How do you get your head and heart to agree?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After reading countless accounts here that have so many similarities to my own experience, it is easier to depersonalize... .at least on an intellectual level. My head (mostly) understands whats going on, but my heart is playing catch up as the last 90 days of my 15 year marriage has included the following:

90 days ago - She gets a tattoo of a tattoo I already had to "signify her commitment"

80 days ago - Established new marriage therapist together to improve our communication and her (in moments of vulnerability) admitted issues with intimacy.

70 days ago - Told me she has to move out because she's triggered and has to "work on her stuff" (we've been separated 5 other times due to various issues that I ,in hindsight, recognize as BPD behavior)

70 days ago - I draw a boundary and tell her that while it would break my heart to do so, if she chooses to leave, I will file for divorce as I can't survive never knowing when the other shoe will drop. (I've filed)

60 days ago - I'm told that the previous 10 days (our last ten days of living together) were "more beautiful that she could bear" and she will hold on to hope for redemption even if I can't... .she moves out.

30 days ago - after having spent the previous month begging me to change my boundary and texting me constantly about her love and drive to "do work so she can come to the marriage whole" she shuts down.

29 days ago - begins dating another guy.

I look at what I just typed and my head knows that it is this awful disorder. Who does this after a 15 year marriage? My head knows that the replacement isn't really about me. My head knows that I am no different than any of us, but my heart... .that's a different story.

Any tips on how to get your head and heart to agree?

[saintjude]

After reading countless accounts here that have so many similarities to my own experience, it is easier to depersonalize... .at least on an intellectual level. My head (mostly) understands whats going on, but my heart is playing catch up as the last 90 days of my 15 year marriage has included the following:

90 days ago - She gets a tattoo of a tattoo I already had to "signify her commitment"

80 days ago - Established new marriage therapist together to improve our communication and her (in moments of vulnerability) admitted issues with intimacy.

70 days ago - Told me she has to move out because she's triggered and has to "work on her stuff" (we've been separated 5 other times due to various issues that I ,in hindsight, recognize as BPD behavior)

70 days ago - I draw a boundary and tell her that while it would break my heart to do so, if she chooses to leave, I will file for divorce as I can't survive never knowing when the other shoe will drop. (I've filed)

60 days ago - I'm told that the previous 10 days (our last ten days of living together) were "more beautiful that she could bear" and she will hold on to hope for redemption even if I can't... .she moves out.

30 days ago - after having spent the previous month begging me to change my boundary and texting me constantly about her love and drive to "do work so she can come to the marriage whole" she shuts down.

29 days ago - begins dating another guy.

I look at what I just typed and my head knows that it is this awful disorder. Who does this after a 15 year marriage? My head knows that the replacement isn't really about me. My head knows that I am no different than any of us, but my heart... .that's a different story.

Any tips on how to get your head and heart to agree?

[Copperfox]

This might seem like a trite answer, but I don't mean it to be ... .obviously, like many of us, you've been through some pretty crappy stuff.  I feel for you.

My answer is: time and patience.  Keep reminding yourself everyday what you know to be true.  Make a list, just like the one you wrote down above.  Reread it everyday.  Hold it in your mind.  Your heart will follow eventually.  It just may drag its feet along the way ... .

[myself]

Not sure this can ever fully happen. Or even that it's really supposed to. The heart is way more sensitive than our mind, it seems, when it comes to making sense of this stuff. Acceptance and indifference are said to be keys to this, but those both seem more of the mind. Feelings might not always be facts but they're some of the deepest moments of being alive, and often they become 'what was/what is'. Perhaps because our hearts tend to be more open than our minds much of the time, it's not as natural for many of us to close or change that part of ourselves, even while trying to reconcile the pains and pleasures of our lives. In between is where the truth is?

[LimboFL]

SaintJude, they won't agree, especially when we know about BPD. The head understands that the outlook is so marred in complexity but not only does the heart longs for the woman (in our cases) that we know exists in there but also that it feels empathy for the chaos our ex SO's live with every day. Like mine, your ex wife (I know how hard that term is to digest) was clearly aware of her troubles and aware of the heartache she caused you.

