I need to learn how to deal with my grown daughter

[Buller54]

I have to avoid my daughter now for my own sanity. She verbally attacks me relentlessly, most often in front of others. I have helped her with her bills, to the point of hurting myself financially. Yet I have been her prime target. After the worst night of all, I've decided not to answer the phone when she calls. I hate doing this, but I can't lie in bed crying and shaking from being so upset. She feels her boyfriend who lives with her walks on water, but he won't get a job. She's not able to, because she has tachycardia and high blood pressure. I have coronary heart disease myself, so neither one of us are in great condition now. I keep thinking that it's wrong not to talk to her, but my other daughter feels strongly that a relationship between us now is toxic. Until she can get better. I've not been a perfect parent, just don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Buller54

Welcome to bpdfamily  The situation with your daughter sounds very stressful. Considering your own health issues it's probably wise that you've decided to distance yourself somewhat. Taking good care of yourself is very important.

Since when has your daughter been behaving like this? Are there also other behaviors of hers that you find difficult to deal with? Has she been diagnosed with any mental or emotional disorder?

Many of our members know how stressful it can be to have a child with a personality disorder and will be able to relate to you and give you advice. I also suggest you take a look at the various tools and lessons you see to the right of this message board. They can help you better understand your daughter's behavior and also help you learn new skills so you can better deal with her.

[qcarolr]

I keep thinking that it's wrong not to talk to her, but my other daughter feels strongly that a relationship between us now is toxic. Until she can get better. I've not been a perfect parent, just don't know what to do.

Buller54  

My heart goes out to you. I have lived in this place with my BPDDD28 for a long time. There are some ways to make things better and yes, it takes some effort to find healthier ways to respond to our angry, struggling, dysregulated adult kids. To find ways to create a safety plan for ourselves - none of us deserve any kind of abuse including verbal and financial. Are you feeling exhausted and burned out? It sounds like some focus on self-care may be a first step while you give yourself a chance to learn some new tools.

As parents, we all do the best we can with what we have in the moment. Finding the ability to accept and forgive myself for the 'bad parenting moments' is an ongoing process. Seeking out and building a support network for myself is an essential ingredient for me to change myself - I cannot change anyone else. Now that is a difficult lesson to learn and stick with.

It started here at bpdfamily several years ago. Over the past couple years I have pushed myself out of self-isolation, along with my dh doing the same, and created a network of people in my life that I can call on. To listen, to ask questions and help me figure out some answers. Then they hold me accountable of sticking to new ways of thinking, doing, and feeling. They do not judge me or my actions or mistakes. They care, listen, and encourage me.

I am a very stubborn, self-sufficient woman. This has slowed me down in getting to the better place of today. I have changed in many ways. My relationships are better with my Dh and my gd9 (who we are raising), and yes - with my DD28. She is still who she is, will choose to do what she does. And she knows I love her always and will not allow her in my personal space ( at home, on phone, in car, in public, etc) when she is treating me badly. I leave if she won't. If she blocks my way, or won't get out of my car -- security or police are contacted and they do get her to leave. Every time. Wow, the guilt of this is a continuous process for me was overcome.

How are you taking care of yourself? Can you hear the concern in your other D's comments you shared in this post? Are you able to allow yourself a break from your troubling D - maybe limiting you contact with her? I am assuming she does not live with you. Is this correct? May I ask her age?

Starting with the link to "Communicate Boundaries & Limits" in the sidebar at the right might be a good place for you to start. Please keep coming back. We do understand as many of us have been in your place. We do care.

qcr