I broke her heart by being honest

[HappyNihilist]

dan, I just want to echo what Notwendy said - it's very commendable that you've been able to take some challenging feedback in a positive sense and use it to examine your feelings and yourself more.

It sounds like a lot has been building with you - not only with your gf, but overall - and this particular situation has just served as a catalyst to bring those feelings and frustrations to the surface. This is a great opportunity to really examine yourself, and your feelings about this relationship (and love in general).

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

^ This.

Someone can not trigger feelings in us, unless at some level we relate to that trigger.

However, if he says or does something that really upsets me, turns me off, makes me angry, it could be because he is being abusive, but it could also teach me something about myself. This might remind me of my parents, or make me feel abandoned or rejected, or just not be appealing, but my reaction is very likely to be more about me, than about him.

Your GF didn't do anything mean or hurtful to you, but it triggered a strong revulsion in you. Something to think about.

^ And this.

I have a tendency to fall for women who need "saving" and then find myself irritated and frustrated when they arent magically fixed when I help them.

This is a very important realization. 

Focus on and explore this more. There's a lot going on here; start unpacking it.

You see yourself as a rescuer/fixer in relationships. Where do you think that might come from? Why might you have subconsciously associated "saving" with love? What purpose does this dynamic serve for you? (Other than the inevitable frustration it brings.)

I have a long line of (not sure how to say this without sounding awful) "broken" women in my past... .my current gf is probably the one who has needed the least amount of rescuing and shes an ex drug addict with BPD who used to work in the adult industry, has 3 kids by 3 different men and has suffered an insane amount of abuse. I realize theres something in myself that makes me fall for women like this. Im just not sure what it is.

Yes, there is something in you that makes you fall for "broken women"... .and it's ok that you're not sure what it is right now. You're on the path to self-discovery, but it's not an overnight journey. (I play a lot of video games, esp. RPGs, and I've often found myself wishing there was a mental "fast travel" option in real life.) You're asking the right questions, and obviously are open to probing and challenging yourself.

That said, my current gf... .I didnt fall for her based on a need to save her per se... .the first time we were together, yes, but not this time. When we resumed contact after 7 yrs, she had changed so much... .had "saved herself" so to speak and I admire that in her so much.

That is admirable. I read your intro post, and it sounds like she's done a lot of work on herself.

Am I correct in the timeframe, that you were together for 6 months, then apart for 7 years, reconnected, and moved in together a month later? And you've been living together now for over a year?

BPD symptoms often get more pronounced the longer the relationship lasts. Closeness and intimacy trigger those core abandonment fears. Even if she's worked on herself and come far, she will still feel and have to deal with those triggered feelings.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

I highly recommend you read some of member 2010's posts (link). They explain these types of dynamics and relationships so well. A few excerpts--

Borderlines often attract people who have 'ideas of reference' about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents, further reinforcing their unstable sense of self. The easiest and most life-affirming connection they make is with people who place them in 'one-down' positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors, and white knights, as well as voice hogs and self-centered.

---

"I choose partners that I perceive to be in a one-down position so that I can feel better about myself. [It] means that I think they need me to function in life, which gives me a short-lived sense of self-esteem."

---

Fixer mentality distracts you from your own problems.

---

Helping = fixing = controlling = intrusion = no boundaries = vulnerability. End result is both people fear abandonment because this isn't love, it's need. Follow the need and you will discover yourself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

Have you had this problem before in relationships? 

It sounds like she likes you but you're just not that in to her.  Growing more dependent on your SO seems like a natural, healthy progression to me in a relationship,  but perhaps I'm misguided.

Im into her. I love her. I do want to be with her... .but I miss the fun, funny, tough woman she seemed to be before  she moved in. The neediness isnt sexy... .its almost sad. I wish she felt more confident.

Guessing you are on this site because she is PD... .Neediness... .one of their many traits.

[JohnLove]

Love and intimacy to me means partnership... .it means not making another person your life but choosing to share your life with that person.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

Hmm... .relationships to me are so much more than a "partnership". You make it kinda sound like a business arrangement. Intimate relationships to me are about discovery, personal growth, and emotional support. We should probably not forget about Love either.

