always more to a relationship than an outsider knows. However, you have some space now while he has gone off. Use it to learn about him, as well as about you. Pay attention to your feelings.

[Cellostrings]

Thanks for the reply NotWendy. My parents would often ignore me, threaten abandonment, and invalidate everything I did too, and I'm in therapy for general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD from that and a few other situations. In some ways it doesn't make this relationship any easier, but in other ways I can at least relate to a brain that doesn't act the way it should.

I was always the peacekeeper at home too. From a very young age I tried to gauge my parent's moods and behavior before acting, because I didn't want to set them off. It was also exhausting, and I feel like a little kid again trying to step around land mines, without any real knowledge of where they are. Interestingly, I have gone NC with my parents because I can't take the stress of communicating with them. And then I wonder if I'm stressing my bf that much. And that makes me really sad.

Last night, after not hearing anything for over 24 hours I kind of lost it. I texted him that I couldn't understand how he could act like everything was so normal after what had happened. Then fell asleep. He texted me back a couple of hours later telling me how awesome the new game he picked up is. That was it. This game is awesome. Really?

I don't know if that's his way if trying to stay in communication while still avoiding all the chaos that had gone on, or if that's his way of shoving this is my face even more. Is it his way of saying "please don't go away, but I can't deal with this right now?"

I'll add that for him, video games are a form of self-medication. Sometimes he binge drinks, sometimes he smokes a lot of weed, and sometimes he obsessively plays video games. Getting a new game is like trying a new drug. I think he's scrambling around looking for something to kill the pain.

[Cellostrings]

He sends me random texts. Then silence.

Sends me random texts. Then silence.

He won't respond to my texts. His texts are just... .random. About nothing.

I asked if we were done for good, or if he just needed a break. Silence.

This is driving me crazy.

[Notwendy]

I asked if we were done for good, or if he just needed a break. Silence.


Cello, you are placing the decision of if you are done for good or not in his hands, waiting for him to tell you one way or the other. However, he's not replying. This way, he isn't accountable for the decision. He doesn't have to take the responsibility for letting you go, or having the relationship. However, he does get to control how it goes, because you gave that control to him when you asked.

Like you, I was raised in a family where I had little choice but to accept how they treated me. Because of this, I was not sure if I had that choice. However, you have that choice. A relationship takes two. You are not in the situation where it would take a lawyer. If you don't have children together, you do not have to worry about them. You have one person to consider and that is you.

A relationship takes two. He may want it, he may not. However, the other part of that is you. You may want it or not, and what you want does not have to depend on what he wants. Of course if you want it and he does not, you may not get what you want, but if you don't want it, you don't have to want it just because he does.

If he has BPD, chances are, he's going to waver between the two choices- I want you/I don't. If you make his decision yours too, or base your decision on his, then you give him the choice over your choice.

You have a choice and while he is not communicating, you have the space to focus on you, and what you want.

[Jessica84]

Deciding the fate of your r/s is too heavy a topic for him right now. I would not ask him to decide this in his current state of mind. If he's forced, he'll likely panic and cut you off completely. He'll find all sorts of faults in you (real or imagined) to escape. This is part of their black/white thinking, no grey areas for pwBPD.

Focusing on a new game is much lighter for him. He chose to share this info with you. This is a sign that he hasn't painted you entirely black yet. I know it sucks... after all his confusing noise, you get to hear about how he got a new game and likes it. Totally random BUT that's probably all he can handle right now. Give him time to clear his head and clear your own.

As Notwendy says, the choice is still yours and yours alone, as to whether you want to continue to be with someone who can't handle the real stuff, only the superficial easy stuff. Has it always been like this? Or is it more recently?

One thing I learned that gave me a HUGE amount of peace was understanding he wasn't playing a game, trying to manipulate me, or send mixed signals -- at least not on purpose. That helped me take it less personal. It's not me making him like this, and he's not trying to play me (although it can certainly feel that way)! It's the chaos in his own mind. I found it easier to be objective and forgive him for twisting my mind up as soon as I realized he had no idea what he was doing. Suddenly, my mind untwisted and I had a bit of clarity back. Hard as it sounds, try forgiving him for causing all this confusion. Realize and accept that you may never know why he said/did the things he's said/done. He doesn't need to know you forgive him. Forgiveness is for YOU. Once you have, the burden is lifted from you so you can think clearly again and make better decisions.

