My BPD girlfriend repeatedly hit me

[matilda19]

Tonight my girlfriend repeatedly hit me. I mean. I am a large guy. But what are you meant to do? She threw a mug at me. She hit me in the face more than 50 times. She strangled me repeatedly and even left cuts on my throat. She kicked me and kneed me. All of this because I accidentally invalidated her feelings whilst trying to validate them. She was feeling guilty for having a few drinks with some friends and I tried to alleviate these concerns by telling her that it was okay to do so and that she was allowed to let her hair down once in a while. She didn't want to hear this and apparently wanted me to tell her that she was wrong and had done something wrong and wasn't allowed to have drinks with friends. This doesn't make sense to me.

Regardless. This just seems like unacceptable behaviour. Is it okay to hit someone because they accidentally said something you didn't want to hear? This is not okay. It is embarrassing. To just lie there and take it while you are repeatedly hit in the face. I feel like a lesser man.

[Tim300]

Sorry to tell you this, but this is likely to get more dangerous.

[matilda19]

Sorry to tell you this, but this is likely to get more dangerous.

What do you mean? More violent? More life threatening? I tried to reason with her but she was just glazed over and throwing anything at me that was within reach.

[HappyNihilist]

matilda, I'm so sorry.    

No one deserves that sort of physical abuse - you did not deserve that. And yes, it is, without a doubt, unacceptable behavior.

I'm sorry you feel embarrassed. It does feel humiliating when we "just take it" when abuse is being dealt upon us. The truth is that you reacted in the way you felt was best at the time, based on your values and the information and opportunity you had. You did not feel it was right to engage her physically - that is your value, and it's very commendable. You did what you could to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible. There is no shame or guilt or embarrassment there at all.  

Are you away from your gf now? How are you feeling?

[matilda19]

matilda, I'm so sorry.    

No one deserves that sort of physical abuse - you did not deserve that. And yes, it is, without a doubt, unacceptable behavior.

I'm sorry you feel embarrassed. It does feel humiliating when we "just take it" when abuse is being dealt upon us. The truth is that you reacted in the way you felt was best at the time, based on your values and the information and opportunity you had. You did not feel it was right to engage her physically - that is your value, and it's very commendable. You did what you could to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible. There is no shame or guilt or embarrassment there at all.  

Are you away from your gf now? How are you feeling?

I did restrain her at one point but only after she cut my lip with a punch. I felt bad about it though.

I am away from her now. I simply went and slept on the couch. I am worried that this could have caused me more trouble though. Maybe I will pay for abandoning her tomorrow.

I feel confused. Hurt. I don't know what to do. I am truly torn. I love and care for her so much. But I feel that I am a good person. And a good and caring partner and I deserve better.

[SlyQQ]

Often especially in situations they have done something wrong they are not looking for validation they either want a fight or to be castigated for being weak willed its tricky to get it right validation is best in non confrontational situations once things start escalating you really need your radar abandoning scenario is always problematic is often best to say ( yell ) something like i will be back in an hour that is a less worse scenario but a prior agreement wear you follow a set course of action if violence looks like it may start e.g. go outside an she can ring you if she wants you to come back might be best

[HappyNihilist]

I did restrain her at one point but only after she cut my lip with a punch. I felt bad about it though.

Don't feel bad about restraining someone who's hurting you. (I know that's easier said than done. But it's not bad in any way to take care of yourself.)

I am away from her now. I simply went and slept on the couch. I am worried that this could have caused me more trouble though. Maybe I will pay for abandoning her tomorrow.

It's good that you're away from her. You can deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

When someone is in such a state of emotional dysregulation that they're throwing things, hitting, punching, etc. - the best thing you can do is safely stop the interaction (if possible). Leaving and sleeping somewhere else is good.

I feel confused. Hurt. I don't know what to do. I am truly torn. I love and care for her so much. But I feel that I am a good person. And a good and caring partner and I deserve better.

I'm so sorry. I read your other posts... .you are a good and caring partner, it's very obvious that you love and care for her deeply.  

It's perfectly understandable that you feel hurt and confused. It's heartbreaking when someone we love so much treats us in such an abusive manner. We know that we deserve better treatment... .but that doesn't stop the love.

You're hurt and you need to heal. Take some time and turn that love and caring onto yourself. You can't control your gf's feelings and behavior - if she has BPD, she will have those abandonment fears regardless of what you do - but you can focus on your own feelings right now.

[Samuel S.]

Matilda19, it is bad enough when we nonBPDs are being emotionally abused. We can only hope we can work with the lessons and with each other to resolve things. NEVERTHELESS, physical violence as you have described is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! Your life is in danger! It doesn't matter how much she loves you. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't have hit you. You need to take care of yourself and to leave. Again, your life is in danger, and I frankly fear for your life! Please leave - for your life!

[Tim300]

Matilda19,

Because you're here asking for advice, I will be blunt with you.  I would recommend trying to take some time apart from this relationship.  Spend a weekend visiting a friend or relative out of state, or something like that.  I think you're caught up in the fog in the heat of the moment; you are understandably very confused and not sure how best to proceed for you and for her.  If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, and a couple weekends apart shouldn't interfere with that.  I imagine though, that by spending some time apart, you will likely make progress in accepting the (potentially heartbreaking) reality that this is not someone who loves you in the way that normal people love others -- and she's likely not capable of that.  I think you'll realize that this is really not somebody who is worth your time.  I'm not saying that an immediate breakup decision is required right at this moment (emotions are obviously high for both parties so that might not be a good idea), but it doesn't seem like much bad could come out of cordially spending some time apart now.    

Regarding your question, "Is it okay to hit someone because they accidentally said something you didn't want to hear?": No, this is not OK.  Perhaps more importantly, it is not normal.  It indicates that something is very off about this person.

Regarding your question about it getting more violent and life-threatening: Yes, I think it could go down this road.  Why wouldn't it?  As a relationship grows often emotions increase in intensity.  Clearly she has displayed that she can't control herself in the face of a perceived slight.  I understand the possibility that people make mistakes and might lose control of themselves at times, but this seems pretty extreme.  Maybe if you're not sure what she's capable of you can furtively conduct a background check on her.  Perhaps there's a way to see if she has a criminal record, or there's a way to get some inside scoop on her past behavior without putting yourself in danger.