If the relationship is not "satisfying" in these areas then you should probably express your needs or wants to your partner and if they are not responsive it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. The relationship should be a mutually beneficial arrangement. There should be something in it for both of you and should be mutually satisfying. Of course it won't always be satisfying. Sometimes it may be trying, especially with a pwBPD.

dan78, you have expressed yourself fairly clearly to me with regard to the "less than me" and the "like one of the kids". I understand what you mean. Relationships with a pwBPD can feel different because of their high level emotional needs resulting from their arrested emotional development. She is indeed "less than you" in some areas, but dont think she may be more developed than you in others. pwBPD can show great intellect and sensitivity. Never underestimate her ability to teach you things about relationships or about yourself.

This arrested emotional development got my BPDgf into situations that caused her great suffering (5 kids to 3 fathers). Not her "fault". No blame. Just is. She has told me I have turned her life around with regard to Love. That she can now see her previous partners were less (read: not) interested in her and more (read: only) interested in sex. This led her down a path of so much abuse. She has explained to me that she mistakenly believed lust and sexual desire from men was Love (and that is sad). But she explains it to me like a revelation (and that is good). Sorting through the BPD statements and the truth can also be a challenge. But my BPDgf can show enormous respect for our relationship. Like her life depended on it. I find that level of commitment very alluring.

Relationships with a person suffering from BPD can require more emotional nurturing from the non partner. Your lack of nurturing of her feelings is abusive. You have explained that you don't want that for her or for you. I commend you for trying to make things better for both of you.

Be true to her. But also be true to yourself. That's the best advice I can give you.

[dan78]

dan, I just want to echo what Notwendy said - it's very commendable that you've been able to take some challenging feedback in a positive sense and use it to examine your feelings and yourself more.

It sounds like a lot has been building with you - not only with your gf, but overall - and this particular situation has just served as a catalyst to bring those feelings and frustrations to the surface. This is a great opportunity to really examine yourself, and your feelings about this relationship (and love in general).

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

^ This.

Someone can not trigger feelings in us, unless at some level we relate to that trigger.

However, if he says or does something that really upsets me, turns me off, makes me angry, it could be because he is being abusive, but it could also teach me something about myself. This might remind me of my parents, or make me feel abandoned or rejected, or just not be appealing, but my reaction is very likely to be more about me, than about him.

Your GF didn't do anything mean or hurtful to you, but it triggered a strong revulsion in you. Something to think about.

^ And this.

I have a tendency to fall for women who need "saving" and then find myself irritated and frustrated when they arent magically fixed when I help them.

This is a very important realization. 

Focus on and explore this more. There's a lot going on here; start unpacking it.

You see yourself as a rescuer/fixer in relationships. Where do you think that might come from? Why might you have subconsciously associated "saving" with love? What purpose does this dynamic serve for you? (Other than the inevitable frustration it brings.)

I have a long line of (not sure how to say this without sounding awful) "broken" women in my past... .my current gf is probably the one who has needed the least amount of rescuing and shes an ex drug addict with BPD who used to work in the adult industry, has 3 kids by 3 different men and has suffered an insane amount of abuse. I realize theres something in myself that makes me fall for women like this. Im just not sure what it is.

Yes, there is something in you that makes you fall for "broken women"... .and it's ok that you're not sure what it is right now. You're on the path to self-discovery, but it's not an overnight journey. (I play a lot of video games, esp. RPGs, and I've often found myself wishing there was a mental "fast travel" option in real life.) You're asking the right questions, and obviously are open to probing and challenging yourself.

That said, my current gf... .I didnt fall for her based on a need to save her per se... .the first time we were together, yes, but not this time. When we resumed contact after 7 yrs, she had changed so much... .had "saved herself" so to speak and I admire that in her so much.

That is admirable. I read your intro post, and it sounds like she's done a lot of work on herself.

Am I correct in the timeframe, that you were together for 6 months, then apart for 7 years, reconnected, and moved in together a month later? And you've been living together now for over a year?