[Cellostrings]

After almost a week of barely communicating, he finally opens up. His job had changed his work schedule last week. I know he feels abandoned when he can't see me, so I told him we should talk about his new schedule so we can plan our time around it. This made him think I was going to walk out because this schedule meant we'd have less time together, so he deliberately pushed me away. Oh the fun of BPD! I don't know how pwBPD even make it through a single day without losing it

He's full of emotion and beliefs he doesn't deserve me now after being angry for so many days. But at least he's talking now. I just hug him and we move on.

I'm overwhelmed with relief at the moment. I really thought he was gone for good. It's given me some time for reflection though, which I hope strengthens me to deal with the next time. Because I know there'll be a next time.

[Jessica84]

 Glad to see you're working it out with him.

Even though this has passed, I would recommend the book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's very helpful with how to handle these kind of situations. There's also ways to deal with their feelings of shame for things that did during a dysregulation. Of course I forget all of them at the moment! Perhaps I need to re-read it! What I mostly do is work to forgive so as not to keep feeling the need to bring it up and trigger his shame. Your "hug and move on" approach may do the trick as long as you aren't harboring any resentments toward him. That's where forgiveness seals the deal.

[Notwendy]

"whether you want to continue to be with someone who can't handle the real stuff, only the superficial easy stuff."

Jessica, you are right on with your observations and also not bringing up the past as to trigger shame. These are two things that I have struggled with. My H is so competent with his job, and with situations that are not personal or emotional, that I had no idea he would not be with the "real stuff". I thought he was just doing that on purpose. However, a long term relationship involves "real stuff" over time and it used to just confuse me when he'd tune out, bring up something like the new game mentioned here, "look a squirrel!"

I really thought it was just me. His colleagues at work love him, he's been great with the kids ( but kids don't ask the "real stuff" until they are older). The relationship issues are mainly with me, and part of that is my issues, but the other part is that a long term intimate relation is intimate.

The bringing up the past- trigger shame is so right on. It would make me nuts that my mom could get drunk and rage all night and then the next morning, it is as if she erased the whole thing and everything is fine. If we dared make any references to the night before, they would be denied. That can really mess up a child's sense of reality. My H would do something similar, although thankfully he didn't drink, but if he raged, or we had a problem, or something he may have felt embarrased about afterwards, he'd do something nice, and that would magically erase the event in his mind. If I didn't erase it, then it was my fault for the problem.

The forgiveness is key, since I resented him for these things. Framing them in the context of a disability helps. My goal now is working on myself, my own issues, and also learning to accept my H for what he is, as well as the good parts of him.

[Jessica84]

My H would do something similar, although thankfully he didn't drink, but if he raged, or we had a problem, or something he may have felt embarrased about afterwards, he'd do something nice, and that would magically erase the event in his mind. If I didn't erase it, then it was my fault for the problem.

Yes. A lot of people think an apology should end the problem. What they don't realize is the apology merely stops the bleeding. Like any other injury, it takes a little time to heal from it.

Personally I can't "forgive and forget." I don't even try anymore. I tend to forgive and remember... but I sort of change the way I remember it, in a way that doesn't ignore the wound but also doesn't let me pick at the scab!

[Notwendy]

I think a sincere apology followed by a sincere attempt to not do what they did, is valid.

A simplified version would be stealing something, apologizing, paying the person back, then not stealing again.

The sequence isn't completed.

I's like stealing, paying you back, then taking it again, or blaming you for it.

I try to understand, then remember, forgive in the sense that I know it is their issues, but try not to hold too much of a grudge or make myself crazy over something they forgot long before I did.

[Jessica84]

With anyone else the making up for it and ending the behavior is what makes the apology sincere. But with him I know the behavior will repeat at some point. I have to remember that any apology from him is still sincere and he means it in the moment he says it. Doesn't mean he won't do it again. But I can accept it and try to move past it.

I try to understand, then remember, forgive in the sense that I know it is their issues, but try not to hold too much of a grudge or make myself crazy over something they forgot long before I did.

Yes exactly, but man can this be an exhausting thought process! I've practically had to re-wire my brain to get there! But it's helped me depersonalize much of it - forgiving him for me means looking more at the cause (the disorder) rather than the effect (the injury inflicted). If he hurts my feelings, I own them. Then I think "oh lord, he knows not what he does"... then I'm ok again.