It's time to really take a look

[Depression = 72% of members]

Let me start by saying that I was raised by a mom that I believe is uBPD.  I never really realized what an impact that had on my life until recently.  I have realized I need to start to take some mental inventory and start learning to behave in normal ways.  Normal ways especially in the relationships I form with the opposite sex.

I am so used to be discarded and having my feelings and emotions ignored, that I have come to expect that that is the way people will behave.  It's like i sabotage myself.  normal people who aren't used to my type of reaction seem to run for the hills, and fast.  As a friend, I am great.  People love me and I can offer great advice from an outside perspective.  But when it comes to managing my own feelings, it feels like they go hay wire.  I short circuit and just act instead of thinking before i act.

I know that having been raised by a mom who hasn't validated my feelings is causing this reaction.  I know it intrinsically.  My feelings and emotional reaction is never right.  So, what do I do, I strike out and try to project the hurt I am feeling onto someone.  Is it so they will go away and I won't be hurt anymore, or is it because I want some validation for the feelings I am having.  I think it is the ladder.  I want some validation for my feelings.  I want people to understand what is happening to me and to acknowledge the way they have treated me hurts.  Whether it's right or wrong, I long for that.  I just go about getting it in such a bizarre/reactive way.

Example.  I started dating this guy recently that I have been talking to through text and on skype for months.  We get along or "got" along and he really seemed interested in me.  I was definitely interested in him.  We have only seen each other twice but have been in contact for months.  Anyways, the last time I saw him was a week ago.  We had plans last night to see a movie and this weekend to hang out.  Last night, he cancelled the plans to the movies.  He actually did it very non-chalantly and in hind site, he just genuinely didn't feel like getting up and getting ready to go see a movie when he had to work out of town today.  Instead of accepting his answer, I threw a fit basically.  My feelings were hurt.  I couldn't understand why he would hurt my feelings and not even be able to acknowledge that.  He was just like, it's not that big of a deal and we will see each other on the weekend.  I hung up on him and acted like a child. 

In the end, he basically said that he thought we wouldn't work out.  This is actually a normal response from a normal person.  I recognize that.  I recognize that I sabotage myself by pushing too fast too hard and expecting an emotional investment too soon.  It feels like I have been seeking this emotional validation my whole entire life, and I just want to feel that from someone.  It's almost like ANYONE will do (within reason).  I want to work on this.  I want to accept myself and my own feelings and be okay with them.  I want to be able to trust people when they say they like me.  I don't want to base building something on singular events (if that makes any sense).  It's like I have picked up this BPD trait from my mom where people are all or nothing based on a singular action.  For me, I don't keep a tally or not forgive people or not even accept that my own judgement is bad.  I realize I make mistakes.  I just want to learn to recognize these feelings and where they come from and how to deal with them.

I am ready to start taking personal inventory.  I am ready to make my life better by stepping outside of my normal schema of thinking.  I want to come up with new schemas for reacting to and dealing with life.  Any advice/comments or does anyone even recognize any of the above thought processes and have anything to add?

I appreciate the time.

[chronsweet]

Let me start by saying that I was raised by a mom that I believe is uBPD.  I never really realized what an impact that had on my life until recently.  I have realized I need to start to take some mental inventory and start learning to behave in normal ways.  Normal ways especially in the relationships I form with the opposite sex.

I am so used to be discarded and having my feelings and emotions ignored, that I have come to expect that that is the way people will behave.  It's like i sabotage myself.  normal people who aren't used to my type of reaction seem to run for the hills, and fast.  As a friend, I am great.  People love me and I can offer great advice from an outside perspective.  But when it comes to managing my own feelings, it feels like they go hay wire.  I short circuit and just act instead of thinking before i act.

I know that having been raised by a mom who hasn't validated my feelings is causing this reaction.  I know it intrinsically.  My feelings and emotional reaction is never right.  So, what do I do, I strike out and try to project the hurt I am feeling onto someone.  Is it so they will go away and I won't be hurt anymore, or is it because I want some validation for the feelings I am having.  I think it is the ladder.  I want some validation for my feelings.  I want people to understand what is happening to me and to acknowledge the way they have treated me hurts.  Whether it's right or wrong, I long for that.  I just go about getting it in such a bizarre/reactive way.

Example.  I started dating this guy recently that I have been talking to through text and on skype for months.  We get along or "got" along and he really seemed interested in me.  I was definitely interested in him.  We have only seen each other twice but have been in contact for months.  Anyways, the last time I saw him was a week ago.  We had plans last night to see a movie and this weekend to hang out.  Last night, he cancelled the plans to the movies.  He actually did it very non-chalantly and in hind site, he just genuinely didn't feel like getting up and getting ready to go see a movie when he had to work out of town today.  Instead of accepting his answer, I threw a fit basically.  My feelings were hurt.  I couldn't understand why he would hurt my feelings and not even be able to acknowledge that.  He was just like, it's not that big of a deal and we will see each other on the weekend.  I hung up on him and acted like a child. 

In the end, he basically said that he thought we wouldn't work out.  This is actually a normal response from a normal person.  I recognize that.  I recognize that I sabotage myself by pushing too fast too hard and expecting an emotional investment too soon.  It feels like I have been seeking this emotional validation my whole entire life, and I just want to feel that from someone.  It's almost like ANYONE will do (within reason).  I want to work on this.  I want to accept myself and my own feelings and be okay with them.  I want to be able to trust people when they say they like me.  I don't want to base building something on singular events (if that makes any sense).  It's like I have picked up this BPD trait from my mom where people are all or nothing based on a singular action.  For me, I don't keep a tally or not forgive people or not even accept that my own judgement is bad.  I realize I make mistakes.  I just want to learn to recognize these feelings and where they come from and how to deal with them.