BPD symptoms often get more pronounced the longer the relationship lasts. Closeness and intimacy trigger those core abandonment fears. Even if she's worked on herself and come far, she will still feel and have to deal with those triggered feelings.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

I highly recommend you read some of member 2010's posts (link). They explain these types of dynamics and relationships so well. A few excerpts--

Borderlines often attract people who have 'ideas of reference' about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents, further reinforcing their unstable sense of self. The easiest and most life-affirming connection they make is with people who place them in 'one-down' positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors, and white knights, as well as voice hogs and self-centered.

---

"I choose partners that I perceive to be in a one-down position so that I can feel better about myself. [It] means that I think they need me to function in life, which gives me a short-lived sense of self-esteem."

---

Fixer mentality distracts you from your own problems.

---

Helping = fixing = controlling = intrusion = no boundaries = vulnerability. End result is both people fear abandonment because this isn't love, it's need. Follow the need and you will discover yourself.

Thank you for all of that. Youve given me much to consider.  I do need to look inside myself and figure out why I make the choices I do and what it is that creates these feelings I have.

You are correct about the timeline. We actually have a 6 yr old daughter together I am finally getting the chance to know.  She has changed so much between 7 yrs ago and now.  The drama and chaos of our first try at a relationship is a thing of the past.  She handles difficulties and challenges gracefully instead of losing it completely and she no longer treats her exh like a backup plan.  I am truly proud of her.

[dan78]

Love and intimacy to me means partnership... .it means not making another person your life but choosing to share your life with that person.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

Hmm... .relationships to me are so much more than a "partnership". You make it kinda sound like a business arrangement. Intimate relationships to me are about discovery, personal growth, and emotional support. We should probably not forget about Love either.

If the relationship is not "satisfying" in these areas then you should probably express your needs or wants to your partner and if they are not responsive it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. The relationship should be a mutually beneficial arrangement. There should be something in it for both of you and should be mutually satisfying. Of course it won't always be satisfying. Sometimes it may be trying, especially with a pwBPD.

dan78, you have expressed yourself fairly clearly to me with regard to the "less than me" and the "like one of the kids". I understand what you mean. Relationships with a pwBPD can feel different because of their high level emotional needs resulting from their arrested emotional development. She is indeed "less than you" in some areas, but dont think she may be more developed than you in others. pwBPD can show great intellect and sensitivity. Never underestimate her ability to teach you things about relationships or about yourself.

This arrested emotional development got my BPDgf into situations that caused her great suffering (5 kids to 3 fathers). Not her "fault". No blame. Just is. She has told me I have turned her life around with regard to Love. That she can now see her previous partners were less (read: not) interested in her and more (read: only) interested in sex. This led her down a path of so much abuse. She has explained to me that she mistakenly believed lust and sexual desire from men was Love (and that is sad). But she explains it to me like a revelation (and that is good). Sorting through the BPD statements and the truth can also be a challenge. But my BPDgf can show enormous respect for our relationship. Like her life depended on it. I find that level of commitment very alluring.

Relationships with a person suffering from BPD can require more emotional nurturing from the non partner. Your lack of nurturing of her feelings is abusive. You have explained that you don't want that for her or for you. I commend you for trying to make things better for both of you.

Be true to her. But also be true to yourself. That's the best advice I can give you.

I realize theres more to love and intimacy than that... .im not good at putting the emotional side into words. Shes much better at that than I am.   I definitely realize theres a lot she could teach me in that area.  Shes very in touch with her feelings and she expresses them openly and well.

Shes definitely had a rough past. Shes made poor choices but shes also survived some horrible things. The fact that she is still standing in a miracle in itself. It isnt surprising that her emotional development would be arrested in some ways.

I do want to be loving and nurturing towards her... .I dont want to get annoyed at shut down when she has her needier moments. I realize that isnt fair to her and will end up sabotaging our relationship.

[dan78]

Have you had this problem before in relationships? 

It sounds like she likes you but you're just not that in to her.  Growing more dependent on your SO seems like a natural, healthy progression to me in a relationship,  but perhaps I'm misguided.

Im into her. I love her. I do want to be with her... .but I miss the fun, funny, tough woman she seemed to be before  she moved in. The neediness isnt sexy... .its almost sad. I wish she felt more confident.

