What age is best to split with child?

[husband112]

Hi Everyone,

I guess I'm still somewhat undecided at this point.

I've recently discovered my wife has uBPD.

I discovered she was having an affair in November.

We've been working on our relationship, but so much has come to light for me since then. It's so much more than the affair, it's whether I can really live with her and be a happy person.

Anyway, my child is 3 starting school in September.

Part of me wants to stay for a bit because I'm worried about making a rash decision; however, part of me thinks that getting this over with before my child goes to school would be better as there will be so much change, at least the other routines in his life will stay the same for a bit until he gets settled in. At least then school wouldn't be such a big transition. I would be really worried about separating shortly after he starts school.

Anyway, curious when others separated and what the experience was like for their children.

Regards

[livednlearned]

Hi husband112,

My son was 9 when I left -- he was 5 when I started to think about leaving. From the safe vantage point of now, I look back and wish I had left earlier. Many of us choose to stay because we want to protect the kids, but there is another argument that giving the child two homes provides them with at least a partial reprieve from the abuse.

What is your wife like? Is she prone to raging and abuse? Does she tend to be neglectful?

There is a thread that might be helpful as you work through this. It's from a while ago but the input is still highly relevant: PERSPECTIVES: Is it better for the kids if I stay or leave? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0

[husband112]

Thanks livednlearned,

She was extremely verbally abusive to me.

But since this came out we've both done some self discovery.

She now admits to be verbally abusive, and the possibility that she has BPD, and she wants to get help.

That being said, she's now totally acting the opposite way, where she totally loves me and it's just absolute infatuation.

She is so insecure, she needs constant validation that I love her, which is so hard right now because I feel like I'm lying.

I feel like a normal relationship I could easily forgive cheating, but it would take time, and the understanding on the other person's part to appreciate there will be mood swings.

I still feel like I'm walking on egg shells again because I don't want to deal with her sadness if I express at all that I'm feeling closed and hurt today.

I think I need a lot of time for myself to get over this, and I'm not going to get that if I stay.

I do feel bad for our child though, but at least I'll be staying with my mother, and he stays there quite a bit and likes it there.

Thanks for listening!

[Waddams]

Hi Husband112.  I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.  I left uPDxw when our now S10 was 4.  There were issues, then I caught her cheating, then gave it a year after that, then had enough.

One of the big mistakes I did make though was thinking I couldn't "do my own thing" while I was still with her.  Even before I caught her cheating.  After we finally weren't living together and I got into a bunch of new things on my own, I realized I could have and should have ventured out on my like that a long time before then. 

I think I need a lot of time for myself to get over this, and I'm not going to get that if I stay.

I understand this, I felt it too at the time, but with hindsight, I know I could have carved out time for myself whether I was with her or not.  And I should have.  I'd have been healthier and stronger and would have dealt with what was to come much better.

[Thunderstruck]

My DH stayed with his uBPDx (they were never married) until my SD10 was 7. He just couldn't handle it anymore and finally just had to get out. He made a big mistake of leaving SD7 with uBPDbm. She witheld visitation and was impossible... .it's harder to get a CO in place if you were never married (even though you may have lived together the whole time) versus married.

I think looking back he would have / should have gotten out earlier. They were constantly fighting back and forth, calling each other names. uBPDbm used SD10 to manipulate my DH. It just wasn't healthy, and wasn't a healthy model of a relationship for SD10.

It takes a LOT of support to disentangle. And be prepared for a long haul if you do... .we're going on year #3 and still don't have a final CO. Also get yourself a really good lawyer experienced in high conflict and father's rights so they can help you do some things to have a more favorable outcome even before you file for divorce.

Here's something our L said to us that has become my mantra of sorts, that the short term detriment to my SD will be a long term gain. There may be conflict in gaining a CO, but in the long run her having the time with us to be a normal kid will give her a much better outcome.

[livednlearned]

She now admits to be verbally abusive, and the possibility that she has BPD, and she wants to get help.