I am ready to start taking personal inventory.  I am ready to make my life better by stepping outside of my normal schema of thinking.  I want to come up with new schemas for reacting to and dealing with life.  Any advice/comments or does anyone even recognize any of the above thought processes and have anything to add?

I appreciate the time.

[Suzn]

Hi chronsweet, welcome to PI. First of all I get where your coming from. It takes a lot of courage to want to look within and start working on our own behavior patterns. Our reactions to triggers, which it seems he totally triggered you in the situation. I think you're right it was probably an overreaction since you've only seen him twice. Had this become a pattern of his to do this to you it would be understandable to be hurt. Or angry as it seemed. We've all been there.

One of the practices I've gotten into was to try to better identify my emotions, am I angry or simply disappointed? It takes some self discipline to stop yourself when we feel angry and ask "ok, what's going on with me at this moment?" Do I feel ignored, slighted, embarrassed, etc... This takes some practice but if you can catch yourself at that moment,

insert logic by asking yourself questions it kinda takes some of the emotion out of it. In other words it helps to balance logic and emotion. It helps respond more appropriately, from a more balanced place.

When we start getting a better understanding of our patterns of behavior a funny thing happens, we start recognizing patterns in others. This is a very good thing because even though we may be lonely, we certainly don't want to accept "attention" from just anybody. If we are this accepting we may very well overlook some big red flags. It's our  responsibility to take care of and protect ourselves. Getting to know ourself by practicing identifying our emotions, our reactions to those emotions and taking on personal responsibility is a big first step.

What are your thoughts, willing to give it a try?

[chronsweet]

I know I can do that with practice. Why do I know I can do this?  Because immediately after I have over-reacted, I immediately sense and acknowledge the bad or inappropriate action that I have taken.  I also know that after being in terrible relationships my entire life, that I need to get a grip on my emotions BEFORE I seek out or put myself in a dating position. 

It wasn't until I recognized how I interact with my uBPDm and recognized what that had done to me on an individual basis that I could even begin to see how I interacted in relationships with people, in general, at all.  What happens: If I don't like what I hear or I sense that it is going to hurt me even in the slightest, up goes a wall.  I can see my actions in my past relationship with my ex-husband all colored with these same defense mechanisms.  We got along most of the time, but if my feelings were hurt, up went the wall and communication break down.  Instead of communicating and working on our marriage, I ended it (after 13 years).  Not due to infidelity or money or anything, but simply, because I felt like he would never be able to get me and where I was coming from on a few particularly emotional issues at that time.

As an example, I went on several dates with a man that was very interested in me.  He told me, 'you're so cool and easy to hang out with and fun.  BUT, when you get to a certain point of conversation or proximity to topics/personal space, you can actually see you shutting down or going into protection mode.'  And I ACTUALLY FEEL this happening to me.  I feel awkward around other people at times, especially women.  Men, I don't feel too awkward around because to be honest, I know how to 'first communicate' with a man.  And it's visual.  Most of the time.  But where there is much depth to me, it is so hard for me to share that with other people unless I have been in your company for months or even years.  That just doesn't work or translate very well when dating people you don't know.

So basically, I have met a couple very nice men, who I really would have liked to get to know better.  However, I don't yet have the tools to step into that territory I suppose. I have tried telling myself that I just need to learn from my mistakes.  But really, my mistakes are pretty deep and not relegated to 'don't text him too much' or 'wait for him to call you', etc.  They are much more to do with my reaction to the perception of being hurt, in advance.  I expect that people will hurt me.  I am already acting defensively instead of just allowing things 'to be'.  Growing up, I literally waited for the blow up/rage/explosion to occur.  Those words, "mommy loves you," were ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS followed at some point by some of the most hateful sentences a mother could utter to a child.  And this didn't stop in childhood, but continues to this day.  I have been practicing dealing with the emotional outbursts and pain of this as well.  I feel like this is the 'root' if you will of my emotional insecurities.  I recognize that placing blame isn't going to work.  I recognize that being able to have my uBPDm ever admit that how she acted/acts will not happen either.  I will NEVER get closure from her.  I need to find that closure within.

I guess the most important thing for me RIGHT NOW, is that, I recognize these feelings and what is happening to me.  I recognize I need coping mechanisms for dealing with these feelings. 

Thanks for reading and for your advice. 

[Suzn]

Chronsweet being capable of recognizing our behavior patterns is half the battle, truly, and that is a very big deal. Kuddos for your diligence. 

Behavior patterns are ingrained and not easy to change. Try not to beat yourself up, mistakes are human. Your reactions are not "bad" as you put it, they served to protect you as a child for a reason and are following you into adulthood. Be kind to yourself as you are on your path to self awareness. This growth is hard sometimes, that's why they call it "doing the work" in therapy.

I get what you are saying about blame. I've reorganized my thoughts on the very same thing with my own mother. It's not about blame it's about understanding why we feel the way we do or act the way we do. Grieving a childhood comes with some anger, it's ok to be angry and hurt. It's a very normal step in the grieving process. And it can come in waves, it has for me. It takes time to grasp all the nuances of our history.

I think it's very wise of you to put dating on hold so that you can be more emotionally available. That's being kind to yourself and any potential partner.