Guessing you are on this site because she is PD... .Neediness... .one of their many traits.

Yes. She is BPD... .but the more I read, the more I realize she would definitely be considered high functioning now.

[Notwendy]

It sounds like your GF has done a lot of hard work. I'm glad you can be more sensitive to her.

That love and caring that Johnlove speaks of, wow, I could have used a fraction of that. My H is trying harder, but I doubt he will  that close of a look at himself.

What made him decide he'd gone too far is that I got so depressed, there was not much left of me to give him. I didn't leave physically, but it was pretty obvious that the person I was was not there. But healing from a love that was stomped on isn't easy.

Beter to not stomp on it if you can.

[Jessica84]

When she acts "childlike", try to soothe and comfort the frightened insecure little girl in her. The woman you love will come back. But keep in mind the little girl in her is still part of her and probably always will be. You'll have to be willing to reassure this side of her as often as it takes to keep bringing the woman back.

[dan78]

It sounds like your GF has done a lot of hard work. I'm glad you can be more sensitive to her.

That love and caring that Johnlove speaks of, wow, I could have used a fraction of that. My H is trying harder, but I doubt he will  that close of a look at himself.

What made him decide he'd gone too far is that I got so depressed, there was not much left of me to give him. I didn't leave physically, but it was pretty obvious that the person I was was not there. But healing from a love that was stomped on isn't easy.

Beter to not stomp on it if you can.

I dont want to stomp on her love and hurt her that way and I do want to be more sensitive to her.  Its not easy sometimes.  She cried for 3 hrs tonight because our roommate looks younger than she does... .our roommate is 26. My gf is 36. Of course our roommate looks younger. But my gf is much more beautiful and I told her so repeatedly. It didnt seem to matter much :/

[Notwendy]

That's a good start. I think all of us would love it when our bf/spouses tell us we are beautiful. Crying for 3 hours- that's tough, it would stretch most people's patience. Good for you for hanging in there.

Think of these ideas. People with BPD feel their feelings intensely, and feelings are facts to them. Our society is very looks oriented, and looking older for women, isn't easy. Yes, it happens, but in our youth oriented culture, it isn't easy. For those of us who can manage emotions, we deal with it, it's part of life and the best we can do is try to stay as fit and healthy as we can, but we will look older regardless and we may not like it, but we accept that this is the way it is.

Read the lessons on validating. When our partners are upset about something that we know isn't true, then our first impulse is to tell them it isn't true, but that feels invalidating to them. We can validate the feeling but not the fact. In fact, it isn't a good idea for a man to tell a woman she is looking older or fat or anything like that even if it was true! or you would never hear the end of it. 

So, when she cries that she looks older... .say awww honey, I know you are feeling bad. I can see that you are feeling bad... .then she might calm down a bit, or cry it out, and then you can say " I think you are beautiful just the way you are.

This way, you express your truth without invalidating her... this is in the lessons. It takes practice but it usually helps.

[Lunira]

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.  What you're calling needy is how a woman naturally acts when she's in love.  And becoming anxiety-prone, overly solicitous, etc. is how a woman in love will naturally act, if the guy tends to act like a douche, she blames herself for it (either because she's insecure or has been treated badly for so long that she's become insecure... .) and she's desperately trying anything she can think of to make it right and fix the relationship.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

[HappyNihilist]

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

I think this raises an interesting topic.

dan has said that his gf has been diagnosed with BPD.

Could there possibly be a correlation between a fear of true intimacy and becoming involved with someone who has BPD or a similar disorder - a disorder that impairs the ability to develop and sustain healthy adult intimacy?

Is putting oneself into a caretaker/rescuer/savior role in a relationship a way to avoid the equal footing of intimacy?

I'm not saying this in all cases, by any means. But when both partners are "pushing" at intimacy, as it sounds like is the case here, it raises such questions.

[dan78]

That's a good start. I think all of us would love it when our bf/spouses tell us we are beautiful. Crying for 3 hours- that's tough, it would stretch most people's patience. Good for you for hanging in there.