People who want to get help usually make appointments and go to them. I spent a lot of years waiting for my ex to stop drinking (his promise to do so), and still am not sure how I let that go on for 5 years, somehow convincing myself he meant it.

What I ended up doing was to give myself some conditions. If ex did xyz by date/year, then I would do abc. Otherwise, it's easy to fall into cognitive dissonance, or being full blown codependent where it's all about the other person, all the time. Your conditions might be, "If wife goes to therapist and begins DBT and quits drinking, I will stay. If she drops out, I will try a therapeutic separation and live with my mom. I'll talk to a lawyer now to make sure I understand how family law court works and how to make sure I have a better than average chance of getting a good custody arrangement."

Or it could be, "If there is any contact with the other man, or any signs that there is another affair, she will need to xyz. I will abc."

Give yourself some good boundaries, and be prepared to act on them. You don't have to disclose them to her (and probably not a good idea to do so).

How is she as a mother?

[scraps66]

My younger son was around your child's age.  I was kicked out of the house so did not have nearly the element of planning involved.

If in my experience I can give any advice, don't wait, don't make up excuses for why not to go ahead.  I did a little of that, sat on my hands while ex did nothing for a year after serving her - and then I was the one to get kicked out, by her!  Don't wait.

I'm not suggesting running out immediately, I'm suggesting getting all your ducks in a row, make a plan, and then orchestrate the plan strategically. 

Another thing I learned, always try to work things so you're calling the shots.  Allowing myself to get kicked out, the result of listening to a lawyer that just told me to sit and wait, was not good advice in retrospect.

[husband112]

Thanks everyone,

This is all good advice.

She's a good mother, and she cares deeply about our child.

I'm not so worried about that; however, I am worried about her depression and general unhappiness.

She also has an eating disorder, and frequently talks about being fat or not wanting to eat in front of our child.

My wife is super skinny, and not fat at all.

I've tried to tell her that it's really not appropriate to make these comments in front of our kid, but she did it again the other day.

I think she will genuinely want a break from being a single mother, and I think 50/50 will work.

No time like the present to act on what we think will give us happiness.

Thanks everyone

[ForeverDad]

"No time like the present."  As you noticed, everyone commented, the sooner the better.  Doesn't have to be tomorrow,first you need to get some confidential legal consultations and figure out a strategy for post-marriage life and parenting.

I had read somewhere that age 6 was a particularly difficult age to separate, but I believe it was just once I saw that so age of the children is not the big factor.  Hence, our collective wisdom has spoken, sooner is better.  "Staying for the children" is a noble concept but self-sabotaging.  If staying means the child has a constant barrage of conflict and lives in a hostile home environment, that's not good.  Having at least part of their youth in a safe and stable home is better.  Also, you the more reasonable parent will be providing a good example of proper boundaries, neither participating in conflict nor living life as an appeaser and muddy doormat.  Good examples, even if only by one parent, are needed because when they grow up they're likely to marry someone just like dad or just like mom.

She's a good mother, and she cares deeply about our child.

This is a red flag.    Not her so much as your perception of her.  If she's been treating you well, then you can say that.  If she hasn't been treating you well, then don't.  (1) If she's mean to you and you end the spousal relationship, then since you're not handy on a daily basis, the children would be an alternate target.  (2) A typical pattern is that pwBPD can handle young children better than when they're older.  Older children start wanting increasing amounts of independence and many pwBPD can't allow that, they have to control and construct their little advocates.

Imagine going in to court saying "she's a good mother" and then asking for a lot of parenting time... .while she could possibly be calling you Mr Evil Personified.  How do you imagine a judge would rule in that scenario?  I bet your lawyer will warn you not to be so generous when meeting the evaluators or other professionals in the court process.

I think she will genuinely want a break from being a single mother, and I think 50/50 will work.

Quite possibly, if not at first then maybe later, especially if she's not a possessive parent and is someone more interested in adult relationships.  But a word to the wise, don't count on it.  My ex moaned and groaned and dragged herself out of bed and onto the couch most mornings in the year or two before we separated.  She morphed once we separated, started acting like Mother Of The Year and she started making vile child abuse allegations of every sort.