Whether it is will power or simply because their minds switch from the person who desperately wants to change to the one who is selfish, they simply give up trying and worse, they believe that the answer lies in someone else, a new (temporary) partner.

I believe that their selfish side feels that they are missing out by being in a committed relationship and that it is easier to simply start fresh (for a while). I also believe that because they often feel so hollow, that the new relationship somehow gives them the rush they need, to feel temporarily fulfilled.

I don't know where I stand on how I feel about my ex. I love her and miss her, but I don't miss the overwhelming complexity of the dynamic. There were some wonderful days of just peace and where the day just rolled out so nicely, everything was in sync.

I suspect that there is a midlife component. I was with my ex wife for 20 years and it happened. So I believe that you have a lot of components that have caused things to be where they are right now. I don't know you or your story but 15 years is a long time. I believe that we both did the right thing. I moved out the next day, to her absolute shock (after she out of nowhere said she was going on a date on NYE out of town with some guy she met 1000 miles away who still lives with his "ex" wife and kids). I was not going to sit there.

You also drew a boundary and stuck to it. I firmly believe that for as angry as my ex got, I believe that I established a level of respect and believe that after a month, she might be questioning her decision. I have no proof of that but she communicated with me today, on a practical matter and while the words were straight forward, the delivery was very soft.

Whether you can deal with her running off with another man is another matter. I am 47 and while I won't take it, the heart is still saying, "hmmm, if you love her, maybe her having a quick fling (once) isn't that big of a deal, especially when you know that there is BPD involved. That there is going to come a point where the ___ is going to hit the fan. BUT it's not about the one time, it is about how many times is it going to happen after that. That is where my brain comes in and tempers the heart.

You have a lot more invested than I do, but again, I believe that your head made the correct decision. The heart might eventually follow, especially as you ruminate on all that she might have done to you, but the heart could still prevail. No one would blame you, that is for sure. There is a wide swath of people on this site who con't get the heart to be in sync with the mind. We fell in love with them and wanting to care for them, with all that we know, is what love is all about, no? For better or for worse, right? In sickness and in health? I mean, we say that at the altar no? The problem is that there is a part of them that can't adhere to those vows because when they kick into the wrong gear, they are nothing but words, which brings us back to the 3 year old and their understanding of right and wrong.

Stay strong. There are those that have abandoned them and there are those who keep a distance with them until we have decided what we want to do next. You were married to her for 15 years, your heart isn't going to fall in line quickly but you empowered yourself, as I did by drawing a line in the sand and we both should feel good about that.  

[saintjude]

  Thank you all for your responses. There is much wisdom here on this board.

  One of my favorite authors equated these sorts of traumas to a severely broken leg. The bone may not set the same, but you learn to dance with a limp.

  I'm not hung up on whether I chose the right thing. LimboFL, you're right in that I do consider not just what has happened, but what would likely happen in the future. Being honest with myself helps me stay grounded in my choice, albeit an awful one to make.

   I coincidentally had to go a city for work that her family lives in. I'm taking an extra couple days at the end to say my goodbyes. I've been so fortunate to have a wonderful family of in-laws. We have become very close over the last 15 years. They are heartbroken at what has happened, but are supportive of me and my decisions. They've shared that they're scared for their daughter.

  Last night I saw my 5 nieces and nephews probably for the last time. They are too young to understand and are of course out of the loop of details. They don't know they won't see me again. I had to excuse myself during the visit to gain my composure. This is excruciating. There is a verse in Psalms where the author is struggling with the idea of "having to pay back that which I did not steal". That rings true for me in my hotel room tonight. The unfairness to all involved is mind boggling. There are moments where I feel compassion for her struggle, and moments where I feel angry at the loss and all of the corpses lying in the wake of this mess.

  Thank you for listening. Rough night.

[raisins3142]

That sounds very difficult, those goodbyes.  But it speaks to your character that you are making them.

My r/s was much shorter than your own and did not involve marriage.

Time apart has helped, as others have said.

Also, although continual anger is not good, my anger has helped me.  I am angry at how she treated me.  That anger broke the love bond between us for me.  Now, I just need to move on from this anger, but the anger was an important step for me.