Think of these ideas. People with BPD feel their feelings intensely, and feelings are facts to them. Our society is very looks oriented, and looking older for women, isn't easy. Yes, it happens, but in our youth oriented culture, it isn't easy. For those of us who can manage emotions, we deal with it, it's part of life and the best we can do is try to stay as fit and healthy as we can, but we will look older regardless and we may not like it, but we accept that this is the way it is.

Read the lessons on validating. When our partners are upset about something that we know isn't true, then our first impulse is to tell them it isn't true, but that feels invalidating to them. We can validate the feeling but not the fact. In fact, it isn't a good idea for a man to tell a woman she is looking older or fat or anything like that even if it was true! or you would never hear the end of it. 

So, when she cries that she looks older... .say awww honey, I know you are feeling bad. I can see that you are feeling bad... .then she might calm down a bit, or cry it out, and then you can say " I think you are beautiful just the way you are.

This way, you express your truth without invalidating her... this is in the lessons. It takes practice but it usually helps.

She is very focused on her looks... .its where she has always found what little self worth she has ever had. She grew up popular with boys because she was always very pretty. She was a model as a child but because she is so short, it wasnt something she could do as an adult. She ended up working in the adult industry.  She doesnt believe anyone will ever like her or want her if she isnt young and beautiful.  The saddest part is she could still easily pass for a woman in her late 20s at 36... .but she isnt satisfied because she no longer gets carded regularly. It doesnt help matters that our roommate - her best friend- is 26 and looks about 16.

Yes, its rough to find a way to validate her feelings. Im not about to agree that she looks old.  She doesnt. Shes beautiful.   

[dan78]

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.  What you're calling needy is how a woman naturally acts when she's in love.  And becoming anxiety-prone, overly solicitous, etc. is how a woman in love will naturally act, if the guy tends to act like a douche, she blames herself for it (either because she's insecure or has been treated badly for so long that she's become insecure... .) and she's desperately trying anything she can think of to make it right and fix the relationship.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

Ive never before had any type of intimacy issues.  Ive also never noticed a correlation between women in love and extreme neediness.

[Lunira]

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.  What you're calling needy is how a woman naturally acts when she's in love.  And becoming anxiety-prone, overly solicitous, etc. is how a woman in love will naturally act, if the guy tends to act like a douche, she blames herself for it (either because she's insecure or has been treated badly for so long that she's become insecure... .) and she's desperately trying anything she can think of to make it right and fix the relationship.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

Ive never before had any type of intimacy issues.  

What do you call flirty texting all day, then shutting her down for being excited to see you?   Aside from either personal issues of your own (not hers, YOURS) that you haven't resolved, or some kind of head game on your part?

Btw, to be somewhat submissive is natural for most women when they're horny (yes, even feisty and spunky ones), and I don't just mean human women, I mean female mammals, period.

 

Ive also never noticed a correlation between women in love and extreme neediness.

There's a difference between being needy and having needs.  The two are not equivalent.

[dan78]

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.  What you're calling needy is how a woman naturally acts when she's in love.  And becoming anxiety-prone, overly solicitous, etc. is how a woman in love will naturally act, if the guy tends to act like a douche, she blames herself for it (either because she's insecure or has been treated badly for so long that she's become insecure... .) and she's desperately trying anything she can think of to make it right and fix the relationship.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

Ive never before had any type of intimacy issues.  

What do you call flirty texting all day, then shutting her down for being excited to see you?   Aside from either personal issues of your own (not hers, YOURS) that you haven't resolved, or some kind of head game on your part?

Btw, to be somewhat submissive is natural for most women when they're horny (yes, even feisty and spunky ones), and I don't just mean human women, I mean female mammals, period.

 

Ive also never noticed a correlation between women in love and extreme neediness.

There's a difference between being needy and having needs.  The two are not equivalent.

I call it a one time incident when my mood changed due to her behavior being a turn off. I am not turned on by overt submission. I am turned on by confidence and strength in a woman. That sort of submission comes off as weakness to me and it isnt something I find sexually appealing.

[JohnLove]

dan78, I have praised you for wanting to do better in your relationship. This was now just a one off?. I have a hard time believing that. In my experience pwBPD can't change their core behaviours that easily. But if you say so.

Maybe you like to play a "game" where you win the "prize". A lot of guys are like this. The man does the chasing. The female enjoys the chase. That has more emphasis in dating and short term relationships. In long term relationships it can get a little easier, as it should be. You should be meeting each others emotional needs without too much work. Maybe you like the hunt and your BPDgf is giving of herself more freely?. Maybe you see her as being easy in your interpretation of her BPD type behaviour, and this is the turn off. I don't know how you truly feel about her having worked in the adult industry. I don't judge others and pwBPD certainly don't need it, but I would have some difficulty being in an intimate relationship with someone who has worked in this field.

Hopefully things have progressed in your relationship and this is all water under the bridge now?. I hope this experience has led to a deeper understanding for both of you. 

[123Phoebe]

Hi, dan78

I dont know how to handle what happened last night.  When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention. I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off.

What would have turned you on?  

Later, when we went to bed she playfully tried to initiate sex but I wasnt feeling it at  all so I told her to just go to bed. She started crying and accused me of not wanting her, not loving her... .she wouldnt let it go. She kept saying that this is why she rarely initiates sex because she cant handle me rejecting her and that she never ever turns me down, even when she doesnt really  feel like it because shed never reject me.Finally I got angry and told her that it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.

What does her getting a backbone look like to you?  After exchanging flirty texts all day, what were you expecting from her when you arrived home?

I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while.  I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

Is this the woman you were expecting to greet you at the door after exchanging flirty texts all day?  In a "romantic sense", how would that have played out in your perfect, ideal world?

[JohnLove]

  In a "romantic sense", how would that have played out in your perfect, ideal world?

Oh, the perfect world... .how I miss her so. 

[dan78]

dan78, I have praised you for wanting to do better in your relationship. This was now just a one off?. I have a hard time believing that. In my experience pwBPD can't change their core behaviours that easily. But if you say so.

Maybe you like to play a "game" where you win the "prize". A lot of guys are like this. The man does the chasing. The female enjoys the chase. That has more emphasis in dating and short term relationships. In long term relationships it can get a little easier, as it should be. You should be meeting each others emotional needs without too much work. Maybe you like the hunt and your BPDgf is giving of herself more freely?. Maybe you see her as being easy in your interpretation of her BPD type behaviour, and this is the turn off. I don't know how you truly feel about her having worked in the adult industry. I don't judge others and pwBPD certainly don't need it, but I would have some difficulty being in an intimate relationship with someone who has worked in this field.

Hopefully things have progressed in your relationship and this is all water under the bridge now?. I hope this experience has led to a deeper understanding for both of you. 

Ive been irritated by her neediness before at times but this was the first time I acted on it in any real way so not exactly a one off but sort of.

I will admit, i do enjoy the chase... .being the pursuer. It is sexy to me to pursue a challenging woman,  To feel I have to earn her attention. It makes a woman very intriguing to me when she values herself highly enough not to give it to just anyone. But, despite that and as contradictory as it sounds, her prior career doesnt bother me at all. I am actually kind of turned on by it. It is such a bold, naughty choice.  Ive actually had her tell me stories about her work while we were being intimate before. Unfortunately, it bothers her to talk about so I had to stop.

Yes, this incident is mostly water under the bridge. We are actually dealing with other issues right now unrelated to her BPD... .But we are working through it in a healthy way I believe. We went out last night without the kids and enjoyed ourselves a lot and we have been intimate frequently without issue.

[dan78]

Hi, dan78

I dont know how to handle what happened last night.  When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention. I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off.

What would have turned you on?  

Later, when we went to bed she playfully tried to initiate sex but I wasnt feeling it at  all so I told her to just go to bed. She started crying and accused me of not wanting her, not loving her... .she wouldnt let it go. She kept saying that this is why she rarely initiates sex because she cant handle me rejecting her and that she never ever turns me down, even when she doesnt really  feel like it because shed never reject me.Finally I got angry and told her that it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.

What does her getting a backbone look like to you?  After exchanging flirty texts all day, what were you expecting from her when you arrived home?

I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while.  I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

Is this the woman you were expecting to greet you at the door after exchanging flirty texts all day?  In a "romantic sense", how would that have played out in your perfect, ideal world?

It would have turned me on to come home and find her occupied and not had her just drop everything and run to me... .to have walked in, got my boots off and went to her wherever she was to say hello.

That would be her acting as if she had a backbone, as if I werent the only focus in her life.

[Notwendy]

It seems as if she wishes to please you, so she could act this out as a fantasy if you let her know that this is what you like. I'd bet she'd rather act busy when you get home than run to greet you knowing that this turns you off.

[dan78]

It seems as if she wishes to please you, so she could act this out as a fantasy if you let her know that this is what you like. I'd bet she'd rather act busy when you get home than run to greet you knowing that this turns you off.

Thats actually the last time she did that. At first because she was upset with me, Im sure. But now I think it because she sees that once I get inside and get my boots off I do come to her for a kiss and if she waits just those couple of minutes it does wonders for my mood and Im more attentive to her.

[Notwendy]

Good- then maybe I can reframe this in a way that focuses on you, your feelings and your needs instead of blaming her for the way you feel when she greets you at the door.

My H needs a transition between work and home, a few minutes to unwind, eat something maybe, or just chill before he is feeling up to engaging with someone else. I too need this transition. After an evening of fixing dinner, homework, getting kids in bed, cleaning up... I need to unwind before I can pay attention to my H.

What will make me crazy is that, he's been unwinding all evening, so the minute the kids are asleep, he would pounce on me, wanting my attention. By that time, I'm frazeled. However, if I get some time to unwind first, I am more in tune with my own feelings.

Blaming others for the way we feel is a perilous road. Nobody is turned on by their partner (at least nobody I know) 100% of the time. We all have times where we are preoccupied, or tired. The best way to be caring to someone else is to take care of our own needs and be responsible for our own feelings.

Maybe you can apologize to your gf for telling her she turned you off, and consider it was your own needs that did that-and you can take steps to meet your needs without blaming her.

[dan78]

Good- then maybe I can reframe this in a way that focuses on you, your feelings and your needs instead of blaming her for the way you feel when she greets you at the door.

My H needs a transition between work and home, a few minutes to unwind, eat something maybe, or just chill before he is feeling up to engaging with someone else. I too need this transition. After an evening of fixing dinner, homework, getting kids in bed, cleaning up... I need to unwind before I can pay attention to my H.

What will make me crazy is that, he's been unwinding all evening, so the minute the kids are asleep, he would pounce on me, wanting my attention. By that time, I'm frazeled. However, if I get some time to unwind first, I am more in tune with my own feelings.

Blaming others for the way we feel is a perilous road. Nobody is turned on by their partner (at least nobody I know) 100% of the time. We all have times where we are preoccupied, or tired. The best way to be caring to someone else is to take care of our own needs and be responsible for our own feelings.

Maybe you can apologize to your gf for telling her she turned you off, and consider it was your own needs that did that-and you can take steps to meet your needs without blaming her.

I almost hate to bring it up again... .though I do get what you are saying and it makes sense.  If I had it to do over again I would never react as coldly to her as I did. I know I hurt her and its taken a while to get over... .and then I wound up hurting her again very deeply in an effort to avoid conflict.   I honestly thought she was going to leave me sat morning... .and it would have been all my fault.

[Notwendy]

Well, you know your r/s best.

However, if there is a chance for this to come up again, then don't underestimate the healing power of a sincere apology. It helps the one apologizing too.

For some reason, pw PD's have trouble apologizing. Sadly, they miss out on this ability to repair a r/s with anyone. They tend to do this "magic erase " thing, where they think if they are good, it erases the bad.

Mostly, this just confused me- to have people say they love me and then act abusive. It would have made a world of difference to me if my mom, and my H, could have apologized sincerely.

So, keep this in mind ... .

[Jessica84]

Sounds to me like this was an isolated incident. All you can do is learn from it. Sending her the texts all day set you both up for an over-eager door greeting. Try not to wind her up again unless you're prepared to come home to a wound up gf. Hopefully, this is all water under the bridge now, with a valuable lesson learned. 

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .